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Book; . „ . ._- 



















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LAGUERRE’S FRONT YARD—SLANN’S ISLAND. 






LAGUERRE 

A GASCON OF 
THE BLACK BORDER 


By 

AMBROSE E. GONZALES 

l| 

Author of 

THE BLACK BORDER—Gullah Stories of The Carolina Coast 
WITH AESOP ALONG THE BLACK BORDER 
THE CAPTAIN’—Stories of The Black Border 



COLUMBIA, S. C. 
THE STATE COMPANY 
1924 






COPYRIGHT 1924 
THE STATE COMPANY 


DEC 2 6 *24 


©Cl A 81 4415 



Vv- 0 O/ 



TO 

ALFONSO BEAUREGARD GONZALES 

THROUGH WHOSE 
MARVELOUS MIMICRY 
LAGUERRE 

BROUGHT TO COUNTLESS FIRESIDES 
THE GRACIOUS GIFT OF LAUGHTER 












CONTENTS 


Page 

LAGUERRE . ______ 1 

ON THE JUDGMENT SEAT - - -.11 

PA TUMBO AT THE BAR -.- 21 

A FEUD IN FEATHERS - -.31 

“MORE DEADLY THAN THE MALE” .... 43 

CLEVER ALICE -.53 

“THE MAN IN THE CASE”.71 

THE TRIALS OF TUMBO - - -.- 87 

“PLACE AUX DAMES!” --------- 107 

THE CRUSADER AND THE COW.127 

THE CRITIC ON THE HEARTH.- 145 

THE ROAD CALLED STRAIGHT.163 

TO HAVE AND TO SCOLD.181 

“CAESAR_TURNED TO CLAY” ------ 201 

THE LAW AND THE LADY - -.223 

BED AND BOARD ----- .243 

THE TAMING OF THE SHREW.263 

A JUDGMENT OF SOLOMON - -.279 

THE TRAGEDY OF THE MARSH.301 


V 































FOREWORD 


Catherine de Medici and the horror of St. Bar¬ 
tholomew’s, with the century of persecution 
that followed, gave to the English Province of 
Carolina one of its finest racial strains. 

Huguenots, driven from the shores of their be¬ 
loved France, found sanctuary elsewhere, too, in 
the Western World, but nowhere else did they 
take root so readily, establish themselves so 
firmly, or enter more fully into the life of the 
province than in this South Carolina settlement 
of Cavalier English. 

Here, in the spirit of understanding that has 
so long existed between the cultured French and 
the cultured English, they found among those of 
their own faith a more congenial atmosphere, 
even than among those of their own blood, the 
Catholic French of Louisiana, while those who 
established themselves at New Rochelle and other 
Protestant communities farther north came upon 
a more rigorous climate and a less responsive 
people. 


As early as 1700, the French had founded, 
among others, a prosperous colony of seventy 
families on the Santee. 

On 28 December, 1700, John Lawson, the En¬ 
glish surveyor-general of the Lords Proprietors, 


VII 



FOREWORD 


began his “voyage for North Carolina from 
Charles Town,” going by canoe to the Santee 
river, “on which there is a colony of French Pro¬ 
testants, allowed and encouraged by the Lords 
Proprietors.” 

Hospitably and courteously received by “Mons. 
Eugee” and his wife, whose house he found fif¬ 
teen miles up the river, Lawson pays high tri¬ 
bute to the industry, thrift, and fine community 
spirit of the French; “who live decently and 
happily as any planters in these Southward parts 
of America. The French being a temperate, in¬ 
dustrious people, some of them bringing very 
little of effects, yet by their endeavors and mutual 
assistance amongst themselves, have outstript our 
English who brought with them larger fortunes, 
tho’, as it seems, less endeavor to manage their 
talent to the best advantage.” 

Their houses and plantations were “suitable in 
neatness and contrivances.” And, “all of the 
same opinion with the church of Geneva,” they 
lived in a “happy and delightful concord in all 
other matters throughout the neighborhood, liv¬ 
ing amongst themselves as one tribe or kindred, 
everyone making it his business to be assistant to 
the want of his country-man, preserving his es¬ 
tate and reputation with the same exactness and 
concern as he does his own; all seeming to share 


VIII 


FOREWORD 


in the misfortunes, and rejoice at the advance, 
and rise, of the brethren.” 

In time these fine French intermarried with 
the English families, and, as the generations 
passed, the blood of France and England, Scot¬ 
land and Ireland became so intermingled here that 
many of the oldest Huguenot names in South 
Carolina are borne by those preponderantly of 
English blood, while other families, having come 
by their French blood on the distaff side, though 
more than half French, bear English names. And 
English thought and English ideals have con¬ 
trolled the whole for more than two centuries. 

Of this blood was Laguerre—behind him gen¬ 
erations of wealthy and cultured planters, around 
him, until the War came, other planters of French 
or English blood, or a blend of both, but all cava¬ 
liers in spirit, with a high sense of their responsi¬ 
bilities as slaveholders. Pleasure-loving, fond of 
life—too fond, perhaps, of an easy life—they had 
softened since the early days of the province 
when, as pioneers clearing and settling a wilder¬ 
ness, they had been energetic enough. And with¬ 
out the incentive to exertion that necessity im¬ 
poses, they fell naturally into easy-going ways. 
Caring little for money, they were content with 
the steady advance of their fortunes through the 
increase of their slaves and the enhancement in 
the value of their lands, for as the young Negroes 


IX 


FOREWORD 


came to manhood, they had only to clear from the 
forest additional acres upon which to raise their 
subsistence. 

And as the children of the planters came to 
maturity, there came along with them the chil¬ 
dren of the slaves, and when the time came to 
“settle” sons and daughters, there were usually 
plantations and Negroes available for the in¬ 
variable settlement. 

An easy life, chiefly because the planter was 
free from the ordinary hazards of business ven¬ 
tures, for the plantations were always self-sus¬ 
taining, as far as subsistence for master and 
slaves. If drought or storm or flood cut short the 
money crop, or markets were low, the planter, 
forced to forego a trip to Europe, or Newport, or 
Saratoga, could at least spend a summer at the 
Virginia Springs, or Flat Rock—at the worst in a 
Low-country pineland village—and there are 
worse places. 

But in respect to work and responsibility the 
planter’s life was not easy. As any conscientious 
executive of a business establishment must enter 
into and interest himself in the lives of those who 
work with him, so, to a far greater degree, the 
slaveholder was forced to concern himself with 
the lives of his dependents, who looked to him for 
everything. Not only for their benefit but his own, 
he had to study and know their temperaments, 


x 


FOREWORD 


and peculiarities; how to fit each individual to 
the task for which he was best suited. And in the 
adjustment of the frequent disputes and differ¬ 
ences that arose among the slaves, the master, as 
the sole arbiter, was forced to cultivate and de¬ 
velop a sense of justice. And these responsibili¬ 
ties rested upon the planter always, not only for 
self-interest—the conservation of his own prop¬ 
erty—but the far higher obligation of humanity. 

But, with it all, there was time for hunting, fish¬ 
ing, boating and racing—the healthful out-door 
sports of men, and cavaliers. And with the love 
of out-door sports went love of nature—of woods 
and fields and flowing streams, of fountains and 
of flower gardens; of books, of gracious, cultured 
women; of music, and of art. A fine civilization 
while it lasted. 

And then the War! 

And then the War! When it was all over, the 
men who came through had been tried as steel 
in the blast, and the women as gold in the furnace. 
And in time, men, who in the heat and exaltation 
of battle had laughed at death, learned at last to 
laugh at life—a harder thing to do! 

The men of Laguerre’s day had their faults— 
the faults of Cavaliers—convivial men, but, 
hidden by no mantle of pretense, they were 
known of all men, and those who had, and owned, 
these faults were free from the meaner vices of 


XI 


FOREWORD 


colder, less generous natures. Avarice there was 
none; nor any of the smug hypocrisy of the 
“unco-guid.” 

If there was a touch of the Gascon here and 
there, it was not “such boastings as the Gentiles 
use,” for they prided themselves neither on power 
nor possessions, past or present, but merely on 
their personal prowess, or that of their people, 
in the manly sports of flood and field—a natural 
pride that perhaps the exuberance of their high 
spirits somewhat exaggerated. 

And, having learned to laugh, they laughed once 
more at Death, and died—gentlemen to the last, 
in the truer, finer meaning of the term—gentle, 
brave, considerate, compassionate! 

Laguerre’s office and his official title were very 
dear to him; partly, perhaps, because its admin¬ 
istration presented many phases of Negro life, 
many shades of Negro character the observation 
of which afforded an always interesting study and 
delighted his keen sense of humor. Then, the au¬ 
thority he exercised over them—the legal over¬ 
lordship that none could dispute—meant much 
to a man so full of himself, while his rough-and- 
tumble deliverances from the bench—as pictur¬ 
esque in their way as those of the late Judge 
Thomas Jefferson Mackey of the Reconstruction 
period—gave an outlet for a verbal effervescence 
that could not be repressed. The gift of speech 


XII 


FOREWORD 


was great, but greater far the privilege of speak¬ 
ing with authority! 

But whatever merriment it brought into his 
life, however it fattened his already exuberant 
self-esteem, Laguerre’s official position meant 
even more to him for the service he could do the 
poor black people around him—so often involved 
in difficulties among themselves, so often imposed 
upon by white men of the baser sort. These 
troubles “Jedge” adjusted in a spirit of equity, 
with little regard for the strict letter of the law. 
Courts of Appeal were far away on the dim hori¬ 
zon beyond Caw-Caw swamp, and there were no 
irritating lawyers around to threaten reversals in 
higher tribunals, so Laguerre’s decisions stood as 
steadfastly as Toogoodoo bridge—until, or unless, 
reversed or modified by “Jedge” himself. This, 
he sometimes did, leaning always to the side of 
mercy, for if today in a fit of temper he imposed 
too heavy a fine, or ruled too harshly for contempt 
of court, he could always remit the fine or accept 
an apology for the offense upon the morrow. 

At last, in the late eighties, the General As¬ 
sembly reduced the number of magistrates in 
Colleton County, and “Jedge,” junior to the Trial 
Justice at Jacksonboro, had his chair of office 
roughly pulled from under him, and was plumped 
down on the soil of Slann’s Island, a private citi¬ 
zen. The black folk of Toogoodoo were bereft 


XIII 


FOREWORD 


and Laguerre was deeply hurt. But, though now 
“functus officio,” he yet laid great store by the 
official title by which his black friends had once 
so proudly called him, and to this, with its mem¬ 
ories he now clung, as a veteran clasps to his 
breast the tattered battle-flag under which he had 
striven on many bloody fields. “Well,” he often 
said, “they can take away my office, but damned 
if they can take away my title! 'Judge Laguerre' I 
have lived, and ‘Judge Laguerre' I shall die!” His 
white friends laughed and forgot, but to the poor 
black folk of Toogoodoo—the poor can always re¬ 
member—he was “Jedge” to the day of his death. 


In the Presbyterian graveyard of the “Old 
Burnt Church,” a mile beyond the village, on the 
road to Toogoodoo, Laguerre has long slept his 
last sleep. Within the sound of a hunter's whoop 
lies the quiet pineland village beside the sluggish 
streamlet called the “Run”. Here, sixty years 
ago, the camp-fires of five thousand gray-clad 
soldiers blazed among the pines, and from the 
sandy roads by day and night, came the tramp of 
marching men, the thud of horses' hoofs, the low 
rumble of artillery, the blare of trumpets, and 
the roll of drums. 

The scene shifts; and twenty years later, not 
far from the old Confederate head-quarters, stood 
Marshall’s store, or tavern, “where Jamshyd 


XIV 



FOREWORD 


gloried and drank deep,” while Zouave, hitched 
to a crepe-myrtle across the way, hung his weary 
head, and Doctor Barnwell laughed! 

Marshall's store is gone, but the live-oak, 
whose spreading boughs once sheltered it from 
summer's suns, still stands, and across the road 
the myrtles bloom from June until the fall. 

And Doctor Barnwell laughs no more, nor any 
now survives of all the gallant company who once 
made merry with Laguerre! 

Stretching south from the Old Burnt Church 
runs the road to Toogoodoo. In the dark forest 
along the way, great magnolias still rear their 
lofty crowns above the trees around them; still 
lift in May their silver chalices to the sun and 
freight with fragrance all the aerial tides that 
touch them as they pass, while far below, in the 
cool depths of the woods, the sweet-bays strew 
their lavish spiceries. Huge grapevine pythons 
still swing across the road; and saw-palmettoes 
whisper weirdly in the wind. Beyond the sandy 
stretch where fiddlers swarm in companies, the 
high bridge spans the winding creek, and in the 
pineland glade not far away, so silent now, La¬ 
guerre once held his joyous woodland court and 
the woods echoed with laughter. 

Across the road the cherry tree still stands, 
and here in June the jealous mockingbirds warn 
other birds away. 


xv 


FOREWORD 


Aloft, the crows still circle in the blue, and caw 
and caw, as if for some one loved and lost. The 
marsh-hens call the tide. Kingfishers, rattling, 
stoop, and dip, and loop the loop. Woodpeckers 
tap, and tap, and hammer heavily, but only echoes 
come, for the red hatchet of Laguerre has long 
been rust, and all the old black folk who once 
foregathered with him in “God’s Green Inn” have 
long since mingled with the dust! 

The quiet graveyard of the “Old Burnt Church” 
three miles away. In the scanty shrubbery of the 
old place mockingbirds sometimes come to sing, 
and fluting cardinals. In the wintry dusk brown 
thrashers chant harsh vespers, and friendly chip- 
ping-sparrows chirp their soft goodnights. And 
all around—the pines! Singing sentinels, within 
whose lofty tops, at dawn or dusk, at midnight, or 
at noon, the wind-harps sound the requiem of the 
sleeper, whose epitaph, could he have chosen it, 
would have been, not “Justice,” “Judge,” or “Mag¬ 
istrate,” but simply, “Jedge!” 


The first five Laguerre stories were written and 
published in The State in 1918. The remaining 
fourteen were written and published in the late 
summer and autumn of the present year. 

Ambrose E. Gonzales. 

Columbia, S. C. 

December, 1924. 

XVI 



LAGUERRE 

A gallant soldier of the Confederacy, formerly 
a wealthy Sea-Island cotton planter, he lived 
until about twenty years ago in a cottage on a 
war-ruined but once splendid plantation; plant¬ 
ing a little, hunting now and then, fishing fre¬ 
quently and, a first rate raconteur, talking in¬ 
cessantly. Educated in Paris before the war, and 
of distinguished Huguenot ancestry, he passion¬ 
ately loved France and all things French, and 
in his sensitive honor and courtly manners, and 
the great blond moustache and imperial worn a la 
Napoleon III, brought to Toogoodoo a touch of 
the Second Empire. 

Laguerre rode, and drove, a thin thoroughbred 
stallion, Zouave, who carried more sheep-burrs 
in his tail than corn under his ribs; yet, though 
now reduced to the ignominy of a buckboard, he 
came honestly by his flat bone, powerful stifles 
and slim pasterns, and his coat, which shone in 
the sun like polished rosewood, whenever it was 
treated to a touch of the curry-comb, for through 
Lexington, Boston, Timoleon, Sir Henry, and Sir 
Archy, he traced to imported Diomed, winner of 
the first English Derby. 

Often the wayfarer, passing through the pine- 
land village whose postoffice served the planters 
living along Toogoodoo Creek, would see Zouave’s 


l 


LAGUERRE 


drooping head hanging down pathetically at a 
hitching post, and know that his master, with an 
audience, perhaps too with a glass and a pipe— 
a triad of blessings—was holding forth in the 
store with all the zest of an accomplished “rac- 
coonter,” as it was locally pronounced. Some¬ 
times he told spicy stories of the Boulevards, and 
again recounted wartime experiences; but, what¬ 
ever the theme, the sound of his own voice gave 
him unqualified delight, and whether he talked 
to a buttonholed audience of one, or to a crowd 
gathered about the big sheet-iron stove in winter, 
or on the store veranda in summer, the blue eyes 
glowed as brightly under the shaggy penthouse 
brows, the quick Gallic gestures were as eloquent, 
and the ringing tenor voice as vibrant. “Let me 
but fill the ears of a people,” he might have para¬ 
phrased, “and I care not who fills their stomachs” 
—a sentiment, by the way, not without its ap¬ 
peal to the politicians of today! Then, as the 
shadows of the pines lengthened and Zouave’s 
drooping head hung lower and lower, the thought 
would come to him of the waiting wife and chil¬ 
dren, seven or eight miles away, and, still talk¬ 
ing as he drank his stirrup cup, he would climb 
into his buckboard and hurry home to tell them 
all he had talked about while absent! 

Laguerre loved the young (old men were too 
garrulous) and was never happier than when 


2 


LAGUERRE 


joining in their entertainments. With some his¬ 
trionic ability, he was fond of amateur theatri¬ 
cals, and appreciated to the full the privilege 
of talking from a stage to people who were obliged 
to listen and who couldn’t talk back. When the 
Toogoodoodlers organized a dramatic club and 
modestly put Richard the Third in rehearsal, La- 
guerre essayed the title role, and impersonated 
the crookback Gloster so successfully as to win, 
not only the approval of the local audience, but 
that of his critical kindred from Edisto Island 
who came over to see the performance. These 
young men were particularly impressed by Rich¬ 
ard’s successful wooing under great difficulties, 
and by his ominous dream on the eve of Bosworth 

field. “Cousin-him done fuh kin play Dick 

T’ree-Time,” was the verdict. “W’en one gal 
come ’puntop de stage wid da’ cawpse en’ t’ing, 
Buh Dick T’ree-Time tek one hebby soad en’ 
obuht’row de cawpse, en’ graff de gal ’roun’ ’e 
wais’ en’ gone! Den ’e gone een one tent en’ 
leddown fuh sleep. But ’e yent sleep; ’e duh dream. 
Den ’e roll obuh en’ obuh lukkuh hawss hab colic, 
but ’e yent hab no colic. Some dem Adam Run 
gal t’ink suh him binnuh eat crab, en’ ’e hab 
one pain, but wunnuh boy him ent eat no crab 
en’ ’e yent gots no pain! Duh nutt’n’ but de 
pyo’ ack mek’um stan’ so!” 

Laguerre once fancied himself slighted or 


3 



LAGUERRE 


treated with discourtesy by a person of mean ex¬ 
traction, who, having made money in some ple¬ 
beian calling “up the country,” had recently ac¬ 
quired a fine plantation in the neighborhood. 
For days he brooded over his grievance. How 
could wounded, or slightly bruised, honor be ap¬ 
peased ! Even if the duello had not been out¬ 
lawed, the code would not have approved his 
challenge of one whom he could not recognize 
as an equal, and he was too chivalrous to attack 
him without notice, or on unequal terms. At 
last, his memory harked back a generation or so, 
and he decided upon posting! The decision was 
reached on Saturday evening. Returning from 
the village store he had brought a full gallon 
of the yellow corn whiskey so highly esteemed 
in the malarial regions of the Low-country, so 
he was fortified in his resolution. 

On Sunday morning he rose, made an unusually 
careful toilet, and, after breakfasting, wrote on a 
double sheet of foolscap an elaborate arraignment 
of the offensive and offending nouveau-riche; 
advising him that a copy would be nailed on the 
offender’s plantation gatepost at 10 o’clock, and 
Laguerre, armed, would stand guard at the post 
until the setting of the sun, to prove the truth of 
his proclamation upon the body of whomsoever 
should venture to tear it down! A copy made, 
a Negro messenger was dispatched to deliver 


4 


LAGUERRE 


it. Laguerre loaded both barrels of his Greener 
with buckshot, filled a quart flask with the yellow 
corn, which he put with a hammer and nails in 
his saddlebags, mounted Zouave and fared forth 
on as errant a quest as ever inspired La Mancha’s 
redoubtable knight! He had ordered his mes¬ 
senger to await him at the place of posting, and 
the Negro had already arrived at the gate as 
Laguerre rode up. He first made him nail the 
denunciation in a conspicuous place on one of 
the big posts and then questioned him. “Did 
you deliver the note, Scipio?” 

“Yaas, Maussuh, Uh ’libbuhr’um same lukkuh 
you tell me. Uh pitt’um een de Buckruh’ han’.” 

“Where did you find him?” 

’E binnuh seddown een ’e pyazzuh duh eat ’e 
brekwus’, en’ ’e hab ’nuf fuh eat. ’E hab uh 
hebby pan full uh mullet, en’ ’e hab swimp en’ 
crab alltwo, en’ ’e hab hom’ny en’ t’ing. ’E hab 
’nuf bittle.” 

“Confound his ‘bittle’! What did he do when 
you gave him the note? Did he read it?” 

“Yaas, suh, ’e read’um.” 

“Well, what did he say when he read it?” 

“Maussuh, ’e yent say nutt’n ’. ’E yent crack 
’e teet’. One saabint gal fetch’um one big plate 
pile’ up wid baddle cake. Him pit two-t’ree ’pun 
’e plate en’ kibbuhr’um wid muhlassis, en’ staa’t 


5 


LAGUERRE 


fuh eat. Den ’e look ’puntop’uh me, en’ ’e face 
kind’uh tanglety up, en’ ’e biggin fuh choke.” 

“Ha! Choked, did he? A good thing, too.” 

“Yaas, suh, w’en ’e choke, I t’aw’t ’e mus’be 
swalluh fishbone, ’tel I look att’um ’gen, good 
fashi’n, en’ den I see ’e duh laugh.” 

“Laughed! He dared to laugh?” 

“Maussuh, ’e laugh ’tel ’e mos’ drap out ’e chair, 
en’ den him Nigguh, ’self, biggin fuh laugh. Den, 
’e ’cratch one match, en’ twis’ up de papuh en’ 
nyuze’um fuh light ’e pipe. W’en I shum do dat, 
I leff’um en’ come yuh.” 

“By the Great Horn Spoon! He’ll laugh on 
the other side of his mouth! Go home, sir, and 
tell your mistress to expect me one hour after 
sundown.” 

“Yaas, Maussuh,” and Scipio departed. 

The knight errant dismounted, hitched Zouave 
to a bushy marshmallow nearby, and, as the May 
sunshine was hot, sought shelter for himself 
under a young live-oak whose protecting shade 
spread conveniently in easy gunshot of the gate. 
Laying his Greener on the ground a yard away, 
he cushioned a spot under the tree with an arm¬ 
ful of Spanish moss that hung from the boughs 
overhead, and, seating himself, took a liberal pull 
from the precious flask, removed his hat to catch 
the vagrant airs that came up from the creek 
flowing nearby, and leaned back against the trunk 


6 


LAGUERRE 


with a sigh of satisfaction. How good the world 
seemed! The sweet whistle of a cardinal to his 
nesting mate, the soft, liquid fluting of the red¬ 
wing blackbirds in the reeds a quarter of a mile 
away, the harsh rattle of the kingfisher as he 
“looped the loop’" in erratic flight over the glis¬ 
tening waters, came to his ears soothingly, while 
his nostrils dilated as they sniifed the whole¬ 
some smell of the salt-marsh, blended with the 
heavy, sensuous odor of the sweet-bay blooming 
in a distant swamp. (Another nip from the am¬ 
ber solace of the flask!) Yes, the world was 
good. Good old world! Old, too, very old. Wasn’t 
he, Laguerre, fighting Saracens for the Holy 
Sepulcher a thousand years or so ago? A wave 
of holy zeal swept over him, and he intensified 
the exaltation with another snifter. Good world! 
Young world, too! And there was Paris. Ah, 
Paris! The flowering chestnuts, the gardens of the 
Tuilleries, the Champs-Elysee, Versailles, Ma- 
bille’s! 0 la, la! “La donna e mobile ” he hummed. 
No! Woman fickle? Never! His noble wife at home 
only a few miles away! God bless her! So de¬ 
voted, so uncomplaining, so sympathetic! No 
“gathering brows,” and no storm at his house, 
however late he came home. Drink to her, bless 
her! Noble daughter of old Virginia! Good old Vir¬ 
ginia !. . . Mother of presidents. . . Mother of wives, 
too. .. Mother-in-law of husbands... Mother- 


7 


LAGUERRE 


in-law of Laguerre!. . . Good old Virginia! Drink 
to her!—Sun unusually hot—Stretch out—Little 
nap.—Jus’ little nap. Moss! Soft—Good pillow 
—Nap! 

Down the slope of the western sky the sun slid 
to his setting. The kingfisher sounded his last 
rattle for the day and dipped off to his roost 
through the fading light. From the marshes, 
by twos and threes, the “Indian Pullets” flew 
over to their nightly rendezvous in the swamps. 
A “Po’-Joe” flapped slowly over, his long legs at 
the trail. The shadows deepened. Zouave 
stamped and shuddered his withers as the sand¬ 
flies swarmed over him. The marsh-hens called 
the changing tide. Night fell. 

Laguerre slept, but not silently. His nose, 
as aquiline as Dante's and as big as Cyrano’s, 
was “nobly planned” for snoring, and as he lay 
flat on his back under the oak he used the talent 
with which “designing nature” had endowed him. 
The stars came out. A questing mink crept from 
his lair under the creek bank, sniffed furtively 
and slunk away. From a distant bayou the hollow 
“chuhboongkuh” of a bittern boomed across the 
waste. The air became cooler. A light wind 
from the sea sprang up. In a moment there was 
a glow in the east and the rim of the rising moon 
topped the horizon. Another moment and the 
great orange disk appeared, and, slowly changing 


8 


LAGUERRE 


from golden to silver, flooded the world with light, 
and dewdrops glistened on a thousand spears of 
grass. 

A mocking-bird came from the myrtles, and 
alighting on the gatepost where Laguerre’s de¬ 
fiance, still unchallenged, gleamed pallid in the 
moonbeams, filled the night with melody. The 
moon rode higher and neared the zenith. 

“Come’up, mule! Wuh de debble— You t’ink 
you duh gwine chu’ch, enty?” The crack of a whip, 
the rattle of wheels over the corduroy of the 
causeway, and Scipio, driving a mule to the buck- 
board, appeared with an anxious face. He hurried 
to Laguerre and gave a grunt of relief as he heard 
the welcome snore. A ray of light fell upon the 
flask and, simultaneously, upon the understanding 
of Scipio. Holding it up toward the moon he 
discerned a dram, which he quickly swallowed 
with a “t’engk-gawd ’e lef’ uh leetle tetch,” and 
proceeded to shake his master vigorously. La¬ 
guerre awoke a very Gascon. “Ha! Scipio! I 
bettered my word! I held the gate against all 
comers, all day and half the night. Laughed, 
did he! I’ve taught him how to laugh. Shut 
him up all day within his own gates! By the 
splendor of the constellations! Eh, Scipio?” 

“Yaas, Maussuh,” said the wise old darky, as 
he cut his eye at the roadway and saw, from the 
fresh hoofprints and wheel tracks, that a double 


9 


LAGUERRE 

team had recently passed through the gate, out¬ 
ward bound, “Yaas, Maussuh. Git een de buggy 
now en’ leh we go home. Missis duh wait fuh 
we.” 

“Scipio,” asked Laguerre as he climbed into 
the comfortable buckboard, while Scipio tied poor 
Zouave’s bridle to the rear axle, “Scipio, how did 
your mistress happen to send you in the buck- 
board instead of on horseback?” 

“Maussuh, w’en daa’k come en’ you ent come, 
Missis gone en’ shake de jug wuh you fetch frum 
billage las’ night, en’ de jug shake so light, Mis¬ 
sis tell me fuh hitch’up.” 

“Bless her!” said Laguerre reverently, as Scipio 
took up the lines and drove off. “Bless her!” 


10 


ON THE JUDGMENT SEAT 

When Laguerre was appointed Trial Justice, his 
estimate of his own importance, in the commu¬ 
nity and in the world, increased enormously. 
Always dignified with strangers and with those 
whom he held as his social inferiors, his haugh¬ 
tiness under the magisterial mantle that now hung 
upon his shoulders, would have become a grandee 
of Spain. His whole bearing changed. When he 
rode his old thoroughbred, Zouave, he straight¬ 
ened in his stirrups and carried himself more 
jauntily; when he drove in his buckboard, and the 
springy slats bounced him over the roots of the 
pineland road, each jolt and joggle seemed to 
send him higher and higher up in the world, for 
was he not now a Trial Justice!—the sole repre¬ 
sentative of the law in forty to fifty square miles 
of lower Colleton County, with the power to com¬ 
mit his fellow-citizens to jail, there to languish 
among the Walterboroughians until the conven¬ 
ing of the circuit court should give them freedom 
or prolong their exile? Could he not try causes 
involving the ownership of property not exceed¬ 
ing one hundred dollars in value? Didn’t every 
cow, calf, or ox that fed in forest or field, every 
acorn-hunting pig that rooted the woods, every 
cock that crowed and every hen that cackled 
from Adams Run to Toogoodoo, do so within his 


11 


LAGUERRE 


jurisdiction? Hadn’t he the legal power to hitch 
up man and woman in the holy bonds of wedlock, 
irrevocably to be bound together, each unto the 
other, with all the appurtenances thereunto ap¬ 
pertaining, until unhitched by the State of Geor¬ 
gia, if white, or by the State of Mind of either 
or both, if colored? Was one in such authority 
to hold himself lightly ? He would say not. 

Nineteen-twentieths of those who came before 
him were Negroes, the occasional malefactor 
among the sparse white population of the locality 
regarding it as contemptible to commit any offense 
small enough to subject him to magisterial juris¬ 
diction, when, by going into the matter more 
deeply, he could command the presence of the 
sheriff! Although fierce to truculence toward 
the insolent or surly, Laguerre’s tender heart 
made him compassionate to those who threw them¬ 
selves on his mercy, and as his sympathies were 
always with the weak or distressed, his decisions 
were usually on all fours with those of the Sher¬ 
wood Forest courts under the late Robin Hood. 
But he invariably ruled for contempt of court, 
and punished with a severe lecture, any Negro 
who failed to “pull wool,” or scrape his foot 
when approaching the Presence. 

When the weather was fine Laguerre held an 
open air “Court” in a little glade in the woods, 
just beyond the high bridge that spanned the 


12 


ON THE JUDGMENT SEAT 


turbid waters of Toogoodoo. Here, a few feet 
distant from the highway, with an empty pack¬ 
ing case in front of him for a table, he sat in 
awful majesty on a comfortably cushioned box. 
Spread open before him was a copy of the huge 
Revised Statutes, 1882—a formidable looking 
doomsday book to the poor darkies, while the big 
red hatchet he used as a gavel, added to the im¬ 
pressiveness of the legal “layout.” Woe to the 
witless wight who should ride hard-mouthed mule 
or wilful ox past this dread tribunal without 
making suitable obeisance or acknowledgment! 

One warm June day, the Court was sitting on 
the chintz-cushioned box, and the Negroes in at¬ 
tendance squatted on the ground roundabout, some 
of them moody over their impending fate, but 
most of them laughing and talking in subdued 
tones, or lazily picking the berries that grew with¬ 
in reach. Just across the road stood a big wild- 
cherry tree and, balancing upon its top with up¬ 
lifted wings, a mocking-bird, in harsh tones, 
warned other feathered depredators away from 
the ripening fruit. Cud jo Hawlback, the tall, grim 
Ashanti-looking constable who stood at His Hon¬ 
or’s right, leaning upon a long hickory staff, kept 
order and combined the duties of tipstaff and 
crier. “Oh, yaas! Oh, yaas! All yunnuh Nigguh 
en’ t’ing wuh duh seddown ’puntop de groun’ duh 
’cratch flea en’ pick huckleberry, ’tan’up en’ 


13 


LAGUERRE 


come’yuh close to de Co't weh de Jedge kin look 
’puntop’uh yunnuh. De Co’t done op’n. Silunt 
een Co't!” 

The first case was that of the Slann’s Island 
Fold of the “Sons and Daughters of I Will Arise” 
vs. Sister Judy Chizzum, Treasurer-Lady of the 
lodge. The charge preferred by Bina Fields, 
Secretary-Lady, was that the Treasurer-Lady, 
notwithstanding the robust health with which 
she had been blessed during all the preceding 
year, had disbursed to herself at Christmas two 
weeks' sick benefit—to wit, Seven Dollars. Upon 
the physical and verbal protest of the Secretary- 
Lady, the case, accompanied by the cash-box, had 
been referred for arbitration to the masculine 
president of the society, and the Old-He having 
reserved both decision and cash-box, the tangled 
skein was now, after nearly six months of heart¬ 
burning, wool-pulling, and recrimination, sub¬ 
mitted to Judge Laguerre “fuh ontwis’um.” 

The heavy hatchet fell upon the box with a 
thwack that silenced the scolding mocking-bird 
and sent a shiver through the guilty and near- 
guilty among the Negroes. “Bina Fields, stan’- 
up!” roared Cudjo. Bina, a tall angular per¬ 
son, was already almost on tiptoe, but at the 
harsh summons she grew as stiff as a ramrod. 

“Tek de book!” and as a small greasy looking 
Bible was handed her, she dropped a curtsy and 


14 


ON THE JUDGMENT SEAT 


clasped it tightly in both hands while the entirely 
superfluous oath was administered. 

“Kiss’um, ’ooman! Kiss de book!” Which she 
did with a resounding smack as she dropped 
another curtsy. 

“Bina,” said Laguerre impressively, “tell your 
story.” 

“Well, Maussuh—” 

“Maussuh!” thundered Laguerre, “ Maussuh! 
with ninety thousan’ dollars’ worth of Niggers 
loafing around this court and no power to make 
one of you strike a lick of work save on the chain- 
gang! Maussuh! No—Judge!” 

“Yaas, suh, Maussuh Jedge.” 

“Tell your story.” 

“Well, suh, me is de Seckryterry-Lady, en’ 
Sistuh Chizzum him is de Tredjuruh-Lady, en’ 
us alltwo dey onduhneet’ de Prezzy dent en’ him 
dey ’puntop’uh we, ’cause him duh we pastuh en’ 
t’ing, en’ him duh de Lawd’ renointed, dat w’y- 
mekso us mek’um de S’preme een de ’Syety. Now, 
w’enebbuh de membuh sick, de ’Syety pay’um t’ree 
dolluh en’ fifty cent uh week; but alldo’ Sistuh 
Chizzum hab uh hebby he’lt’ eenjurin’ de Gawd- 
blessed yeah, w’en C’rismus come ’e pit ’e han’ 
een de Tredjuh box en’ tek’out seb’n dolluh fuh 
’eself; so den I ’taguhnize’um tuh de Prezzy dent 
fuh git de t’ing resplain, but him tek him recision 
en’ de box, alltwo, en’ de t’ing tanglety up so, ’tel 


15 


LAGUERRE 


us fetch’um yuh fuh you fuh onrabble’um, suh.” 

“Judy Chizzum!” called Cudjo, and the plump, 
self-satisfied “Tredjuruh-Lady” of the I Will 
Arise kissed the book and smiled at the Court, 
while she fanned herself with a green frond of 
the saw-palmetto. 

“What’s your story? Tell all you know.” 

“Jedge, suh, ef Uh tell all wuh Uh know ’bout 
deseyuh Nigguh, trouble fuh pile’up een dishyuh 
pinelan’ high mo’nuh Toogoodoo Bridge!” 

“Perjure yourself and you go to jail.” 

“Puhjuh! wuh him, suh?” 

“If you don’t tell the truth you perjure your¬ 
self.” 

“Oh, Gawd, Uh yent fuh puhjuh! Maussuh 
Jedge done tu’n me loose! Yunnuh Nigguh 
haffuh tek yunnuh chance! Well, suh, we ’Syety 
hab t’irty-one membuh, en’ all duh freemale 
’scusin’ Pa Tumbo Middletun. Him duh we pas- 
tuh en’ him duh de Prezzy dent. Him duh fuh lead 
we; we duh fuh folluh she, en’ Pa Tumbo ent 
’low none dem t’odduh man fuh jine, ’cause him 
say suh dat will mek uh cunfusion een de foT. 
Now, een de fus’ biggin uh de yeah, Sistuh Lime- 
house him sen’ ’e two leetle gal fuh tell me suh 
him sick, en’ ’e claim de sick benefit. One de gal 
name Bullfrog, t’odduh one name Cootuh. Bull¬ 
frog black sukkuh chimbly back, but Cootuh 
yalluh ez uh punkin. I ax’um, ‘Cootuh, hukkuh 


16 


ON THE JUDGMENT SEAT 


you Stan’ sukkuh yalluhhammuh, en’ Bullfrog 
black lukkuh crow V Den de gal mek ansuh en’ say 
him bin hab de yalluh janduss, mek’um stan’ so, 
en’ ’e say Bullfrog nebbuh bin hab no yalluh jan¬ 
duss. I telhum ‘Yaas, umhm, jaybu’d’ fedduh 
green, en' blackbu’d’ fedduh yalluh, rabbit heng 
by ’e tail frum de ’simmon tree, en’ 'possum jump 
duh briah-patch, cow suck aig, en' mule seddown 
’puntop de chimbly, sukkuh hawn-owl.’ Den Uh 
ax’um ’smattuh ’long ’e ma, en’ ’e say suh ’e ma 
hab one—” 

“Talk’um ’traight, ’e hab two!” interrupted a 
voice. 

“Silunt een Co’t!” roared Cudjo. 

“ ’E say suh ’e ma hab two twin,” continued the 
witness, “so I pay’um him benefit. Den Sistuh 
Poachus, him en’ him juntlemun fight en’ ’e jun- 
tlemun cripple’um, en’ him git ’e benefit. Now, 
Sistuh Gibbs come fuh him chance, en’ ’e leddown 
duh bed en’ mek uh great cumplain, en’ alldo’ Uh 
s’pishun suh ’e tie one ’tring ’roun’ ’e knee fuh 
mek ’e foot fuh swell, Uh nebbuh quizzit’um, en’ 
Uh pay’um, ’cause him hab uh berry ondeestunt 
mout’ w’en ’e bex, en’ Uh yent wantuh agguhnize 
’long’um. Den Sistuh Grant en’ Sistuh Flood en’ 
Sistuh Fields, dishyuh same Seckryterry-Lady 
wuh ’taguhnize me to de Reb’ren’, ebb’ry Gawd 
one uh deseyuh ’ooman wuh duh ’cuze me fuh tek 
my benefit, ebb’ry Cryce one , down to Pa Tumbo’ 


17 


LAGUERRE 


lawfully-lady, ’self, hab one pain, eeduhso baby, 
uh one sump’n’nurruh, en’ git dem benefit, 'tel 
to de las', none lef’ een de ’Syety fuh git benefit 
'cep' Sistuh Sukey Hawlback—” 

“Talk’um, tittuh, talk’um!” 

“Talk’um, ti’ Judy! Talk’um!” interrupted 
women’s voices. 

“Silunt een Co’t!” called Cudjo, while Laguerre 
brought down his hatchet furiously. 

“Yaas, Uh haffuh talk’um, ’cause Jedge mek me 
fuh tell de trute, ’cause Uh yent fuh puhjuh! 
Maussuh Jedus, Uh yent fuh puhjuh! Well, suh, 
’long ’bout de fus’ uh de fall—’cause Uh ’membuh 
Uh binnuh dig ’tettuh attuh de fus’ fros’ done 
come—Uh yeddy one tarrify kind’uh soun’ sukkuh 
hog ketch een baa’b’ wire fench, en’ Uh call to 
Bredduh Paul Mannigo—him duh my class lead- 
uh—en’ Uh ax’um fuh tek my niece Joe, wuh bin¬ 
nuh dig ’tettuh ’long we, en’ ontwis’ de hog out de 
fench. Alltwo de man run, en’, bumbye, Uh yed- 
dy’um call fuh me fuh come. W’en Uh git dey, 
Jedge, Uh fin’ da’ same black Aff’ikin Nigguh wuh 
yunnuh hab fuh counstubble, da’ same longmout’ 
oagly Cudjo wuh stan’ sukkuh ’ranguhtang—” 
“Talk’um, tittuh Judy! Talk’um!” 

“Yaas, Uh fuh talk’um. Cudjo duh swell’up 
sukkuh town pidgin duh sashay ’puntop’uh roof, 
but Uh yent got no kibbuh ’puntop me mout’ 
’cause Jedge done tek’um off, en’ Uh yent fuh 


18 


ON THE JUDGMENT SEAT 


puhjuh! Well, suh, da’ same 'ranguhtang Nigguh 
hab 'e lady tie wid one plow line, hog fashi’n, duh 
beat'um wid hoe handle! W'en us tu'n de po' 
'ooman loose, 'e yent able fuh walk, en’ 'e fambly 
haffuh 'n’int'um wid hawss liniment, en’ rub'um 
wid axil-greese en’ kyarrysene. Now, w'en I see 
how him juntlemun bruk’um’up, I pay'um him 
benefit, en' him duh de las’ one in de 'Syety. So, 
Jedge, w'en C’rismus come, en’ Uh 'membuh suh 
Uh binnuh agguhnize summuch wid all deseyuh 
t'odduh sistuh en' t'ing de whole yeah, Uh fuhgit 
fuh git sick fuh git my benefit, so den I tek'um 
same lukkuh de odduhres'.” 

“Right,” said Laguerre. “Judy, you are dis¬ 
missed. Cudjo,” as he turned to his court official, 
“you black rascal, what have you to say for your¬ 
self? Don't say it, sir! How dare you attempt 
to justify yourself before this court? You are 
sentenced to buy your wife a new frock and a pair 
of shoes, and if I ever hear of this sort of thing 
again I'll commit you to jail! The cause of the 
State of South Carolina versus Tumbo Middleton 
for misappropriation of trust funds is continued 
until next Saturday at 12 o'clock noon. Dismiss 
the court.” 

“Oh, Jedus, dishyuh duh one Jedge!” 

“Yaas, tittuh, 'e mek de 'ranguhtang fuh buy 
frock!” 

“En' 'e pit shoe 'puntop de 'ooman' foot!” 


19 


LAGUERRE 


As the chorus of feminine approval of his sen¬ 
tence swelled about him, Cudjo shouted trucu¬ 
lently, “Oh, yaas! oh, yaas! All wunnuh Nigguh 
come’yuh nex’ Sattyday middleday fuh sprose- 
cute de Reb’ren’ Middletun fuh tek dem ’ooman’ 
tredjuh-box en> t’ing!” Then, as the Negroes 
broke up into laughing and talking groups, he 
turned wrathfully to Judy who, delighted with 
her part in the day’s doings, was smiling broadly, 
“Yaas, you good-fuh-nuttV, ’ceitful, debble’ub’uh 
’ooman, duh yo 9 mout’ mek me fuh git een trou¬ 
ble.” 

“Yaas, fuh true, bubbuh, enty de Jedge done 
onkibbuhr’um?” 

“Onkibbuhr’um! ’E nebbuh yiz bin hab kib- 
buh ’puntop’uhr’um! ’E fuhrebbuh stan’ sukkuh 
fishpon’ full’up wid fry-bakin frog!” 


20 


PA TUMBO AT THE BAR 

Since early morning the Negroes, always ahead 
of time, had been foregathering at the Cross¬ 
roads, near which Laguerre had pitched his judi¬ 
cial tent, and by the time the court convened at 
noon a hundred or more expectant members of 
Pa Tumbo’s flock were eagerly awaiting the in¬ 
auguration of the proceedings against him. The 
defendant was late in arriving, and drove up only 
a short time before the coming of Laguerre, ac¬ 
companied by his “lawfully-lady,” as the Negroes 
call the wife to whom a man is married. The 
“lawfully-lady” was a small, meek creature of the 
type usually affected by large, important men. 
The women paid her scant attention, but greeted 
Tumbo effusively, while the men, especially the 
younger ones, looked askance at the monopolist, 
whom they regarded much as the small butcher 
does the Meat Trust. 

When Laguerre had taken his seat, Cudjo 
opened court and the defendant was called. 

“Tumbo Middletun!” A huge middle-aged 
black Negro waddled pompously to the “wit¬ 
ness stand,” a spot of ground upon which the 
weeds and grass had been worn away by the shod 
and unshod feet of the Negroes, and took the 
oath. His long, black coat was thrown open and 
his fingers fumbled clumsily at a heavy gilt 


21 


LAGUERRE 


watch chain that looped about the rotundity of 
his well filled paunch. Laguerre bent his brows 
fiercely upon this putative and potential father 
of flocks as he appraised the fat that covered the 
bull neck and broad jowls whose enlargement had 
pinched so many poor households, for no monk- 
ridden people in the early centuries of Christian¬ 
ity were assessed more heavily by the priesthood 
than these wretched but devoted Negroes for the 
support in idleness, too often corrupt and vicious 
idleness, of their spiritual shepherds! Laguerre, 
who had dealt so leniently with the women at the 
last trial, was in no such disposition toward 
Tumbo. As a planter he resented the habitual 
idleness of a “fifteen hundred dollar Nigger,” 
while as a man and a humanitarian he despised 
him for battening upon the pittances of the poor. 

“Tumbo Middleton, you are upon the historic 
soil of Adams Run Township, Colleton County, 
South Carolina! Upon the soil aforesaid you 
stand before this court charged with breach of 
trust, to wit: the abstraction, retention and ap¬ 
propriation of a cigar box of the length of eight 
inches, of the width of five inches, and of the 
depth of three inches, the same being the Trea¬ 
sure-Box and financial depository of the Slann’s 
Island Fold of the Sons and Daughters of I Will 
Arise, all of which is against the peace and dig¬ 
nity of the State, county and township aforesaid 


22 


PA TUMBO AT THE BAR 

and in contravention of the statutes thereby made 
and provided; also, by alienating the contents of 
the box, if any, you have committed mayhem upon 
the financial resources of the Society to which 
you stand in loco parentis—spiritualis et natura- 
libis, and the devil knows what besides! Now, you 
—justification of the Darwinian theory—what 
have you got to say for yourself, and be con¬ 
foundedly careful how you say it, or I’ll pop you 
into jail for perjury!” 

“Oh, Jedus! Pa Tumbo fuh puhjuh!” shrieked 
the Secretary-Lady. “Him fuh sen’ Walterbur- 
ruh!” 

Tumbo talked slowly and unctuously, almost 
smacking his lips over his words as if he enjoyed 
their savor, as his sonorous tones fell upon the 
ears of his audience. Most of them were mem¬ 
bers of his congregation and, used as they were 
to his pompous pulpit platitudes, which delivered 
ex cathedra , were accepted without question, 
they were yet human enough to enjoy the grill¬ 
ing of even their beloved pastor, the Negro na¬ 
ture at all times being able to extract consider¬ 
able pleasure out of the mental anguish of their 
friends and themselves, so, though paradoxical, 
his more devoted women members were miserably 
happy over his plight, while the men, who had 
long questioned the equity, if not the propriety, 
of the sequestration of so many desirable fe- 


23 


LAGUERRE 

males within the fold of the I Will Arise, were 
frankly delighted. 

“Well, Jedge,” he began, almost condescend¬ 
ingly, “you see, I is de pastuh ub de Slann' Flun’ 
Met’dis’ Chu’ch, en’ I hab de ’sponsibility fuh Free 
hund’ud sinful soul, en' I done chaa’ge by de 
’Zyd’n Elder fuh shep’u’d dem lukkuh de shep’u’d 
gyaa’d ’e sheep, en’, so dis ’sponsibility kin filfil, 
I done orguhnize de Slann’ Flun’ Fol’ ub de Son 
en" Daughtuh ub de I Will Arise—” 

“How many sons and how many daughters?” 
interrupted Laguerre. 

“I duh de only son, Jedge, en’ dem farruh!” 

“You are not the first who has aspired to the 
paternity of his country, in the fullest meaning 
of the term! How many daughters ?” 

“Tirty, Jedge, ub de nyung sistuh dat ’quire 
puhteckshun een de fol’ frum de wolf dat roam 
bidout, seekin’ whom dey may devour, en' t’ief 
do not break t’ru nor steal.” 

“Haa'kee att’um! Him duh elly funt, en’ him duh 
call we wolf!” 

“Elly funt! him duh bull alligettuh!” 

“Yaas, bubbuh, him fuh puhteck’um sukkuh 
suck-aig-dawg puhteck hen nes’!” the men shouted 
with derisive laughter which the court did not 
check. 

“Now, Jedge,” the witness resumed, “it 'quire 
uh berry pashunt man fuh agguhnize en' nullify 


24 


PA TUMBO AT THE BAR 


wid all deseyuh nyung sistuh en' lead dem fuh 
sanctify onduh de Lawd' renointed. 'Ooman iz 
shishuh onreasunubble t’ing w’en dem git tan- 
glety up, dishyuh one en' t’arruh one, wid sum- 
much’uh she-she talk—” 

“She-she talk!” 

“Yaas, Jedge, 'ooman talk. W’en dem git 
twis’up een dem quarrelmewt, en’ all deseyuh 
gwinin' en' gwinin', dem pastuh haffuh pashunt 
'long dem sukkuh hen duh seddown 'puntop'uh 
duck' aig, befo' him kin onrabble'um. Now, Jedge, 
all eenjurin’uh de yeah deseyuh sistuh binnuh 
'spute en' agguhnize 'long demself 'bout dishyuh 
sick benefit. Seem lukkuh ef Sistuh Washin'ton 
hab ub teet'ache dishyuh week, Sistuh Rab'nel 
him haffuh hab baby, eeduhso snake bite'um, 
nex' week. Dem all try fuh sick 'nuf fuh git dem 
benefit befo' de yeah done out, en' dem all hab 
uh good luck en’ git dem chance, 'scusin' Sistuh 
Chizzum, him iz de Tredjuruh-Lady, en' w'en 'e 
seem lukkuh nutt'n' ain' gwine happ'n to him, 
den 'e tek out him benefit fuh shayre'um eeb’n. 
W’en de Seckryterry-Lady shum do dat, 'e 'tag- 
uhnize’um to de Prezz ydent, dat w'ymekso me 
tek'um fuh onrabble'um.” 

“Well, what did you ‘onrabble’? How much 
money was in the box?” 

“Money, suh! Ef yo’ b'leebe me, Jedge, de box 


25 


LAGUERRE 


bin full'uh de pyo’ nutt’n’! ’E ain’ hab uh fi’- 
cent, needuhso uh t’ree-cent, een’um—” 

Tumbo’s testimony was suddenly cut short and 
never concluded. 

A concert of yells from the women, some of 
whom jumped up from the ground and ran in 
several directions, while others rolled over and 
over like armadilloes until they got behind the 
trunks of protecting pines, put a sudden stop to 
the proceedings. The Court plied his hatchet 
while he glared about him seeking some one whom 
he might hold responsible for thus rudely inter¬ 
rupting the dignified and orderly processes of the 
law. His fierce regard fell upon Cudjo, who, 
staff in hand, had seized and was holding by the 
grapevine bridle a plunging ox, whose sudden 
burst into the crowd in a clumsy bovine imitation 
of a bucking bronco, had caused general con¬ 
sternation. The wild-eyed rider had rolled off the 
moss-stuffed crocus bag that served for a saddle 
and stood trembling before the Presence into 
which his steed had projected him so unceremo¬ 
niously. The ox, rolling his eyes as is the way 
with panicky creatures of his species, seemed as 
apprehensive as his master of the fate in store 
for him. 

“What do you mean, sir, by disturbing this 
Court? Pull your wool, you black rascal! What 
brought you here?” 


26 


PA TUMBO AT THE BAR 


“Oxin, suh,” stammered the unhappy wretch, 
as he pulled his forelock and scraped his foot in 
humble obeisance. 

“Don’t trifle with me, sir! Why did the ox 
bring you here?” 

“Haa’d mout’, suh, en’ cowfly.” 

“Hard mouth and cowflies, eh? I fine you one 
dollar for contempt and one dollar for your flip¬ 
pancy!” 

“My Gawd , Maussuh! Me yent fuh do nutt’n’, 
en’ da’ las’ t’ing wuh you call’um, me nebbuh 
yeddy ’bout’um sence Uh bawn, much less fuh 
shum, suh. Maussuh, me dey een uh hebby 
trouble. Please, suh, fuh tu’n me loose so uh kin 
go Adam Run fuh baig Mas’ Henry fuh credik 
me fuh git some med’sin fuh da’ po’ leetle gal, 
Uh leff’um so sick, en’ ’e ma duh cry ’cause ’e yent 
got nutt’n’ fuh g’em, ’cause you see, suh, me en’ 
’e ma alltwo duh wu’k out obuh to Dr. Paul’ place, 
en’ Nigguh don’ git pay’off ’tel Sattyday night, 
en’ us lib to Mas’ Jawge Jinkin’ place, close dish- 
yuh same Toogoodoo, en’ Uh got one deseyuh 
coonoo duh crik, ’e mek out’uh cypruss log, dem 
call’um trus’-me-gawd, ’cause w’en man gone 
een’um him haffuh hab fait’ fuh cya’um t’ru, but 
chillun en’ t’ing ain’ know nutt’n’ ’bout’um, en’ 
las’ night Uh gone duh crik fuh eyas’ fuh try fuh 
ketch some deseyuh finguh-mullet fuh kind’uh 
tas’e we mout’, ’cause cawn-hom’ny shishuh dry 


27 


LAGUERRE 


bittle, en’ bakin so skaceful Uh yent kin git none 
fuh pit 'puntop’uhr’um, en’ Uh yent ketch mo’nuh 
han’ful uh mullet 'cause pawpuss come een de 
crick en' 'e run’um all up een dem leetle lead duh 
maa’sh, en' w’en Uh git sho’, Uh lef’ de trus’-me- 
gawd haul’ up, 'cause tide binnuh rise en' Uh didn’ 
want’um fuh too fudduh frum sho' w'en tide high, 
en' one fool Nigguh name Mingo Puhlite, wuh lib 
to Mas' Jawge’, him hab uh ole mule, Uh dunno 
w'ymekso 'e hab’um 'cause 'e nebbuh hab no 
bittle fuh g’em fuh eat en' de mule fuhrebbuh 
hongry, en' dem Nigguh call’um 'tumpsuckuh, 
'cause w’en him hongry him tek one tree 'tump 
een 'e teet' en' ketch 'e bre’t' en’ try fuh swal- 
luhr’um, en’ las’ night Mingo hab t’ree-fo’ ear 
cawn—no, suh, Uh yent know weh 'e gitt’um, 
but Uh know berry well 'e yent duh him’own, 
'cause Mingo stan' sukkuh Buh Rabbit, him ent 
fuh plant no crap 'cause ebb’rybody’ crap duh 
him’own w’en de man wuh 'e blonx to tu'n'way 
'e yeye, so Mingo fin’ 'e mule duh bite maa’sh 'long 
de crik aige, en’ 'e ketch’um by 'e yez en' lead’um 
dey to de coonoo, weh Uh leff ’um, en' 'e pit de cawn 
een’um en’ gone Nigguh-house-yaa’d, en' w’en 
de good-fuh-nutt’n' mule done nyam 'e bittle, him 
t’ink suh de trus’-me-gawd duh 'tump, en’ 'e graff 
de aige wid 'e teet’ en’ ketch 'e bre’t’ en’ bite hole 
out de gonnil, en’ teday w’en my leetle seb’n yeah 
old gal gone duh crik en’ git een de coonoo en’ 


28 


PA TUMBO AT THE BAR 

paddle’um ’bout fuh play, him nebbuh study ’bout 
de aige done bite out, en’ ’e yent know nutt’n’ 
’tel de watuh come een en’ tu’n’um obuh, en’ w’en 
da’ chillun gal try fuh git sho’, ’e ’tep ’puntop’uh 
oshtuh bank, en’ de shaa’p rokkoon-oshtuh shell 
cut ’e foot mos’ een half, en’ dem ’ooman tek’um 
up en’ cya’um to ’e ma, en’ ’e ma tayre’up uh 
w’ite shu’t yo’ lady gimme C’rismus, suh, en’ ’e 
tie’up de po’ leely gal’ foot, en’ ’e tell me fuh gone 
billage fuh baig fuh de liniment fuh pit on’um, 
en’ Uh ketch dis ’ceitful haa’d-head oxin, en’ Uh 
binnuh ride’um fas’ duh paat’, en’ cowfly bite’um 
onduhneet’ ’e hanch, en’ ’e twitch ’e tail but ’e 
cyan’ reach’um, en’ de t’ing ’ting’um so keen 
’e run’way, en’ ’e mout’ haa’d sukkuh ’e head, en’ 
Uh yent hab nutt’n’ but grapewine fuh bridle 
en’—” 

“Stop!” cried Laguerre as the tomahawk de¬ 
scended. “Ride like the devil to the village and 
get your medicine, and if you loaf by the way 
I’ll punish you on sight! Here,” he continued, 
handing the astonished Negro a silver dollar, 
“If 'speech is silvern,’ you’ve earned it.” 


29 

















A FEUD IN FEATHERS 

It was high noon at the Toogoodoo trysting 
place of “Jedge” Laguerre’s woodland Temple 
of Justice. 

The brilliant July sunshine filtered through the 
glistening needles of the pines and fell upon a 
wealth of forest flowers; the pink-tipped spires 
of the deer-grass, the glaucous foliage of the part¬ 
ridge-peas, thickset with blossoming clusters of 
old-rose and salmon, and the beautiful white and 
yellow orchis; whose tall stems, branching at 
the top into fairy candelabra of feathery blooms, 
flecked the dark scrub of the undergrowth with 
points of gold and silver light. Here and there 
in the damp open glades were upstanding ranks— 
platoons and companies—of the sinister sarra- 
cenia, their painted throats luring myriads of 
buzzing insects to destruction. 

In the moister spots along the roadside the 
fragrance of the blossoming wild-grape and the 
ruddy pendants of the trumpet vine delighted 
the senses. Down toward the sea, on a soft wind 
from the west, light clouds, singly and in fleets, 
floated in stately procession across the blue, each 
ship and shallop under full sail for the far hori¬ 
zon. 

Three neighborhood roads converged near the 
court, and one by one, and in chattering groups 


31 


LAGUERRE 


the Negroes came, a few in response to legal sum¬ 
mons, but most of them impelled by curiosity to 
witness the discomfiture of their friends and 
neighbors. The proceedings were charged with 
unusual interest, for news had gone about the 
countryside of a fierce feud between Sister Daphne 
Poinsett, resident on the Whaley plantation, and 
her neighbor, Sister Phoebe Polite. Now, Daphne 
had planted a garden and tilled the soil, but 
Phoebe, like the mythical Leda, leaned toward 
feathers, and while loving nor swan nor goose, 
she fervently affected the frizzled hen that 
cackled and the cock that crowed nocturnally, 
matutinally, and upon such other occasions as 
the challenging of a rival in the neighborhood, 
gallantry toward the ladies of his court, or the 
vanity and boastfulness which we are told inheres 
in all males of whatsoever species, prompted. 

Now, the cock that was charged with the pater¬ 
nity of Phoebe’s feathered flock, the warning 
away of hawks and other chanticlerical duties, 
was a “forward-looking” fellow—he was ashamed 
to look behind, for he had no more tail than a 
penguin! Lacking the long, drooping plumes 
that constitute the crowning glory of a rooster’s 
hinterland, he sported only short, incurving 
feathers, forming a sort of bustle, and, like Rich¬ 
ard, somewhat curtailed of his “fair proportion,” 
also like Richard, his courage was fierce, and 


32 


A FEUD IN FEATHERS 


though cutting no more figure among his long¬ 
tailed rivals than a Tuxedo at a St. Cecilia ball, 
he was always ready to fight, and, lacking the tail 
to turn, of course he never turned tail! 

So Daphne tilled the soil, while Phoebe engaged 
in animal-husbandry, in the Creation-old compe¬ 
tition between these two branches of outdoor 
industry, and the advantage was with the latter, 
for while Daphne delved, Phoebe watchfully 
waited, knowing that in the fullness of time when 
the garden should bourgeon forth with “the kindly 
fruits of the earth,” her feathered “Tumbo” and 
his feminine following would find the way over 
the wattled clapboard fence that enclosed the 
garden, while the downy little biddies, summoned 
by the maternal cluck, would creep through the 
cracks to join in the revelry of destruction. 

Daphne had protested against the several inva¬ 
sions with whatever odds and ends of sticks and 
brickbats she could command. These, hurled 
with the curving trajectory for which the female 
of the species is famous, flew wide of the mark, 
but, whatever the propulsive limitations of the 
feminine scapula, nature has imposed none on 
the esteemed larynx, and she supplemented her 
battery of hand-thrown missiles with a rapid fire 
of Gullah imprecations, projected with a direct¬ 
ness of aim that tingled the ears and excited the 
ire of her neighbor. 


33 


LAGUERRE 


“Me fuh bruk my back fuh 'toop down en' 
pull up not-grass en’ t’istle en' t’ing, fuh mek 
gyaa'd'n fuh 'cratch’up 'long frizzle hen en' rum- 
pletail roostuh, enty? De debble! Ef oonuh ain’ 
cut dem wing fuh keep’um frum fly obuh my 
fench, Uh gwine tek'um’up onduhneet’ de stock 
law, en' mek oonuh fuh pay dammidge.” 

“Mek me fuh pay dammidge! You mus’be 
fool! You t'ink bu’d duh anni mel, enty? Tek’um 
up! Tek’um up! Uh’ll tek you spang Toogoodoo 
Bridge to Trial Jestuss!” 

“Tek me Trial Jestuss fuh refen’ de gyaa'd’n 
wuh Uh mek wid my own lavuh! 'Ooman, don' 
mek me bex! Oonuh t’ink 'cause yo’ juntlemun 
bin een Walterburruh jail fuh t’ief hog, suh 
ebb’rybody haffuh tek Trial Jestuss? Don’ mek 
me fuh bex, ’cause ef Uh haffuh knock you teday, 
Uh fuh knock you hebby 'tel Uh fuh hab sin!" 

“You fuh hab sin dis minnit," and then they 
hitched. Two quarreling African males will 
often bristle up and exchange epithets and chal¬ 
lenges for hours without locking horns, but the 
women come to grips on slight provocation, es¬ 
pecially if a masculine name is brought into the 
controversy, and by the time these ladies were 
dissevered, each had acquired somewhat of the 
wool and the raiment of the other. Diplomatic 
relations were suspended, and their cabins and 
the ears of their lords were filled with mutterings 


34 


A FEUD IN FEATHERS 


for several days. A climax was reached when 
Daphne, baiting a coop with corn, within the pri¬ 
vacy of her palings, captured Rumplestiltskin 
and half a dozen of his affiliated females, and, im¬ 
pounding them under the stock law, held the 
flock in ransom for three dollars damages. 
Phoebe swelled with rage, but the memory, forti¬ 
fied by the marks, of her neighbor’s finger nails, 
made her contain herself, and, hurrying to La- 
guerre, she lodged complaint, upon which Cud jo, 
the constable, was despatched with a summons 
to Sister Poinsett to appear as defendant and 
Sister Polite as prosecuting witness. 

And now the belligerents, surrounded by their 
friends, came in sight and neared the Cross-roads. 
In the centre of Daphne’s group moved a small 
oxdrawn cart, the defendant on the driver’s seat, 
and behind her a coop containing the impounded 
poultry. Most of the men walked, while the 
women rode in carts. The headstalls of oxen 
and mules were stuck full of sweetgum boughs 
to keep off the tormenting flies, the mass of foli¬ 
age suggesting from a distance the coming of 
Birnam Wood to Dunsinane! At last plaintiff, 
defendant, witnesses, and spectators met the ap¬ 
pointed hour at the appointed place, but he who 
had bidden them to the legal feast was absent. 
There were anxious looks for Laguerre. What 
could have detained one who always disciplined 


35 


LAGUERRE 


so severely those who were tardy in attendance 
upon his Court? The Negroes exchanged opin¬ 
ions. 

“Eh, eh, Uh wunduh ’smattuh ’long de Buckruh! 
Him tell we ’sponsubble fuh git yuh befo’ middle- 
day.” 

“Uh ’speck’ ’e meet somebody duh paat’ en’ 
stop fuh talk.” 

Him ain’ lub fuh talk,” (derisively). 

“Fuh true, bubbuh, Jedge him ain’ lub fuh talk, 
en’ deer him ain’ lub fuh eat peawine, en’ rokkoon 
him ain’ lub oshtuh, en’ ’ooman him ain’ lub—” 

“Yuli ’e come! Yuh ’e come!” and from the 
Slann’s Island road Laguerre drove up with his 
body servant, Scipio; but, instead of Zouave, the 
animal between the shafts of the buckboard was 
a sullen looking beast whose large ears flopped 
dejectedly. His master seemed in a thundering 
temper, and, seating himself without a word, com¬ 
menced turning over the pages of his book, look¬ 
ing up the stock law applicable to the pending 
case. Meanwhile, Scipio enlightened the Negroes 
as to the cause of their delay. “Ole Zooab him bin 
lame dis mawnin’ w’en Maussuh ready fuh staa’t, 
en’ him tell me fuh hitch up dis t’odduh hawss, 
name Dead Lock. Now, one time Maussuh bin 
een Maa’shull’ sto’ to Adam Run billage, duh talk, 
en’ dishyuh same hawss bin hitch to de fench 
wid ’e head heng down, duh study. Dr. Baa’nwell 


36 


A FEUD IN FEATHERS 


binnuh walk pas’ de sto’, en’ him berry lub fuh 
yeddy Maussuh cuss, en’ him sick ’e bull tarrier 
’puntop Dead Lock, en’ de tarrier bite’um on 
’e yez, en’ de hawss bruk loose en' run’way. 
Maussuh sho’ hab uh gifted mout’ fuh cuss. ’E 
cuss, 'e cuss, ’e cuss, en' 'e cuss, en’ Dr. Baa’n- 
well git ’e pledjuh, ’cause ’e stan’up on ’e po’ch 
’cross de road, duh buss’ ’eself wid laugh. Attuh- 
w’ile, yuh come Dead Lock back down de Bu’n 
Chu’ch road, duh drag ’e bridle, en’ Maussuh 
b’leebe ’tel now, suh ’e cuss’um back. Ebbuh 
sence da’ tarrier bite’um, Dead Lock him lub fuh 
balk. Teday we binnuh dribe ’long ’bout two 
mile frum yuh, en’ puhzac’ly to de cross-road, 
we see weh somebody kill one t’unduh snake en’ 
leff’um middle’uh de road. ’E yent bin dead, 
’cause t’unduh snake, Uh dunkyuh hummuch 
oonuh kill’um, ’e ain’ gwine dead ’tel t’unduh roll. 
W’en Dead Lock look ’puntop de snake ’e jump 
mos’ out de road, en’ w’en ’e light back een de 
road ’e yent fuh moobe. Maussuh coax'um, 'e cuss- 
f um! y e coax'um, y e cuss'um! ’E tie up one ’e befo’ 
foot, ’e onloose’um, ’e nebbuh moobe; ’e twis’ ’e 
tail, ’e cuss’um, ’gen. ’E cuss’um all ’e weeky-day 
cuss en’ ’e cuss’um all ’e Sunday cuss. Dead 
Lock’ foot tie een de du't; ’e nebbuh moobe. Den 
Maussuh biggin fuh bex fuh true! Maussuh 
hab two bex, ’e bex ’long ’e mout’ en’ ’e bex ’long 
’e yeye. W’en ’e bex ’long ’e mout’, ’e kin cuss’um 


37 


LAGUERRE 


off, but w’en ’e shet ’e mout’ en’ ’e yeye biggin fuh 
tu’n red, da' duh him dainjus bex. All ub uh 
sudd’nt Uh shum shet ’e mout’ tight, sukkuh box- 
cootuh, en’ ’e yeye tu’n red ez game roostuh’ eye. 
Den Uh know trouble fuh come! ’E study two- 
t’ree minnit, 'tel ’e ’membuh ’bout Dr. Baa’nwell’ 
bull tarrier, den ’e jump out de buggy en’ run 
to Dead Lock’ head en’ pull’um down en’ ketch 
one de hawss’ yez een ’e teet’ en’ mek uh growl 
sukkuh tarrier, en’ bite’um haa’d ez ’e kin. Dead 
Lock rayre en’ ’e pitch. ’E rayre en’ ’e pitch. 
Maussuh hab ’e two han’ ’roun’ ’e neck en’ ’e 
teet’ een ’e yez. W’en de hawss come down to de 
groun’ Maussuh tu’n’um loose en’ climb een de 
buggy en’ tek’up de reinge en’ dribe off bidout 
no trouble.” 

The court convened. Daphne Poinsett was 
called. 

“Well, suh, Mis’ Puhlite him en’ me duh navuh. 
Us alltwo lib W’aley. Him lub lazy tummuch 
fuh mek gyaa’d’n, but ’e berry lub tu’nup en’ 
t’ing w’enebbuh Uh g’em some. Him hab him 
yaa’d full uh fowl. ’E hab ’nuf kind’uh fowl, 
some raise duh yaa’d, en’ some raise off’uh roos’, 
’cause him juntlemun berry schemy, en’ ’e done 
bin Walterburruh two time fuh t’ief hog; one 
time de Buckruh ketch’um duh ’ood wid de hog 
on ’e back, t’odduh time de Buckruh binnuh ride 
pas’ ’e house; en’ dishyuh same Mis’ Puhlite 


38 


A FEUD IN FEATHERS 


come to de do’ fuh look, en’ 'e mout' shine, 'cause 
Nigguh’ mout' w’en 'e greesy shine same lukkuh 
town Buckruh' shoe, en' w'en de Buckruh look 
'puntop de 'ooman’ mout’ 'e s'pishun hogmeat 
mek'um stan' so, en' 'e gone een de house en' 'e 
fin' half de hog heng up, en' one fry'-pan full, duh 
fiah. Dat mek two time dis ’ooman’ husbun’ git 
ketch, but 'e mo' smaa't fuh fowl den 'e yiz fuh 
hog, en' nobody nebbuh ketch’um 'long fowl, 
'cause 'e hab sense 'nuf fuh nebbuh t’ief no roos- 
tuh, 'cause w’en roostuh crow, 'fo' dayclean, you 
kin yeddy’um fudduh, en' ebb'rybody ruckuhnize 
him own roostuh' crow, en' w'en dem loss roostuh, 
dey berry aps fuh git up soon duh mawnin' en' 
liss'n, en' dem kin ruckuhnize puhzac’ly who 
got dem fowl, ef dem ain’ done eat'um, but Mis' 
Puhlite hab frizzle hen en’ Dammynickuh hen 
en' t’ing, but 'e only hab dishyuh one debble'ub'uh 
rumpletail roostuh; 'e tail stan' sukkuh rabbit’ 
tail, but 'e fly lukkuh bu'd, en' w'enebbuh 'e fly 
obuh my fench, you kin yeddy’um, ‘cuk, cuk, cuk,’ 
en’ ebb’ry Cryce hen de 'ooman got, hice dem wing 
en' folluhr’um een my gyaa’d’n en’ biggin fuh 
'cratch fuh who las’ de longes’. Las' week, Jedge, 
w'en Uh quizzit dis 'ooman 'bout 'e fowl, 'e bex 
’cause Uh tell'um him juntlemun bin Walterbur- 
ruh, en’ me nuh him hitch. Den Uh ketch 'e fowl 
en' pen’um up, en' hol’um fuh t'ree dolluh dam- 
midge, en' dat all wuh Uh got fuh say." 


39 


LAGUERRE 


"And very well said,” commented the Court. 

"Now, Phoebe, for your story.” 

"Jedge, suh, nutt'n' but de pyo’ mean mek dis 
'ooman stan' so. 'E bex 'cause I hab fowl en' 
him ent hab none. 'E yent got nutt'n' een 'e drat 
gyaa'd’n but two-t’ree tu'nup en’ cabbidge, en' 
'nuf Jimsin weed en' t'istle. 'E go een 'e gyaa'd'n 
fuh mek b'leebe suh him duh wu'k, en' all de time 
'e duh hide behine de fench fuh yeddy w’at dem 
t'odduh 'ooman duh talk 'bout him juntlemun. 
Pinesett, him iz uh berry spo’ty leetle Nigguh, 
en', 'cause him own lawfully-lady so oagly, him 
lub fuh talk sweetmout' talk to dem t’odduh 
'ooman, en’ w'enebbuh 'e go Adam Run, 'e does 
fetch gunjuh en' nickynack en' t’ing fuh g'em, en’ 
sometime w'en 'e gone duh crik wid 'e cyas'- 
net fuh ketch mullet en' swimp, him does lef' some 
uh what 'e ketch to dem t'odduh 'ooman do', en’ 
dat kind’uh mek Mis’ Pinesett jalius, ’cause, alldo’ 
him so oagly, seem lukkuh him ent sattify fuh hab 
him juntlemun fetch bittle fuh none dem t’odduh 
'ooman! En', Jedge, Uh yent sattify fuh pay no 
t'ree dolluh dammidge, 'cause de 'ooman' gyaa'd'n 
ent wu't', en' 'e git t'ree-fo’ aig ebb'ry day 'e hab 
my fowl een 'e pen, en' 'e got my roostuh shet'up 
en’ lef' my yaa'd full’uh lonesome hen, en' all day 
dem duh cyackly, en' no roostuh dey dey fuh 
ansuhr'um, en' please, suh, fuh mek de 'ooman 
tu'n'um loose.” 


40 


A FEUD IN FEATHERS 


Laguerre looked puzzled. How could “the 
likeness of any winged fowl that flieth in the 
air” be brought on all fours with the quadrupedal 
contemplation of the South Carolina Legislature? 
It couldn’t be done. He must release the darkies 
and the poultry and have done with both Tar and 
Feathers! Meanwhile, he was curious to see the 
rooster which had so rumpled the roseleaves under 
Daphne, and the constable was commanded to 
open the coop. A few blows of the hatchet 
loosened the top, which Cud jo wrenched from the 
box with a force that sent him backward, as 
“rumpletail” and his flock, terrified at the abun¬ 
dant local color about them, leaped squawking 
from their quondam prison and, under leg and 
wing power, scattered among the undergrowth 
in every direction. The instinct of the Negroes 
for their unlawful prey was too strong to be 
resisted, and nine-tenths of them started in pur¬ 
suit, forgetting for the moment their fear of 
Laguerre, whose sense of humor overcame his 
dignity as he ordered the dismissal of court and 
case. “Oh, yaas! Oh, yaas!” cried Cudjo, “All 
yunnuh Nigguh frum W’aley, you done tu’n loose. 
Ketch yunnuh fowl, eeduhso yunnuh annimeZ, en’ 
gone home!” 


41 













“MORE DEADLY THAN THE MALE” 


It was noon on a hot Sunday at the end of 
August. Laguerre, in shirt sleeves and slippered 
feet, sat in a big armchair on the wide front 
piazza of his plantation home. A setter dozed at 
his feet, rousing himself now and then to snap 
at the flies that disturbed his rest. On a table 
at his master’s side were papers and magazines 
and, best of all, a tall tumbler filled with an amber 
julep. There was no frost upon the glass, because 
there was no ice in August within a day’s journey 
of Slann’s Island, but cool spring water sufficed 
for the very little dilution that Laguerre tolerated 
in his favorite drink. The sun was warm, but the 
breeze was cool and his house, high from the 
ground, with tall steps running up to the first 
story, gave full sweep to the winds from the sea. 
Laguerre mused, and drank—and drowsed, and 
drank again. Fond as he was of the society of 
others, he always found himself good company, 
and when alone was constantly communing with 
himself in the spoken as well as the unspoken 
word. How many happy conceits he had with 
himself, how many droll jokes, as he reviewed 
in his mind the clever things he had said to others 
or thought to himself! What a blessing from 
Heaven is the sense of humor which permits one 
to laugh at himself, as with himself! Laguerre 


43 


LAGUERRE 


had the “merry heart” that “goes all the way” 
and his spirits—save those he drank—were never 
down very long. 

It was harvest season. The Sea-Island cotton 
fields were just beginning to show the first open 
bolls, and on the rice plantations a few miles 
away they had commenced cutting the early rice. 
The harvest season is a joyful one everywhere, 
but particularly so to the gregarious Negroes, 
who love to work in gangs and usually flock from 
the small farms to the big plantations where they 
may exchange quip and jest with their fellows. 
All the morning, groups of happy Negroes, the 
women decked out in bright calicoes, ginghams 
and head-kerchiefs, had been passing along 
the road a few yards in front of the door, on their 
way to church, shouting and laughing and ex¬ 
changing pleasantries, as only these childlike, 
irresponsible people can. However empty the 
larder, however bare the backs or limbs of their 
little children, however tortured with pain and 
trouble their kindred, the merry laugh or the 
joyous shout is always near the surface. 

As one of these groups passed his house, La- 
guerre, through half-closed eyes, noticed one mem¬ 
ber of the party, a young man, leave the crowd 
and walk slowly toward the gate. Lifting the 
latch he entered and, hat in hand, ascended the 
tall steps. The dog sprang up and growled, but 


44 


“MORE DEADLY THAN THE MALE” 

at a word from his master turned around a time 
or two, lay down, and settled back to his nap. 

Laguerre’s visitor, who pulled his wool and 
scraped his foot on the top step, was in a pitiable 
plight; his nose was swollen, his half-closed eyes 
were bunged and bloodshot, and a blood-stained 
cloth was tied around his head over the left ear. 

“Well, Christopher,” said Laguerre, “what’s 
your trouble?” 

“ ’Ooman, suh,” he replied. 

“You seem to be badly hurt.” 

“Yaas, suh, me nose, one yez, en’ alltwo me 
yeye, suh. De nose butt, de yez bite, en’ alltwo 
de yeye ’cratch, suh.” 

“Who did it?” 

“ ’Ooman, suh; da’ same Mimer, my lady, wuh 
you hitch me to las’ C’rismus; en’, Jedge, please 
suh fuh tu’n we loose, ’cause me nuh him alltwo 
onsattify. Ebb’ry time de ’ooman look ’puntop 
me ’e yeye red, en’, ’ez fuh me, Uh yent wantuh 
shum, ’tall. W’en Uh co’t dishyuh ’ooman las’ 
yeah, Uh bin ’tenshun fuh tek’um to Pa Tumbo 
fuh hitch we, but de ’ooman git een ’e head suh 
him wan’ fuh tie’up tight, sukkuh Buckruh, en’ 
’e coax me fuh fetch’um yuh to you, suh, en’ you 
done tie we two dolluh wu’t’. Now, alldo’ Uh 
wu’k so haa’d en’ g’em mos’ ebb’ryt’ing wuh Uh 
mek, seem lukkuh ebb’ryt’ing wuh Uh do mek’um 
bex, en’ him eat ’e bittle w’enebbuh ’e hongry, 


45 


LAGUERRE 


en’ lef’ col’ hom’ny fuh me fuh eat w’en Uh git 
home, en’, Jedge, uh col’-hom’ny ’ooman ent wu’t’. 

“Las’ week Uh binnuh wu’k to Doetuh Grimbull’ 
place duh cut rice, en’ Uh nebbuh come home ’tel 
Sattyday night. W’en Uh git pay’off, Uh buy 
de ’ooman uh callicro frock en’ uh shoesh, en’ one 
Buckruh hat mek out’uh straw, wid two roostuh’ 
fedduh on’um. Attuh Uh walk seb’n mile, en’ 
git home ’bout fus’ daa’k, de ’ooman duh seddown 
een ’e rockin’ chair een de yaa’d, en’ ’e hab one 
fiah fuh smoke san’fly. Uh ax’um wuh ’e got 
fuh eat. ’E say de bittle dey to de fiah. Uh t’row 
de t’ing wuh Uh fetch een ’e lap, en’ w’ile ’e duh 
ontie’um, Uh gone een de house fuh eat. De fiah 
done out een de chimbly, en’ Uh tek de kibbuh off 
de pot, en’ nutt’n’ bin een’um but de staa’t col’ 
hom’ny! Uh gone out de do’. Uh ax’um, ‘ ’Ooman, 
oonuh t’ink man fuh wu’k haa’d to Grimbull’ fuh 
buy callicro frock, en’ shoesh, en’ Buckruh hat 
wid two roostuh’ fedduh on’um, fuh uh good - 
fuh-nutt’n’, debble’ub’uh col’-hom’ny ’ooman wuh 
binnuh seddown ’puntop ’e rockin’ chair eenjurin’ 
de whole week duh do nutt’n’ ?’ De ’ooman suck ’e 
teet’ at me. 

“Uh ax’um ’smattuh ’long’um, mekso him ent 
t’engkful fuh de callicro frock en’ de shoe en’ 
de Buckruh hat wid de two roostuh’ fedduh on’um. 
Him say suh ’e bex ’cause Uh nebbuh fetch’um 
no cawsett, en’ ’e say him bin see uh punkin-skin 


46 


“MORE DEADLY THAN THE MALE ” 


gal to Adam Run deepo, hab one cawsett fuh mek 
’e wais’ stan’ leetle same lukkuh rice pestle, en’ 
’e say suh him want cawsett fuh mek him’own 
stan’ same fashi’n. I tell’um, ‘Yaas, ef da’ yalluh 
gal’ wais' stan lukkuh pestle, you’own stan’ sukkuh 
rice mortar! You fat wid de pyo’ lazy, ’tel you 
greesy! Oonuh t’ink fat ’ooman kin ’queeze dem- 
self lukkuh t’in ’ooman! Cawsett fuh Buckruh, 
en’ town Nigguh. Wuh de debble ricefiel’ Nigguh 
know ’bout cawsett? Dem oughtuh t’engkful 
fuh grapewine fuh wrop ’roun’ dem wais’ fuh hice 
dem ’coat up out de jew en’ t’ing w’en dem walk 
duh paat’! Oonuh wais’ stan’ sukkuh yo’ maamy’ 
own, en’ him’own stan’ sukkuh gunjuh barril!’ 

“W’en Uh tell’um dat, Jedge, de ’ooman bex 
’tel ’e fool, en’ uh bex ’ooman iz uh debble’ub’uh 
t'ing! ’E yeye red. Him buzzum duh rise en’ 
fall sukkuh grummole swell up de du’t w’en him 
duh bowre t’ru’um. ’E ketch ’e bre’t’ ’tel ’e stan’ 
sukkuh watuh-mokkasin duh swalluh frog. ’E 
dat bex ’e choke! y E cyan ’ talk, t’engk-gawd! 

“W’en Uh shum stan’ so, Uh know suh dat 
’ooman haifuh lick dat night, ’cause nutt’n’ else 
gwine sattify’um. One chinkypen t’icket grow 
close me house, en’ Uh tek me knife out me pocket 
en’ Uh gone een de t’icket, en’ Uh cut two sooply 
switch, en’ Uh name one ‘hom’ny-pot,’ en’ Uh 
name t’odduh one ‘fry’-pan,’ en, Uh mek up me 
min’ suh Uh gwine lick dem two t’ing onduhneet’ 


47 


LAGUERRE 


da’ ’ooman’ skin befo’ Uh tu’n’um loose, ’tel him 
will ’membuh hot bittle long ez ’e lib! Uh feel so 
sattify een me min’, dat Uh didn’ bex no mo’, 
’cause Uh know suh Uh gwine lick dat ’ooman 
’tel Uh sattify’um, en’ Uh know Uh gwine 
bring’um to me han’. Uh know suh de cawsett 
gwine lick out, en’ de t’odduh t’ing gwine lick een 

“Well, did you bring her to your hand?” 

“Jedge, suh, lemme tell you. Uh only bin hab da’ 
’ooman sence las’ yeah, en’ alldo’ ’e mek me bex 
two-t’ree time, Uh nebbuh hab ’cajun fuh lick’um 
befo’, ’tel now. W’en Uh gone back duh yaa’d wid 
de two switch een me han’, de ’ooman duh seddown 
een ’e chair, duh rock, ’e duh rock. Uh tell’um, 
‘ ’Tan’up, gal’ ’E ’tan’up, ’traight. Uh tell’um, 
‘Drap yo’ ’coat.’ ’E hab on one deseyuh Balmuhral 
sku’t, dem call’um, mek out’uh one grey clawt’ 
wid some red stripe run ’roun’ de bottom. ’E 
drap him, en’ ’e step out, en’ ’e yent hab on nutt’n’ 
but ’e shimmy. ’E ax me ef ’e mus’ tek him off. 
Uh tell’um ‘No ’cajun fuh do dat, ’cause deseyuh 
chinkypen kin cut t’ru’um,’ but Uh glad fuh 
yeddy’um talk saaf’ly, ’cause den Uh know Uh 
gwine bring’um to me han’.” 

“Well, did you bring her to your hand?” 

“Jedge, suh, Uh yent done tell you. Uh tell’um, 
‘Dishyuh chinkypen name “hom’ny-pot,” en’ t’ar- 
ruh one name “fry’-pan.” Uh gwine lick dese two 
t’ing een yo’ ’membunce ’tel you nebbuh lef’ me 


48 


“MORE DEADLY THAN THE MALE” 


fuh eat col’ hom'ny 'gen, no mo’.’ Den Uh tek 
hom'ny-pot en' Uh come down on 'e hanch, 
4 chaow /' De t'ing sweet'n'um so, 'tel 'e jump 
off de groun' same lukkuh 'e duh jump rope; but, 
Jedge, w'en 'e light, 'e nebbuh light 'puntop no 
groun'! ’E light ’ puntop’uh me, en' 'e light sukkuh 
wil'cat, wid 'e claw en' 'e teet', alltwo! 

“Jedge, de 'ooman so 'ceitful! All de time Uh 
t'aw't 'e bin tek off 'e 'coat fuh 'blige me, so Uh kin 
lick'um cunweenyunt, but, Jedge, 'e strip 'eself 
out'uh de pyo’ schemy, so 'e kin fight wid nutt’n' 
fuh hampuhr'um. Da’ 'ooman light 'puntop me so 
swif', en' 'e 'taguhnize me so rappit, Uh yent hab 
time fuh ketch me bre’t'. Fus' t’ing, 'e graff hom- 
'ny-pot en' fry’-pan een 'e han' en' bruk alltwo de 
switch. Den 'e ketch alltwo me yez een 'e two han', 
en' 'e butt me duh nose, en' mek’um bleed same 
lukkuh hog kill! 'E wrop 'e two foot 'roun' my'own 
en' 'e t'row me duh groun', ‘him!’ W’en da' fat 
'ooman wuh try fuh mek 'e wais’ stan' lukkuh rice 
pestle fall 'puntop me, Jedge, ’e hebby sukkuh 
harricane tree! 'E t'row me same lukkuh oonuh 
t’row cow fuh bran'um en' maa’k 'e yez; en' 
him maa'k my'own, too, 'cause 'e mos' bite off 
de lef’ han’ yez, 'tel 'e pit swalluh-fawk een'um. 
Den 'e biggin fuh 'cratch out me two eye. Uh 
shet'um tight, fuh sabe'um, en' Uh try fuh tu'n 
obuh fuh git me yeye close de du't, but da' 
debble’ub’uh col'-hom’ny 'ooman seddown 'pun- 


49 


LAGUERRE 


top me same lukkuh dem chillun deadfall drap 
’puntop’uh sparruh duh stackyaa’d, en’ all de 
time ’e duh fight ’e nebbuh crack ’e teet’, en’ da’ 
duh de t’ing mek me ’f’aid’um so! W’en dem 
t’odduh Nigguh een Nigguh-house-yaa’d pull’um 
off me, Uh mos’ ready fuh dead. Me yeye en’ 
me nose en’ me yez, stan’ same lukkuh you shum, 
en’ Uh kacely able fuh walk. Uh gone to me 
bredduh’ house fuh sleep las’ night, ’cause Uh 
yent gwine sleep een no house ’long no shishuh 
’ooman ’gen, long ez Uh lib, Jedge, en’ please, 
suh, fuh suffuhrate we en’ ontwis’ we, so me nuh 
him kin paa’t. De Scriptuh say suh man ent 
fuh dead mo’nuh one time, but, Jedge, w’en da’ 
’ooman bin ’puntop me, Uh dead /o’ time, one de 
time w’en ’e butt me nose, ’nodduh time w’en ’e 
bite me yez, en’ de two t’odduh time w’en ’e bin- 
nuh ’cratch out me two eye.” 

“Don’t you know that the Scriptures also say 
'whom God hath joined together let no man put 
asunder’?” asked Laguerre, quizzically. 

“Jedge, suh, Gawd nebbuh jine me en’ da’ 
’ooman! Duh you jine we fuh two dolluh, en’ ’e 
mus’ be de debble pit de t’unduh een’um. Jedge, 
ef oonuh cyan’ ontie me frum da’ ’ooman en’ 
tu’n me loose, Uh gwine fudduh ez Uh kin! Uh 
gwine New Yawk! Ef dem Nyankee sell me, 
Uh dunkyuh! Ef Uh kin git me bredduh fuh go 


50 


“MORE DEADLY THAN THE MALE” 

een me house en’ git me clo’es, Uh nebbuh stop 
’tel Uh done cross Stono ribbuh! ,, 

“Wait,” and Laguerre rose and went within, 
returning in a few minutes with writing materials 
and a replenished glass. Filling out a sheet of 
foolscap with a strongly worded admonition to 
Mimer enjoining good behavior, he pasted upon 
it an impressive red seal and, handing it to Chris¬ 
topher, said: “This will protect you. Hold it 
in your hand when you enter your house, and she 
will not dare to interfere with you.” 

“T’engky, Jedge. Uh berry glad fuh tote dis 
t’ing fuh mek dem t’odduh Nigguh t’ink suh me 
duh counstubble, but Uh nebbuh gwine een me 
house no mo’ bidout Uh got axe een me han’. 
Well, good ebenin’, suh. Uh gone now, but, Jedge, 
Uh keep on study 'pun how da' ’ooman fool me! 
’E so schemy. W’en ’e drap ’e ’coat en’ stan’ dey 
een ’e shimmy, ’e mek me b’leebe suh ’e gwine tek 
e’ lick so peaceubble, en’ all de time him dat ’ceit- 
ful, him jis’ bin strip fuh fight!” 

“According to the sonnets, Christopher,” ob¬ 
served Laguerre, as he buried his nose in the 
mint, ‘the wiles that in the women are,’ their 
most intimate acquaintance of the masculine 
gender ‘shall not know.’ ” 

“Yaas, suh, da’ duh him!” 


51 


“CLEVER ALICE” 


Out of a book of German fairy-tales comes the 
story of “Clever Alice,” a bumptious maiden of 
the Fatherland, standing, with none too “reluc¬ 
tant feet, where the brook and river meet.” 

Clever Alice, one supposes, was of an embon¬ 
point not unusual in the land of malt and hops, 
wherein the brook and river of budding woman¬ 
hood meet with rather more facility than the 
buckle and tongue about the belted waistline of 
the bud! 

One evening, as the story goes, Clever Alice 
was bidden by her parents to go the cellar in, 
and draw some ale to allay the parental thirst. 
A dutiful daughter, with doubtless a thirst of her 
own, she took, the kitchen shelf from, a great 
pewter tankard, and went below stairs, set her 
candlestick on the stone floor, drew a low stool 
before the huge cask, sat down in the cushioned 
luxury possible only to German maedchen of an 
embonpoint, placed the flagon the spigot under 
and turned the tap. 

The cask was full and the ale was new, so, 
until the bubbles should have spent themselves, 
somewhat, the maiden permitted but a tiny 
stream to issue from the tap, and while she waited 
for the slow filling of the tankard, she looked 
about her. Glancing upward, Clever Alice saw 


53 


LAGUERRE 


just above her head, a heavy hammer suspended 
by a thong from a nail driven into a beam in the 
ceiling. With her mother instinct, her soul was 
straightway filled with apprehension. “Ach, 
Gott,” she cried: “Suppose, some day, I have a 
little son, and send him in der cellar down to 
draw ale, and suppose my little son should sit 
where I now sit, and suppose by then, the nail 
should become rusted and fall out, or suppose 
the thong, become old, should break, and the ham¬ 
mer should drop on my little son’s head and kill 
him! Ach, mein Gott, mein Gott! What shall 
I do, what shall I do?” And, putting her apron 
to her eyes, Clever Alice wept! 

But a quick thought dried her tears. A hus¬ 
band ! A father for her little son! She had not 
thought of that! And now her thoughts moved 
in the orderly precession of the equinoxes, can¬ 
vassing, with the slow precision of the German 
mind, her marital aspirations in the order of 
their desirability. Not the individual men! No 
primitive idea of natural selection found lodg¬ 
ment in the sophisticated mind of a well-ordered 
young German person. Ach, no! Clever Alice 
thought in terms of position! As first choice for 
husband, and father of her little son, her mind 
soared to the dizzy height of a Sub-lieutenant! 
Ach, if the so good God would bless her marriage 
bed with an officer of the Kaiser! Then, as Frau 


54 


“CLEVER ALICE” 


Sub-lieutenant, she would take precedence over 
Frau Tax-collector, Frau Professor, Frau Mer¬ 
chant, and on down the line to Frau Undertaker, 
at the very bottom of the sofa! What a happi¬ 
ness, at all the social gatherings in the village to 
sit at the upper end of the sofa and queen it 
over all the other Fraus in the community! But 
if the God so good denied her the Sub-lieutenant 
so exalted, perhaps He would graciously send a 
town clerk, or even a Herr Professor, her way. 
As Frau Professor she could do very well. Very 
well indeed, and be sure at least of a position on 
the upper half of the sofa! But, if it pleased 
the good God, who always knew best, to commit 
her to the arms of a husband of lowly station, 
according to the social standards of the Father- 
land, then, His will be done! And, at the worst, 
a husband was a husband, and a potential father 
for her little son. Her little son! Ach, Gott! she 
had forgotten her little Nordic son, who might 
some day be sitting—just where she now sat so 
capably—a heavy hammer, hanging by a rotting 
thong from a rusty nail right over his poor little 
dolicho cephalic skull! In her agony the sluices 
were again opened and her tears fell to the floor. 
And as they fell, they mingled with the ale that, 
having overflowed the flagon, now flooded the 
floor of the cellar. 

Meanwhile as the tides of malt and brine rose 


55 


LAGUERRE 


higher and higher over the flags of the cellar, the 
thirsty parents whom Clever Alice had left up¬ 
stairs, becoming troubled at the long absence of 
their cup-bearer, descended into the cool depths 
to investigate. Here they found Niobe, with her 
apron to her eyes, sobbing passionately! “Oh,” 
she said, when her anxious mother demanded the 
cause of her grief, “Suppose some day I have a 
little son and send him down in the cellar to draw 
ale, and he should sit just where I am now sitting 
to draw the ale, and that hammer hanging up 
there should fall on my little son’s head and kill 
him! Oh, what shall I do? What shall I do?” 
And her sympathetic parents wailed and blub¬ 
bered with her, while the ale gurgled rhythmically 
from the tap and ran away into the distant rat- 
holes of the cellar, arousing their occupants to 
squeaking protest. 

Not until the guttural “glug-glug” of the liquid 
changed suddenly to a hollow gasp, like the chok¬ 
ing sob of a dying man, did the parents of Clever 
Alice realize that another and more imminent 
tragedy was before them, for the great cask was 
empty, while their little grandson, for whose 
safety they had trembled; their little grandson— 
the dreamship of their daughter’s hopes—was 
not yet in the offing! 

The cask was empty, but the flagon, at least, 
was full, so a drop of comfort remained! The 


56 


“CLEVER ALICE ” 


Frau took it tenderly in her arms and, followed 
by her husband and daughter, slowly went the 
stairs up—and of this story out. 


A far cry from Thuringia to Toogoodoo; but 
when, on a sultry September morning, Laguerre 
drove up to his woodland temple of justice, 
alighted from the buckboard and threw the lines 
to old Scipio, he found awaiting him an ebony 
counterpart of the heroine of the German fairy 
tale! 

Alice Middleton, daughter by an early mar¬ 
riage of the Reverend Tumbo Middleton, of 
Slann’s Island, was born to trouble as the sparks 
fly upward, and if trouble, abashed, but peeped 
hesitantly over the rim of the horizon and showed 
a disposition to come her way, Alice, good hospi¬ 
table soul, always set out exultantly to meet the 
visitor and offer the freedom of her house and 
of her heart. 

Alice Middleton was black; not the rusty black 
of old iron, nor yet the lifeless black of charcoal, 
but the glossy shade of deep-sea waters under 
stormy clouds—known on Slann’s Island as black- 
snake-black, in Laguerre’s day, but chromatically 
softened in fashionable circles a generation later 
into “midnight-blue!” 

And out of the midnight that whelmed Alice, 
the china-whites of her round, unwinking eyes 


57 



LAGUERRE 


shone forth as the lamps of Charon's craft might 
have pierced the awful shadows of the Styx! 

Laguerre seated himself behind the great box, 
opened the huge Revised Statutes, thumped heav¬ 
ily with his red hatchet, and with “Oh, yaas! 
Oh, yaas! Oh, yaas!" Cudjo, the tipstaff, called 
the court to order. 

Other dusky folk clustered about the court 
awaiting the untangling of the several snarled 
skeins they had brought to the Law; but Alice 
would not be denied, and, shouldering her way 
through the crowd, she stopped in front of La¬ 
guerre and fixed him with her eye. Indicating 
with a contemptuous elbow a stolid young Ne¬ 
gro who had followed in her wake, she dropped 
a low and deferential curtsy and commenced to 
unwind her ball of yarn. 

“Jedge, dishyuh Nigguh, name’ Cephas, mek 
baa'gin fuh hab me fuh wife. W'en him ax me 
Uh tell’um yaas, 'cause Uh ready fuh hab hus- 
bun' en' t’ing, en’ da' 'ooman Pa hab fuh wife 
me en' him cyan’ git 'long none’tall, en' Uh glad 
fuh git'way frum de 'ooman, 'cause you know, 
Jedge, ef yo' Pa hab 'ooman fuh wife en' de 
'ooman—" 

“Shut up! Go on with your story." 

“Yaas, suh. So w'en de Nigguh ax me Uh 
tell’um yaas, 'cause Uh ready fuh hab husbun’ 
en' t'ing, en’ da' 'ooman Pa hab fuh wife me en’ 


58 


“CLEVER ALICE ” 


him cyan’ git 'long none’tall, en’ Uh glad fuh 
git’way frum de ’ooman ’cause you know, Jedge, 
ef—” 

“Confound your Pa and his ‘ ’ooman’!” 

“Yaas, suh, Jedge; dishyuh Nigguh, name’ 
Cephas, mek baa’gin fuh hab me fuh wife. W’en 
him ax me Uh tell’um yaas, ’cause Uh ready fuh 
hab husbun’ en’ t’ing, en’ da’ ’ooman Pa hab fuh 
wife me en’ him cyan’ git ’long none’tall, en’ Uh 
glad fuh git’way frum de ’ooman, ’cause you 
know, suh—” 

“Stop!” cried Laguerre, as a violent thwack 
of his red hatchet added emphasis to the order. 
“Muzzle her,” he commanded Cud jo, the tipstaff. 
“If she says 4 ’ooman’ again tie a grapevine over 
her mouth, and muzzle her! Now, go on,” he 
said to Alice, “and be devilish careful how you 
go!” 

“Yaas, suh, Jedge; dishyuh Nigguh, name’ 
Cephas, mek baa’gin fuh hab me fuh wife. W’en 
him ax me Uh tell’um yaas, ’cause Uh ready fuh 
hab husbun’ en t’ing, en’ da’ lady Pa hab—” 

“Lady!” stormed Laguerre, “lady! How dare 
you use such language to my face?” 

“Jedge, him iz Pa lawfully lady wuh him hab 
fuh ’e reg’luh wife.” 

“Regular or irregular, lawfully or unlawfully, 
what the devil do I care about your Pa’s con¬ 
founded marital relations! But whatever they 


59 


LAGUERRE 


are, tho’ they be as unnumbered as a flock of 
blackbirds, never dare to speak of a Toogoodoo 
pluff-mud Gullah as ‘lady’ to my face again! 
Now, go on.” 

“Yaas, suh, Jedge; dishyuh Nigguh, name’ 
Cephas, mek baa’gin fuh hab me fuh wife. W’en 
him ax me, Uh tell’um yaas, ’cause Uh ready fuh 
hab husbun’ en’ t’ing, en’ da’ somebody Pa hab 
fuh wife me en’ him cyan’ git ’long none’tall, en’ 
Uh glad fuh git’way frum de somebody Pa hab 
fuh wife, so Uh tell de Nigguh yaas, en’ den de 
Nigguh mek baa’gin fuh hab me fuh wife, but 
befo’ de baa’gin filfil me en’ him fall out, en’ 
we nebbuh git hitch, en’ me en’ him git een shishuh 
hebby ’tangl ement ’tel Uh fetch’um yuh so you kin 
tell’um him iz fool, Jedge, ’cause Uh done tell’um 
’tel Uh w’ary, en’ de Nigguh so haa’dhead ’e 
yent b’leebe me w’en Uh tell’um!” 

“An inexcusably unreceptive individual.” 

“Yaas, suh. Da’ w’at Uh tell’um. Uh ’cuze- 
’um en’ ’buze’um alltwo, but ’e dat stubbunt, ’e 
shet ’e yez en’ ’e nebbuh yeddy me.” 

“Well, why didn’t Cephas ‘filfil’ his contract? 
What did you fall out about?” 

“Chillun, suh.” 

“ ‘Chillun’! Whose ‘chillun’ ?” 

“We’own, suh.” 

“ ‘We’own’!” 

“Yaas, suh. Him’own en’ my’own.” 


60 


CLEVER ALICE” 


“What!” thundered Laguerre. “Have you had 
the audacity to increase the black population of 
Adams Run township, St. Paul's Parish, without 
having previously invoked the sanction of your 
church—such as it is—or of the magisterial 
authority invested in me under the statutes made 
and provided?” 

“Suh!” 

“What the devil do you mean by having chil¬ 
dren within my jurisdiction without having 
either divine or temporal authority?” 

“Jedge, suh, me en' da' Nigguh nebbuh bin hab 
no chillun, needuhso no 't'oruhty. We jis' bin 
mek plan fuh hab’um—de chillun en' de 't'oruhty, 
alltwo. En', Jedge, da' duh wuh me nuh him 
binnuh 'spute 'bout, 'cause me haffuh hab de 
chillun, enty, suh? En' ef me haffuh hab'um, 
enty de 't'oruhty fuh tie 'puntop de chillun? 
Man ent wv!t ' fuh hab no chillun. Gawd neb¬ 
buh mek'um fuh hab none. All him fuh do iz 
fuh be dem farruh. En' farruh ent nutt'n'! 
Enty 'e stan' so, Jedge?” 

Laguerre, holding rather strongly to the pop¬ 
ular masculine conception of fatherhood, would 
not commit himself, and commanded Alice to 
proceed. 

Alice proceeded. “You see, Jedge, dishyuh 
Nigguh, name' Cephas, mek baa'gin fuh hab me 
fuh wife, en' las' T’ursday ebenin' me en’ him 


61 


LAGUERRE 


staa’t fuh gone to Pa’ house, so him kin tie we. 
Uh yent lib to Pa’ house 'cause da' somebody him 
hab fuh wife me nuh him cyan' git ’long none- 
’tall. Uh lib to me Aunty’ house, da’ wuh mekso 
me en’ da’ Nigguh haffuh gone to Pa’ house, fuh 
git tie.” 

“Well, did you get tied?” 

“No, Jedge, we nebbuh git tie, we nebbuh git 
to Pa’ house, we nebbuh git nutt’n’!—’cep’ bex.” 

“'Bex!”’ mimicked Laguerre, “'Bex!’ What 
the devil did you 'bex’ about?” 

“Jedge, me en’ da’ Nigguh Cephas, wuh mek 
baa’gin fuh hab me fuh wife, me en’ him binnuh 
gwine ’long de road fuh go Slann’ I’lun’, en’ jis’ 
ez we git to da’ low place een de road weh yo’ 
hawss bin balk da’ day munt’ befo’ las’ w’en you 
binnuh cornin’ yuh fuh sprosecute dem ’ooman 
wuh lib to W’aley place, ’cause de ’ooman’ fowl 
en’ t’ing fly obuh de t’odduh ’ooman’ fench en’ 
’cratch’up ’e gyaa’d’n; da’ same low place een de 
road weh yo’ hawss bin balk ’tel ’e foot tie een 
de du’t, ’cause ’e see weh somebody bin kill 
t’unduh snake en’ leff’um een de road, only de 
snake ent bin dead, ’cause, alldo’ de somebody kill- 
’um, Uh yeddy suh t’unduh snake him nebbuh 
dead fuh true-true ’tel t’unduh roll; en’ w’en yo’ 
hawss look ’puntop de snake, ’e ’f’aid de snake, 
da’ de reaz’n w’ymekso ’e balk, en’ same time ’e 


62 


“CLEVER ALICE” 


balk, you jump out de buggy, en’ ketch de hawss’ 
yez een yo’ teet\ en’ mos’ bite’um off en’—” 

“Stop!’' shouted Laguerre. “Confound the 
woman! If I had a calaboose I’d fine you for 
contempt and lock you up! How dare you say 
‘yez’ to me?” 

“Yaas, suh. W’en me en’ da’ Nigguh, name’ 
Cephas, wuh mek baa’gin fuh hab me fuh wife; 
w’en me en’ de Nigguh git to da' low place een 
de Slann’ I’lun’ road weh yo’ hawss bin balk munt’ 
befo’ las' w’en you binnuh cornin’ yuh fuh spros- 
ecute dem ’ooman wuh lib to W’aley place, ’cause 
de ’ooman’ fowl en’ t’ing fly obuh de t’odduh 
’ooman’ fench en’ ’cratch’up ’e gyaa’d’n—da’ 
same low place een de road weh yo’ hawss bin 
balk ’tel ’e foot tie een de du’t, ’cause ’e see weh 
somebody bin kill t’unduh snake en’ leff’um een 
de road, only de snake ent bin dead, ’cause, alldo’ 
de somebody kill’um, Uh yeddy suh t’unduh 
snake him nebbuh dead fuh true-true ’tel t’unduh 
roll, en’ w’en yo’ hawss look ’puntop de snake, 
’e ’f’aid de snake, da’ de reaz’n w’ymekso ’e balk 
en’ same time ’e balk, you jump out de buggy en’ 
ketch one dem t’ing de hawss hab fuh yeddy wid, 
een you teet’, en’ mos’ bite’um—” 

Laguerre shot up from his seat as suddenly as 
if impelled by the spring of a jumping-jack! 
Too full for sound, but not for foam, he sputtered 
wrathfully, while through his red hatchet he ut- 


63 


LAGUERRE 


tered the thoughts that arose in him: Whack! 
Whack! Whack! Whack!—each blow as full of 
doom as a clod upon a coffin lid: Whack! 
Whack! Whack! Whack!—each stroke a mechan¬ 
ical imprecation! At last he found his voice and 
spoke. 

“Shut—up! Shut—up! Shut — up!” he com¬ 
manded as he saw clever Alice catch her breath 
as if to make a fresh start. “If you dare to say 
‘yez’ or ‘yeddy’ again, Fll make Cudjo bite you! 
Now, go on! M 

Alice, thrice stung, gave one look at the blue 
gums of the grinning tipstaff and began all over 
again, with the intentness of an old hound that, 
going back to the starting point, essays the trail 
once more, while taking thought how to avoid 
the nests of yellow-jackets along the way. 

“Yaas, suh, Jedge, me en’ da' Nigguh Cephas, 
wuh mek baa’gin fuh hab me fuh wife, binnuh 
gwine ’long de Slann’ I’lun’ road, en’ w’en we git 
to da’ place weh yo’ hawss bin balk da’ day munt’ 
befo’ las’ w’en you binnuh cornin’ yuh fuh sprose- 
cute dem ’ooman wuh lib to W’aley place, ’cause 
de ’ooman’ fowl en’ t’ing fly obuh de t’odduh 
’ooman’ fench en’ ’cratch’up ’e gyaa’d’n; da’ same 
low place een de road weh yo’ hawss bin balk ’tel 
’e foot tie een de du’t, ’cause ’e see weh somebody 
bin kill t’unduh snake en’ leff’um een de road, 
only de snake ent bin dead, ’cause, alldo’ de some- 


64 


“CLEVER ALICE ” 


body kiirum, Uh yeddy suh t’unduh snake him 
nebbuh dead fuh true-true 'tel t'unduh roll; en' 
w’en de hawss look ’puntop de snake ’e 'f’aid de 
snake, en’ da' de reaz’n w’ymekso 'e balk, en' 
same time 'e balk you jump out de buggy, en' 
cuss’um 'tel de hawss' foot loose out de du’t en' 'e 
staa't 'gen. 

“Well, suh, Jedge, w'en me en’ da' Nigguh 
Cephas, wuh mek baa'gin fuh hab me fuh wife, 
w’en me en’ him git to da’ low place een de road, 
Uh look onduh me foot een de du’t, en’ de groun’ 
kibbuh wid dem big black bull grape. W’en Uh 
shum, Uh hongry fuh de t’ing ’tel me jaw leak, 
but de grape ripe ’tel, w’en ’e drap, ’e buss’ op’n 
en’ mash’up een de du’t, en' dem ent fitt'n’ fuh 
eat. Den Uh rise me yeye en' look obuh me head, 
en', Jedge, w’en Uh look 'puntop de grapewine 
wuh dem t’ing bin drap off, ’e full wid grape 'tel 
'e black! 

“W’en Uh shum stan’ so, Uh call da’ Nigguh, 
name’ Cephas, wuh mek baa’gin fuh hab me fuh 
wife, en’ Uh tell’um Uh hongry fuh dem grape, 
en’ Uh ax’um fuh climb de tree en' t’row’um 
down fuh me so Uh kin gitt’um fuh eat, but de 
Nigguh treat me berry no-mannusubble. 'E 
suck 'e teet' at me en' 'e say him ent mongkey, 
needuhso 'possum, fuh climb tree fuh shake down 
grape fuh 'ooman. De Nigguh say him too hebby 
fuh climb tree en' swing frum no grapewine, 


65 


LAGUERRE 


'cause ef 'e han’ en’ 'e foot slip, him ent got no 
tail fuh wrop 'roun' de limb fuh sabe ’eself. 

“Uh tell’um yaas, Uh know berry well de tail 
wuh 'e got cyan' specify, 'cause 'e yent w’ut'. Uh 
tell'um Uh wish 'e yiz bin mongkey, den Uh 
wouldn' haffuh hongry fuh grape, ’cause uh man- 
nusubble mongkey woulduh climb' tree fuh git 
grape fuh 'e wife en' t'ing, en' dem wouldn' haf¬ 
fuh baig’um so haa’d. 

“Den 'e say, ef dat de way how me min' stan', 
ef Uh t’ink mongkey stan' high mo'nuh man, 
mekso Uh yent hab mongkey fuh husbun' 'stead- 
'uh Nigguh? Uh tell'um 'e stan’ so fuh true. De 
only reaz'n Uh yent hab'um iz ’cause none ent 
fuh dey 'puntop Slann’ I’lun.’ 'Cause mongkey 
wuh hab tail, en' willin' fuh climb, iz mo saa bis 
to 'ooman den Nigguh wuh yent got no tail mo'¬ 
nuh rabbit, en’ too lazy fuh climb! 

“Jedge, w'en Uh tell'um dat, de Nigguh swell'- 
up wid bex 'tel 'e b'ile obuh. Uh nebbuh say 
nutt’n’ mo' to de Nigguh, Jedge, ’cause Uh done 
say me say, enty, suh?” 

“If you have left anything unsaid,” observed 
Laguerre, quizzically, “the court has not charged 
the omission against you!” 

“Yaas, suh. Attuhw’ile de Nigguh biggin fuh 
cool off, en’ de bex leff'um, en' 'e staa't fuh talk 
peaceubble, same ez ef him nebbuh bin bex, but 
stillyet 'e stubbunt ez cow, en' e' nebbuh climb 


66 


“CLEVER ALICE” 


no tree. Bumbye, ’e cut ’e yeye ’puntop de 
grape wuh duh heng obuh we head, en’ ’e ax me 
ef Uh hasty fuh nyam dem grape. Uh tell’um 
Uh hasty fuh true, ’cause Uh done fuh hongry 
fuh dem grape. Den de Nigguh say suh nyung 
Nigguh kin climb tree mos’ ez good ez mongkey, 
’cause ’e light, en’ ’e nebbuh ’quire no tail fuh 
wrop ’roun’ de limb, so ’e say ef Uh kin wait fuh 
nyam dem grape ’tel some uh we chillun git big 
’nuf fuh climb tree, him kin sen’ ’e oldes’ son fuh 
swawm up da’ grapewine en’ shake down de 
grape, den Uh kin eat ’tel Uh full. 

“Jedge, w’en da’ Nigguh Cephas done talk, 
en’ Uh look obuh me head en’ see how high 
da’ wine swing, en’ how dainjus ’e stan’, me h’aa’t 
rise een me t’roat, en’ w’en Uh try fuh swal- 
luhr’um ’gen, ’e choke me ’tel Uh mos’ strangle! 
Uh say, ‘Nigguh, who’ chile dat you gwine sen’ 
een da’ high place weh nutt’n’ ’cep’ squerril hab 
bidness fuh go? Duh my’own, enty?’ 

“De Nigguh say de chillum fuh be my’own en’ 
him’own, alltwo, ’cause me en’ him, alltwo, fuh 
hab’um. En’ ’e say me kin tek ’t’oruhty obuh de 
gal chillun, but him fuh tek ’t’oruhty obuh de boy 
chillun en’ rule’um, cause him iz man, en’ me duh 
nutt’n’ but ’ooman, en’ ’e say man haffuh dictate 
obuh boy chillun, en’ ’ooman ent fuh hab nutt’n’ 
fuh do wid’um. ’E say him kin sen’ him son fuh 
jump off de tree top, en’ eb’nso ef ’e dead, ’e 


67 


LAGUERRE 


maamy ent got nutt’n’ fuh do wid’um, ’cause de 
boy blonx to ’e farruh. 

“Jedge, w’en de Nigguh talk ’bout dead, me 
h’aa’t en’ me mout’ alltwo full’up ’tel dem alltwo 
run obuh one time! Me ap’un haffuh ketch de 
watuh wuh run out me yeye, but da’ Nigguh yez 
haffuh ketch wuh come out me mout’, enty, suh? 
Uh tell de Nigguh: Wuh you got fuh do wid dem 
chillun me fuh hab? Nutt’n’! Enty me fuh hab 
de boy en’ de gal alltwo? Ef ’e yiz hab, enty me 
fuh hab’um? En’ ef me haffuh hab’um, enty me 
fuh tek ’t’oruhty obuhr’um? Ef you wan’ boy 
fuh climb tree lukkuh squerril, hab’um fuh you’- 
self. Don’ bodduh no ’ooman fuh hab’um fuh 
you! Ef you so smaa’t, budduh, hab’um, hab’um!’ 

“Jedge, w’en Uh gitt’ru empty me mout’, me 
yeye staa’t fuh leak, ’cause Uh look ’puntop dem 
obuhripe grape mash’up een de du’t, en’ Uh study 
’bout da’ po’ leely Nigguh wuh me fuh hab, en’ 
Uh shum een me sperrit weh him drap out de 
tree en’ mash’up een de du’t same lukkuh dem 
grape, en’ Uh see de grape’ skin duh bleed, en’ 
Uh see de leely Nigguh duh bleed, en’ me h’aa’t 
so hebby Uh roll obuh een de road fuh leh de 
watuh run out me two eye! Uh tell de Nigguh 
Uh yent wan’ no chillun! Ef me po’ leely chillun 
haffuh dead en’ bleed lukkuh dat, Uh nebbuh yiz 
fuh hab none!—En’ Uh yent fuh hab nutt’n’ fuh 
do wid no man, needuh!” 


68 


“CLEVER ALICE” 


“A very proper afterthought, a very wise pre¬ 
caution,” remarked the Court quizzically. “And 
now, what do you want me to do?” 

“Please, suh, Jedge, tell dishyuh Nigguh 
Cephas him iz fool.” 

“Take ‘dishyuh Nigguh Cephas’ and go to the 
devil,” shouted Laguerre. “Stop! Fetch him here 
to me next Saturday.” 


69 


“THE MAN IN THE CASE” 


Mid-September with its burning suns and 
heavy dews. Late corn in wide fields and nar¬ 
row patches had been stripped of its blades, and 
the bundles of greenish-gold fodder, slowly cur¬ 
ing on the “topped” cornstalks upon which they 
were impaled, filled the heavy air with the fra¬ 
grance of new-mown hay, but, withal, an added 
acrid tang that brought to sensitive nostrils a 
sneezy suggestion of hayfever. 

Crows flapped slowly over the ripening fields, 
flying straight, though turning inquisitive heads 
from side to side to spy out the land and appraise 
the promise of the harvest. And as they flew 
they uttered the contented “aH’s-well-with-the- 
world” note with which they always welcome the 
autumn. Circling over the marshes, their con¬ 
geners the fish-crows, intent upon fiddler-crabs, 
drawled their double notes raucously: “caw-aw, 
caw-aw,” with a flat Low-country—almost a 
Gullah—intonation. In the live-oaks, blue jays, 
yet other feathered kindred, scolded and chat¬ 
tered in the sharper, livelier tones their voices 
take in the fall, as if they were counting over the 
acorns they would presently cache for the win¬ 
ter’s store. 

In the wide angles of the fence corners tall 
stalks of goldenrod supported lovely drooping 


71 


LAGUERRE 


heads, among whose heavy, honey-laden blooms 
bees swarmed and droned. In other crooked 
corners, clumps of sumac slowly changed from 
green to bronze and red; leaves and berries, near¬ 
ing life’s winter together, as a loving couple, 
growing old, walk hand in hand toward the sun¬ 
set. 

The open broomgrass fields, changing to darker 
shades of green as the summer passed, now 
faintly blushed in sea-shell tints of pink that 
would deepen as the season advanced, until the 
coming of ice would chill the ruddy sap of life, 
and its beauty would vanish in a night, leaving 
the tawny straw to a slow and wasting death— 
bundled into primitive brooms to sweep the 
rough floors of lowly cabins, or to go up in smoke, 
swiftly and gloriously, in the fires that some¬ 
times sweep in rolling billows of flame, across 
fields of tinder. But winter with its brooms and 
fires was yet far away, and now, at the thresh¬ 
old of autumn, the wine of life still throbbed in 
every blade of grass. 

And the edges of myrtle thickets and briar- 
patches, the paths and roads that traversed fields 
and open spaces were broidered with the soft 
purple “petticoat-grass” so called because of its 
affinity for ladies’ petticoats in the mid-Victorian 
days when ladies wore them. In the icy grasp of 
winter these, too, would presently be as grass cut 


72 



ADA MS RUN VILLAGE SCENE. 







































































































“THE MAN IN THE CASE” 


down and withered, and the winds of March 
would send them whirling down the open roads, 
or dancing across the plowed fields as lightly as 
dandelion seeds on silken wings. But fairy 
flights were for their wild and reckless age. 
Deep-rooted, now they clung to the soil with the 
passionate ardor of youth all through the burn¬ 
ing days from sunrise, when, drenched with dew, 
the purple clusters glistened like amethysts 
strewn along the way, to nightfall, when, through 
the veil of the dusk, dim violet eyes, like those of 
cloistered houris, peered out of the shadows! 

The pinelands, too, were full of loveliness. 
The forest floor was flower-flecked with the 
opulent yellow and purple blooms of autumn, as 
if Nature, about to die, lavishly set forth her 
bier! The pygmy oak scrub that clustered thick 
among the pines, showed here and there a ruddy 
leaf—a wound, a clot of blood, where soon, under 
the sharp knife of the frost to come, the woods 
would bleed as in a shambles! 

The glossy blue-black pods of partridge-peas 
were ripened now, and rattled at the touch; and 
those who walked the pinelands were often 
halted, as their feet set off the alarm for which 
all who traverse Low-country forests must ever 
listen apprehensively. The faint rattle of the 
partridge-peas at his feet has brought many a 
bare-foot boy “up standing,” poised for a spring, 


73 


LAGUERRE 


while he listened for the further warning of the 
diamond-back, always so hard to locate. 

In the swamps, the feathery foliage of the 
cypress slowly changed to the yellow tints of 
autumn, and the leaves of the tupelos reddened, 
while their berries deepened from green to pur¬ 
ple, with the rich bloom of ripe damson plums. 
Here in December, the robins, wintering in Low- 
country forests, would feast, “far from the mad¬ 
ding crowd’s ignoble strife,” far, too, from the 
deadly guns of the thoughtless and the ignorant, 
whites and blacks, that would offer them “South¬ 
ern hospitality” when, in the late winter, they 
would cluster thick among the shrubbery around 
the settlements, their ruddy breasts glowing like 
the dimmed lamps of Christmas-trees as they 
flecked the dark foliage of cedar and wild-orange. 
Here, too, they would feast, but, like Belshaz¬ 
zar’s, a feast of death! 

But in Laguerre’s day robins were still thick 
in the swamps, and often they came down as 
early as October, upon which the local weather- 
prophets invariably predicted an early and a se¬ 
vere winter. When their prophecies were veri¬ 
fied, the prophets hugged themselves, preened 
their prophetic feathers, and shivered happily all 
through the winter, until spring warmed the world 
again. If, despite the prophecies, Nature had 
her way, and the winters were mild, the prophets 


74 


“THE MAN IN THE CASE” 


went into winter quarters, dumb. For that man 
is rare indeed who loves truth enough to con¬ 
fess a fault, or admit an error of judgment! 

Under the ardent sun, the gray-green marshes 
became more gray than green, with here and 
there a touch of yellow light like that which rests 
upon wide fields of ripening grain. But only a 
touch, for the marshes, whatever the season, 
always show, however dull, the green of life, of 
hope! 

The early rice on the great plantations had all 
been cut and stacked, and the rice-birds, first 
fattening themselves on the milky, unripe grain, 
had tithed their flocks to fatten the planters and 
their epicurean friends in “the City”, and now 
moved on in leisurely flight to their winter quar¬ 
ters in the far South. 

Laguerre inclined to materialism. The blue 
September haze meant less to him than the fra¬ 
grant incense that rose from his richly colored 
meerschaum. The faint “tweet, tweet” of rice- 
birds, passing over in the night, brought not 
poetic thoughts of the pathetic little migrants, 
guided through the pathless dark to distant un¬ 
known lands under the magic and the mystery 
of an unseen hand—but regrets that for nearly 
a twelvemonth his table would lack the rice- 
bird-rice pilaus his palate so approved. 

The broad marshes, sweeping to meet the sky; 


75 


LAGUERRE 


the rimpling river winding through them to the 
sea, told him nothing of the flowing tides that rise 
and fall as the heart of Nature throbs in all the 
oceans, near and far. He only hoped the plan¬ 
tation boys would not forget to catch the crabs, 
and that at low water in the evening old Scipio 
would remember to “cast” in the creek for mullet 
and shrimp. And if the beauty of the purple 
petticoat-grass fed for a moment the roving lust 
of the eye, the ear of his mind quickly caught the 
whisper of starched cambric, for petticoats were 
petticoats, while grass was only grass! 

So Laguerre fared forth to his outdoor Court¬ 
room, a little glade in the pine forest not far from 
Toogoodoo bridge, whither he had commanded 
Alice Middleton to appear in her own proper per¬ 
son, fetching with her “dishyuh Nigguh Cephas,” 
a dusky swain who had bargained to take her to 
wife. Before the promise had ripened into ful¬ 
filment, however, the minds of Alice and Cephas 
had clashed in respect to the authority each of 
them should exercise over the children they pur¬ 
posed having, according to the laws of Nature 
made and provided. Cephas, yielding the pros¬ 
pective girl children to Alice, staked out in ad¬ 
vance his claim to all the boys that should come 
their way; but Alice, having strong matriarchal 
convictions, insisted that she who bore the chil¬ 
dren should have dominion over them, and held 


76 


THE MAN IN THE CASE” 


that man's part in the scheme of life was but a 
minor and perfunctory one, at best. Having 
called Cephas a fool, Alice, complaining that the 
stubborn creature wouldn't take her word for it, 
had brought him to Laguerre on the preceding 
Saturday for a ruling, but the Court, not caring 
to give a “horseback" opinion on so momentous 
a matter, had bidden the disputants hold their 
peace for seven days and attend him here. 

The twain were waiting when Laguerre drove 
up, and with them many neighbors, men and 
women, who had come to see the fun, for laugh¬ 
ter was always on tap at these weekly sessions 
of the Sylvan Court. 

Cud jo Hawlback, Laguerre's constable and tip- 
staff, raised his raucous voice; his flat Gullah 
“Oh, yaas, oh, yaas, oh, yaas!" echoed through the 
pineland and convened the Court. 

Laguerre was in a rollicking humor, and, lov¬ 
ing the sound of his own voice, prepared to en¬ 
joy himself as only a lone and loquacious Aryan 
can among half a hundred blacks, all of them 
hanging upon his words, and none of them daring 
to dispute him. 

Whacking his red hatchet vigorously to com¬ 
mand order where all was already as orderly as a 
Quaker meeting, he looked fiercely at Clever 
Alice, who stood in the front row, poised for 
speech, with Cephas in a telepathic leash, at heel. 


77 


LAGUERRE 


“Well,” the Court demanded: “Have you and 
'dishyuh Nigguh Cephas* reached an amicable 
adjustment of your differences?” 

“Suh?” 

“During your seven days of mutual medita¬ 
tion, have your minds met in respect to bull- 
grapes, children and monkeys? In short, is his 
mind now 'on all fours' with yours?” 

“Jedge, da' Nigguh Cephas' min’ dey pun all 
fo’ 'e foot fuh true, 'cause 'e stubbunt ez mule 
en’ cow, alltwo one time, en’ 'e nebbuh climb no 
tree. Uh talk to de Nigguh 'tel me jaw w’ary, 
en' stillyet 'e min' jam all fo’ uh 'e foot een de 
du’t en’ back 'e yez en’ heng back. Me mout' 
cyan' moobe’um out 'e track, 'cause 'e min' balk 
sukkuh yo’ hawss bin balk da' time munt’ befo' 
las’ w’en you binnuh cornin' yuh fuh sprosecute 
dem 'ooman wuh lib to W'aley 'cause de 'ooman' 
fowl fly obuh de t'odduh 'ooman' fench en' 'cratch'- 
up 'e gyaa’d'n; en' de hawss balk 'cause w'en 'e 
get to da' low place een de Slann’ I’lun' road weh 
somebody bin kill t'unduh-snake, only de snake 
ent bin dead fuh true-true, 'cause Uh yeddy suh, 
Uh dunkyuh how dead you kill'um, t'unduh- 
snake—” 

“Go to thunder with your 't’unduh-snake'—. 
dead or alive!” shouted Laguerre. “And the 
next time you say a word about my horse balk¬ 
ing ; the next time I hear 'sprosecute dem 'ooman 


78 


“THE MAN IN THE CASE” 


wuh lib W’aley’, I’ll make Cud jo build a pen and 
lock you up! Stop! You’ve talked enough. 
Let’s see what this downtrodden masculine worm 
has to say for himself. Stand forth, Cephas!” 

Cephas stood forth, hesitantly, while Alice put 
her arms akimbo and regarded him contemp¬ 
tuously, as one who would presently, under the 
mandate of the Court, usurp her precious privi¬ 
lege of speech! 

“Well, what have you to say for yourself? 
Why the devil don’t you say it?” Laguerre de¬ 
manded, while Cephas twisted his battered wool 
hat in nervous hands and licked his dry and re¬ 
luctant lips. “Are you dumb?” 

“Jedge, suh, me mout’ dead, fuh true, ’cause 
Uh nebbuh git chance fuh nyuze’um none’tall, 
eb’nso fuh crack me teet’, sence you tu’n we loose 
yuh las’ Sattyday. En’ me mout’ done dry’up! 
See how ’e stan’, suh? Uh yent got nutt’n’ but 
yez! 

“Jedge, sence you tu’n da’ gal loose ’puntop me, 
en’ tell’um fuh ’suade me fuh gone him way, Uh 
nebbuh bin hab no peace! Me yez bin full’up 
wid chillun en’ grape en’ mongkey, ’tel Uh dream 
’bout’um! Ebb’ry night w’ile Uh duh sleep dem 
t’ree t’ing tangle’up een me dream, ’tel Uh cyan’ 
suffuhrate’um! Fus’, Uh see de grape ’pun de 
wine, en’ de mongkey een de tree, en’ de chillun 
’pun de groun’. Den, attuhw’ile, de chillun dey 


79 


LAGUERRE 


’puntop de wine, de grape dey een de tree, en’ de 
mongkey dey ’pun de groun’. Bumbye, grape 
dey ’pun de groun’, mongkey ’pun de wine, en’ 
chillun een de tree! Fus’ t’ing you know, w’en 
’e change, ’gen, de wine duh choke de chillun, de 
tree duh try fuh root ’eself up out de du’t, en’ de 
grape duh bite de mongkey een ’e yez! Jedge, 
suh, dat how da’ gal’ mout’ mek shishuh cunfush- 
un een me min’! ’E twis’ me up tummuch! 

“En’ ebb’ry time ’e stop fuh ketch ’e bre’t’, ef 
’e see me staa’t fuh crack me teet’ fuh ’spute’um, 
him bruk een ’gen, en’ tell me you say him fuh 
talk’um out, en’ ’e nebbuh ’low me fuh say 
nutt’n!” 

“You seem to be doing pretty well now,” said 
the Court. 

“Yaas, suh, Jedge, dis bin de fus’ chance Uh 
bin hab, en’ me jaw jis’ biggin fuh git limbuh 
good. Las’ night, suh, da’ gal staa’t fuh talk 
soon ez sundown come. Me en’ him binnuh sed- 
down ’pun de step to ’e Aunty’ house. De gal 
nebbuh eeb’n ax me fuh eat! Uh hongry ’tel me 
belly nyaw me sukkuh squerril nyaw hick’rynot! 
De gal him full’up wid wu’d ’tel him nebbuh seem 
fuh hongry none’tall! Him hab wu’d een ’e mout’ 
same lukkuh him bin hab watuh een piggin, en’ 
same fashi’n him por’um een alltwo me yez, one 
time! Me yez full ’tel dem run obuh, but de gal 
nebbuh stop! Soon ez ’e empty ’e mout’, de wu’d 


80 


“THE MAN IN THE CASE” 


fulFum up 'gen, en’ soon ez ’e full’up, him 
t’row’um ’puntop me! 

“Jedge, w’en da' gal fus’ biggin fuh talk las' 
night, de sun yent bin down good. Bumbye, 
w’en de sun gone ’e lef’ de gal duh talk behine’um, 
en’ same time ’e lef’ ’bout half de moon duh ride 
high een de element. Attuhw’ile, de gal’ Aunty, 
him yez git w’ary, en’ ’e gone een ’e house fuh 
sleep. Attuh him gone nutt’n’ dey dey fuh 
yeddy’um ’cep’ me en’ da’ moon’, en’ Uh glad fuh 
shum een de sky, ’cause, alldo’ ’e stan’ fudduh, 
him is sawt’uh cump’ny fuh me, ’cause him 
haffuh yeddy de gal too, enty, suh? Berry well. 

“Jedge, Uh dunno wuh kind’uh yez da’ moon 
got, but attuhw’ile seem lukkuh him yez fuh full’- 
up sukkuh my’own. Him do berry well at de 
fus’, but attuh two hour done pass, Uh shum 
stoop ’e head, en’ ’e seem ez ef him duh mek plan 
fuh sneak down da’ sky easy ez ’e kin, en’ creep 
off to ’e res’ en’ lef’ me fuh yeddy da’ t’ing by 
meself wid nobody fuh keep me cump’ny. Me 
h’aa’t hebby, but Uh cyan’ do nutt’n’, so Uh 
haffuh tek’um ez ’e come—en’ ’e come fas’! 
Jedge, suh, Uh nebbuh know summuch bull-grape, 
en’ mongkey, en’ Nigguh chillun bin een de New- 
nited State lukkuh Uh bin yeddy ’bout las’ night! 

“De moon creep down de sky. ’E creep, creep, 
berry slow, but ’e duh gwine, enty, suh? W’en 
’e come to de tree top, seem ez ef him pick ’e 


81 


LAGUERRE 


chance fuh dodge, en’ ’e drap behine de tree, 
quick, en’ ’e git’way frum de ’ooman en’ gone! 
Ebb’ry now en’ den Uh shum peep t’ru de tree 
fuh watch, but ’e nebbuh shine fuh true-true no 
mo’. Jis’ befo’ ’e gone ’e peep out at me one mo’ 
time, lukkuh him duh say, ‘So long, Budduh. Uh 
sorry fuh lef’ you, but man haffuh ’fen’ fuh ’eself, 
you know. Uh gwine now, en’ you haffuh yeddy’- 
um fuh you’self, you, one—en’ you Gawd.’ En’ 
de night swalluhr’um up! 

“Jedge, you t’ink de daa’k mek da’ ’ooman slow 
’e mout’? ’E nebbuh do’um! ’E onrabble’um 
mo’ fas’! ’E roll’um, en’ ’e roll’um. ’E nebbuh 
stop! De mo’ ’e daa’k, de mo’ ’e roll’um, ’tel 
bumbye, middlenight come—” 

“And dark as winter was the flow of Iser, 
rolling rapidly,” quoted Laguerre, delightedly. 

“Dat duh de Gawd’ trute, Jedge! De mo’ 
daa’k de middlenight stan’, de mo’ rappit de gal 
roll’um! Uh nebbuh say nutt’n’! Uh nebbuh 
hab chance. Uh stan’ sukkuh hog wuh git pen’up 
een fench. Ebb’ry time de hog t’ink ’e see gyap 
een de fench weh him kin git out, en’ mek fuh de 
hole, befo’ him kin reach’um, somebody dey dey 
wid stick fuh jook’um back! W’enebbuh Uh 
nigh de hole, da’ gal’ mout’ dey dey fuh jook me 
back! So, Uh le’m’lone, en’ de gal’ mout’ stop 
by ’eself, ’cause man ent fuh stop’um. Den, 
Jedge, Uh t’engk Gawd, en’ same lukkuh da’ 


82 


“THE MAN IN THE CASE ” 


moon bin do, Uh creep off easy fuh sleep. En’ dat 
duh all wuh Uh know. ,, 

“You have imparted your knowledge graphi¬ 
cally and have illuminated a dark subject.” 

“Suh?” 

“You have shown the prospective wife of your 
bosom to be quite as black as she had been 
painted.” 

“Yaas, suh, Jedge, de gal black, fuh true, but 
Uh yent bodduh ’bout dat, ’cause Uh black me- 
self, en jackdaw ent hab no bidness fuh fau’t 
crow ’cause ’e fedduh stan’ leetle kind’uh daa’k. 
Uh yent min’ ’bout de black, lukkuh Uh min’ 
’bout de bex. De bex een da’ gal duh de t’ing 
wuh bodduh me; en’, ef Uh fuh hab’um fuh wife, 
do, Jedge, ef you please, suh, git de gal straight 
een ’e min’, en’ tell’um wuh him fuh do befo’ me 
nuh him git tie, ’cause ef you wait fuh ’splain’um 
’tel attuh we done hitch, me en’ de gal fuh ’taguh- 
nize one’nurruh sukkuh jackass en’ cow haa’- 
ness’up togedduh een de same oxin-cyaa’t— 
needuh one fuh pull nutt’n’! 

“En’, Jedge, ef me en’ him fuh hab chillun, 
please, suh, tell’um w’ich one him fuh hab, en’ 
w’ich one me fuh hab—attuh de chillun done 
bawn! Da’ gal’ mout’ binnuh gwine sence 
T’ursday befo’ las’, jis’ ’cause Uh tell’um w’en 
we chillun git big ’nuf fuh climb tree Uh gwine 
mek one de boy climb da’ grapewine en’ shake 


83 


LAGUERRE 


down de grape fuhr’um, en’ de gal ’f’aid ’e chile 
gwine drap out de tree en’ dead, en ’e staa’t fuh 
cry ’bout ’e dead chile, alldo’ ’e yent staa’t fuh 
mek plan fuh hab de chile, en w’en ’e gitt’ru cry, 
’e biggin fuh quawl, en’ ’e nebbuh stop quawl 
frum dat to dis! Eb’nso, Jedge, de gal ’buze me 
so sabbidge, ’e say ef mongkey bin ’puntop Slann’ 
I’lun’, him woulduh hab’um fuh husbun’ ’stead’uh 
me, ’cause mongkey kin climb tree!” 

“You are at least second choice. Lacking the 
monkey, Alice has set her cap for you!” 

“Yaas, suh, Jedge, da’ wuh de gal say. Dat 
how ’e bex me summuch. Him bin pit de mong¬ 
key fus’!” 

“According to the anthropologists, Cephas, the 
monkey, as the ancestor of the African, has al¬ 
ways been 'fus’!’ Now,” said Laguerre, turning 
to Alice, who tense with excitement awaited her 
turn, “the ground, including trees and grape¬ 
vines, has been pretty fully covered by the two of 
you, who have cut such verbal antics before high 
heaven as would have made your arboreal and 
anthropoidal ancestors weep for very envy! 

“Now,” he demanded, “lacking the monkey, 
do I understand that you have picked out Cephas 
for your husband?” 

“Jedge, suh, me nebbuh pick’um, suh, him pick 
me!” 

“A euphemism! A fable! Pick you! How 


84 


THE MAN IN THE CASE” 


the devil did that myth of natural selection get 
loose on Toogoodoo?” 

“Yaas, suh, Jedge, dishyuh Nigguh Cephas mek 
baa’gin fuh hab me fuh wife. W’en de Nigguh 
ax me, Uh tell’um yaas, ’cause Uh ready fuh hab 
husbun’ en’ t’ing, en’ da’ somebody Pa hab fuh 
wife me en’ him cyan’ git’long none’tall en’—” 

“I’m not at all surprised, if the 'somebody’ has 
ears to hear! Well, having intimated, as is the 
way of your sex, that you were ripe and hanging 
on the tree ready to be picked, I suppose ‘dishyuh 
Nigguh Cephas’ summoned up the courage to 
pick you.” 

“No, suh, Jedge, de Nigguh nebbuh pick me off 
no tree. Him ax me to me Aunty’ house.” 

“And you, as there were no monkeys on Slann’s 
Island, were graciously moved to accept him.” 

Alice covered her face with her apron. When 
she withdrew it, her eyes glistened with unshed 
tears. “Jedge,” she whimpered, “Uh sorry Uh 
ebbuh bin call da’ mongkey name. Uh nebbuh 
study ’bout hab no mongkey fuh husbun’. Uh 
yent fuh hab none! Uh yent wan’ nutt’n’ fuh do 
wid no mongkey, Jedge. Uh jis’ call de mong¬ 
key’ name fuh bex de Nigguh, en’ Uh bex’um 
’cause Uh lub’um.” 

Weeping freely now, her grief touched some 
human chord in the hearts of the humble black 
folk about her, and they were silent. 


85 


LAGUERRE 


“Jedge," she sobbed. “Nemmin', suh, 'bout tell 
dishyuh Nigguh nutt'n' 'bout dem chillun me nuh 
him fuh hab, needuhso' bout no 't’oruhty, 'cause 
me en’ him kin 'gree 'bout dat. Soon ez sundown 
come, Uh gwine tek dishy uh Nigguh Cephas to 
Pa' house, so him kin tie we. En', Jedge, las' 
Sattyday Uh bin ax you fuh tell Cephas him iz 
fool, but nemmin' 'bout dat, suh. No 'cajun fuh 
tell'um now, 'cause me kin tell’um, en', attuh Uh 
lub'um summuch, enty Uh kin 'buze’um fuh me- 
self ? You know how 'e stan’, enty, suh?" 

“Yes," said Laguerre, “I know." 


S6 


THE TRIALS OF TUMBO 

Among those who had attended the last session 
of the Sylvan Court, Laguerre’s roving eye had 
fastened upon the burly form of the Reverend 
Tumbo Middleton, father of “Clever Alice”, as 
meat for investigation. 

Tumbo, not content with the privileges in¬ 
hering in the pastorate of the Slann’s Island 
Methodist Church—privileges regarded by the 
masculine members of the congregation as being 
above computation—had organized a local chap¬ 
ter of the “Sons and Daughters of I Will Arise,” 
the entire membership, excepting only himself, 
as President, composed of the younger women of 
his flock, married and single. 

The Society, a benevolent organization, had 
chosen from among the thirty sisters, a Secre¬ 
tary-lady and a Treasurer-lady, whose duties in¬ 
cluded the investigation of claims for sick bene¬ 
fits, and payments for those found to be just. 

With only one man to quarrel over, and he an 
experienced male, wise enough to distribute his 
attentions impartially, the Slann’s Island lodge 
functioned smoothly enough. There had been no 
friction to speak of until the close of the preced¬ 
ing year, when it was discovered that at Christ¬ 
mas, Sister Judy Chizzum, Treasurer-lady, find¬ 
ing that she, alone, among the entire member- 


87 


LAGUERRE 


ship, had drawn no sick benefit during the year, 
because she had not been sick, paid herself seven 
dollars, the sum each of the others had claimed 
and received for alleged distempers, which Judy 
suspected were rather more of the pocket than 
of the body. This, she conceived to be equity, if 
not law, but her position was challenged by Sister 
Bina Fields, Secretary-lady, who complained to 
“Pa Tumbo,” president of the society, that his 
Treasurer-lady had exceeded her authority. The 
president took the treasure-box into his keeping 
and, like a wise man, reserved his decision in re¬ 
spect to the dispute between the warring sisters. 
But he also reserved the old cigar box which 
contained the treasure—held on to it so long that 
the sisters haled him before Laguerre for an ac¬ 
counting. 

At the hearing, during one of the midsummer 
sessions of Laguerre’s Court, Tumbo insisted that 
the treasure-box when opened contained noth¬ 
ing— “ ’e bin full’up wid de pyo’ nutt’n’!” as he 
expressed it. Before the court could go further 
into the case, the proceedings were interrupted 
by the breaking into the circle of a stampeding 
ox, whose rider, with only a grapevine bridle, 
could not control him. When the ox had passed, 
the laughter that followed the incident so con¬ 
vulsed Laguerre that he suspended for the time 
further consideration of the proceedings against 


88 


THE TRIALS OF TUMBO 


Tumbo, and, as the Society sisters thereunto ap¬ 
pertaining had said no more about the matter, he 
dismissed it from his mind, assuming that the 
Negroes had adjusted their differences among 
themselves. 

When in mid-September, however, Laguerre 
saw Tumbo, flanked by Sisters Judy Chizzum 
and Bina Fields, among those present at the 
rapprochement between Clever Alice and “dish- 
yuh Nigguh Cephas,” who in the home-stretch of 
the matrimonial sweepstakes had come in first, 
with the monkey nowhere, his mind harked back 
to the former trial so suddenly suspended and, at 
the thought that they might have come together 
of their own accord without the exercise of his 
good offices or the authority of his honorable 
court, his anger began to rise, and before the ris¬ 
ing of his court, he ordered Cud jo to command 
Tumbo’s presence on the following Saturday, ac¬ 
companied by the feminine officials of the “I Will 
Arise.” 

A threatening day, cool and overcast. An 
easterly wind that, with ther harvest moon, now 
at the full, brought brimming tides that topped 
the causeways and spread far over the marshes. 
Gulls and other sea-birds followed the flowing 
tides, to feed at their recession in the shallows. 

Modern weather-sharps hold the equinoxes 
lightly, but in Laguerre’s day, when daily news- 


89 


LAGUERRE 

papers and Government weather reports seldom 
came into the hinterlands remote from the rail¬ 
ways, local prophets, white and black, with long 
memories of September gales, watched the ap¬ 
proach of the autumnal equinox with apprehen¬ 
sion, and if a full moon brought spring tides, and 
a flying scud suggested a tropical disturbance in 
the Yucatan channel, apprehension ripened into 
anxiety, if rice was yet in the fields. 

Local weather observers, always out of doors 
and close to Nature, are not to be held lightly. 
As the Minnesota Swede, smelling a coming snow 
storm hours before it arrives, will sniff the air 
and say to a compatriot: 

“Ay tank he bane going shnow. Ay shmall 
him. ,, 

“Ay tank he come in apoudt two yoomps. Ay 
shmall him too.” So if the dusky Low-country 
prognosticator cuts his eye at the clouds and the 
wind and, sniffing the moisture, grunts: “ ’e gwine 
we’dduh,” it usually does. 

The easterly winds that sweep the Low-coun¬ 
try, always biting and penetrating in winter, 
charged with the rawness of the sea, become in 
summer the softest, sweetest winds that blow, 
for the chill of winter is but the tonic freshness 
of summer, tempering the torrid heat as winds 
from no other quarter do. 

And the first cool September days, like twilight 


90 


THE TRIALS OF TUMBO 


in the desert, bring solace and relief to those who 
have borne the burden of the day through the 
long hot summer. But with the energizing hint 
of bracing winter weather to come, there’s al¬ 
ways a pang at the passing of summer—in the 
hearts, at least, of those who are near to Nature. 

Laguerre fared forth to his trysting place in 
the woodland glade. Old Scipio drove the 
springy buckboard with Zouave between the 
shafts. Scipio was a good listener—not the least 
of the qualifications that commended him to La¬ 
guerre—for Laguerre talked incessantly. Had 
he been without human companionship, he would 
have talked just the same, to Zouave—or the 
buckboard—but ’twas a great comfort to have an 
intelligent and sympathetic listener just at one’s 
elbow; a trained servant who knew exactly when 
to chuckle, when to say “dat’s so, suh,” or “Gawd’s 
trute, Maussuh!” and, when a laugh was expected 
but not warranted, knew just how to jerk the 
lines and whip up the horse to hide the hollow¬ 
ness of the cachinnation! 

Such a servant was beyond price, and Laguerre 
held him highly; but, more than servant, the old 
Negro was guide, philosopher and friend, help¬ 
ing his volatile master out of many small diffi¬ 
culties, and knowing just how long to let him blow 
off steam and when adroitly to shut him off. 
And Scipio’s knowledge of Negro nature was far 


91 


laguerre 


deeper than his master’s, for Laguerre talked too 
much to be observant—his ears were too busy 
listening to the sound of his voice, his eyes were 
too intent upon watching the effect his voice was 
having upon the ears of others, for him to see or 
hear less important things—and, as a rule, he 
didn’t! 

But Scipio, old and shrewd and wise, could 
thread the tangled thickets of the Negro mind as 
easily as a raccoon climbs a tree. “Maussuh, 
Nigguh ent nutt’n’ fuh know! Uh kin see t’ru- 
’um too easy. ’E min’ twis’up en’ tanglety, suk- 
kuh briah-patch, fuh true, but ’e hab paat’ t’ru- 
’um, en ’alldo’ de paat’ stan’ crookety ez Toogoodoo 
Crik, Uh know how fuh trabble’um, enty, suh? 
Berrywell.” 

And he did. Often when Laguerre stubbed his 
psychological toe while trying to lay hands on the 
truth, flitting like a will o’ the wisp through a 
witness’s wilderness of words—a quiet hint from 
Scipio would show him how to head oif the elusive 
stranger, and gain him credit within his jurisdic¬ 
tion for a knowledge of Negro character that, 
save through old Scipio, he did not possess. 

And now that Tumbo lay heavily upon the 
magisterial mind, Laguerre questioned Scipio as 
to the sturdy black oak and the many clinging 
vines that hung upon him. 


92 


THE TRIALS OF TUMBO 


“Scipio, what do you know about that bull- 
alligator, Tumbo?” 

“Maussuh, you name’um right, ’cause dat 
puhzac’ly wuh ’e yiz. No, suh! W’en you call 
da’ Nigguh bull-alligettuh you nebbuh call’um out 
’e name! En’, Maussuh, you ax me wuh Uh 
know ’bout’um. Uh know’um t’ru en’ t’ru same 
lukkuh Uh know all deseyuh Nigguh preachuh. 
Dem all stan’ same fashi’n. Dem hab only two 
t’ing fuh study ’bout—bittle en’ ’ooman! Some 
de preachuh study mo’ ’bout de bittle, en’ some de 
t’odduh one study mo’ ’bout de ’ooman, but all 
deseyuh hebby bull, lukkuh Buh Tumbo, dem 
fuh study ’bout alltwo! En’ de bittle en’ de 
’ooman stan’ close togedduh, ’cause ebb’ry time 
de preachuh wisit de ’ooman, de ’ooman haffuh 
cook fuhr’um, enty, suh? Berry well. En’ de 
preachuh keep de ’ooman po’, ’cause w’en de 
preachuh eat to de ’ooman’ house, him fuh nyam 
de bes’! Nutt’n’ ’cep’ de bes’ fuh suit. En’ ef 
de ’ooman got uh ten cent tie een ’e ap’un, da’ 
preachuh fuh ontie de knot en’ grabble’um out. 
Him fuh grabble attuh da’ ten cent sukkuh tarrier 
grabble attuh grummole, en’ ’e nebbuh stop ’tel 
’e gitt’um. W’en de po’ ’ooman look ’puntop ’e 
ten cent een de preachuh’ han’, ’e berry mo’nful 
but ’e drap uh cutchy en’ ’e say ‘me money gone, 
but, tengk-gawd, Uh g’em to de Lawd’; en’ de 
preachuh gone! 


93 


LAGUERRE 


“Maussuh, Uh tell you de trute, ef Gawd bin 
pit hoe een dem Nigguh han’ en’ tell’um fuh 
knock grass all t’ru de week en’ preach w’en Sun¬ 
day come, da’ pulpit nebbuh woulduh shum. 
W’en Sunday come dem woulduh ’tretch’out een 
de sunhot duh sleep! Dem ent lub da’ pulpit 
’cause ’e dey een de Lawd’ house fuh Him saa’- 
bunt fuh stan’ een fuh resplain Him wu’d. No, 
suh! Dem lub’um ’cause de Nigguh kin hab 
chance fuh talk out’um fuh tickle de ’ooman yez, 
so dem kin gone to de ’ooman’ house en’ seddown 
close to de ’ooman en’ ’e skillet, en’ watch’um all- 
two one time. 

“En’ ez fuh Buh Tumbo! Him ent sattify wid 
de ’t’oruhty wuh ’e done got obuh all de female 
een de chu’ch, so him haffuh pen’up dem t’irty 
nyung sistuh een da’ ’Syety, en’ mek sanctify 
fench ’roun’um, sukkuh dem bin pullet lock’up 
een coob! En’ him duh de only roostuh! Him 
duh de only roostuh! En’ w’en ’e crow, en’ de 
t’odduh roostuh outside de fench yeddy’um, dem 
done fuh bex. Dat de reaz’n all dem t’odduh man 
’taguhnize’um so hebby, en’ dat w’ymekso de man 
so glad fuh shum een shishuh hebby trouble, 
’cause ’e dey een trouble now, Maussuh, sho’s you 
bawn! Da’ bull Nigguh tanglety up een dem 
’ooman’ sku’t en’ t’ing sukkuh wawss git ketch 
een spiduh web! En’ nobody sorry fuhr’um, 
’cause ’e too greedy! De man ent gwine stan’ 


94 


THE TRIALS OF TUMBO 


by’um 'cause ’e tek’way all de ’ooman, en de’ 
’ooman stan’ by’um so close ’tel dem tromple’um! 
So, Buh Tumbo dey een trouble fuh true!” 

Laguerre imposed great restraint upon him¬ 
self in keeping quiet during the five minutes it 
took Scipio to give the once-over to the ewe lambs 
huddled within the fold of the dusky King Sol¬ 
omon of Slann’s Island. As nestlings flutter 
tremulously when the motherbird with a worm in 
her beak alights on the edge of the nest, so, al¬ 
ways, when someone else was speaking, La- 
guerre’s ear-drums hungered quiveringly for the 
sound of Laguerre’s voice. Only the importance 
of Scipio’s information justified the exercise of 
the Spartan discipline of silence! 

While Scipio talked he had punctuated his sen¬ 
tences with gentle flicks of his whip on Zouave’s 
ribs, and the slim stallion moved along so briskly 
that by the time he wound up his story with the 
prediction that trouble was brewing for Tumbo, 
Scipio and his master came in sight of the glade 
in the pineland, where, on fine days, Laguerre 
held his court. 

“Maussuh,” commented Scipio, as they drew 
near and saw the black faces of those that clus¬ 
tered about the big pine box, “seem ez ef black- 
bu’d duh swawm, en’ crow duh mustuh!” and La¬ 
guerre chuckled as one who, whetting the knife 
of his wit for the dissection of character, sees the 


95 


LAGUERRE 


groaning board set forth with dark meat ready 
for the carving! 

Laguerre took his seat and the court was called 
to order by Cud jo. Tumbo stood out in front of 
his society sisters, who squatted on the ground in 
a semicircle behind him, as the cows and calves 
of a buffalo herd range themselves behind the old 
bull when danger threatens. But with a differ¬ 
ence, for within the deep bosoms of the dusky 
sisterhood of the Slann’s Island fold of the “I 
Will Arise/’ there lurked more than a suspicion 
that the Reverend President had not played fair 
with them in respect to money matters, and that 
the cigar-box treasury of the fold had contained 
far more than “de pyo’ nutt’n’ ” when commit¬ 
ted into Tumbo’s keeping. So, unlike the buffalo 
herd, they hoped that the great bull before them 
would be slashed and harried by the verbal fangs 
of the grim white wolf who had brought him to 
bay. Harried, but not hamstrung, for the burly 
black priest, altho’ he bore heavily upon their 
lean larders and the small store of silver knotted 
in the corners of their aprons, meant much to 
them in many ways. His unctuous appreciation 
of the food they prepared for him, the gracious 
condescension with which he accepted “the pen¬ 
nies of the poor” they so humbly bestowed, and 
the spiritual consolation, that, when full-fed and 
fee’d, leaked out of him, exalted their souls. 


96 


THE TRIALS OF TUMBO 


About the time of Laguerre, a little St. Nich¬ 
olas jingle told the story of a canny and forward- 
looking Japanese maiden, who, sought in mar¬ 
riage by the wealthy husband of seventy-nine 
wives, besought the Emperor to tell her, before 
giving her hand, what “an eightieth widow's 
third would be.” 

“The Mikado was wondrous wise, 

He opened his mouth, and he shut his eyes. 
‘An eightieth widow's third will be— 
Whatever the Law will give to thee!' ” 

Tumbo was not at all concerned with eightieth- 
widow's thirds. His problem was the difficult 
one of distributing his pastoral and personal at¬ 
tentions equitably among the feminine members 
of the fold, so that each of the thirty would be 
sure she had received at least the thirtieth to 
which she was entitled, and, in addition, what¬ 
ever her spiritual needs demanded or her person¬ 
ality warranted! Tumbo’s skill in sailing his 
bark, or paddling his “trus’-me-gawd” through the 
tortuous channels that separated the thick-clus¬ 
tered islets of his human archipelago, and touch¬ 
ing upon each siren shore just long enough, but 
not too long, had earned him the envious admi¬ 
ration of all the other men in the community. 
“Pa Tumbo, him done fuh know ’ooman!" 

“Yaas, man! Him haffuh know'um! 'Ooman 


97 


LAGUERRE 


duh weh him lib! Him know’um sukkuh dog 
know ’e flea! Him kibbuhr’up wid ’ooman!” 

And now, as Tumbo stood forth, “upstage, 
with his mute petticoated chorus spread out fan¬ 
like behind him, Laguerre’s wrath kindled, and 
flared up! 

“Well, you black Bull-of-the-Woods, what have 
you got to say for yourself? Have you brought 
all the young heifers with you?” 

“Jedge, de t’irty nyung sistuh, dey iz all prez- 
unt, I beleebe, suh.” 

“And the bell-cow! What have you done with 
the bell-cow ?” 

“Suh!” 

“The bell-cow. Your ‘lawfully-lady,’ as you 
call her.” 

Tumbo’s gravity was unshaken by Laguerre’s 
pleasantry, and he replied with great dignity: 

“Yaas, suh, she also is prezunt.” 

“Is she the one with whom your daughter Alice 
couldn’t ‘git’long none’tall’?” 

“Yaas, suh, Jedge, de berry same.” 

“Why the devil don’t you make them ‘git’long’ ? 
You have all the petticoats on Slann’s Island stuck 
to you like sheep-burrs to a mule’s tail, and you 
don’t know how to manage women?” 

“Jedge, suh—” 

The master-mariner knows his ship, from stem 
to stern—to him she is a sentient thing, respon- 


98 


THE TRIALS OF TUMBO 


sive to every mood of the mighty deep upon whose 
bosom she is alternately cradled and tempest- 
tossed. The eagle knows the air, and all the 
shifting winds that sweep the blue empyrean— 
afloat, broad planes outstretched, on soft aerial 
tides, or, with pinions sharp as a felucca’s prow, 
buffeting the storm! And there are men, made 
in God’s image, but wise in their own conceit, 
who know women—“know them through and 
through.” Tumbo was not one of them! 

“Jedge, suh, Uh tangle’up en’ ractify wid heap- 
’uh ’ooman, fuh true, but de mo’ I iz know ’bout 
de ’ooman, de mo’ I iz know dat Uh yent know 
nutt’n’tall ’bout de ’ooman.” 

“A Daniel come to judgment,” said the court. 

“Oh, me Jedus! Yeddy’um,” shouted the squat¬ 
ting sisters. 

“Yaas, suh, Jedge,” continued Tumbo, “ ’ooman 
iz shishuh cuntrady t’ing, you dunno how fuh 
tek’um! Ef you tek’um ez ’e come, fus’ t’ing you 
know, him duh gwine! Ef de ’ooman staa’t fuh 
we’dduh, en’ de win’ out de ’ooman’ mout’ blow 
frum de Sout’, en’ you hice you ambrelluh fuh 
puhtec’ you’self, fus’ t’ing you know, da’ win’ shif’ 
’roun’ en’ blow out de Nawt’, ’e wranch de am¬ 
brelluh out you han’, en’ t’row rain ’puntop you! 
En’ ef man hab two ’ooman een ’e house, ’speshly 
ef one duh ’e lawfully-lady, en’ t’odduh one duh ’e 
daa’tuh wuh ’e bin hab by one de t’odduh ’ooman 


99 


LAGUERRE 


’e bin hab at de fus’, befo’ ’e hab ’e lawfully-lady 
—befo’ dem two ’ooman gitt’ru ’taguhnize one- 
’nurruh, de man fuh stan’ lukkuh de ’Gypshun 
wuh folluh dem Jew en’ t’ing een de Red Sea. 
Him gwine bog’up! Jedge, suh, man ent fuh 
rule two ’ooman een one house. De debble haf- 
fuh do’um! 'Cause ’ooman iz uh sometime t’ing, 
sho’ ez Gawd duh ride ’puntop’uh Him cloud! 
Sho’ ez Gawd!” 

Under the stress of excitement Tumbo, ordi¬ 
narily more careful of his speech than the other 
Toogoodoo Negroes, had lapsed into the broadest 
Gullah, and his vehemence provoked his auditors 
to laughter. 

“Ki!” shouted a critical sister, “Pa Tumbo bex! 
W’en you shum stan’ so, him fuh t’row’way ’e 
Sunday talk, en’ full ’e mout’ wid pluff-mud suk- 
kuh dem Nigguh ’puntop Wadmuhlaw!” 

“Yaas,” said an envious male, ‘ ’e talk pluff- 
mud talk, fuh true, en’ w’en ’e yiz talk’um, dat 
duh de sign him duh talk trute, ’cause, sometime, 
w’en man dey een uh hebby trouble, de trute 
jump out ’e mout’ en’ gone befo’ him kin ketch- 
’um! En’ ’e bruk’out da’ ole ram’ mout’ en’ git- 
’way cause dem ’ooman kibbuhr’um so hebby. 
De ’ooman kibbuhr’um ’tel dem smudduhr’um!” 

Truth, emerging from the smother, showed La- 
guerre a changed attitude of the sisters toward 
the dusky guardian of the fold, for now they 


100 


THE TRIALS OF TUMBO 


frankly laughed at one they sometime held as 
sacrosanct within “the awful circle of the 
church!” 

“Well,” said Laguerre, “you have expressed 
the opinion that only the devil is competent to 
rule the two women within your own household. 
How are you going to rule the thirty lambs you 
have out in the pasture? Is the devil going to 
take those off your hands, too?” 

“Jedge, you fuh do’um, suh.” 

“Me!” screamed Laguerre, “me! What the 
thunder do you mean?” 

“Jedge, you fuh tell’um how fuh do, please, suh, 
’cause my ’t’oruhty obuhr’um git kind’uh loose, 
ebbuh sence da’ time de sistuh git tangle’up ’bout 
de sick benefit een de ’Syety. De sistuh fetch de 
’spute to me fuh onrabble’um, en’ same time dem 
bin fetch de ’spute, dem fetch de tredjuh-box, en’ 
ax me fuh hoi’ de tredjuh-box ’tel de ’spute done 
’spute; but Jedge, da’ ’spute nebbuh yiz done 
’spute, ’cause dem t’irty sistuh iz ’ooman, enty, 
Jedge? Uh nebbuh bodduh ’bout de ’spute w’en 
de ’ooman ’spute ’mong demself, ’cause ’ooman 
haffuh do dat, but dem fetch me een’um en’ ax me 
wuh’smattuh wid all de money wuh bin een de 
tredjuh-box, en’ alldo’ Uh tell’um ’sponsubble suh 
de tredjuh-box bin full’up wid nutt’n ’, w’en Uh 
pry’um op’n, dem ent b’leebe me, Jedge, en’ de 
’ooman keep on onrabble dem debble’ub’uh mout’ 


101 


LAGUERRE 

at me ’tel me yez duh sing sukkuh bee binnuh 
swawm een’um!” 

“Oh, Gawd! Yeddy Pa Tumbo cuss! Him 
duh de Lawd’ renointed, en’ him call de debble’ 
name!” 

“Yaas, tittuh, him bex, now. W’en you shum 
bow ’e neck lukkuh bull, Pa Tumbo done fuh bex! 
En’ ’e yent bex wid man! ’E bex wid nutt’n’ but 
we po’ ’ooman wuh ent got nutt’n’ but we mout’ 
fuh puhtec’ weself!” 

“Mout’ !” bellowed Tumbo, “Mout’! Jedge, 
dem mout’ wuss’ mo’nuh alligettuh’ jaw! ’E heap 
wuss’! Alligettuh leddown een de sunhot fuh 
sleep. ’E crack ’e jaw ’tel ’e mout’ full’up wid 
fly en’ bug en’ t’ing. ’E shet ’e mout’ fuh swal- 
luhr’um, den ’e crack ’e jaw, ’gen. But ’e shet ’e 
mout’ sometime, enty, Jedge? De ’ooman nebbuh 
do’um! De only t’ing him hab fuh swalluh iz 
’e bex, en’ fas’ ez him swalluhr’um, da’ bex b’ile 
up ’gen. So de ’ooman fuhrebbuh gott’um een 
’e mout’!” 

“Jedge, ef you hab ’tettuh een de pot, ef watuh 
dey een you kittle ’pun de fiah, ef you want’um 
fuh b’ile fas’, you haffuh pit kibbuh ’puntop’um, 
enty, suh? ’Cause ef you tek off da’ kibbuh him 
tek mo’ longuh fuh b’ile. Jedge you t’ink ’ooman 
mout’ stan’ so?” 

Laguerre slowly shook his head. 

“Berrywell, suh,” said Tumbo, triumphantly, 


102 


THE TRIALS OF TUMBO 


“you know’um, Jedge, ’cause de mo’ de ’ooman 
onkibbuhr’um, de mo’ swif’ ’e b’ile! En’ Jedge, 
all dem t’irty mout’ binnuh b’ile obuh en’ seal’ 
me, ’tel Uh sorry Uh ebbuh bin orguhnize de 
’Syety en’ tangle’up wid de drat ’ooman!” 

“Oh, Jedus! Him duh drat we!” 

“Yaas, tittuh! Pa Tumbo drat we good!” 

“Jedge, suh, ef de ’ooman iz bin hab money een 
dem tredjuh-box, me yent hab no ’cajun fuh 
s’aa’ch’um! Wuffuh de Lawd’ renointed haffuh 
run ’e han’ een de ’ooman’ tredjuh-box en’ t’ing 
fuh git money, w’en de knot een de ’ooman ap’un 
stan’ so cunweenyunt? Enty de ’ooman haffuh 
feed de preachuh? Enty de ’ooman haffuh pit 
money een ’e han’? De man wu’k fuh de bittle 
en’ de money, fuh true, but de ’ooman tek’um’way 
frum de man en’ g’em to de preachuh. Da’ duh 
him bidness. Ef de ’ooman’ sinful soul en’ t’ing 
iz fuh sabe, de preachuh haffuh sabe’um, en’ ez 
de ’ooman gwine ’long, him haffuh sabe de man, 
’cause de man ent gwine bodduh fuh sabe ’eself 
en’ ’e yent gwine pay no preachuh fuh sabe’um, 
needuh! W’ichebbuh way de ’ooman go, de man 
gwine folluhr’um—ef ’e kin. Ef de ’ooman 
gwine to ’e Jedus, en’ ’e try fuh lif’ de man off 
de du’t fuh cya’um wid’um, de ’ooman haffuh 
fluttuh fedduh fuh hice da’ man sukkuh hawk 
beat ’e wing w’en ’e ketch uh hebby fowl een ’e 
claw en’ try fuh rise’um off de groun’ fuh fly’way. 


103 


LAGUERRE 


“But ef de debble ketch de ’ooman en’ cya’um 
down dey to da’ place weh him lib! Jedge, de 
man fuh folluhr’um swif’ sukkuh ottuh slip down 
da' slide 'pun de backwatuh dam! But w’en de 
ottuh done slide ’e slide, him fuh drap een de 
watuh, but w’en de man git da’ place weh ’e duh 
gwine, ’e foot nebbuh wet, ’cause no watuh dey 
dey. De debble cyan’ b’ile’um, so him haffuh 
swinge’um! 

“So, Jedge, de ’ooman haffuh pay de preachuh 
fuh resplain de Lawd’ wu’d en’ tell’um ’bout 
Pharaoh en’ Buhrabbus, en’ all dem t’odduh 
’postle en’ t’ing een de Scriptuh, ’cause de lab’ruh 
wu’t’ ’e hire, en’ long ez de preachuh hab prib’lidge 
fuh ontie de knot een de ’ooman’ ap’un, ’e yent 
haffuh run ’e han’ een ’e tredjuh-box, en’ Jedge, 
suh, deseyuh t’irty sistuh kin tek de ’Syety en’ 
run’um fuh demself. Ef man cyan’ do’um fuh 
suit, leh de ’ooman do’um, enty, Jedge? Some 
deseyuh new ’ooman wuh grow’up sence Free¬ 
dom nebbuh count man nohow, ’tel Sattyday 
night come—den, dem count all wuh ’e got, en’ 
tie’um up een dem ap’un! De ’ooman ent count 
de man, but ’e nebbuh try fuh raise no fowl ’cep’ 
’e got roostuh een ’e yaa’d! 

“Jedge, suh, deseyuh nyung sistuh done ’taguh- 
nize de fait’ful roostuh wuh bin min’ de hawk 
off’um; en’ now, ef dem iz so smaa’t, le’m do bed- 
out no roostuh! Befo’ t’ree week done pass, da’ 


104 


THE TRIALS OF TUMBO 

same oagly Cudjo fuh fetch dem t’irty sistuh yuh, 
’cause ebb’ry one fuh tayre t’odduh one’ shimmy 
ofFum! En’ Jedge, yuh dem drat tredjuh-box!” 
and Tumbo, pathetic in his renunciation, laid the 
empty cigar box before the court. 

“Place aux dames!” said Laguerre—but he 
pronounced it “damn!” 


105 









“PLACE AUX DAMES!” 


A sunless solar system! 

A fold of Sons and Daughters whose only Son, 
having placed himself “under some prodigious 
ban of excommunication,” was now a Son no 
more! 

A rudderless ship adrift on the heaving tides 
of an ocean, whose bosom, unruffled now, would 
presently seethe with the passion of angry 
waters! 


Only close observers of human nature realize 
the importance to many families of having a poor 
relation about the house—a “fifth-wheel” as he 
is sometimes called. This odd and unattached 
member of the household may do chores enough 
to more than pay his way, but he is a fifth-wheel, 
nevertheless, and the fifth-wheel may, for want 
of oil, creak and groan as it moves, but it is al¬ 
ways there to turn or be turned upon! 

And what a comfort to have it to turn upon! 
Jarring members of the regular family are often 
held together by the cement of a common criti¬ 
cism—a blessed goat! A gift from heaven, like 
Abraham’s sacrificial ram! 

So, sometimes, for half a generation, the fifth- 
wheel serves his turn, and then—for God is good 
—he dies and is laid away. Then the members 


107 



LAGUERRE 


of the household, having acquired the habit of 
criticism, look around for a common subject and 
finding none, turn upon one another, and, if he 
could, the fifth-wheel would turn over in his quiet 
grave, and smile! 


Tumbo, having rid himself of the petticoat- 
grass that not long since clung to his knees so 
ardently, by simply divesting himself of his presi¬ 
dential pantaloons, was now, by his own act, an 
outcast from the “I Will Arise,” and, like a 
“rogue” elephant outlawed from the herd, kept 
surlily to himself, for he was contemned by the 
men, first for greed in having gathered so many 
women into his own hands, and then for folly in 
having turned them all loose again, while the 
women were angered because he had scorned and 
flouted them in public. 

For a week the old bull moped around, giving 
scant attention to his pastoral duties, but when 
Sunday came, he stamped the floor of his Slants 
Island pulpit 'til the loose boards rattled, and 
bellowed like a “bloodynoun.” And he bellowed 
at the women. The thirty young sisters of the 
“I Will Arise” sat near the front, and at these he 
hurled denunciations of vanity, untruthfulness, 
tattling, and other faults to which women are 
said to be addicted, but which men will by no 
means relinquish exclusively to the gentler sex. 


108 



“PLACE AUX DAMES” 


With many a florid gesture and whole-arm 
swing, Tumbo thundered, and the sisters, know¬ 
ing he was preaching at them, and why, smiled 
tolerantly, and responded frequently and fer¬ 
vently. 

“De debble done git een dese nyung , ooman! ,, 

“Amen!” groaned a deep-voiced man. 

“You cyan’ shum, but de debble dey dey!” 

“Yaas, me Jedus! him dey dey,” conceded a 
shrill sister. 

“Ef you don’t t’row’um out, ’e gwine rabbidge 
you h’aa’t.” 

“Oh! me Kingdom come! We h’aa’t fuh rab¬ 
bidge!” 

“En’ w’en de debble done rabbidge’um, him fuh 
cya’ you down to da’ place weh him lib, en’ w’en 
you shum, en’ see how de fiah stan’, you gwine 
t’u’sty ’nuf fuh swalluh Toogoodoo Crik, salt ez 
’e yiz, ef you kin gitt’um, ’cause no watuh dey 
dey!” 

“No, me Jedus! no watuh dey dey!” 

“En’ de t’ing wuh mek de mores’ trouble fuh 
wunnuh ’ooman, iz wunnuh mout’! Wunnuh 
sinful mout’! En’ de trouble ’e mek fuh wun¬ 
nuh ent nutt’n’ to de trouble ’e mek fuh ebb’ry- 
body else. W’en woodpeckuh mek ’e nes’ een de 
holluh tree, him sattify wid one hole. Da’ hole 
him hab fuh gone een ’e nes’, him nyuze da’ same 
hole fuh come out’um. But wunnuh ’ooman ent 


109 


LAGUERRE 


Stan’ so. ’Ooman fuh hab t’ree hole een ’e head 
—’e two yez en’ ’e mout’! En’ dem all t’ree fuh- 
rebbuh open. Dem nebbuh shet.” 

“Oh, Jedus! Him duh call we name!” 

“En’ ebb’ryt’ing wuh gone een de yez fuh come 
out de mout’ !” 

“Amen! Amen!” grunted the double-bass. 

“But ’e yent fuh come out lukkuh ’e gone een! 
De t’ing wuh gone een ’e yez, ent stan’ same 
fashi’n w’en ’e come out ’e mout’, ’cause da’ 
’ooman’ sinful h’aa’t fuh change’um ’tel de wu’d 
ent fuh ruckuhnize ’eself.” 

“Maussuh, Jedus! De debble gwine git we!” 
shouted a sister, mockingly. 

“Him dey ’pun you track, my sistuh! En’ w’en 
you see da’ fiah come out ’e mout’ en’ yeddy’um 
pop ’e tail, ‘paow!’ lukkuh dem boy pop lash fuh 
min’ bu’d out de rice-fiel’, you foot gwine trabble 
so swif’ you mout’ ent gwine hab chance fuh 
laugh! 

“So, ez Uh tell wunnuh, ’ooman’ yez en’ ’e 
mout’ stan’ lukkuh cawn furruh. Ef somebody 
drap grain uh cawn een de ’ooman’ yez, you t’ink 
da’ leely grain fuh come out ’e mout’ lukkuh dat? 
No, beliebuh! ’E nebbuh do’um. ’E nebbuh 
do’um! ’Cause da’ cawn haffuh sprout fus’! 
En’ w’en you look ’puntop’um, da’ seed fuh hab 
long shoot ’pun ’e top en’ long root ’puntop ’e 
bottom.” 


no 


“PLACE AUX DAMES ” 


“We mout' duh sprout, me Jedus! We mout' 
duh sprout!” 

“En’ dat de reaz'n w'ymekso wunnuh 'ooman iz 
shishuh hebby sinnuh, 'cause ef de trute gone een 
you yez lukkuh da' leely grain, da’ cawn fuh come 
out you mout' 'cawd'n' to you h'aa't, 'cause you 
h'aa’t fuh sprout’um. Ef you h'aa't mek plan 
fuh tell leely lie, de cawn fuh hab leely root 'pun- 
top'um; ef de lie fuh be middle-size lie, de cawn 
fuh be 'bout knee high; but ef you h'aa’t wickety 
fuh true-true, w’en da' cawnstalk come out you 
mout' him fuh stan' high mo’nuh man’ head, en' 
fuh hab tossle ’puntop'um!” 

“Now, him duh tell we!” 

“Yaas, my bredduh,” bellowed Tumbo with 
rising voice, “en' dem sistuh een de 'Syety wuh 
bin 'taguhnize dem pastuh to de Jedge, en' 'cuze- 
'um 'bout run 'e han' een dem tredjuh-box, stan' 
sukkuh dem 'ooman wuh sprout de cawn. Dem 
cawnstalk got tossle 'puntop’um!” 

“Oh, Gawd! We cawn duh tossle! We cawn 
duh tossle!” 

But, after Tumbo had eased his spirit by the 
Sunday outburst, he softened toward the sisters, 
old and young. He knew that, as the river flows 
to the sea, so in time would the petticoated mem¬ 
bership of the “I Will Arise” run again to the 
Man of God—or he to them. Meanwhile, he was 
content to wait, and watch with interest their 


ill 


LAGUERRE 


efforts to reorganize the headless society along 
feminine lines, with entire independence of the, 
for the moment, obnoxious sex. 

Tumbo resumed cautiously and furtively his 
pastoral visits, but, keeping clear of the young 
sisterhood, addressed himself to the middle-aged, 
or “settled” members of his congregation, and 
from these he began to extract bits of gossip 
about the feminists. 

“Yaas, suh,” said a wise and settled sister. 
“Uh bin to Sistuh Judy Chizzum' house night be- 
fo’ las’, en’ him en’ Sistuh Fields binnuh 'taguh- 
nize one’nurruh 'bout w'ich one fuh be de Prez- 
z ydent attuh you done t'row'um 'way. Dem all- 
two want’um, but only one kin hab’um, so attuh 
dem 'spute en' aa’gyfy 'bout'um 'tel dem mos' 
bex 'nuf fuh fight, dem 'gree fuh tek de 'spute to 
Jedge en’ ax’um ef dem alltwo kin be Prezzy dent 
one time, 'cause needuh one de 'ooman willin' fuh 
leh de t'odduh one hab'um. So las' night de two 
'ooman en' two-tree de t’odduh sistuh gone to 
Jedge' house fuh ax'um.” 

“Wuh Jedge tell'um?” 

“Jedge tell’um 'sponsubble suh only one man 
kin be de Prezzy dent. Alltwo de 'ooman cyan' 
hab’um one time. Jedge tell'um fuh 'membuh 
now, dem iz man. Dem gone en' tek man 
't’oruhty 'puntop demself en' dem haffuh be- 
habe lukkuh man. Jedge ax’um ef dem t'ink dem 


112 


“PLACE AUX DAMES” 


iz hen, ’cause ef two hen duh lay een one en’ de 
de same nes’, soon ez one de hen done lay en’ git 
off de nes’ fuh cackly so him kin tell de roostuh 
’bout da’ aig, de t’odduh hen tek him chance fuh 
gone een de nes’ fuh lay him’own, en’ Jedge tell- 
’um shishuh gwinin’ en’ gwinin’ lukkuh dat do 
berrywell fuh hen en’ ’ooman, but attuh dem done 
tek de ’t’oruhty ’puntop demself wuh nyuse to 
blonx to Pa Tumbo, dem haffuh be sukkuh man; 
same ez ef dem bin hab on britchiz; dem ent fuh 
swap ’roun’ lukkuh dem bin ’pun hen’ nes’! All- 
two cyan’ be Prezzydew£. Only one fuh hab’um. 
En’ Jedge exwise’um fuh leh one de ’ooman be de 
Prezz ydent, en’ t’odduh one fuh be Wice-Prezzy- 
dent, den alltwo de ’ooman fuh sattify, ’cause 
Prezz ydent dey een alltwo dem name.” 

“Wuh de ’ooman do, w’en Jedge exwise’um?” 

“Dem ’gree fuh tek Jedge’ exwice. Alltwo de 
’ooman hice dem ’coat up high fuh keep’um out 
de hebby jew, en’ dem en’ dem cump’ny tek de 
paat’ fuh home. En’ ez dem duh gwine ’long de 
narruh paat’ t’ru de bush, da’ name duh sing een 
alltwo de ’ooman’ yez, ’cause dem nebbuh yeddy 
nobody call shishuh name lukkuh dat befo’. 
Chinkypen duh grow ’longside de paat’. De 
shaa’p buhr jam een de ’ooman’ knee en’ sting’um. 
De ’ooman nebbuh feel’um. Briah wrop ’roun’ 
de t’odduh ’ooman’ shin ez ’e gwine, en’ ’e bite de 
’ooman’ meat. Him nebbuh bodduh ’bout’um 


113 


LAGUERRE 


’cause da’ name duh sing, en’ de mo’ -’e sing, de 
mo’ rich ’e soun’. Wice-Prezzydewf/ Wice-Prezzy- 
dent! 

“En’ ez dem foot duh trabble ’long de paat’ en’ 
da’ name duh trabble t’ru dem head, each one de 
’ooman duh mek plan fuh git da’ title fuh ’eself 
’cause ’e t’ink Wice-Prezzy dent stan’ rich mo’nuh 
Prezzy dent” 

“ ’Ooman iz uh foolish t’ing.” 

“So, bumbye, Sistuh Fields him staa’t fus’. 
’E h’aa’t schemy, but him duh hide ’e h’aa’t wid 
’e mout’, en’ ’e mout’ berry saaf’. 

“ ‘Sistuh Chizzum,’ ’e say, ‘Uh so glad Jedge 
tell we ’bout da’ Wice-Prezzy dent, ’cause me kin 
tek him, en’ den you fuh be de Prezzydent, wid 
nobody fuh ’spute you ’bout’um, en’ Uh sorry Uh 
bin ’taguhnize you so hebby ’bout da’ Prezzydent, 
’cause da’ place blonx to you, yaas, ma’am, en’ 
so, w’en Uh yeddy Jedge tell you fuh tek’um, Uh 
bin glad we yent fuh ’spute obuhr’um no mo’, 
’cause Uh sattify now fuh tek de Wice-Prezzy- 
dent, wuh you ent want, en’ do de bes’ wid’um 
wuh Uh kin.’ 

“Reb’ren’, w’en Sistuh Chizzum yeddy dat, ’e 
h’aa’t drap, ’cause Sistuh Fields tek de wu’d out 
’e mout’! Him bin jis’ gwine fuh say da’ same 
berry t’ing, but befo’ ’e kin crack ’e teet’ fuh 
gitt’um out, Sistuh Fields tek’um’way en’ gone! 
Wuh him fuh do, now? Him wan’ da’ Wice- 


114 


“PLACE AUX DAMES” 


m 

Prezzy dent’ name mo’nuh him bin wan’ de Prez- 
zy dent’ name, at de fus', 'cause de name soun' 
so rich, en' nobody een we neighbuhhood, need- 
uhso 'puntop Toogoodoo, nebbuh bin yeddy'um 
befo'. 

“So, Sistuh Chizzum’ min' staa't fuh twis'. 
'E twis' en 'e twis', 'e scheme en' 'e scheme, en’ 
'e study 'bout how him kin twis’ da' Wice-Prezzy- 
dent out da’ t’odduh ’ooman’ head. 'E know 'e 
gwine be haa'd fuh do, ’cause da' t’ing done tek 
root een de 'ooman' head, en' 'e root gone deep, 
sukkuh bamboo-wine en’ cane root, en’ dem t’ing 
haffuh chop’up wid hoe! En' Reb’ren’, de 'ooman 
do'um! Befo' 'e gitt'ru, 'e 'queeze da’ t'ing out 
de t’odduh 'ooman' head. Him tell me so dis 
mawnin', ’oself.” 

“How 'e do'um?" 

“ 'E nice’um up wid 'e 'ceitful mout’. 'E tell- 
'um suh w’en him 'membuh how dignify you 
stan' w'en you binnuh seddown een da’ Prezzy- 
denV seat de time you binnuh dictate obuh de 
'Syety, him shame fuh seddown een da' chair, en' 
'e say him cyan’ cross 'e foot stylish obuh 'e knee 
lukkuh you bin do’um, 'cause 'e yent got on no 
britchiz, en’ ef 'e yiz bin hab britchiz, 'e shame 
fuh do'um, 'cause him iz 'ooman, en' 'ooman ent 
fuh do shishuh t'ing lukkuh dat, nohow, en' 'e 
tell’um 'e know berrywell suh ef you yeddy suh 
de 'ooman wuh bin 'taguhnize you so hebby duh 


115 


LAGUERRE 


seddown een da' dignify place you bin hab one 
time, 'e gwine mek you bex, wehreas, ef Sistuh 
Fields tek'um, you ent gwine bex, 'cause Sistuh 
Fields nebbuh bin 'taguhnize you. En’, fudduhmo’, 
'e say 'e sorry him ebbuh bex you, 'cause you iz 
we pastuh, en’ de only somebody we hab fuh 'pen' 
'pun fuh be we shep’u'd, en’ sabe we sinful soul 
en' t'ing.” 

“'E say dat, enty? De 'ceitful t’ing." 

“Yaas, Reb’ren', dat wuh 'e say. En’, mo'obuh, 
'e tell Sistuh Fields, suh him en' de 'Syety lub 
you, en’ 'e say befo’ him will ho’t you feelin's, 
him mo’ redduh fun t’row’way alltwo de place, 
'cause him lub you tummuch!" 

“Yeddy de 'ceitful Satan! Yeddy'um!" 

“ 'E 'ceitful, fuh true, 'cause befo' dem git 
home, Sistuh Chizzum' hoe done root da’ Wice- 
Prezzy dent out Sistuh Fields' head, en’ 'e jam da' 
Prezzy dent een'um, en' him tek de Wice fuh 
'eself. Da' 'ooman done fuh schemy! Sistuh 
Fields bin hab da' t’ing een 'e mout’ sukkuh king- 
fishuh hab fish, en’ befo' him kin hice 'e head fuh 
swalluhr’um, Sistuh Chizzum snatch’um out 'e 
mout' en' gone!" 

“Yaas, en’ ef 'e yent min’, da’ same Wice gwine 
choke'um befo’ 'e git t'ru. You watch’um!" 

Tumbo’s sinister prediction was speedily veri¬ 
fied, for, before the week was over, if not a meet¬ 
ing of “the best minds," there was certainly a 


116 


“PLACE AUX DAMES” 

meeting of the kinkiest feminine heads on Slann’s 
Island, at the house of Sister Judy Chizzum, 
where the sonless daughters of the “I Will Arise” 
assembled to reorganize by the elevation of Sis¬ 
ters Bina Fields and Judy Chizzum, sometime 
Secretary-lady and Treasurer-lady of the Society, 
to the exalted positions of President and Vice- 
president, respectively; the first to fill the vacancy 
created by the explosive and tempestuous abdi¬ 
cation of Pa Tumbo, the second to clothe fittingly 
in feminine flesh the titular apple of discord, 
thrown among them—innocently or malevolently 
—by “Jedge” Laguerre. 

The night was close. The room was close, for 
Sister Chizzum’s living-room was none too large 
for the thirty seething sisters, who milled around 
like range cattle on the verge of a stampede, 
while their tongues clacked like the busy shuttles 
of a loom! 

Two kerosene lamps in diagonally opposite 
corners of the room, flared fitfully, for, however 
wise, otherwise, the virgins of the black sister¬ 
hood, when they trim their lamps, trim them 
smokily, and the yellow light that flickered over 
the dark faces was as dull as that of a murky 
winter’s sunset swiftly merging into dusk. 

And out of the dusk their round eyes shone 
like marbles—round with expectancy—they 


117 


LAGUERRE 


knew not what, for, novitiates in feminism, with¬ 
out a man, they were without a rudder. 

When Tumbo had originally organized the So¬ 
ciety, he had masterfully taken short cuts, with 
entire independence of Cushing’s Manual, Har¬ 
dee’s Tactics, or any other formulas whatsoever, 
civil or military, by simply naming himself Pres¬ 
ident, and Sisters Chizzum and Fields, Treasurer- 
lady and Secretary-lady, respectively, and then 
permitting the petticoated membership to elect 
them by acclamation. But now there was a dif¬ 
ference, for while they bowed their necks wil¬ 
lingly enough to the masculine yoke they would 
in no wise be borne upon by members of their 
own sex, and that is the way with women, on 
Toogoodoo as elsewhere, for breeks are breeks 
for a’ that—whether they be the doeskin trousers 
of Regent Street, the grass-cloth breech-clout of 
the Gaboon, or the nearer and dearer jeans 
“britchiz” of Slann’s Island! 

Sister Wineglass, a lady with a presence— 
cornfed women didn’t “bant” on Toogoodoo in 
those days—wriggled her way through the 
steaming sisters, and, by dint of many jabs of 
vigorous elbows in ribs that once were Adam’s, 
emerged from the ruck and took the floor. The 
floor shook! 

Sister Wineglass, arrayed not as Solomon, 
was, nathless, becomingly attired in a sprigged 


118 


“PLACE AUX DAMES ” 


calico. The sprigs were small and brown and 
thickly sown over the white ground of the fab¬ 
ric, and the broad expanse of the lady’s ample 
bosom, and more than ample hips, looked like the 
breast and quarters of an iron-gray, flea-bitten 
horse! 

When Mis’ Wineglass removed the masculine 
wool hat, whose wearing indicated the possession 
of a husband, more or less her own, she revealed 
a coiffure that aroused at once the envy and the 
chagrin of her fellows—envy of its stunning ap¬ 
pearance, and disappointment that none among 
them had thought of it first. 

In Laguerre’s day Yankee Negroes had not 
learned how to coin the kinkiness of Afro-Ameri¬ 
can heads into dollars, and no hair-straightening 
devices had ever been heard of in St. Paul’s 
Parish; but the heads of all self-respecting Ne¬ 
groes were frequently combed, and those of 
women and girl children were laboriously plaited 
into “pigtails” and tightly tied with strong white 
thread or small cotton cord. Strange that white 
should have been used, for coarse black spool 
cotton was sold everywhere. Perhaps ’twas for 
the sharp contrast while the thread was clean and 
white. It soon got black enough! 

The children’s pigtails were left in the plait 
until it pleased their elders to untwist, comb out, 
and do them up again, for the pigtails didn’t ac- 


119 


LAGUERRE 


cumulate dry leaves, feathers and sheepburrs; but 
those of the women were frequently unplaited and 
combed out into a greasy glory of kinkiness—a 
“permanent wave”—that would have whelmed 
with envy a fifty-dollar New York Coiffeur! 

Mis’ Wineglass had arranged “woman’s crown¬ 
ing glory” according to a plan of her own—en¬ 
tirely new to Toogoodoo. Some cell of African 
thought must have harked back two or three hun¬ 
dred years to the jungles of the Limpopo, for, 
parted in the middle, she had coiled her thick 
locks on either side in perfect imitation of the 
massive frontlet of a Cape Buffalo bull! And as 
the great horns went twisting backward they 
narrowed over the ears, ending at last in two 
tightly plaited points, wrapped and bound at the 
tails with coarse white thread. 

Easily the most physically impressive among 
the sisters, Mis’ Wineglass was mentally the most 
aggressive, and now as she thrust forward her 
horned frontlet as if about to charge, the gabble 
suddenly ceased, twenty-nine pairs of ears opened 
expectantly, and twenty-nine martyred mouths 
shut tight! She opened hers! 

“Wunnuh sistuh,” she began, “two week done 
pass sence Pa Tumbo t’row’way dishyuh ’Syety, 
en’ de ’Syety ent do nutt’n’ yit. Pa Tumbo en’ 
Jedge alltwo tell we fuh orguhnize’um fuh we- 
’self, but, ’stead’uh orguhnize, all we bin do iz 


120 


“PLACE AUX DAMES” 


fuh agguhnize en’ ’spute ’bout’um, en’ all de 
odduh Nigguh ’pun Toogoodoo, man en’ ’ooman, 
alltwo, duh laugh at we en’ say suh ’ooman ent 
wu’t* fuh hab no ’Syety, ’cep’ dem got man obuhr- 
’um fuh tell’um wuh fuh do en’ mek’um do’um! 
’E stan’ so, too, ’cause yuh we binnuh shif’ ’roun’, 
shif’ ’roun’, sukkuh fox-squerril sukkle ’roun’ 
pine tree w’en man duh folluhr’um! En’ weh 
we git? Weh we git? We yent git no place, 
’cause we git ’roun’ da’ tree to de same place weh 
we bin staa’t at de fus’! En’ we dey dey now!” 

“Weh da’ Prezz ydent we bin fuh hab? Weh ’e 
dey? Uh yeddy ’bout’um but Uh yent shum yit! 
En’ ef Uh yiz shum, him fuh hab on frock! Prez- 
z ydent fuh hab on frock! En’ ef ’e yiz hab on 
frock, da’ frock gwine tayre off’um befo’ ’e gitt- 
’ru, ’cause w’en two ’ooman quawl obuh one man, 
dem two ’ooman gwine hitch, sho’ ez Gawd, en’ 
dishyuh place dem duh ’spute ’bout got on man’ 
britchiz, enty? Berrywell.” 

Mis’ Wineglass paused for breath, but before 
she could take it, Sister Fields, upon whose loins 
the Presidential “britchiz” had been wished by 
Sister Chizzum, rose to remark: 

“Sistuh, wunnuh all, me nuh Sistuh Chizzum 
binnuh ’spute ’bout w’ich one fuh be Prezzy dent, 
en’ we didn’ able fuh ’gree, so we gone fuh see 
Jedge, en’ him tell we suh one kin be de Prezzy- 
denty en’ de t’odduh one kin be de Wice-Prezzy- 


121 


LAGUERRE 


dent —him iz de man wuh come een place w’en 
de Prezzy dent sick, eeduhso gone Town, en’, attuh 
Jedge tell we dat, me nuh Sistuh Chizzum ’spute 
’gen, ’bout de two place, same lukkuh we binnuh 
’spute at de fus’ ’bout de one place, ’tel, finully at 
las’, him ’suade me fuh be de Prezzy dent ’cause 
’e say him shame fuh seddown een Pa Tumbo’ 
place, so den Uh tek’um, en’ now me duh de head, 
en’ me hab de ’t’oruhty fuh dictate obuh all wun- 
nuh sistuh same ez ef Uh bin man.” 

“Man, de debble! Us fuh hab ’ooman obuh 
we; en’ him fuh call ’eself man! Who gi’ you 
shishuh prib’lidge lukkuh dat? Jedge tell you, 
enty? Ef him gi’ you man’ ’t’oruhty, him mus’- 
be gi’ you de britchiz fuh cya’um ’long, enty? 
Weh de britchiz? Leh we shum! Leh we 
shum!” 

But Mis’ Wineglass called in vain for the 
bifurcated symbol of the lordly male, and Sister 
Fields resumed. 

“Wunnuh kin fuss ’bout hab ’ooman ’puntop 
wunnuh fuh dictate obuh de ’Syety, but ef you 
ent hab him, you ent fuh hab nobody, ’cause no 
man iz fuh git. En’ now we done orguhnize, so 
all us hab fuh do iz fuh git de tredjuh-box en’ 
staa’t fuh pit money een’um. W’en Pa Tumbo bin 
de Prezz ydent en’ Sistuh Chizzum bin de Tredjur- 
uh lady him en’ Pa Tumbo ’taguhnize one’nurruh 
’bout da’ tredjuh-box ’tel de ’Syety bruk’up, en’ 


122 


“PLACE AUX DAMES” 

Pa Tumbo lef 9 we bedout no man to we name. So 
now, me, one, fuh be de Prezzy dent en’ de Tred- 
juruh-lady alltwo. Uh know berry well Uh yent 
fuh ’spute wid meself ’bout no money, so de 
’Syety ent fuh ractify no mo’!” 

But this short-cut to concord was promptly 
challenged by the now treasureless Tredjuruh- 
lady, who had hoped to combine the offices of 
Vice-President and financial agent to her prestige 
and profit. Sister Chizzum rose wrathfully. 

“Who tell you dat? Drat de ’ooman! Attuh 
Uh done mek’um Prezzydent, now him fuh tek 
me tredjuh-box ’way frum me! Drat de ’ooman! 
’E yent wu’t’!” 

“Shet you mout’, ’ooman, shet you mout’! You 
hab de no’mannus fuh eentuhrup’ you Prezzy- 
dent en’ drat’um, alltwo! Who gi’ you prib’lidge 
fuh crack you teet’ w’en him duh talk?” 

“Crack me teet’! Crack me teet’! Gawd 
gimme prib’lidge fuh crack me teet’! Him mek 
me mout’, enty? Him gwine be op’n ’tel Uh 
dead, en’ no ’ooman, needuhso no man, ent fuh 
shet’um. ’E yent fuh shet!” The sisters 
promptly agreed. 

“En’ who you iz fuh tell de Wice-PrezzydenZ 
fuh shet ’e mout’? Enty you know Uh stan’ high 
mo’nuh you? De Wice-PrezzydewZ rise high mo’- 
nuh de Prezzydent. Him iz two man, en’ de 
Prezzy dent ent but one, so de Wice hab prib’lidge 


123 


LAGUERRE 


fuh talk fus\ En’ now ’ooman you shet yo ’ 
mout’, 'cause me iz fuh talk fus’!” 

The suspicion that Judy had wheedled her out 
of the Vice-Presidency, intending to claim for 
this title, unknown on Toogoodoo, some super- 
Presidential prerogative, was too much for Bina, 
and she flew at the presumptuous one like a barn¬ 
yard rooster at a feathered rival! 

The ladies came together grimly but silently. 
There was a rending of raiment, a quick clawing 
of faces, and a spiteful pulling of wool, but the 
other sisters clustered so closely around the com¬ 
batants as to restrict their sea-room, and they 
were quickly torn asunder. 

Then, out of the troubled waters—an Aphro¬ 
dite in a sprigged calico—uprose once more, 
Mis' Wineglass, who voiced the thought that 
lurked in all their hearts! 

“Wunnuh sistuh,” she said, “we iz ’ooman, 
enty? How we fuh git ’long bedout man? We 
cyan’ do’um. Ebbuh sence Pa Tumbo lef’ we 
de po’ ’ooman een dishyuh ’Syety bin tanglety 
up wid one’nurruh same lukkuh snake twis’up 
w’en dem duh fight! De snake’ head en’ ’e tail 
stan’ so close togedduh, you cyan’ tell w’ich one 
duh swalluh t’odduh one! En’ all dese drat 
’ooman stan’ same fashi’n! 

“Wunnuh gal, us haffuh hab man! Drat de 
man! Drat all de man! You lub’um en’ you 


124 


“PLACE AUX DAMES” 

’spize’um alltwo onetime. ’E yent wu’t’, but you 
haffuh hab’um! So now, leh we ax Pa Tumbo 
fuh come back en’ dictate fuh we lukkub him bin 
do at de fus’, en’ us nebbuh fuh bex’um no mo’!” 

The motion was carried by acclamation, and 
ended abruptly the first Slann’s Island move to- 
ward feminism! 


125 


THE CRUSADER AND THE COW 

At the very threshold of October the rains, 
that for a week had followed the autumnal equi¬ 
nox, suddenly ceased and the sun shouldered his 
way through the broken clouds and poured his 
splendor upon field and forest, wide marshes, and 
the winding river. And his warmth brought 
comfort to the sodden earth and to the heavy 
hearts of men—the scattered planters and the 
swarming black folk of the sea-islands and the 
coastal plantations of the mainland, for, lacking 
the serene faith of modern meteorologists, they 
had not then—nor have they yet—learned to 
look for halcyon days around the 23rd of Sep¬ 
tember! They did not know anything about the 
swing of the great pendulum with the changing 
seasons, but they did know winds when they blew, 
and whelming waters when they rose and swept 
away their crops, so when at last the flying 
cloud-wrack that had blown so steadily out of 
the east had passed on, with its spiteful, spitting 
rain, their fears passed with it, and with light 
hearts they looked upon a smiling world. 

In a few hours the thirsty sun drank up the 
moisture that weighted down each drooping leaf, 
each bending spear of grass, each heavy-petaled 
flower. Then glossy leaf and pointed spear and 


127 


LAGUERRE 


heavy-petaled flower looked up again and said, 
“ ’tis day! ’tis day!” 

And the glistening needles that topped the 
towering pines shone more brilliantly, and the 
rain-washed boles of the great trees were purple 
in the sunlight, and as far as the pineland 
stretched the forest floor was covered for miles 
with a carpet fresh from the looms of God, the 
rich and exquisite colorings of which would have 
shamed Sheherezade and all the magic rugs woven 
by her marvelous imagination. Into the dominant 
red of the low oak scrub were interwoven sprays 
and leaves of bronze and green and brown, and 
flower patterns of splendid purples, and blues 
and yellows. 

With the passing of the clouds, the birds, 
native and migrant, dried their rain-drenched 
feathers, and burst into song—each after his 
kind. In the evenings, warblers, brief sojourn¬ 
ers, on their way to winter quarters in the far 
south, whistled sweet farewells; flycatchers, 
from high perches atop dead limbs and snags, 
pitched and vaulted at the insect life that 
swarmed about them, while, also taking toll from 
the gauze-winged legions of the air, purple mar¬ 
tins wheeled and curvetted and charged, by com¬ 
panies and squadrons. 

Here and there along the creeks and rivers, 
blasted trunks stood sentinel, and from their 


128 


THE CRUSADER AND THE COW 


jagged tops crested kingfishers scanned the flow¬ 
ing tides for the swirl of rising fish, one stoop¬ 
ing to the surface from time to time as the water 
broke, rising to his perch again to swallow his 
prey, or, if the quarry that had tempted him sub¬ 
merged again, or looked too formidable for his 
strength, flying along the stream to another post, 
rattling his disappointment. 

In leafy copses, ruddy now with the fires of 
autumn, the liquid songs of catbirds mingled 
with their querulous scoldings, while from tree- 
top, shrub and fence stake, mocking-birds— 
spendthrift ministers of song—poured out their 
golden notes. 

From open pineland and deep forest the tap¬ 
ping and hammering of woodpeckers, great and 
small—the swift roll of musketry, the slow and 
measured pounding of heavy guns—came as 
from a distant battlefield. Partridges whistled 
from briar-thickets and tangled fence corners, 
and swift doves passed from field to field, hurt¬ 
ling, as evening fell, to their roosts in the myrtles 
and thick saplings. 

The clean freshness of the rain-washed world; 
the genial sunshine, the bracing autumn air, 
seemed to bring new life to every living thing— 
tree and shrub and flower, man and bird and 
beast: save only Laguerre, who, slouched down 
in the comfortable seat of the buckboard, mut- 


129 


LAGUERRE 


tered deep imprecations upon an innocent 
creature grazing in a distant pasture, while his 
faithful servitor, Scipio, flicked his whiplash 
lightly over Zouave’s flanks, as, at a walk, the 
lean stallion pulled the buggy through the deep 
sand of a heavy stretch of road, while, as he pulled, 
the narrow steel tires and the sand through 
which they tracked sang in low whisperings, as 
if there came from far away the crash of billows 
on the shore. How many solitary travelers on 
lonely Low-country roads, have been soothed as 
they drove slowly through the sand by whisper¬ 
ings that fell upon the spirit as softly as the wind 
among the pines! 

“Damn the cow! Damn the cow!” growled the 
lord of Slann’s Island, gritting his teeth and 
frowning savagely. 

“Dat’s so, Maussuh,” agreed his henchman. 

“Damn the cow! Damn the bull! Damn the 
calf!” 

“Yaas, Maussuh,” said the comforter. “Cuss- 
’um, Maussuh! Cuss de whole fambly. Cuss ’e 
hawn, en’ ’e foot, en’ ’e tail, all-t’ree. ’E do you 
good fuh cuss’um!” 

He did, and it did, for when Laguerre had un¬ 
loaded from his spleen and loaded upon his soul 
an outfit of expletives that would have ripped the 
rind from a scaly-bark hickory, he was once 
more at peace with the world and came again 


130 


THE CRUSADER AND THE COW 


into the fellowship of man! His screwed-up face 
relaxed, the tawny thatch of his penthouse brows; 
the hairs of his sweeping mustache, that but now 
had bristled “like quills upon the fretful porpen- 
tine” resumed their normal curves, and a smile 
as soft as a little child’s crept furtively over his 
hawk-like visage. Gradually it spread and 
broadened into a sudden laugh, as Scipio paid his 
tribute—received as gratefully as a kneeling 
knight his accolade! 

“Maussuh,” said he, “you do’um fine! W’en 
you call da’ cow en’ ’e fambly out ’e name, you 
nebbuh fuhgit nutt’n’! You ’membuhr’um all! 
Ef da’ cow coulduh yeddy’um jis’ ez ’e come out 
you mout’, da’ cow nebbuh fuh hab no peace no 
mo’! Ebb’ry time ’e ’toop ’e head down fuh bite 
grass, him fuh t’ink cucklebuhr en’ briah dey 
een ’e mout’, ’cause, w’en man’ yez duh bu’n, him 
mout’ gwine bittuh, Uh dunkyuh ef ’e got muh- 
lassis een’um; en’ ef him bin hab chance fuh 
yeddy dem wu’d en’ t’ing wuh you t’row ’puntop- 
’um, Maussuh, da’ cow’ yez fuh bu’n sukkuh roz- 
zum tree bu’n een de dry-drought w’en fiah git- 
’way een de pinelan’! ’Cause w’en you cuss da’ 
cow you nebbuh shayre’um out. You g’em all 
wuh blonx to’um, en’ den you heap’up de medjuh 
’tel ’e run obuh! Maussuh, Uh tell you de trute, 
w’en ’e come to cuss, Uh nebbuh see nobody free- 
han’ wid ’e mout’ lukkuh you!” 


131 


LAGUERRE 


Laguerre smiled reminiscently as he thought 
upon the events of the morning that had touched 
a match to the tinder of his irascible temper 
and, feeling that he had done all a biped with 
only whiskers could do against a quadruped with 
horns and a tail, he was not displeased with him¬ 
self. 

After breakfast on the eventful morning, 
“Jedge” sat on his front piazza enjoying the sun¬ 
shine and the landscape, and listening to the voices 
of the wild creatures that came to him from 
forest and field and marsh—mingled with them 
the occasional bleating of sheep and the lowing of 
cattle from a distant pasture. “Jedge,” drows¬ 
ing the hours away until the time should come 
for hitching up and starting for his pineland 
assizes, suddenly bethought him that a milk 
punch would be just the thing to tune up the 
judicial mind to meet the legal problems that 
were probably awaiting solution. If there were 
none, so much the better, but there might be, and 
Laguerre took no chances. “Animis opibusque 
parati;” and—after all, a punch was a punch. 

With characteristic impulsiveness “Jedge” 
jumped up, almost upsetting the rustic rock¬ 
ing chair in his haste to be at his pleasant 
task. There was no ice on the plantation, but 
there was a big shaker with which to bring the 
punch to the creamy foaminess of new ale (ah, 


132 


THE CRUSADER AND THE COW 


the good old days!) sugar and nutmeg were in 
the storeroom, and a nutmeg-grater, while in a 
stone jug in the dark closet—a darkness through 
which Laguerre’s feet led him unerringly to his 
goal—there was still a shake left of the old yel¬ 
low corn whiskey. With loving care, with in¬ 
finite tenderness; reverentially, as one ap¬ 
proaches a sacrament, Laguerre brought these 
things to the dining room and assembled them 
upon the table. Into a tall cut-glass tumbler he 
poured the gentlemanly “three fingers” of the 
Low-country planter, and then, as he really had 
four fingers, which he loved equally well, he 
poured another, which, remembering his occa¬ 
sional relation to the law, he conceived to be both 
equity and justice. And then, as the palm of 
the hand was, after all, a fairer and—for a man 
whose fingers tapered—a more liberal measure, 
he poured a little more! 

Sure then that he had done himself no injus¬ 
tice in respect to whiskey, Laguerre took thought 
for milk, the next essential ingredient, but a 
brief search assured him there was none in the 
house. What could he do? He heard a cow 
lowing in a small pasture near by, but how could 
he get the milk? All the other members of his 
family were abroad for the morning and there 
was no servant within call. Even old Scipio, 
faithful man of all work, was away, search- 


133 


LAGUERRE 


ing for Zouave at the far end of the big pasture. 
Laguerre knew how to milk, but milking was no 
work for a man! Certainly not for a Hugue¬ 
not and a gentleman! Should he, the descend¬ 
ant of Crusaders, squat on an empty soap-box or 
a three-legged stool like any plump and stodgy 
dairy-maid, stick his aristocratic head against 
the flank of a confounded cow, and squeeze her 
unresponsive udder for a cupful of reluctant 
milk? Certainly not—not by a jugful! Yet, 
there was the jug, nearly empty, and there was 
the tall tumbler whose amber spirit beckoned, 
and called coaxingly for nutmeg, sugar and milk! 

Laguerre heard the call, and, as there was no¬ 
body about to witness his compromise with dig¬ 
nity, he took a cedar “piggin” from the pantry 
shelf, and went forth in a spirit of exaltation, 
sure that He who sat in majesty beyond the stars 
would not judge too harshly a lordly male who 
descended from the high Olympus of his amour 
propre to milk a cow! 

On his way through the yard to the pasture 
Laguerre picked up an old soap-box to serve as a 
milking stool, and, coming to the bars, he let 
them down and turned the cow into the lot where 
the waiting calf greeted her with the disinter¬ 
ested affection customarily shown by those who 
receive, to those who yield, the milk! 

The cow, already milked in the morning, had 


134 


THE CRUSADER AND THE COW 


very little milk to yield, and for that the lusty 
calf made play after the manner of his kind, with 
many bumpings and bulfetings of the maternal 
fount. Meanwhile, “man, proud man,” seeing how 
the wind lay, and realizing that the calf, on all 
fours with the cow, was in the position of a 
country with a “favored nation” clause in its 
treaty, quickly placed his soap-box in strategic 
position on the starboard side of the cow, sat 
down, clamped the piggin tightly between his 
knees, and began to dispute with the calf for po- 
session of the slippery teats. 

The calf was a sturdy disputant. A cross of 
Ayrshire blood had bred into his marrow a touch 
of Scottish stubbornness, and he fought for his 
teats as tenaciously as a Covenanter for the 
tenets of his faith. But Laguerre was game, 
and in spite of bruised and slobbered knuckles 
that brought muttered imprecations from his 
wrathful lips, two tiny streams trickled intermit¬ 
tently into the yawning piggin from the lacteal 
fount, covering the bottom and giving promise of 
coming in time to a tumblerful—when, out of a 
clear sky, tragedy stalked upon the stage! 

Youth—God bless it!—is exuberant, and as 
lads in Boy-Scout sizes chatter assiduously 
around a flapper's skirts, so the young lords of 
the barnyard, just learning to crow, try the 
charms of their uncertain pipes upon all wear- 


135 


LAGUERRE 


ers of feminine feathers that flutter in the vicin¬ 
age. True, their reedy efforts are usually off 
key, and sharp at that, for, whatever the scope of 
the feminine larynx, neither man nor cockerel 
can hold the key with a frog in his throat; but 
pullets are patient—they have to be—and in time 
the fowl swallows the frog and comes into his 
own. And what is true of these two vain strut¬ 
ting bipeds applies with equal force to the un¬ 
bashful bull! 

In the home pasture of Laguerre, at the mo¬ 
ment the Crusader was consigning the cow’s for¬ 
bears and her present and future progeny to 
everlasting torment, and including in the sweep¬ 
ing condemnation the entire Bos family, a mem¬ 
ber of the clan, an adolescent male, was parading 
about, trying his voice on the cow, the calf, and 
anything else that might be within the magic of 
its sound. ’Twas not very much of a voice, for 
a bull, for it lay well within the treble clef, and 
could approach no nearer masculinity than a 
tenor, at best a light baritone, and its quavering 
plaintive break was very pathetic. 

Not much of a voice, but not much of a bull, 
for, just crossing the borderland that lay be¬ 
tween veal and beef, he was the nondescript the 
Low-country calls “Harrydick.” But even if 
Harry had known what they called him, he 
wouldn’t have cared, for he knew that if the black 


136 


THE CRUSADER AND THE COW 


rievers didn’t slaughter him in the swamp to 
make a Christmas holiday, he would be a bull bye 
and bye; meanwhile he was having the time of 
his life, pawing dirt and shrieking in a falsetto 
that, all right as to tempo, was as unmelodious 
as a cracked B-flat clarinet in a Tannhaeuser or¬ 
chestra ! 

At last, as the milk in Laguerre’s piggin rose 
almost to the mark he had set as his goal, the 
high pitched complainings of the little bull got 
on his nerves. Himself a tenor, perhaps he re¬ 
sented the competition, but, whatever impulse 
moved him, he turned his head toward the bars 
to tell the creature what he thought of him. The 
cow’s tail was toward the bars, and at the mo¬ 
ment the milker turned, a sudden impulse moved 
her to switch the tail, whose tuft, stuck full of 
early sheep-burrs, whisked across his face. 

Exploding like a pack of firecrackers, La- 
guerre sprang to his feet with a sudden move¬ 
ment that upset the piggin between his knees and 
spilled the precious milk. The astonished cow 
was off and away, but not until her wrathful 
master had smitten her with the empty piggin 
and had thrown the soap-box after her for good 
measure. Then, his anger yet unappeased, he 
rushed into the house, to emerge a moment later, 
gun in hand, for the discipline of both cow and 
bull. He wouldn’t go so far as to kill them. 


137 


LAGUERRE 


His anger was not deep enough for that, but he 
felt that a peppering in the hindquarters with 
bird shot, would satisfy wounded honor and 
soothe the Gallic spirit. 

Beyond the pasture bars the little bull still 
moaned, and thither the outraged cow, her ribs 
yet tingling from the impact of the piggin, 
turned for sympathy and companionship. The 
calf, having taken all she had to give, showed no 
further interest in the giver—as is the way with 
calves—sometimes with men—and turned away 
to nibble grass. 

As the Crusader—now would-be matador—got 
within easy range of his intended victims, they 
moved so close together as to offer hope of sprink¬ 
ling them both with a single fire, but his passion 
called for more, and as their quarters presented 
a tempting target, he cocked and leveled his 
Greener and pulled both tender triggers simul¬ 
taneously, bracing himself for the double kick, 
whose recalcitrance he felt would do him good! 
But there was no more kick in the Greener that 
day than in a mug of “Xi of one per cent.” that 
had been personally inspected and smelled-over 
by a committee of the “unco’ guid!” Not a cap 
popped to cheer his spirit. Even such mimic 
explosions would have helped, for, to men of La- 
guerre’s temperament, wrath that cannot be ex- 


138 


THE CRUSADER AND THE COW 


pressed in sound, is no wrath at all to speak of— 
certainly none to boast about! 

Laguerre’s percussion caps were none of the 
best, and the long wet spell had so dampened the 
ardor of the fulminating powder that ’twas as 
free from latent fire, as incapable of sparking, 
as a hen-pecked and uxorious husband! So, 
when the graceful hammers fell, there was only 
the dull sound of tempered steel upon crimped 
copper, and a thoroughly disgusted Crusader, re¬ 
straining an impulse to throw the gun at the 
cow, returned dejectedly to the house, where the 
sugar, the nutmeg, and the tall tumbler with its 
four fingers of liquid comfort (why do men 
speak of “solid comfort?”) awaited him. 

Why should man need milk—tipple for babes 
and women? He didn’t, and as “Jedge” mixed 
his stiff grog and drank it, he felt himself more 
of a man for his independence of the pallid fluid, 
and by the time old Scipio had brought in and 
hitched up Zouave, the master of Slann’s Island 
was on as good terms with himself as mellow 
men usually are. 

But his mellowness did not, like a merry heart, 
go all the way, for, by the time the buckboard tires 
sang to the deep sands of the heavy stretch near¬ 
ing Toogoodoo bridge, the cider of his spirit had 
turned to vinegar, until, encouraged by Scipio, 
he “cussed” himself out and came again to peace. 


139 


LAGUERRE 


The second case called by Cud jo Hawlback, 
court crier, a short time after the opening of 
Court at high noon, was a dispute between 
Caesar Wineglass and the buxom wife of his 
bosom, the masterful Mis’ Wineglass whose im¬ 
pressive personality had influenced the sisters of 
the temporarily expurgated Society of the “I 
Will Arise” to turn again to man, and recall Pa 
Tumbo to rule over them. The dispute involved, 
not only the Wineglasses—now almost brittle 
enough to break—but a Jewish merchant on Wad- 
malaw island, a chattel mortgage, and—an ox! 

The ox, patient, useful, unassertive creature, 
whom no calf calls father, is well enough, and, 
beyond the Black Border, none calls him “out of 
his name”; but on Toogoodoo the ox, like the bull, 
is “cow”—a term including horned and hornless 
cattle of all ages, sexes, and modifications! So, 
when old Scipio, knowing the present tenseness 
of his master’s nerves in respect to the Bos fam¬ 
ily, heard what the dispute was about, he scented 
trouble, and advised the disputants to postpone 
the case until a more propitious occasion when, 
perchance, the magisterial mind might “set fair.” 

“Budduh,” the old man advised, “you bettuh 
tek care how you call cow’ name een dishyuh co’t 
yuh teday, ’cause Maussuh ent got no appetite fuh 
yeddy nutt’n’ ’bout cow. Ef you call ’e name you 


140 


THE CRUSADER AND THE COW 


gwine git een trouble, sho' ez crab hab claw! 
Cow duh him pizen, dis day!” 

“Hukkuh dat?” he was asked. 

“Comeyuh, lemme tell you;” and drawing the 
persons interested to the edge of the crowd, out 
of earshot of the court, he began. 

“Dis mawnin', attuh Maussuh gitt'ru 'e brek- 
wus’, him binnuh seddown 'pun 'e pyazzuh duh 
study. Nobody dey home 'cep' him, one, 'cause 
Missis, dem, gone out fuh wisit, en' me bin gone 
to de pastuh fuh ketch Zooab fuh pit een de 
buggy fuh come yuh. Berry well. 

“Bumbye, Maussuh biggin fuh t'u'sty. Him 
ent t’us'ty fuh watuh. No, man! Maussuh' well 
deep, but him nebbuh bodduh da' t'ing 'cep' 'e 
t'row uh leetle tetch een'um out da' jug een de 
sto'room. En' de mo’ Maussuh t'u'sty de mo' 
'e h'aa’t hankuh attuh da' t'ing Buckruh mek out- 
uh milk en’ sugar en' brandy en' t'ing. Maussuh 
nebbuh lub fuh milk no cow, but he h'aa’t so 
strong fuh da' t'ing, en' nobody dey dey fuh git 
de milk, 'cep' 'e gitt'um fuh 'eself, 'tel Maussuh 
tek de piggin off de shelf en' 'e gone een de yaa'd 
fuh milk.” 

“Ki!” said Mis’ Wineglass, “Uh wish Uh could- 
uh shum! Jedge too dignify fuh milk cow.” 

“ 'E dignify, fuh true, but sometime w'en man 
t'u'sty, 'e t'row'way da' dignify, enty? 

“So Jedge him squat down 'pun de box, 'e 


141 


LAGUERRE 


butt 'e head een de cow’ flank, en’ him en' da’ calf 
fight fuh de leely bit uh milk wuh de cow got. 
Him en' de calf! Jedge 'pun de one side, calf 
'pun de t'odduh! But Jedge binnuh do berry 
well 'tel da' leetle yellin' bull een de pastuh big¬ 
gin fuh holluh. 'E woice ent wu't', fuh no bull, 
but him lub fuh yeddy'um, en’ 'e belluh so swif', 
'tel, bumbye, Maussuh bex, 'cause him nebbuh 
lub fuh yeddy nobody talk 'cep him, one!" 

“Bull kin talk?” 

“Yaas, 'e talk. Bull iz man, enty? En' Maus¬ 
suh t'ink none de man' woice ent wu’t' 'cep' him- 
own; so, jis’ ez Maussuh tu’n 'e head fuh cuss 
de bull, de cow tek notion fuh twitch 'e tail, en’ 
'e ketch Maussuh 'cross 'e face. Ki! Maussuh 
jump up lukkuh him binnuh seddown een wawss 
nes'! De pyo’ bex rise’um! De milk t'row- 
'way, 'e knock de cow wid 'e piggin, en' 'e run een 
'e house fuh git gun fuh shoot de cow en’ de bull 
alltwo.” 

“Ki! Shoot 'e own cow! Buckruh iz uh dain- 
jus t’ing!” 

“But, t’engk-gawd, de gun nebbuh bin gone off, 
'cause de we'dduh bin wet de cap en' dem couldn' 
speci fy, so him nebbuh shoot no cow, needuhso 
no bull; en' attuhw’ile Jedge gone een 'e house, 
'e drink 'e dram en’ 'e git peaceubble 'gen, but, 
ef you tek my exwice, you nebbuh call no cow 
name yuh teday!” 


142 


THE CRUSADER AND THE COW 

But masterful woman, however willing to give, 
was not willing to take “sage advices,” and when 
her case was called Mis’ Wineglass started—but 
only started: “Jedge, Uh come fuh see you ’bout 
dishyuh cow—” 

“Cow!” stormed the court, “Cow! Damn the 
cow!” and he postponed the hearing and pro¬ 
ceeded with other cases involving no mention 
of the forbidden name. 


143 














THE CRITIC ON THE HEARTH 


“Thank God for friends and kindred—they 
keep us humble!” 

The cynic was a philosopher and realized that 
through criticism comes sometimes self-examina¬ 
tion; self-analysis. If the criticism be just and 
the spirit be strong enough to see the truth, it 
comes out fine and clean; if unjust, the spirit is 
stronger in the knowledge, for in the final analy¬ 
sis man deals with himself alone, and, sure of 
himself, he can laugh the world to scorn—as he 
sometimes does! 

But criticism, to be helpful, must be just and 
kindly and the critic must have the unquestioned 
right to criticise—a right by no means inhering 
in all men—or in all women! 

So it was that Caesar Wineglass, husband of 
Mis’ Wineglass, whose dominant personality had 
thrust Pa Tumbo back into the tumultuous 
bosoms of the thirty sisters of the “I Will Arise,” 
was abroad on a bright October day, trying to 
find in the painted forests, the flowered fields, 
the wind-swept open pastures, surcease from the 
clatter of his own hearthstone, whereon, with 
legs out-spread in manly fashion, arms akimbo, 
and back to the fire, the wife of his bosom had 
stood, off and on, during the waking hours of 
three successive days, telling Caesar what she 


145 


LAGUERRE 


thought of him, and then, lest he forget, telling 
him all over again, as is sometimes the way with 
those whom God hath appointed to admonish man! 

Over the marshes, up in the hazy blue, fish- 
crows “mustered,” alternately sailing and flap¬ 
ping, wheeling and crossing, in the fantastic 
evolutions of an aerial Virginia reel, drawling 
their disagreeable notes. Lower down, flapping 
questioningly over field and forest, taking note, 
and taking toll of ripened corn and ripening 
acorns, their congeners the common crows cawed 
cheerfully. 

As to the merits and demerits of this sable fel¬ 
low, ornithologists and agriculturists are in hope¬ 
less disagreement, the scientist holding his des¬ 
truction of noxious insects to be worth far more 
to the farmer than the little corn he destroys, but 
the farmer, a practical man, doesn’t see the bugs, 
real or theoretical, in the crow’s crop, while he 
does see the uprooted corn; so he shoots the pro¬ 
tegee of the ornithologist—when he can—and ties 
him to a tall stake in his corn field as a terrible 
example. 

But, whether helpful or harmful, the Negro, 
bothered with no scientific theories, judges for 
himself. He knows that crows often harry de¬ 
structive hawks and drive them away from his 
chickens, and that’s in his favor; on the other 
hand he knows that the crow pulls corn, pulls it 


146 


THE CRITIC ON THE HEARTH 


destructively, so unless he can get coal-tar with 
which to coat the seed corn and make it crow- 
proof, he, also, tries to get the crow, and hang him 
up. 

But whatever the crow's economic relation to 
the Gullah, socially he is a boon companion, a 
fellow-black whom he often denounces jocularly, 
as “Nigguh!” while at other times he borrows 
his name, without a by-your-leave, to indicate a 
brother of particularly dark pigmentation. 

And now the alert, cheery and impersonal chat¬ 
ter of the crows fell soothingly upon Caesar's ear, 
and calmed his tortured spirit. He knew they 
were scolding, but not at him, thank God, and 
for that he was grateful—grateful as only he can 
be, who, lonely among men, finds solace and 
companionship in solitude, with his own thoughts 
among the wild creatures whom God hath not 
made in His image! 

A crow flew slowly over, circled and lit on the 
top of a pine nearby. 

“Caw! Caw!" 

“Mawnin', budduh! Uh yeddy you." 

“Caw! Caw! Caw!" 

“Yaas! Yaas! Yaas!" 

“Caw! Caw! Caw! Caw!" 

“Now you duh talk! Tell we 'bout'um budduh, 
tell we 'bout’um. De 'ooman bin onrabble 'e mout' 
at you, enty?" 


147 


LAGUERRE 


“Caw! Caw!” 

“Uh t'aw’t so! Yaas, da’ jis' de way 'e stan', 
en' me yez stan’ same fashi’n lukkuh you'own. 
'E full’up wid , ooman , mout’!” 

“Caw! Caw! Caw!” 

“You ax me wuh de 'ooman bex 'bout, enty? 
'E bex 'bout nutt'n'! 'E bex 'cause him is 
'ooman en' Gawd mek 'ooman fuh bex, so man 
kin crucify! Da' w'ymekso de 'ooman bex!” 

“Caw! Caw! Caw! Caw!” 

“Aye! Aye! You ax m’e w’ymekso Uh yent 
knock'um, ef de 'ooman so mischeebus, enty? 
Budduh! Lemme tell you. Da' 'ooman ent fuh 
knock. 'E too hebby! You nebbuh shum, enty?” 

“Caw! Caw!” 

“Uh t'aw’t so, 'cause da' 'ooman strong turn- 
much! 'E strong ez cow! Ef Uh hadduh bin 
know een exwance how strong da' 'ooman stan', 
Uh nebbuh woulduh hab'um fuh wife. 'E too 
dainjus! Now, 'e too late. Uh git ketch een de 
trap, en' Uh cyan’ git'way. De 'ooman ent got 
no use fuh me, needuhso me ent got no use fuh 
him, en' stillyet de debble’ub'uh 'ooman wunt tu'n 
me loose! Him cuntrady to dat!” 

“Caw! Caw! Caw!” 

“Yaas, 'e yiz. You talk trute. Dat puhzac'ly 
how 'e yiz. En', budduh, now you know how de 
t'ing stan', tell me wuh fuh do. Wuhebbuh you 
exwise me fuh do wid de 'ooman, Uh gwine do'um, 


148 


THE CRITIC ON THE HEARTH 


ef Uh kin, 'cause Uh know crow hab sense 
mo'nuh Nigguh.” 

“Caw! Caw! Caw! Caw!” 

“Budduh, stop tell me fuh lick da' 'ooman! 
Enty Uh tell you 'e yent fuh lick? You wan' me 
fuh dead, enty? Uh t’aw’t you bin me frien'!” 

“Caw! Caw!” 

“Now you duh talk! You gimme good exwice 
dis time, en' Uh gwine fuh see Jedge same lukkuh 
you tell me fuh do. Well, so long, budduh. You 
iz crow fuh true, but you woice sweet'n me yez, 
attuh all da' pizen de 'ooman pit een’um. You 
wash'um out clean! You do me heap'uh good, 
tengk-gawd!” 

“Caw! Caw! Caw!” And the crow was gone. 

On the preceding Saturday Caesar's wife, not 
above suspicion of a Jewish merchant on Wad- 
malaw from whom she had bought an ox, giving 
a chattel mortgage for part of the purchase price, 
had brought the ox, the merchant, and Caesar, 
as a witness, before Laguerre's court for an ad¬ 
justment of the warring interests, but Laguerre, 
having had a misunderstanding with the family 
milch cow during the morning, was indisposed to 
hear any causes involving the ownership of horned 
cattle, and dismissed the case forthwith. The 
merchant returned to the island whose compre¬ 
hensive name suggested at once shotguns, mater¬ 
nity and litigation, the ox was turned out to 


149 


LAGUERRE 


grass, and Mis’ Wineglass returned to her hearth, 
whereon she chirped so blithely, that on this 
Tuesday morning, Caesar broke bounds, followed 
the ox and turned himself out to grass, and came 
in time to the friendly companionship of crows! 

Taking his foot in his hand, Caesar took the 
road and came to Laguerre’s house at noon—a 
most propitious time, for “Jedge” had just poured 
out a generous four fingers from the jug and, add¬ 
ing water, sugar and nutmeg, had mixed a tall 
tumblerful of the old-fashioned toddy that always 
brought a reminiscent smile to his face, as if his 
mind harked back to pleasant dreams of the long 
ago. These were the kindly moods of a volatile 
and irascible man, well known to those who came 
in contact with him, and to the entire Negro 
community, as well, for from these black folk 
little is hidden of the lives and characteristics of 
the few whites who live among them. 

So, knowing that the safest time to approach 
“Jedge” was when, with half closed eyes he 
leaned back in his rocking chair on the piazza 
and slowly sipped his fragrant tipple, Caesar 
doffed his hat, pulled his wool, and deferentially 
approached the Presence. 

“Jedge, suh, da’ 'ooman wuh Uh got fuh wife— 
you know'um, suh, 'cause ef you nebbuh bin shum, 
you mus’be bin yeddy'um! Ebb’rybody haffuh 
yeddy'um, 'cause mout' duh him name! Well, 


150 


THE CRITIC ON THE HEARTH 


suh, da' ’ooman tangle ’eself up wid da’ Jew 
sto’keepuh ’puntop Wadmuhlaw ’bout uh leetle 
oxin wuh ’e buy. De ’ooman mek baa’gin fuh 
pay’um t’irteen dolluh fuh de creetuh, puhwid’n’ 
him kin speci fy, but de Jew say ef de oxin too 
light fuh pull de plow, him willin’ fuh tek off 
free dolluh frum de ten, en’ him will sattify fuh 
tek seb’n dolluh fuh de odduhres’ wuh jue on de 
oxin. 

“Jedge, da’ duh de wu’d wuh come out de Jew’ 
mout’, but de papuh wuh ’e tie ’puntop de oxin 
ent stan’ so. ’E nebbuh call no seb’n dolluh name. 
Ten dolluh duh all da’ papuh duh talk ’bout.” 

“How do you know what the paper said?” 
Laguerre asked. “Can you read?” 

“No, suh, Jedge, Uh cyan’ read, but las’ Sat- 
tyday w’en you bin bex ’cause de ’ooman call cow’ 
name, de Jew fetch de papuh to we house, en’ 
him read’um out loud, en’, Jedge, w’en Uh yed- 
dy’um Uh bin tarrify, ’cause Uh nebbuh yeddy no 
wu’d lukkuh dat befo’! De papuh say de Jew fuh 
hab’um, en’ hol’um alltwo, en’ all shishuh t’ing 
lukkuh dat, den ’e say de Jew fuh hoi’ de ’ooman’ 
hair fuhrebbuh. How him fuh do’um? Great 
Gawd! Jedge, Nigguh ent got no hair! Weh ’e 
dey? De ’ooman comb’um out en’ quile’um up 
’puntop dem head en’ call’um hair, but w’en you 
quizzit’um close, ’e stan’ sukkuh black moss, enty, 
suh? Jedge, w’en you look ’puntop black sheep’ 


151 


LAGUERRE 


back, you look 'puntop Nigguh' head! Ef da’ 
Jew fuh hoh Nigguh' hair fuhrebbuh, lukkuh da' 
papuh say, him haffuh hab claw! 'E nebbuh 
ketch’um wid 'e han'!" 

“What the devil is that paper you are talking 
about ?" asked Laguerre. 

“Da" mawgidge de Jew pit 'puntop de cow, 
Jedge." 

Laguerre chuckled, understandingly. “Her 
heirs and assigns forever," he quoted. 

“Yaas, suh, Jedge/' Caesar shouted, delighted 
that his recollection of the letter of the law had 
been confirmed, “da' duh him, da' duh him! Dat 
puhzac'ly wuh de papuh say." 

“Well, did you sign the paper?" 

“Jedge, suh, ebb'rybody sign'um! At de fus' 
gwinin' off de Jew fetch de papuh en' tell de 
'ooman fuh sign 'e name 'puntop de papuh. Ef 
'e hadduh bin man, 'stead'uh 'ooman, him woulduh 
sign de papuh bedout ax no squeschun 'bout’um, 
but 'ooman ent fuh do no shishuh t'ing lukkuh 
dat, 'cause him too s'pishus 'bout man. Soon ez 
him see britchiz, him biggin fuh s’pishun'um. No 
use fuh tell you how 'e stan', Jedge, 'cause you 
know 'ooman tummuch! 

“So de 'ooman biggin fuh quizzit de Jew, en' 
ax'um wuh de papuh yiz, en' wuffuh him haffuh 
sign'um. De Jew tell’um de papuh iz de 'ooman' 
wu'd fuh pay de Jew de t'odduh ten dolluh wuh jue 


152 


THE CRITIC ON THE HEARTH 


on de oxin. En’ ’e say w’en man pit ’e wu’d ’puntop 
de papuh, ’e mek’um stan’ mo’ ’sponsubble. Da’ de 
reaz’n him wan" de ’ooman’ wu’d fuh write down. 

“Ki! Jedge, w’en de Jew talk ’bout wu’d to da’ 
’ooman wuh Uh got fuh wife, Uh haffuh laugh 
een de man’ face, ’cause wu’d duh weh da’ ’ooman 
lib! Him full’up wid wu’d, en’ Uh know suh ef 
da’ Jew nebbuh yeddy no wu’d befo’ sence him lef’ 
Juhruz’lum, him fuh yeddy’um now! 

“De ’ooman gyap ’e mout’, ’e ketch ’e bre’t’ one 
time, en’ ’e gone! Da’ one time duh all de chance 
de ’ooman gwine hab fuh ketch ’e bre’t’ t’ru ’e 
mout’ ’tel ’e done talk, ’cause attuh ’e yiz staa’t, 
da’ bre’t’ haffuh ketch t’ru ’e yez, ’cause ’e mout’ 
ent hab no time fuh stop! Berry well. 

“Jedge, ef you coulduh yeddy da’ ’ooman 
aa’gyfy ’long de Jew, you woulduh t’ink him bin 
een Walterburruh co’thouse duh ’spute wid dem 
lawyuh en’ t’ing! 

“De ’ooman ax’um ef ’e yent sell ’e oxin fuh 
t’ree dolluh een ’e han’ en’ ten dolluh on credik? 
De Jew say yaas, ’e stan’ so fuh true. De ’ooman 
ax’um wuh ’e got fuh de ten dolluh wuh lef’, 
attuh ’e done pit de t’ree dolluh een ’e han’? De 
Jew say ’e yent got nutt’in’ fuhr’um, ’cep’ de 
prommus fuh pay’um wuh de ’ooman done mek. 
De ’ooman ax’um wuh de prommus bin mek wid 
—w’edduh ’e mek wid wu’d, eeduhso papuh? De 
Jew say ’e mek wid wu’d out de ’ooman’ mout’. De 


153 


LAGUERRE 


'ooman say berrywellden, dem same wu’d out 'e 
mout’ haffuh sattify’um 'tel 'e cotton done pick, 
'cause wu'd duh all wuh him got. De Jew say de 
'ooman gott'um fuh true, but him mo' redduh hab 
dem wu'd 'puntop de papuh, den fuh leff’um een 
'e mout', 'cause sometime de wu'd wuh lef' een'um, 
ef you tu'n yo' back, fus' t’ing you know de wu’d 
git’way en' gone! 

“Jedge, da’ Jew know 'ooman berry well, 
'cause de 'ooman' mout’ stan' so fuh true. Him 
mout' stan' sukkuh pot duh bile! Ef you stop 
watch'um, ef you tek you eye off’um two-t'ree 
minnit, him fuh bile obuh, en’ eb’nso ef you yiz 
watch'um, him fuh bile obuh same fashi'n! 'E 
yent wu't'! 

“So de Jew tell de 'ooman ef de wu’d come out 'e 
mout' so fas'; ef 'e hab wu’d fuh t'row’way, him 
kin t'row'um 'puntop da' papuh, den 'e yent fuh 
loss. De 'ooman talk all de talk wuh 'e got, fuh 
try fuh 'suade de Jew fuh tek wu'd out 'e mout' 
'stead'uh write'um 'pun de papuh, but 'e yent 
no use, de 'ooman cyan' shake’um en' de Jew 
hoi’ to da’ papuh sukkuh briah hoi' 'ooman' sku't! 

“Attuhw'ile de Jew say him woulduh tek de 
'ooman' mout' 'stead’uh de papuh, ef de 'ooman 
hadduh bin lib 'puntop Wadmuhlaw, eeduhso ef 
de Jew bin lib Slann’ I’lun', 'cause, w'en two man 
lib to de same place, mout' do berry well, but 
w'en one de man lib to Wadmuhlaw, en' t'odduh 


154 


THE CRITIC ON THE HEARTH 


one lib to Slann' Hun’, dem stan’ too fudduh fuh 
yeddy, so, bumbye, w’en de Jew done flattuhr'um 
en' nice'um up wid gunjuh en’ t'ing, de 'ooman 
tell'um berry well, him willin' fuh sign de papuh. 

“Yuh de debble now! How him fuh do’um, 
w'en de 'ooman cyan' write 'e name? De Jew 
tell'um dat ent mek no diff'unce, 'cause him kin 
write de 'ooman' name, en’ den de 'ooman kin 
tetch de pen een de Jew’ han' w’ile de Jew duh 
mek cross maa'k 'puntop'um, en' de name kin 
specify jis' ez good ez ef de 'ooman bin write 
'puntop de papuh wid 'e own han'. 

“Jedge, w'en de 'ooman yeddy dat, 'e done fuh 
glad. Da’ Jew sweetmout'um out’uh all dem 
s'pishun him bin hab 'bout man! Him so hasty 
fuh help da' Jew mek 'e cross maa’k, 'e nebbuh 
ax’um fuh read de mawgidge, nuh nutt’n’. Dat 
how come 'e nebbuh yeddy 'bout da' ’greement 
'pun de papuh, wuh gi’ de Jew prib'lidge fuh hoi' 
de 'ooman' hair en' t'ing fuhrebbuh, 'cep' 'e pay 
da' t'odduh ten dolluh 'pun de oxin. So de 'ooman 
tetch de pen, en' de Jew mek one hebby cross 
maa’k 'pun de papuh, en’ de 'ooman t'ink 'e done 
fuh stylish. 

“Den de Jew say him haffuh hab witness to de 
'ooman' name, en' 'e tek me fuh witness, en' 'e 
write my name 'pun de papuh, en' w’en 'e done 
write'um 'e tell me fuh tetch de pen, en' 'e mek 
cross maa'k fuh my'own same lukkuh 'e do'um 


155 


LAGUERRE 


fuh de ’ooman, ’cep’ my’own stan’ leetle mo’nuh 
him’own, ’cause da’ Jew know ’ooman is uh jal¬ 
ius t’ing, en’ w’en ’e see de ’ooman’ eye ’puntop- 
’um, him ’f’aid fuh mek my cross maa’k big ez 
de one wuh ’e mek fuh de ’ooman. 

“Den, attuh my cross maa’k done mek, one Nig- 
guh, name Quakoo Frajuh, come een de sto’, en’ 
de Jew mek’um witness my maa’k, ’cause ’e say 
Jew ent fuh tek no chance, en’ ’e say me en’ de 
’ooman iz one en’ de same somebody, lukkuh de 
Scriptuh tell we fuh jine togedduh, en’ ’e say 
dem wuh Gawd done jine togedduh, man ent fuh 
pit no t’unduh een’um! En’ de Jew say ef me en’ 
da’ ’ooman iz one, den him haffuh hab ’nodduh 
witness ’puntop’uh me. But, Jedge, da’ Jew ent 
know! Me en’ da’ ’ooman ent lib togedduh luk¬ 
kuh one! Me nuh him lib togedduh lukkuh 
t’irteen! Him iz de twelbe, en’ me, po’ creetuh, 
duh deone! Jedge, da’’ooman change’e min’so 
swif’; ’e cyan’ keep count ’pun ’e ten finguh, so, 
attuh ’e finguh done run out, him haffuh tek off 
’e shoesh en’ count ’pun ’e toe! Berrywell. 

“So de Jew mek Quakoo tetch de pen, en’ him 
mek cross maa’k fuh witness me, same lukkuh 
me bin mek’um fuh witness de ’ooman, en—” 

“Lo! what a cloud of witnesses—” quoted 
Laguerre, reverently. 

“Yaas, suh, Jedge, en’ dat ent all, ’cause attuh 
Quakoo’ cross maa’k done mek, de Jew tu’n ’roun’ 


156 


THE CRITIC ON THE HEARTH 


en’ sign de papuh ’eself, ’puntop all dem t’orruh 
one, fuh witness Quakoo’ maa’k, ’cause ’e say me 
en’ de ’ooman alltwo lib to Slann’ I’lun’, en’ ’e say 
Slann’ I’lun’ Nigguh ent fuh trus’ tummuch, so 
him haffuh hab two Wadmuhlaw man fuh stan’up 
fuhr’um puhwid’n’ me en’ de ’ooman try fuh 
obuht’row’um. So, me witness de ’ooman, Qua- 
koo witness me, en’ de Jew witness Quakoo. De 
Jew do all de han’write, but him nebbuh mek no 
cross fuh ’eself.” 

“Ha!” cried Laguerre. “Witnessed an instru¬ 
ment pledging property to himself, did he? We’ll 
see about this Wadmalaw law! Caesar,” he de¬ 
manded, “an hour ago you started to tell me what 
your wife did to you, and you ended up by telling 
what Wadmalaw did to your wife! Now, what 
the devil did your wife do to you, and why the 
devil did she do it?” 

Caesar shook* with laughter. “Jedge, suh, you 
tek de wu’d out me mout’. You ansuhr’um fuh 
you’self. Da’ same man wuh you call ’e name, 
him dey een de ’ooman, en’ him mek de ’ooman 
do’um! Satan duh ’e name, en’ Satan duh ’e man- 
nus! Lemme tell you, suh. 

“We’n de ’ooman done buy ’e leetle cow frum de 
Jew ’e fetch’um home. De t’ing leetle but ’e 
willin’. Uh hitch’um up een de plow, but ’e too 
light fuh pull de plow deestunt, lukkuh plow iz 
fuh pull, ’cause, ’stead’uh bruk de groun’, ’e jis’ 


157 


LAGUERRE 


’cratch’um, en shishuh plowin’ ent wu’t’. So, Uh 
nyuze de oxin fuh ’cratch ’bout leetle bit, en’ 
w’en ’e yent duh wu’k, Uh tu’n’um out fuh grow. 
’E grow, too, ’e grow berry well, but ’e nebbuh 
staa’t fuh grow soon ’nuf fuh mek de crap, so 
t’odduh day w’en de Jew come fuh 'e money, 
de ’ooman tell’um de oxin bin too light fuh pull 
plow, en’ ’e ’membuhr’um ’bout ’e prommus fuh 
tek seb’n dolluh fuh de t’ing, ’stead’uh ten, ef de 
cow could’n’ specify, but de ’ceitful Jew tell’um no, 
him nebbuh prommus’um no shishuh t’ing, en’ ’e 
say ef ’e yiz bin do’um, wu’d wuh come out ’e mout’ 
ent wu’t’ ’cep’ de papuh ketch’um, en’ den ’e pull 
de mawgidge out ’e pocket, en’ de mawgidge call 
ten dolluh name, en’ ’e fawtify wid all dem wit¬ 
ness en’ t’ing, en’ w’en de Jew read’um obuh 
two-t’ree time, ’bout how him fuh hoi’ de ’ooman’ 
hair en’ t’ing fuhrebbuh, ’cep’ de ten dolluh iz pay, 
de ’ooman git mos’ ’stractid, ’cause ’e only got 
seb’n dolluh to ’e name. Dat bin las’ Sattyday, 
en’ w’en me en’ de ’ooman fetch de Jew en’ de 
oxin to you fuh ontwis’um fuh we, Buh Scipio 
tell we you ent bin hab no appetite fuh yeddy 
nutt’n’ ’bout no cow, ’cause you en’ cow bin hab uh 
hebby ’spute befo’ you lef’ you house, en’ den 
soon ez de ’ooman call de cow’ name, you bex, en’ 
cuss de cow, en’ de Jew gone Wadmuhlaw, en’ ’e 
say him gwine come back dis Sattyday fuh ’e 
money, eeduhso de cow; en’, Jedge, Uh dunno 


158 


THE CRITIC ON THE HEARTH 


wuh fuh do, 'cause Uh cyan' go back een me house 
long ez da' 'ooman dey dey, en' him dey dey, 
Jedge, him dey dey, sho' ez ribbuh got mout'! 
En’ him duh wait fuh me. Him dey t’ree mile 
off, but me sperrit yeddy'um now—en' me yez 
duh bu'n!" 

“But, Caesar," said Laguerre, teasingly, “Your 
wife is a just woman, isn't she? Why should 
she blame you for the bad trade she made with 
the Wadmalaw man for the ox?" 

“Yaas, suh, Jedge, him iz jes' 'ooman, fuh 
true! Jes' ’ooman! 'E yent nutt'n' else. Da' de 
reaz’n no jestuss dey een'um! W'en him binnuh 
mek da' baa'gin wid de Jew, 'e so sattify wid 
'eself 'e nebbuh ax me fuh no exwice, en' Uh 
nebbuh g’em none. Uh nebbuh crack me teet’. 
Uh le’m’lone 'tel him en’ de Jew done tangle'up 
togedduh fuh suit demself. Now, attuh 'e fin' out 
las’ Sattyday 'bout how de Jew obuhreach'um, 
en’ 'e bex wid 'eself 'cause de Jew smaa’t mo'nuh 
him, de bex tek'um so hebby him jump 'puntop- 
'uh me, same lukkuh me bin de Jew!" 

“A long jump from Jerusalem to Slann's 
Island." 

“Yaas, Jedge, but him iz 'ooman, enty? W'en 
'ooman' min' git ready fuh jump, nutt'n' nebbuh 
bodduhr’um. Uh dunkyuh how fudduh 'e stan'. 
Him kin jump obuh de Red Sea en' nebbuh wet 
'e foot! 


159 


LAGUERRE 


“So w’en ’e git back een we house Sattyday 
ebenin’, en’ de ’ooman see suh no Jew dey dey, 
him tek me fuh mek Jew.” 

“Hail to the High Priestess!” laughed Laguerre. 

“Jedge, soon ez de ’ooman git een de house, ’e 
shet de do', ’e mek fiah, en’ ’e staa’t fuh cook. 
Befo’ de pot hab time fuh bile, de ’ooman’ mout’ 
biggin fuh bile, ’cause him staa’t fus\ en’ da’ pot 
nebbuh ketch’um! 

“All de time de bittle binnuh cook, de ’ooman 
onrabble ’e mout’ at me jis’ ’cause me duh man! 
De Jew hab on britchiz, en’ me hab on britchiz, 
en’ de ’ooman jump ’puntop’um en’ ’buze’um 
’cause britchiz duh him pizen! Jedge, de cun- 
trady creetuh fau’t me jis’ ’cause me bin one de 
witness ’pun de debble’ub’uh mawgidge him gi’ 
de Jew. Uh ax’um mekso ’e yent ’buze Quakoo 
en’ de Jew ’stead’uh onload ’e mout’ ’puntop’uh 
me, en’ ’e mek ansuh en’ say ef him bin hab’um 
yuh him woulduh ’buze’um fuh who las’ de longes’, 
but me duh de only man wuh stan’ cunweenyunt, 
so ’e say me haffuh tek’um fuh all t’ree, ’cause 
me iz man, en’ Uh yent wu’t’ no how. Uh tell’um 
Uh haffuh do de bes’ Uh kin, but Uh only got two 
yez to me name, en’ ef dem bin long, sukkuh 
rabbit’ yez, eeduhso jackass’ yez, dem wouldn’ long 
’nuf fuh hoi’ all him duh try fuh t’row een’um. 

“Jedge da’ de las’ wu’d Uh git chance fuh say 
fuh t’ree day! W’en de ’ooman done eat, ’e stan’ 


160 


THE CRITIC ON THE HEARTH 


wid ’e back to de fiah, en’ spraddle ’e foot lukkuh 
him bin man, ’e ’kimbo ’e two aa’m ’pun ’e two 
hip, en’ ’e t’un loose! Da’ ’ooman tell me all de 
mean t’ing Uh ebbuh do een me life frum de time 
Uh binnuh creep, befo’ me maamy done wean 
me. Den, w’en ’e done, ’e tell me all de mean 
t’ing Uh bin study ’bout, en plan fuh do, but neb- 
buh git chance fuh do’um! Uh dunno how de 
drat ’ooman happ’n fuh know summuch! 

“En’, Jedge, den him pit ’e han’ behine ’e back 
en’ cross’um obuh ’e debble’ub’uh hanch en’ 
wawm’um befo’ de fiah, en’ ’e tell me all de mean 
t’ing me fambly bin do ebbuh sence me gran’- 
daddy binnuh climb cokynot tree een Aff’iky, en’ 
hab tail en’ t’ing! Him do dat off en’ on, ebb’ry 
chance ’e git fuh t’ree day, so dis mawnin’ Uh 
watch me chance en’ Uh git’way, en’ Uh gone 
duh ’ood fuh talk wid crow, ’cause him iz me 
bredduh, en’ ’e woice sweet’n me yez tummuch.” 

“Bring the wife of your bosom before me next 
Saturday.” 

“Suh?” 

“Bring your wife, then, and I’ll see if I can’t 
stop her mouth for you.” 

“T’engky, Jedge, but Toogoodoo crik ent fuh 
stop! Gawd mek’um fuh run!” 


1G1 


THE ROAD CALLED STRAIGHT 

October forests were ablaze with the funeral 
pyres of the summer, long fading, now at rest, 
awaiting the promised resurrection, when, in 
God's great cycle, as long as time shall last, the 
seasons come into their own. 

Redoaks and the lowly scrub, their kindred, 
burned dully now, as they slowly changed to rus¬ 
set, to wear at last until they fell and turned to 
mold, the somber garb of monks. Sassafras and 
sourwood shot the woods with brighter reds, and 
flaming hickories splashed them far and wide 
with gold. Blackgums glowed redly, and harle¬ 
quin sweetgums along the bays showed every 
shade of green and red and purple and yellow. 

All nature was changing, save the pines—stal¬ 
wart pillars of the forest—upon whose rugged 
characters the passing seasons wrought as vainly 
as ocean waves upon a rock-bound shore. A lit¬ 
tle purple flowering in spring, a soft sprinkling 
of pollen like golden dust, the faltering fall of 
brown needles slowly carpeting the forest floor, 
and that is all. The winds that sweep their lofty 
tops, chant solemnly in organ tones, or croon low 
lullabies; while emerald needles, shining in the 
sunlight or glistening in the rain, hold high, un¬ 
der bright or lowering skies the symbol of hope! 
So, steadfast men keep their way unswervingly 


163 


LAGUERRE 


through a restless world, holding to their tra¬ 
ditions, their standards and their faiths, unmoved 
by the turmoil that beats about them—the chang¬ 
ing liveries of custom and of thought! 

During the autumn and winter months other 
voices were added to the music of the wind-harps 
in the tops of the great pines, for here, to feed 
upon the sweet mast of the palustris, came 
swarming flocks of black-birds, singing all at 
once in a liquid tumult of sound, and here came, 
singly and in squads, noisy crows “telling the 
world,” as crows and men so often do, all about 
themselves and their achievements and inciden¬ 
tally disclosing the shortcomings of their neigh¬ 
bors. 

But, with a finer tribal spirit than men, crows 
and their kindred, bluejays, are ever on the watch 
for enemies, not only of their clan, but of all the 
furred and feathered creatures of the wild. A 
black snake draped gracefully among the leafy 
boughs of a low bush, wherein a songbird is build¬ 
ing her nest, a diamond-back rattler slowly drag¬ 
ging his dreadful length across the fallen leaves 
under a spreading beech, a hunter at a stand lis¬ 
tening for the cry of the distant pack and waiting 
for the oncoming deer, are no sooner spotted 
by these blue or sable watchmen of the woods, 
than far-flung warnings issue forth, and song¬ 
bird flutters questioningly around the bush, the 


164 


THE ROAD CALLED STRAIGHT 


wild four-footed things give the Upas-beech a 
wide berth, and the on-coming deer pricks his 
apprehensive ears, and swerves swiftly away to 
another pass, leaving a chagrined stander to 
curse the crow! 

Thus, as in the affairs of men, the service of 
those who serve, is taken as a matter of course, 
often accepted with condescension, while to him 
who serves—the guardian—comes always the 
enmity of the sinister influence he has thwarted. 
So often, among the unthinking, the unseeing, 
must virtue be its own reward! 

On Thursday morning, bright and beautiful, 
Laguerre rose early and paced the long piazza 
impatiently, as is the way with masterful men 
who wait for breakfast—men who, demanding 
waffles, dismiss the idiosyncracies of waffle-irons 
as unworthy of consideration. 

Almost sharp enough for frost, the first rays 
of the sun set the myriad dewdrops sparkling on 
yellow, green and purple grass, and the white 
lace-like spreads of the great spiders. As old 
Scipio came to announce breakfast a little cloud 
of vapor rose from his mouth. 

“Looks like frost, Scipio,” said his master, with 
a sweep of his arm toward the glistening fields. 

“Yaas, maussuh, ’e yiz look lukkuh de fus’ 
w’ite fros’, but *e nutt’n* but de hebby jew. You 
shum stan’ so, ’e look dainjus, but soon ez sun 


165 


LAGUERRE 


git leetle mo’ stronguh, him will drink’um up so 
swif’ ’e nebbuh wet ’e mout’! Attuh da' jew done 
gone, ef you look ’puntop de ’tettuh wine en’ t’ing 
you will shum stan’ jis’ ez green ez dat. Uh 
dunkyuh how hebby de jew stan', him ent man 
’nuf fuh bite’um. No, suh. ’E mos’ time fuh 
fros’, but ’e yent come yit!” 

Thus ended a discussion that came up with each 
recurrent October, Laguerre, like many men, and 
all boys, hoping for early frosts, and feverishly 
anxious to be the first to see it, though he knew 
it would bite the sweet potato vines and stain the 
late-opening bolls of Sea-Island cotton. How 
many early-rising white boys on Southern plan¬ 
tations, in the old days and the new, have had the 
ardor of discovery chilled by the authoritative 
dictum of some wise old darky: “Dat ain’t fros’, 
my chile. ’E nutt’n’ but de hebby jew!” 

Before the sun had drunk up the dew, Laguerre 
and Scipio, with Zouave in the buckboard, drove 
off. Laguerre was making an early start to meet 
a call at a distant plantation, whither he had been 
summoned by messenger the night before to sit 
in a “crowner’s ’quest” upon the body of an un¬ 
fortunate Negro upon whom a tree had fallen. 
This business he hoped to finish in time to meet 
another engagement, so Scipio touched up Zouave 
with the whip and he started at a smart trot. 

The road was unfamiliar, for they had never 


166 


THE ROAD CALLED STRAIGHT 


been to the place before, and, following the rather 
vague directions of the messenger, they had 
turned off from the main road after two or three 
miles to enter another that showed little evidence 
of travel, threading a forest area that, starting 
with open pineland of virgin growth, soon thick¬ 
ened, as the land lay lower, to shortleaf and swamp 
hardwoods. They drove two miles through this 
wilderness without meeting any one. Nor were 
there any settlements along the way; the lonely 
forest—nothing more. 

At last, when Laguerre, fuming with impa¬ 
tience, was about ready to express himself vigor¬ 
ously as to the quick and the dead of the African 
race—the one, whose poor stark body had called 
him, and the other who had misdirected him to 
where it lay—an old Negro came in sight 
in the road ahead, and neared them rapidly. 
Though gnarled and bent, the old fellow moved 
briskly, carrying in his hand as he swung along 
a heavy hickory stick. He stepped to the side of 
the road and bowed low as the buggy halted and 
then, as Laguerre gave his name and title, he 
bowed again, for “Jedge” was known by reputa¬ 
tion throughout the countryside and, as “Jedge” 
didn’t hold with Pope that “honor and shame 
from no condition rise” and was ever astride upon 
his title, as upon a hobby-horse, the Negroes 
knew that title had to be saluted! 


167 


LAGUERRE 


“Daddy,” said Laguerre, “do you know the way 
to Blake’s?” 

The old man smiled as if pitying the simplicity 
of his questioner. “Oh, yaas, suh, obco’se Uh 
know’um. Dat jis’ t’odduh side de place weh Uh 
lib. Da’ place jis’ ’bout uh mile t’odduh side uh 
me, en’ me place stan’ jis’ ’bout uh mile dis side 
uh him.” 

“Very enlightening,” said Laguerre. 

The old man brightened at the supposed com¬ 
pliment. “Yaas, suh, dat jis’ de way ’e stan’.” 

“Well, then,” he was asked, “how far is 
Blake’s?” 

“Puhzac’ly fo’ mile, suh.” 

“Can you show me the road?” 

“Uh kin dat, suh, Uh kin dat! Uh trabble da’ 
road all de time.” 

“Well, tell me how to find it.” 

The old man stepped to the middle of the road, 
raked away the pinestraw with his stick, and with 
its pointed end began to mark roads and cross¬ 
roads in the firm sand, while Scipio turned the 
horse’s head so as to afford Laguerre an unin¬ 
terrupted view of the draughtsman. 

“Shum yuh, suh, shum yuh! Now, dishyuh 
road yuh—de one wuh Uh got me stick een’um— 
dishyuh duh de road, de one wuh we dey een 
now, en’ you haffuh hoi’ him fuh ’bout uh mile, 
’tel you git to de fus’ cross-road.” 


168 


THE ROAD CALLED STRAIGHT 


“The devil!” cried Laguerre, petulantly. “Are 
there two cross-roads?” 

“Yaas, suh, two dey dey, but you ent fuh bod- 
duh ’bout de fus’ one, you ent fuh folluh him to 
de right han’, needuhso to de lef’ han’, you fuh 
keep straight on ’tel you cross obuhr’um. Now, 
Uh done wid de fus’ cross-road en’ Uh rub’um 
out,” and with a scrape of his foot, the first cross 
was obliterated and the surface smoothed for the 
second drawing. 

“Now, suh, dishyuh one mek de two cross-road 
wuh dey dey, en’ dishyuh one duh de one you 
haffuh bodduh ’bout. Attuh you done pass de 
fus’ cross-road ’bout uh mile, you come to dis 
one. Uh call’um cross-road, but ’e yent cross¬ 
road, fuh true, ’cause no road nebbuh cross’um. 
Nutt’n’ dey dey ’cep’ dishyuh same road we dey 
een now, but w’en ’e git dey de road split, sukkuh 
fawk, en’ one side de fawk lean to de right han’ 
en’ t’odduh one lean to de lef’ han’. ’E yent 
lean berry hebby, ’cause alltwo de road run close 
togedduh ’longside one’nurruh fuh ’bout uh mile, 
but ef you chance fuh git een de wrong one at de 
fus’, you ent gwine folluhr’um too fudduh ’cause 
attuh you trabble’um ’bout uh mile, ef no log dey 
cross’um, you fuh know you dey een de wrong 
road, en’ you haffuh tu’n back to de fawk, en’ tek 
t’odduh one, but ef da’ log dey dey, den you fuh 
know you got de right road; you dribe ’roun’ de 


169 


LAGUERRE 


log t’ru de bush, you come back een de road, en’ 
you tek’um, en’ gone!” 

“Well, how far do I go after leaving the log 
before I get to Blake’s?” 

“Jedge, you ent staa’t fuh git to Blake! Attuh 
you pass da’ log ’bout uh mile, you see anodduh 
road mek uh shaa’p slant ’cross da’ road wuh got 
de log cross’um—da’ duh you road now—shum 
yuh! En’ you ent fuh leffum ’tel Uh show you, 
suh.” 

“The devil! Hold on! When you started you 
said it was four miles from here to Blake’s.” 

“Yaas, suh, dat puhzac’ly wuh ’e yiz, fo’ mile.” 

“Well, you said it was one mile to the first 
cross-roads, another mile to the second, a third 
mile to the log across the road, and a fourth to 
the slanting road you’re just talking about—that 
makes four already and you say I haven’t started 
yet.” 

The old darky scratched his head. “Well, suh, 
ef ’e yent fo’ mile, Uh know berry well ’e yent 
mo’nuh seb’n!” 

“Well, then, what road am I supposed to be in, 
now that I have gone four miles from here?” 

“Shum yuh!” the topographer said, drawing 
another mark with the point of his stick, “shum 
yuh, suh! You dey right yuh. You ent git dey 
yit, fuh true, ’cause you ent staa’t, but you dey 


170 


THE ROAD CALLED STRAIGHT 

dey, ’cause dat weh you duh gwine, enty? Berry- 
well. 

“Now, yuh you iz, en’ yuh da’ slantin’ road Uh 
bin tell you ’bout, but you ent fuh tek him. No, 
suh, you ent fuh bodduh wid him none’tall, ’cause 
da’ place him duh gwine stan’ fudduh frum de 
place you duh gwine, da’ w’ymekso Uh tell you 
fuh le’m’lone en’ le’m gone weh ’e duh gwine, 
’cause da’ road ent wu’t’ fuh git to Blake, en’—” 

“How the devil will I get to Blake’s or any¬ 
where else if you don’t get to the point?” 

“Yaas, suh, Uh gwine git to da’ p’int now. 
Uh bin ’splain’um ’sponsubble, so you ent fuh 
git tanglety up. So, attuh you done pass da’ 
slantin’ road ’bout half uh mile, you see ’pun you 
lef’ han’, close to de aige uh de road, weh some¬ 
body bin t’row down uh harricane tree. Uh 
call’um harricane, ’cause ’e top stan’ sukkuh har¬ 
ricane, but ’e yent harricane fuh true ’cause 
win’ nebbuh blow’um down, en’ true-true har¬ 
ricane de win’ haffuh blow’um down, en’ ’e root 
stick’up high, but dishyuh harricane Uh duh 
talk ’bout, Nigguh bin cut down wid axe fuh ketch 
rokkoon, en’ de Nigguh cut de ’tump off clean, da’ 
mekso ’e nebbuh hab no root fuh stick’up lukkuh 
him woulduh hab ef ’e hadduh bin true-true har¬ 
ricane, en’—” 

“ ‘Harricane! Harricane,’!” mimicked La- 
guerre, “Damn your ‘harricane’! Get to the point.” 


171 


LAGUERRE 


“Yaas, suh, Uh gwine git dey now. Well, suh, 
w’en you git to da' harricane you nebbuh stop, 
you jis’ dribe right on ’tel you done pass’um, en’ 
attuh dat you jis’ hoi’ de road ’tel, bumbye, you 
come to anodduh road wuh run ’cross de road 
wuh you dey een. Dishyuh road nebbuh slant 
lukkuh da’ t’odduh one you bin come ’cross befo’ 
you git to de harricane tree. ’E run smack 
cross’um, ’cause dishyuh duh cross-road, fuh true. 
Berrywell. 

“Now, suh, w’en you git to da’ place uh duh tell 
you ’bout, you ent fuh hoi’ da’ road you dey een 
now, no mo’. You fuh t’row’um’way attuh you 
git to de cross-road, ’cause ’e cyan’ speci fy no 
mo’. Ef you folluhr’um attuh you cross de cross¬ 
road, ’e yent wu’t’ fuh tek you to da’ place you 
duh gwine ’cause him fuh gone fudduh frum da’ 
place, so jis’ tell’um t’engky fuh dem t’ree-fo’ 
mile you bin trabble’um, en’ le’m gone ’bout ’e 
bidness. 

“Attuh dat, you tu’n you hawss’ head smack to 
you right han’ en’ you tek de right han’ road wuh 
run ’cross de road you done t’row’way. W’en you 
trabble dishyuh new road ’bout half uh mile, 
you fuh see some house to de lef’ han’ side de 
road, en’ w’en you git dey de road kind’uh split- 
’up—two-t’ree road dey dey en’ ’e haa’d fuh tell 
you w’ich one fuh tek, but w’ichebbuh one you 
hawss tek, jis’ folluhr’um ’tel you come to uh 


172 


THE ROAD CALLED STRAIGHT 


deep watuh slash wuh run 'cross de road. You 
dribe t'ru'um, en' ef de watuh come up to you 
hawss' knee, you kin gone; 'cause you dey een 
de right road, but ef da' watuh splash stan' 
shalluh 'tel 'e yent rise mo’nuh halfway to de 
hawss' knee, you fuh know you dey een de wrong 
road, en' you haffuh tu'n back to da' place weh 
de road split, 'cause t’ree road dey dey en' you 
haffuh try one de t'odduh one. 

“Now, attuh you trabble de t'odduh one leetle 
w'ile, ef no watuh slash dey dey, you haffuh t’row- 
'way da’ road lukkuh you bin do de fus' one, en’ 
tu'n back, 'gen, 'cause two de road got watuh 
een'um, en’ t'orruh one dry ez Nigguh’ t'roat 
w'en 'e see Buckruh tu’n de jug obuh 'e elbow 
fuh po'r out 'e dram! So you haffuh keep on 
try 'tel you fin' da’ deep watuh slash, en’ you 
hawss' knee wet fuh true-true, den you kin gone, 
'cause you trouble done obuh, en' da’ road blonx 
to you 'tel you git to Blake." 

“How shall I know when I get there?" 

“Jedge, you fuh know’um by de Nigguh. De 
pyo' Nigguh dey dey sukkuh buzzut duh roos'! 
'Bout free hund'ud Nigguh dey dey. One de 
Nigguh dead, 'cause tree drap 'puntop'um, en' 
all de t'odduh Nigguh iz libe, en' all dem mout' 
duh gwine one time! De dead Nigguh duh de 
only one wuh nebbuh crack 'e teet'! Uh know de 
cawpse woulduh bex ef 'e coulduh bin yeddy all 


173 


LAGUERRE 


dem t’orruh Nigguh’ mout’ duh gwine obuhr’um 
—he-Nigguh en’ she-Nigguh, alltwo—but de po’ 
creetuh cyan’ he’p ’eself none’tall! Him dey dey, 
en’ de tree wuh drap ’puntop’um, him dey dey, 
en’ needuh one fuh say nutt’n’!” 

“Stop!” shouted Laguerre. “Stop! When did 
you see your black brethren at Blake’s?” 

“Uh shum dis mawnin’, suh. Enty Uh jis’ 
come frum Blake? Dat how Uh know suh sum- 
much Nigguh dey dey. Uh bin yeddy de news 
las’ night ’bout how da’ man wuh dead bin hab 
acksi dent ’long pine-tree, en’ now de man dead en’ 
de tree dead, ’eself. Dem alltwo dead, de man en’ 
de tree, only de tree dead fus’, ’cause him bin 
light’ood tree, dat how de man happ’n fuh cut- 
’um down. Ef ’e did’n’ bin light’ood tree de man 
nebbuh woulduh bodduh wid’um, en’ Gawd 
might’uh spay re de Nigguh’ life, but dishy uh 
light’ood tree bin een de new groun’ close by de 
aige uh de swamp, en’ w’en de man shum, en’ see 
how fat de tree stan’, ’e git ’e axe en’ staa’t fuh 
chop’um down. Attuhw’ile, de tree mos’ cut t’ru 
en’ git ready fuh drap, en’ jis’ ez ’e biggin fuh 
crack, de man yeddy sump’n’nurruh close’um een 
de swamp duh mek shishuh hebby racket, him haf- 
fuh stop fuh look, en’ w’en ’e look ’e see uh hebby 
fox squerril duh climb one dem big loblolly-pine- 
tree, en’ ’e claw duh ’crape de baa’k ez ’e gwine ’tel 
’e soun’ sukkuh you duh saw log wid cross-cut saw. 


174 


THE ROAD CALLED STRAIGHT 

De man tek ’e yeye off de light’ood tree fuh look, 
en’ ’e shum, but dat squerril duh de las’ t’ing him 
fuh see wid ’e yeye, en’ de racket da' squerril’ 
claw mek, duh de las’ t’ing him fuh yeddy wid ’e 
yez, ’cause da’ same time him loose ’e yeye off de 
light’ood tree, ’e seem lukkuh de tree mus’be bex 
’cause de Nigguh nebbuh count’um, en’ jis’ den 
de tree crack, en’ ’e drap ’puntop de man, en’ de 
Nigguh’ sperrit gone to ’e Jedus, en’ de ’ooman en’ 
t’ing staa’t fuh holluh, en’ dem binnuh holluh all 
night, en’ bumbye de man jine’um, ’cause w’eneb- 
buh ’ooman bunch’up en’ biggin fuh shout, ef man 
yeddy’um, dem haffuh dey dey too. En’ all night 
dem Nigguh’ mout’ binnuh gwine, man en’ ’ooman, 
man en’ ’ooman, man en’ ’ooman, sukkuh dem big 
bloodynoun frog w’en dem duh hoi’ praise-meet’n’! 
En’—” 

Laguerre, too fond of talk to be a good listener, 
was so amused by the old Negro’s flow of speech 
that for a time he let him run on without inter¬ 
ruption to see if his ball of yarn would run out, 
but as it now seemed interminable, he broke in 
suddenly and wrathfully: “Damn your bloody- 
nouns! If you have been to Blake’s, tell me what 
they have done with the dead man.” 

“Jedge, suh, dem ent do nutt’n’tall wid’um. Da’ 
pine-tree dey ’puntop’um now, en’ Uh yeddy suh 
attuh you git dey, you’self haffuh seddown ’pun¬ 
top’um fuh see wuh kill’um, en’ ef ’e dead fuh 


175 


LAGUERRE 


true-true. But, Jedge, ef you iz fuh seddown 
’pun da’ Nigguh lukkuh de law say, da’ pine-tree 
haffuh roll off fus’, ’cause de way ’e stan’ now da’ 
log gott’um pin to de du’t. En’, ’cep’ da’ log 
roll’off, eeduhso chop’off, de law haffuh stan’ up, 
’cause him ent fuh hab no place fuh seddown ’pun- 
top no Nigguh. 

“But dem duh wait fuh you, Jedge, en’ w’en 
Uh bin dey dis’ mawnin’, dem tell me dem ’f’aid 
de Nigguh wuh gone to you house las’ night neb- 
buh ’splain’um ’sponsubble ’bout de road, so dem 
ax me fuh come fuh meet you, so ef you ent know 
weh you duh gwine Uh kin pit you een de right 
road. Da’ mekso Uh bin tell you so straight, 
so you ent fuh loss you way.” 

“Straight!” cried Laguerre, “Straight! If 
Dawhoo were a demijohn and Slann’s Island a 
cork, I could take that road for a corkscrew, and 
pull out the whole plantation! Straight! Jump 
up behind this buggy and show me the road, and 
don’t say a word ’til you get to the first cross¬ 
roads, and then just say ‘right hand’ or ‘left 
hand’ and shut right up! Why the devil didn’t 
you tell me when you first came up that you had 
come to show me the road? We could have been 
half way there by now, instead of listening for 
half an hour to your ‘harricane, harricane!’ 
Damn the ‘harricane!’ Jump up, and shut up!” 

The old Negro swung up behind the buckboard, 


176 


THE ROAD CALLED STRAIGHT 


Scipio touched up Zouave, and they drove off 
briskly, Laguerre thoroughly outraged at hav¬ 
ing been forced to listen for so long. 

They trotted past the slanting road, the fallen 
log, the cross-roads, the water slashes, and all the 
other landmarks described so meticulously by 
their guide, who indicated each as he came to it 
by a grunt, Laguerre permitting him no more 
liberal form of expression. 

At last they came to Blake’s, an old plantation 
showing by the unkempt condition of buildings 
and fences, and by the weeds that choked the 
gardens that the place had been abandoned by 
the whites and given up to Negro occupancy. 

The entire population of the place and a hun¬ 
dred or more from nearby settlements were now 
gathered in a little clearing—a new ground— 
whose pines, several years earlier, had been gir¬ 
dled with the axe and left to die, the freedmen 
meanwhile grubbing up the roots and tilling the 
land that lay between. The pines, long dead, 
had been seared by the fires with which Negroes 
clear their land, and had turned to lightwood, and 
one of these, standing at the edge of the forest, 
the poor Negro had cut down for fuel, and, look¬ 
ing away for a moment just as the tree had be¬ 
gun to fall, was caught in the deadly trap. 

Fearful of the white man’s laws, these black 
folk clustered around the fallen pine and their 


177 


LAGUERRE 


dead comrade, awaiting through the long night 
and half the morning, the coming of “Jedge,” 
whose sanction would permit them to cut away 
the log and prepare the poor stark body that lay 
beneath for the “sett’n’up” or wake. This—an 
overture to the regular performance—had been 
going on all through the night by the watchfires 
built around the log. 

As “Jedge” got out of the buggy, a group 
of the elders, the wise men of the plantation, 
met him with low obeisance, and escorted him to 
the scene of the tragedy, where they repeated 
with great elaboration the details of the story 
already told by the guide who had gone forth in 
the morning to meet him. 

The acting coroner took charge of the pro¬ 
ceedings. Two powerful axemen were set to 
work cutting away a six foot section of the dead 
pine that lay upon the poor bit of clay that only 
yesterday had been a sentient thing, filling his 
appointed place in the world. Now that his 
spirit had left the flesh, the lifeless flesh, like all 
black flesh, would move the world far more with¬ 
out, than with, the spirit, for only a funeral or a 
wake could stir the hearts of this primitive peo¬ 
ple to the depths. Now, the suddenness of the 
tragedy, and the long wait for the inquest had 
added richly to their emotional ecstasy, for they 
were assured of another night of exaltation! 


178 


THE ROAD CALLED STRAIGHT 

The log was pried off and rolled away, and 
Laguerre summoned six of the older men to de¬ 
termine first, if the man were dead, and if dead, 
what killed him. These indisputable facts were 
arrived at and announced with the impressive¬ 
ness with which so many men proclaim the ob¬ 
vious, with a solemn reiteration that bears so 
heavily upon those whom God has given keen 
perceptions. 

“Jedge, suh,” said the foreman, looking about 
him for the acquiescent nods of his fellows, 
“dishyuh man dead, enty? Dishyuh hebby tree 
binnuh leddown ’puntop’um ebbuh sence yistiddy 
ebenin’, en’ ’e nebbuh crack ’e jaw frum dat to 
dis!” 

“You talk trute, my bredduh, de Nigguh 
dead!” confirmed the other jurors, in chorus. 

“En’, fudduhmo’, Jedge,” continued the fore¬ 
man, “anodduh reaz’n Uh know ’sponsubble suh 
de Nigguh dead iz ’cause, las’ night, all night 
long, him wife binnuh seddown ’pun da’ tree wid 
’e ap’un to ’e yeye duh praise de man en’ groan 
’cause ’e done loss’um, w’en all uh we know berry 
well suh w’en da’ man bin hab bre t een e 
body, de ’ooman tell’um ebb’ry day suh ’e yent 
wu ’t ’— ! 'e bre’t’ en’ ’e body alltwo, ’cause ’e hab 
rum ’puntop ’e bre’t’, en’ lazy ’puntop ’e bone! 

“En’ ef da’ Nigguh bin hab life een’um las’ 
night w’en da’ ’ooman roll ’e praise so high, him 
179 


LAGUERRE 


woulduh ansuhr’um en’ ’spute’um, en’ ’e woulduh 
ax’um hukkuh no’count Nigguh kin tu’n eento 
ainjul so swif’, en’ hukkuh crow kin change to 
w’ite crane jis’ ’cause ’e dead! But de Nigguh 
nebbuh crack ’e jaw fuh 'tarrygate de ’ooman 
nuh nutt’n’, so attuh dat Uh know de Nigguh 
done fuh dead!" 

“Well,” said Laguerre, “you find that the man 
is dead; now, what killed him?” 

“Tree, suh. Pine-tree. ’E drap ’puntop de 
Nigguh en' kill’um. En', Jedge, de po’ man bin 
kill ’eself, but him nebbuh bin know. Shum yuh, 
suh, shum yuh,” and the old Negro showed 
Laguerre where, several years earlier, lightning 
had riven the great pine, probably during the 
summer it had been girdled. Among the other 
dead trees of the new-ground, the Negro had 
not noticed that upon this, God had put His mark 
and set it apart as sacrosanct. Only after the 
fall of the pine had loosened the bark, was the 
long wound revealed—the wreak, long years ago, 
of a mighty kris flashing out of the infinite! 

With bared head the old Negro looked up rev¬ 
erently, as if in prayer, while with awed voice he 
said: “Attuh Gawd pit Him han’ ’pun da’ tree, 
man ent fuh tetch’um! De po’ creetuh nebbuh 
know. ’E nebbuh bin know!” 

And Laguerre drove slowly away, subdued by 
the wailing of the mourners behind him. 


180 


TO HAVE AND TO SCOLD 

All through Friday, the memory of the tragedy 
at Blake’s, and the poignant wailing of those who 
mourned the victim of the avenging lightning-tree, 
had somewhat repressed the usually high spirits 
of “Jedge” Laguerre, who went about his planta¬ 
tion tasks more quietly than was customary with 
one usually so full of himself, but no cork of com¬ 
passion could restrain for long so volatile a spirit, 
and by Saturday morning he was again full of 
himself and running over, and he set forth for 
his court as jauntily as a knight to a tourney, 
bubbling over with the thought of how he would 
bait the spiritually fragile Wineglasses and the 
Jewish merchant from Wadmalaw, an island 
which—lying within the limits of Berkeley 
County and subject to the jurisdiction of its 
magistrates—he regarded almost as enemy 
country, peopled by “lesser breeds without the 
law,” and any of these who set foot in the Too- 
goodoo country he conceived it his duty to dis¬ 
cipline, not only for the good of their souls, but 
for the exaltation of his own official position as a 
Trial Justice for Adams Run township, St. Paul’s 
Parish, Colleton County, a jurisdiction wherein 
he was sure the law was administered more pic¬ 
turesquely, if not more justly, than anywhere else 
in South Carolina. And “Jedge’s” attitude toward 


181 


LAGUERRE 


Wadmalaw was well known to the Negroes, who, 
since the summoning of the merchant and his 
black witness, Quakoo, to attend Laguerre’s pine- 
land court presently to be held, had discussed the 
weight of the hand Toogoodoo law would lay upon 
them. 

“Jedge, him sho’ lub fuh bu’n dem Wadmuhlaw 
Nigguh! Ef any dem man frum Wadmuhlaw 
come ’puntop Toogoodoo fuh ramify ’roun’ ’mong 
we ’ooman en’ t’ing, ef Jedge ketch’um, eb’nso 
ef him yeddy ’bout’um, da’ Nigguh fuh bu’n’up! 
Fus’, Jedge fine’um, en’ den ’e cuss’um! Him 
bu’n de Nigguh’ pocket en’ ’e yez, alltwo! 

“At de fus’ gwinin’ off, him fuh ax’um: ‘Nig¬ 
guh, wuh you duh do yuh ’puntop Toogoodoo? 
You mus’be t’ink you iz range bull, enty? If you 
iz, you bettuh keep ’puntop da’ Wadmuhlaw range, 
’cause dishyuh Toogoodoo range blonx to ole 
Tumbo, en’ no Wadmuhlaw man hab prib’lidge 
fuh ramify obuhr’um, ’cause Tumbo hoi’ ’eself 
’sponsubble fuh sabe dese ’ooman’ sinful soul en’ 
t’ing, en’ you en’ de debble ent got nutt’n’tall fuh 
do wid’um. Uh dunkyuh w’edduh you call you’- 
self class-leaduh, eeduhso preachuh, ef you ebbuh 
mek track ’roun’ dis place ’gen, Uh fuh call you 
waggybone, en’ t’row you een Walterburruh jail 
fuh t’ree week! En’ now, fuh mek you ’membuhr- 
’um, Uh gwine pinch you pocket, en’ Uh fine you 
dolluh en’ uh half, ’cause w’en you bin climb obuh 


182 


TO HAVE AND TO SCOLD 


da' fench wuh run ’roun’ Nigguh-house-yaa'd 
t'odduh night bedout ax no 't’oruhty fuh do'um, 
you iz bin trespass. En’ now you kin gone!' 

“Budduh! W’en Jedge tel de Nigguh fuh gone, 
him nebbuh wait fuh yeddy'um two time. 'E gone! 
De Nigguh tu'n 'e pocket eenside out, en' w’en 'e 
see how 'e stan', 'e foot hasty fuh reach de crik; 
'e jump een 'e trus'-me-gawd, 'e ketch 'e paddle 
een 'e han', en' him en' da’ coonoo gone t'ru da’ 
ribbuh sukkuh pawpuss! ’E nebbuh stop 'tel 'e git 
Wadmuhlaw!" 

“ 'E ebbuh come back?" 

“Yaas, 'e come back. Him iz Nigguh, enty? 
Him stay off fuh 'bout t'ree week, en’ den, w’en 
de daa’k uh de moon come 'roun' 'gen, da' same 
Nigguh climb da' same fench en' peruse 'roun' 
'mong dem Slann' I'lun' 'ooman, lukkuh him bin 
do befo', en' nobody nebbuh tell on’um, ’cause 'nuf 
sto' dey to Wadmuhlaw, en' de man full 'e pocket 
wid gunjuh en' tubackuh fuh de 'ooman en’ de 
man, alltwo, en' Jedge nebbuh yeddy nutt'n' 
'bout’um, 'cause Nigguh nebbuh fuh tell Buckruh 
no news 'bout no odduh Nigguh, 'cep' him en' de 
Nigguh fall out, en' 'long ez da' Wadmuhlaw man 
got gunjuh en tubackuh een 'e pocket, none uh 
we Nigguh gwine g’em’way, Uh dunkyuh hum- 
much 'e ramify!" 

“Yaas, man, Nigguh haffuh stan' by 'e own 
colluh, enty? Nigguh haffuh stan' sukkuh night, 

183 


LAGUERRE 


’cause we alltwo iz black, en’ same lukkuh night 
hide de Nigguh w’en ’e mischeebus, da’ same way 
Nigguh iz fuh hide one’nurruh fuh sabe’um frum 
de Buckruh w’en ’e git een trouble. Wuhebbuh one 
Nigguh do, all we t’odduh Nigguh haffuh kib- 
buhr’um up. Da’ duh we prinsubble, enty? 
Berrywell.” 

“Uh know Jedge fuh haa’d ’pun dem Wadmuh- 
law Nigguh. Uh wunduh ef him fuh be haa’d ’pun 
da’ Wadmuhlaw Buckruh—da’ sto’keepuh wuh 
sell sistuh Wineglass da’ leely cow?” 

“Yaas, man! Jedge berry tetchy, you know, en’ 
berry shawt-pashunt, en’ Buckruh kin bex’um jis’ 
ez quick ez Nigguh. ’E bex’um mo’ quickuh, ’cause 
Jedge know suh Nigguh iz nutt’n’ but Nigguh 
en’ ’e nebbuh bodduh ’bout’um ’cause de Nigguh 
so eegnunt, but ef him ebbuh bex wid Buckruh 
’e bex fuh true-true! Ki! Him fuh moobe ’e yeye- 
brow up en’ down sukkuh mongkey, en’ da’ hebby 
hair ’pun ’e mout’ fuh rise ’tel ’e ’tan’up sukkuh 
dem wil’ bo’hog een de swamp rise de bristle ’pun- 
top dem back, w’en dog git ’roun’um! W’en Jedge 
stan’ so, ’e look mischeebus ez de berry Satan, but 
’e mout’ dainjus mo’nuh ’e h’aa’t. W’en ’e bex ’e 
bex, but attuh him cuss’um off, ’e yeyebrow git 
smood ’gen, en’ da’ hair ’puntop ’e mout’ drap 
down lukkuh ’e bin at de fus’ befo’ de bex tek’um. 
But Uh know him fuh ride dem Wadmuhlaw man 
teday, teday—de Buckruh en’ de Nigguh alltwo!” 


184 



THE OLD “PINK HOUSE” IN THE VILLAGE 

































































TO HAVE AND TO SCOLD 


On this Saturday morning, bright and cool, 
with a sharp wind out of the East, Laguerre and 
old Scipio, having made an early start, jogged 
along easily to meet the noon engagement at the 
pineland court. Zouave, given a day of rest, had 
been turned in the pasture, and Scipio held the 
lines over Deadlock, a stubborn brute, whose balk¬ 
ing propensities had prompted his master several 
years earlier to bestow upon him a name at the 
moment before the public in newspaper headlines 
through the deadlock in a great National conven¬ 
tion. 

A few months earlier, Laguerre, on his way to 
court had been forced to bite Deadlock’s ear to 
move him out of a stubborn balk, and between man 
and horse there was little love lost. 

Deadlock had once sported a long tail, but of 
this his master had despoiled him long since to 
make a histrionic holiday. Stagestruck, and de¬ 
voted to amateur theatricals, Laguerre was sure 
to be prominent in any cast that tramped the 
boards of Toogoodoo. Like Edwin Forrest and 
Salvini, he was partial to heavy, tragic roles, and 
when he was cast for an Indian chief—an heroic 
part—he knew that only Deadlock’s luxuriant tail 
could supply a fitting scalp-lock. So with ruth¬ 
less shears his master snipped it off close to the 
bone. The scalp-lock was worn with great distinc¬ 
tion and added tremendously to the big chief’s 


185 


LAGUERRE 


opinion of himself, but poor Deadlock s hind¬ 
quarters never looked the same again, and all 
through the summer heyday of flies and mosqui¬ 
toes, he paid dearly for his master’s vanity. 

“Deadlock, him tail look stylish ’nuf, da’ way 
Maussuh saw’um off, en’ ’e do berry well fuh 
wintuhtime tail, but ’e yent wu’t’ fuh summuh- 
time, ’cause fly en’ muskittuh needuh one neb- 
buh count’um, Uh dunkyuh how haa’d ’e switch- 
’um.” 

Scipio was right, and Deadlock, while his tail 
was slowly lengthening, was seldom driven in 
summer, and only now, when cool weather had 
put an end to the flies, was he again between the 
shafts of the buckboard. 

As they neared the court, about which half a 
hundred Negroes had gathered, Laguerre noticed 
the smoke from the fires they had built of light- 
wood knots, after first raking away the pinestraw 
with forked sticks to prevent the flames from get¬ 
ting away. All Negroes love fire, but none so 
well as the black folk of the Low-country. If 
the weather be cold, or even cool, timber-cutters, 
field hands, ditchers—however warming the 
nature of their work—must stop from time to 
time to huddle over a pitiful handful of coals 
to warm themselves. It seems almost a rite, as 
with the ancient fire-worshipers, and they never 
realize, as does the white man, that warmth which 


186 


TO HAVE AND TO SCOLD 


comes from physical exertion is far more lasting 
than that which comes from fire. 

“Scipio,” said Laguerre, “why are you darkies 
so fond of fire? ,, 

“Maussuh, Nigguh haffuh hab fiah, ’cause Gawd 
mek’um dat way. Uh dunkyuh weh ’e yiz, da’ fiah 
haffuh git, en’ de Nigguh haffuh mek’um fuh 
’eself. Maussuh, Uh tell you de trute, ef you tek 
Nigguh en’ pitt’um een da’ place weh de debble 
lib, him wouldn’ dey dey fibe minnit befo’ him fuh 
quizzit de debble en’ ax’um, ‘Budduh, wuh kind’uh 
fiah you call dis? Ef you gimme some match, 
Uh fuh mek fiah fuh meself, ’cause we man wuh 
come frum Slann’ I’lun’ nebbuh gwine sattify wid 
no shishuh fiah lukkuh dis! ’E yent wu’t’ fuh 
roas’ ’tettuh; hukkuh him kin speci fy fuh roas’ 
Nigguh?’ Duh so ’e stan’. Nigguh! Fiah duh 
him Jedus!” 

When Cud jo had called the court to order, La¬ 
guerre looked the crowd over and took stock of 
its possibilities for entertainment. The Jewish 
merchant was there, flanked by his black witness 
Quakoo, and both, having heard of Laguerre’s 
testy temper, and not having heard that his bark 
was worse than his bite, wore anxious faces. 

Of the Wineglasses, Daphne looked the more ap¬ 
prehensive, for though she was unaware that 
Caesar had reported her tantrums to Laguerre, 
she was afraid it might come out at the hearing, 


187 


LAGUERRE 


and having heard “Jedge’s” rasping of Tumbo, 
she had a very wholesome respect for the punitive 
power of “Jedge’s” tongue. 

Caesar, although always subdued in the pres¬ 
ence of his wife, believed she had done her worst, 
for after the dreadful cannonading she had poured 
upon him during the week, he thought her verbal 
caissons must, by now, be empty. Then, too, he 
hoped that Laguerre, knowing how matters stood 
between them, would presently haul her over the 
coals and abate somewhat her shrewishness; so, 
with nothing to lose and something to gain, he 
awaited with composure the fortunes of the day. 

Laguerre, though knowing the Jewish merchant 
for a usurer and a cheat, was unwilling to submit 
him to the indignity of having his name called 
familiarly by a Negro court crier, so he sum¬ 
moned him to the bar and demanded a statement 
in detail as to the sale of the ox to “Mis’ Wine¬ 
glass.” This information, or Caesar’s version of 
it, he already had, and knowing that Caesar had 
nothing to gain by lying, he believed Caesar 
had spoken the truth. 

“Veil, Chudge,” the merchant began, “it vos dis 
vay. Dis Vineglass voman, she come to me to 
buy my ox. I sell de voman my ox. De voman, 
she pay to me free tollar kash, ant de voman, 
she owe to me ten tollar. Now, ven I come for 


188 


TO HAVE AND TO SCOLD 


mine ten tollar, dis Vineglass voman, she haf only 
sefen tollar ant—” 

“Stop! What evidence have you that this woman 
owes you ten dollars, or anything? Did she give 
you a note, or promise with her mouth ?” 

“Chudge, de vorts of dis voman’s mouth iss 
not vorth to me anything vhatefer on Vadmalaw. 

I haf de voman’s bont for mine ten tollar.” 

“Produce the bond!” Laguerre demanded, and 
when it was handed over, he studied the instru¬ 
ment amusedly for several minutes. The mer¬ 
chant’s cross marks were plain enough, but the 
poor foreigner had found Daphne, Caesar and 
Quakoo too much for him orthographically—how¬ 
ever easily he overreached them in money mat¬ 
ters—and his phonetic conceptions of these popu¬ 
lar Toogoodoo names would have been weird even 
in Warsaw. 

Laguerre would not shame him before the 
Negroes, however, but turned instead upon “Mis’ 
Wineglass” and made scornful play upon her 
name. “Daphne,” said he with a smile, “Daphne! 
A sweet and gentle name to bestow upon a tem¬ 
pestuous termagant! When they named you, Da¬ 
phne, no balmy breezes blew over your cradle. 
Boreas himself must have been abroad! Daphne! 
Daphne! Damn!—Tell your story!” 

She told it. Going over, foot by foot, the ground 
so fully covered by Caesar on his surreptitious 


189 


LAGUERRE 


visit to “Jedge” earlier in the week, she came at 
last to the merchant’s visit to her domicile, when, 
as he read from the mortgage form, she realized 
the dreadful bondage in which she had placed her 
“heirs and assigns forever.” 

“Jedge, suh, w’en da’ Buckruh—Uh dunno wuh 
’e yiz, but dem call’um Jew ’puntop Wadmuhlaw 
—w’en him ’suade me fuh le’m pit me name ’pun- 
top da’ papuh, en’ mek cross maa’k en’ t’ing ’pun- 
’um, him nebbuh read de papuh, nuh nutt’n’! Da’ 
Jew say da’ papuh tek ’t’oruhty obuh de oxin, ’e 
nebbuh crack ’e bre’t’ ’bout no hair. Ef Uh had- 
duh bin know suh him plan fuh tek ’t’oruhty 
obuh my hair en’ t’ing fuhrebbuh, Uh woulduh 
bog een da’ maa’sh up to me crotch, eeduhso jump 
een Wadmuhlaw ribbuh, fuh git’way frum’um! 
No, suh! all de hair da’ Jew fuh git dey ’pun da’ 
oxin’ tail. Him haffuh sattify wid dat. ’E yent fuh 
hab my’own! 

“So, attuh him done mek all da’ baa’gin wid 
’eself, en’ pit all ’e han’write en’ cross maa’k 
’piintop de papuh en’ call’um my’own, him tek da’ 
Caesar, wuh Uh hab fuh husbun’, en’ ’e han’write 
him name ’pun de papuh en’ likewise, also, him 
mek cross maa’k fuh Caesar, en’—” 

“Pelion upon Ossa! I thought Caesar’s marital 
cross was heavy enough!” 

“Suh!” 


190 


TO HAVE AND TO SCOLD 

“I thought poor Caesar’s cross was heavy 
enough at home.” 

“Dat’s de Gawd’ trute, Jedge! Uh see you know 
Caesar, ’cause da’ Nigguh cross fuh sowl! En’ 
’e so stubbunt! Uh haffuh scol’um all de time fuh 
keep’um straight! 

“So attuh de Jew done pit ’e cross ’puntop 
dishyuh Caesar wuh blonx to me, him t’row uh 
hebby eensult ’puntop all we Toogoodoo people, 
en’ ’e say suh none de Slann’ I’lun’ Nigguh ent 
wu’t’, so him haffuh hab ’norruh man frum Wad- 
muhlaw fuh witness dem cross en’ t’ing, so de 
papuh kin speci fy, ’cause ’e say him ’f’aid ef Uh 
ebbuh git ready fuh ’spute de papuh, Uh gwine 
mek Caesar fuh lie ’bout’um, en’ say suh de 
baa’gin nebbuh bin mek. So, jis’ ez de Jew gitt’ru 
talk, en’ look ’roun’ fuh hunt witness fuh t’row 
’puntop’uh we name en’ t’ing, please me Jedus, de 
sto’ do’ bin open, en’ dishyuh Nigguh, Quakoo, 
come een! 

“Jedge, you shum dey, en’ you see how ’e stan’. 
W’en da’ Nigguh come een de do’ en’ Uh look 
’puntop’um, Uh haffuh buss’out laugh een de Nig¬ 
guh’ face, en’ Uh hice me ap’un obuh me yeye fuh 
kibbuhr’um! Soon ez ’e come een de do’, de Jew 
call’um fuh witness. De Nigguh bin een de crik 
duh ketch crab, en’ ’e basket full’up wid crab. 
W’en de Jew call’um, him pit ’e basket ’pun de 
flo’ ’tel him kin tetch de pen een de Jew’ han’, en’ 


191 


LAGUERRE 


same time de Nigguh tu’n ’e back ’pun de crab, 
de crab biggin fuh climb out de basket en’ sashay 
’roun’ ’pun de flo’! De Nigguh ketch’um’up een 
’e han’ en’ t’row’um back een de basket, but befo’ 
’e do’um some dem ole rusty crab clabbuhclaw’um 
good. 

“Jedge, w’en Uh yeddy de Jew call de Nigguh 
‘Quakoo,’ Uh haffuh laugh ’gen. De name suit’um 
so good! Uh tell de Nigguh, ‘Budduh! Uh dun- 
no w’ich way de win’ duh blow, but ’e mus’be duh 
blow frum Aff’iky, enty? ’E mus’be ketch you up 
en’ fetch you yuh frum da’ place weh we gran’- 
daddy en’ t’ing come frum een dem cokynot tree, 
’cause you hab uh cu’yus face en’ you hab uh cu’- 
yus name. Quakoo, Quakoo! ’E fuh tek Po’-Joe 
en’ pidgin alltwo fuh talk one time fuh call da’ 
name lukkuh ’e yiz fuh call! 

“ ‘En’, budduh,’ Uh tell’um, ‘you iz black! Ef 
Jedus yeddy me, you black! Uh bin look ’puntop 
buzzut en’ crow een me time, en’ Uh bin look ’pun- 
top chimbly back w’en nutt’n’ but de pyo’ sut dey 
dey, but Uh nebbuh look ’puntop’uh no shishuh 
black lukkuh you iz! Da’ mekso w’en dem crab 
bin look ’puntop you en’ see how you stan’, you 
t’row’um een uh hebby strance, en’ dem nebbuh 
cheep, but soon ez you tu’n’way you eye off’um, 
de crab haffuh jump out de basket en’ shake dem 
foot fuh dance! Budduh! You done fuh oagly!’ 

“Jedge, w’en Uh tell’um dat, de Guinea Nig- 


192 


TO HAVE AND TO SCOLD 


guh swell’up sukkuh toad-fish! 'E oagly mo'nuh 
'e bin at de fus’! Uh tell'um, ‘Budduh, lemme tell 
you! Dishyuh Buckruh pick you out fuh witness 
'puntop'uh we, enty? 'Cause 'e say him s'pishun 
we Slann' Flun’ Nigguh gwine try fuh cheat’um. 
Ef you ebbuh come Slann’ Flun', black ez you iz, 
you fuh cheat we fowl, 'cause ebb’ry Gawd fowl 
wuh we got fuh t'ink fus' daa’k come, soon ez 
dem look 'puntop da’ face wuh you got, en' dem 
fuh fly up 'pun de roos' fuh gone sleep, Uh dunk- 
yuh ef 'e duh middleday! En', Uh tell'um, ‘fudduh- 
mo', you bettuh min’ how you blin’-gawd fool 
you fuh mek track 'puntop Slann’ Flun' wid dem 
splay foot wuh you got, 'cause Jedge ent got no 
use fuh Wadmuhlaw Nigguh, nohow, en' ef 'e 
ebbuh ketch you duh 'dultri fy 'roun' him Nigguh- 
house-yaa’d, Jedge fuh t'row you 'pun da' chain- 
gang, en' fus' t’ing you know you hab ball en' 
chain 'pun you foot, en' shubble een you han', 
duh wu’k road een da’ stiff blue clay to Little 
Pokytaligo, t’odduh side Jacksinburruh!" 

“You seem to have left nothing unsaid." 

“Suh!" 

“You seem to have told Quakoo everything you 
had on your mind," said Laguerre. 

“Yaas, suh, Uh tell'um fuh true, 'cause you 
know, Jedge, how 'ooman stan'! Ef 'e got sump’n- 
'nurruh 'pun 'e min', da' t'ing haffuh come out 'e 
mout', en’ ef any man dey dey w'en 'e come out, 


193 


LAGUERRE 


de ’ooman haffuh t’row dem wu’d en' t’ing 'pun- 
top’um, 'cause man iz man en' 'ooman iz ’ooman, 
en' duh so Gawd mek'um. One haffuh talk, en' 
t'odduh haffuh yeddy.” 

“An equitable give and take!” 

“Yaas, suh, me fuh gib, en' him fuh tek. En' 
man iz shishuh stubbunt t'ing 'ooman haffuh 
po'r 'e mout’ 'puntop’um fas', ef him fuh bowre 
t'ru 'e yez. Man kin bex you tummuch! Ef 'e 
ansuh you back, him fuh bex you, en' ef 'e yent 
ansuh you, him fuh bex you mo’nuh ef him bin 
crack 'e teet' fuh jaw at you! W'en man quawl 
deestunt, en' 'spute wid you, en' ansuh you back, 
you kin do berry well, 'cause 'ooman mout' fuh 
trabble fas’ mo’nuh him’own, en' Uh dunkyuh 
how swif' de man staa’t, 'ooman mout’ gwine 
obuhtek’um! But ef man shet 'e jaw sukkuh osh- 
tuh, en’ nebbuh crack’um open, nuh nutt’n', wuh 
de po' 'ooman fuh do? Ef de man nebbuh gi' you 
no aa’gyment fuh 'taguhnize'um 'bout, you stan' 
sukkuh man duh run race wid 'e own shadduh. 
You nebbuh fuh obuhtek’um! En’ da' de t'ing mek 
me so bex wid de man, 'cause w’en 'e nebbuh an¬ 
suh you back you dunno wuh him duh t'ink 'bout! 
Ef 'e hab pizen een 'e min', you ent fuh know 'e 
dey dey, 'cep' de man spit’um out, en’ ef him neb¬ 
buh spit, da’ pizen fuh lock’up een de man en' 
spile’um!” 


194 


TO HAVE AND TO SCOLD 

“Well, did Quakoo take all you told him without 
answering ?” 

“Jedge, lemme tell you, suh, how da’ AfFikin 
fool me—him en’ de Jew, alltwo. W’en de Jew 
call’um fuh tetch de pen, Uh shum duh mek sign 
at de Nigguh, but Uh nebbuh s’pishun nutt’n’ 
’bout’um, 'cause Uh binnuh look ’puntop de Nig¬ 
guh. De t’ing stan’ so black, Uh cyan’ tek me yeye 
off’um! Den, w’en Uh biggin fuh ’buze de Nig¬ 
guh, de Jew staa’t fuh grin, but Uh t’aw’t ’e bin 
do’um ’cause him iz Buckruh en’ ’e glad fuh yeddy 
me call Nigguh out ’e name, but all de time him 
bin fool me. 

“Jedge, suh, Uh nebbuh bin hab nutt’n’ fuh 
shame me so sence Uh bawn! All de time Uh 
binnuh talk at de Nigguh, en’ tell’um how ’e stan’, 
Uh notice de Nigguh’ face nebbuh moobe, ’e neb¬ 
buh laugh, nuh grin, nuh nutt’n’, en’ ’e nebbuh 
gyap ’e jaw fuh ’spute me, but Uh t’aw’t de Nig¬ 
guh chupit to dat! ’E face smood en’ black en’ 
shiny ez fry’-pan w’en you pit’um ’puntop de fire 
en’ greese’um fuh fry flapjack! Uh bin s’pishun 
’e yent got good sense, mek ’e stan’ so, en’ Uh 
nebbuh know, ’tel anodduh Nigguh come een de 
sto’ jis’ ez Uh staa’t fuh gitt’ru, en’ ’e say: ‘Tittuh, 
Uh sorry fuh ho’t you feelin’s, but all dem wu’d 
done t’row’way, enty? ’Cause dishyuh Nigguh 
deef!’ 

“Jedge, ’e stan’ so! Ef you shoot gun close ’e 


195 


LAGUERRE 


yez, en’ ’e see de smoke, him fuh t’ink you ’cratch 
match fuh light you pipe! Him kin look ’puntop’uh 
lightnin’, but ’e nebbuh yeddy t’unduh roll! Qua- 
koo deef, ’e deef! ’E bin bex me tummuch fuh 
haffuh t’row’way all dem w’ud—but, Jedge, ’e 
yent t’row’way fuh true-true, ’cause dishyuh 
Caesar bin yeddy’um, enty, suh? Berry well.” 

The assembled Negroes, knowing Daphne’s 
gift of speech—many of them, indeed, having felt 
the sharp edge of her tongue—were highly elated 
at the story of her waste of words upon the un- 
receptive Quakoo, who, poor fellow—without hear¬ 
ing—had been dragged into the case by the ears! 
When the laughter had subsided, Laguerre ad¬ 
dressed himself to the ox and its vendor, from 
whom he extracted the admission of an oral 
amendment to the contract, promising an abate¬ 
ment of three dollars if the ox should prove too 
light to plow the stubborn glebe of Slann’s Island. 
There followed a lengthy argument as to the cul¬ 
tural qualities of the soils of Wadmalaw and of 
Toogoodoo, respectively; the merchant holding 
that as the ox was entirely competent on Wadma¬ 
law, his guarantee contemplated the tillage of 
lands of the Wadmalaw type, but the Negroes in¬ 
sisted that as the “creetuh” had been sold to 
Slann’s Island service, it must be able to “specify” 
in the tough “j’intgrass” with which the Negroes’ 
lands were infested. 


196 


TO HAVE AND TO SCOLD 


“Jedge” held with his people, and Daphne paid 
the seven dollars, which the merchant accepted. 
The bond and mortgage, with its dreadful refer¬ 
ence to “heirs and assigns,” was put into Daphne's 
hands and promptly committed to the flames. 

As the paper crackled in the blaze, Cud jo said 
to the now radiant “Mis' Wineglass:” “Tittuh, 
you hair en' t'ing duh swinge, enty? Uh smell'um 
duh bu’n!” 

“No, budduh! Da' hair you smell duh bu'n een 
da' papuh duh de switch 'pun da' oxin tail. 'E 
yent my'own! Attuh dis, Uh gwine hoi' me own 
hair en' t’ing fuhrebbuh. Jew ent fuh hol'um!” 

And now, Caesar, looking at Laguerre with the 
wistful eyes of a setter on a frosty winter's morn¬ 
ing, reminded “Jedge” that he had promised the 
poor Negro to rake over the ashes of his marital 
relations, and see what embers of authority he 
could blow into life to restore the self-respect of 
the master of the house— a designation that had 
long been a mockery. So, rapping savagely with 
his red hatchet, he called “Mis' Wineglass,” and, 
seizing the nettle danger, proceeded to rough-ride 
her. 

“Daphne! What's this I hear of your jawing 
at Caesar, half the day and all the night?” 

“Jedge, suh—” 

“Shut up! How dare you answer me?” 

“Jedge, suh, how you—?” 


197 


LAGUERRE 


“Stop! Never mind how I heard it, I know it, 
and it has got to stop! Every week I hear of some 
confounded frizzle-headed woman running over a 
man! It's getting so none of you have any respect 
for a pair of breeches!” 

“Jedge, suh, britchiz haffuh be ’ooman’ Gawd? 
Man fuh heng up ’e britchiz en’ ’ooman fuh bow 
down befor’um en’ praise’um? Uh dunno how 
Buckruh’ britchiz stan’, but Uh know none uh we 
Slann’ I’lun’ ’ooman fuh tek no Nigguh’ britchiz 
fuh mek Gawd! No, suh! W’en de man tek off 
de britchiz en’ heng’um up ’pun de nail een de do’ 
jamb, wuh ’e yiz? Nutt’n’! W’en ’e yent got man 
een’um ’e yent wu’t’, en’ w’en ’e yiz got man een- 
’um, ef de man no’count, dem alltwo ent wu’t’! 
En’ duh so all deseyuh man stan’ een dishyuh 
neighbuhhood. ’Ooman hab’um een dem house, 
’cause ’ooman haffuh hab man; we haffuh hab¬ 
’um en’ we haffuh scol’um, but none de drat man 
ent wu’t’!” 

“To have and to scold, eh?” 

“Yaas, suh, da’ duh him!” 

“Well, Daphne, as far as Caesar is concerned, 
I’m going to make him take a hoe handle in his 
house, and the next time you straddle your legs 
before the fire and lay down the law man-fashion, 
I’m going to make him dress you down. You 
ought to have a deaf husband like Quakoo to make 
'the punishment fit the crime.’ ” 


198 


TO HAVE AND TO SCOLD 

“No, me Jedus! Da' fine too hebby! Uh red- 
duh hab da' hoe handle ’cross me hanch!” 


199 






“CAESAR... .TURNED TO CLAY” 


On a mild November morning Laguerre sat in 
the sunshine on his front piazza while Caesar, on 
the top step at his feet, told the sad story of his 
failure to master the masterful “Mis’ Wineglass.” 

“Well, did you manhandle her as I told you to?” 

“Suh?” 

“Did you manhandle your wife as I told you 
to?” 

“Great Gawd! Jedge, man ent fuh handle da’ 
t’ing. Him fuh handle man! Nobody wuh got 
on britchiz kin handle da’ 'ooman! De debble kin 
do’um ef 'e tek notion, 'cause him ent got uh 
britchiz to 'e name, but him ent gwine do'um, 
'cause him en' de 'ooman iz two twin. W’en you 
look 'puntop one, you look 'puntop'uh alltwo! Dem 
meat stan' diff'unt, 'cause de debble got hawn 'pun 
'e head, en' 'e hoof split lukkuh cow' hoof, en' 'e 
tail hab fawk een'um, en' him kin quile'um suk- 
kuh snake quile, wehreas de 'ooman ent got no 
shishuh fixin’ lukkuh dat; but, Jedge, w'en you 
quizzit dem h'aa’t, de debble' h'aa't en' de 'ooman' 
own, you fuh shum stan' sukkuh two aig wuh come 
out de same nes'! Ebbuh sence you bin tell de 
'ooman t'odduh day, suh him haffuh treat de 
britchiz dignify, de 'ooman nebbuh count de 
britchiz! Jis' 'cause 'e blonx to man, britchiz duh 
da' 'ooman' pizen!” 


201 


LAGUERRE 


‘‘Didn't I tell you to stand up to her? Didn't 
I promise to back you up ?" 

“Yaas, suh, Jedge, duh so, fuh true, but w’en 
you stan' to me back, you dey fudduh, en' w'en 
de 'ooman stan’ to me face, him dey close, enty, 
en' him duh look een me yeye, en' da' 'ooman got 
blacksnake' skin, but 'e hab rattlesnake' eye! 
Jedge, suh, w’en you tell me fuh knock da' 'ooman 
fuh mek'um mannussubble, you bin tell me fuh do 
uh dainjus t'ing! You t’row me een de lion’ den 
sukkuh dem Jew en' t'ing bin do Dannil een de 
Scriptuh!" 

“Well, Daniel came through, didn't he?" 

“Yaas, suh, 'e come t'ru, but 'e do'um 'cause 
Gawd’ sperrit bin gone een de lion' h’aa’t en' tell- 
'um fuh peaceubble, en’ de lion haa’kee to Him 
wu'd, en' do lukkuh de Lawd tell’um; but Jedge, 
Gawd’ sperrit nebbuh git chance fuh gone een no 
bex 'ooman' h'aa't—not long ez 'e bex!—'cause de 
debble dey dey, en' him iz uh jalius creetuh, en' 'e 
shet de do' uh de 'ooman' h'aa't 'pun de Lawd' 
sperrit, en' 'e watch ebb'ry crack, en’ soon ez 'e 
see Gawd' sperrit duh try fuh creep t'ru fuh 
saaf’n de 'ooman' h'aa’t leely bit befo’ 'e done spit 
out all 'e pizen, Ki! de debble jump to da' crack 
en' stop'um up tight! De debble stan' to de 
'ooman' back, 'tel 'e done gitt’ru say 'e say, en' 
sometime de t’ing wuh 'e yiz say fuh bodduhr'um 
long ez 'e lib—him en' de man, alltwo!" 


202 


“CAESAR....TURNED TO CLAY” 


“A philosopher in black! How do you know 
woman so well?” 

“Jedge, ef you lib wid ’ooman enty you fuh 
know’um? Obsco’se you nebbuh yiz fuh know- 
’um puhzac’ly; you nebbuh yiz know’um 
fuh true-true! You know de t’ing him duh do, 
but you nebbuh know w’ymekso ’e do’um. Him 
stan’ sukkuh dem t’unduh cloud een de element. 
You see de lightnin’ crack de cloud op’n, you 
yeddy de t’unduh roll, en’ you feel de rain duh 
drap ’puntop you. You shum, you yeddy’um, en’ 
you feel’um, but you nebbuh know hukkuh ’e come 
fuh do’um. Gawd, Him know, en’ some de Buck- 
ruh know, but Nigguh en’ po’-buckruh, dem ent 
fuh know. But, w’edduh we know, uh w’edduh we 
yent know, w’en da’ we’dduh come out de ’ooman’ 
mout’ all uh we po’ creetuh wuh hab on britchiz 
haffuh tek’um ez ’e come, enty, suh?” 

“Yes, I suppose so,” said Laguerre, reflectively, 
“but, Caesar,” he added, “I told you that the man, 
as the head of the household, must be the master 
in his house. That is the law. I told you to keep 
a hoe handle in your house and gave you authority 
to use it on Daphne if you couldn’t rule her in 
any other way. Now, when you had the au¬ 
thority, why the devil didn’t you use it?” 

“Jedge, you bin t’row de ’t’oruhty ’puntop me, 
fuh true, but wuh use fuh hab’um ’cep’ you han’ 
strong? ’E cyan’ specify, en’ ’e yent wu’t’! W’en 


203 


LAGUERRE 


Uh git ready fuh knock de ’ooman ’cross ’e hanch, 
lukkuh you tell me fuh do, Uh bin fool ’nuf fuh 
tell de ’ooman ’bout’um fus\ Uh tell’um, ‘Enty 
Jedge tell me fuh knock you ef you sassy? Uh 
gwine tek da’ hoe handle en’ dress you down ’tel 
you fuh jump Jim Crow.’ 

“Jedge, suh, dat weh Uh bin t’row ’way me 
sense! Uh had bidness fuh knock’um fus’, en’ 
den, attuh Uh done dress’um down good, Uh 
coulduh tell’um wuh Uh lick’um fuh. You know, 
Jedge, w’en you got meat fuh pit een you smoke¬ 
house duh wintuhtime, you nebbuh rub da’ salt¬ 
peter en’ salt en’ t’ing een’um ’tel de meat done 
cool off, den de salt en’ t’ing fuh soak een’um 
good, en’ de meat ent fuh spile, but ’ooman en’ 
chillun ent stan’ so. Ef you ketch’um col’, Uh 
dunkyuh how strong you mout’ stan’, de exwice 
you g’em ent wu’t’—long ez de ’ooman’ meat col’; 
but ef you wawm’um up wid lick ’tel de meat duh 
bu’n! Ki! da’ exwice gwine soak een’um ’tel ’e git 
spang to ’e h’aa’t! Den de lickin’ fuh do’um good, 
en’ ’e sweet’n ’e sperrit! En’ dat duh de Gawd’ 
trute!” 

“Well, did you sweeten her spirit?” 

“Jedge, enty Uh tell you suh Uh bin staa’t fuh 
lick de ’ooman too late? W’en Uh tell de ’ooman 
een exwance wuh Uh bin mek’up me min’ fuh do, 
Uh done t’row’way me chance fuh do’um, en’ de 
’ooman buss’up me plan, en’ ’e nebbuh yiz git de 


204 


“CAESAR. .. .TURNED TO CLAY ” 

lick Uh bin prommus’um, en’ de ’ooman’ hanch ent 
bu’n yit.” 

“I’m afraid it never will be burned if you are 
afraid to use the authority I gave you in the name 
of the law—and you a man!” 

“Jedge, Uh iz man, fuh true. Da' w’ymekso 
Uh ’f ! ’aid de ’ooman! En’ da’ ’t’oruhty you bin pit 
’puntop me—da' law you tell me fuh nyuze—weh 
him dey? ’E dey to you house; ’e yent dey to me 
house! Nutt’n’ dey dey ’cep’ da’ ’ooman. Him dey 
dey, Jedge, him dey dey! 

“You ’membuh, suh, how da’ ’ooman do wid da’ 
papuh you pit een ’e han’ t’odduh day, attuh him 
done pay de Jew? Berry well. Da’ papuh, da’ 
mawgidge, bin de law, enty, suh? En’ ’e gi’ de 
Jew prib’lidge obuh de ’ooman hair en’ t’ing. Wuh 
de ’ooman do wid’um? Him pitt’um een de fiah, 
enty, suh? 

“Now, las’ night, w’en da’ fiah fus’ staa’t fuh 
bu’n een de ’ooman, Uh mek’up me min’ fuh do 
wuh you bin tell me fuh do, soon ez ’e git hot 
good, but de Satan bin git hot so fas’, Uh loss me 
chance! Uh bin lef’ da’ skillet ’pun de fiah too 
long; w’en Uh staa’t fuh tek’um off, ’e too hot 
fuh hol’um! Uh bin fool! 

“Jedge, soon ez de debble biggin fuh swell een 
de ’ooman en’ Uh shum duh peep out ’e yeye, Uh 
tell’um, ‘ ’Ooman, Jedge tell me fuh be man een me 
own house, en’ de law fuh stan’ to me back, en’ 


205 


LAGUERRE 


Jedge, him iz de Law. Now, shet you mout', en' 
shet’um fas'! Ef you leff'urn open, Uh gwine flam 
you.' ” 

“Well, did you shut her mouth, or did you have 
to flam her?” 

“Jedge, Uh nebbuh do needuh one, 'cause da' 
'ooman mout’ ent fuh shet, en' man ent fuh flam- 
’um! Soon ez de wu’d git out me mout', de 'ooman 
jump fuh de hoe-handle behine de do', 'e graff- 
'um een alltwo 'e han', en' 'e holluh at me lukkuh 
him bin lion! 

“ ‘Come on,’ 'e say, ‘yuh me! Knock me wid da' 
law you got een you han’, da' 't’oruhty wuh Jedge 
tie 'puntop you! Lemme see ef da' law kin knock 
haa’d mo’nuh dishyuh hoe-handle wuh Uh got een 
me han’! Lemme see ef you man 'nuf fuh do’um! 
Jedge tell you you iz de law, enty? Berry well! 
Wuh de Law iz? De Buckruh write'um 'pun de 
papuh, enty? You see wuh fiah do wid da' papuh 
t'odduh day? Now, fetch'um on, fetch’um on! Me 
duh de fiah fuh bu’n’um! Come on!' ” 

“Well, did you ‘come on’?” 

“Jedge, Uh binnuh wait 'tel de 'ooman gitt'ru 
talk, en’ w’en Uh lef’ me house twix' middlenight 
en fus' fowl-crow las' night, 'e yent bin gitt’ru, 
en' Uh dunno ef 'e gitt’ru yit, 'cause Uh lef’ me 
Sunday britchiz duh heng up behine de room do’, 
en' attuh me yent dey dey, him kin 'buze dem 
britchiz, en’ quawl wid'um, same lukkuh him bin 


206 


“CAESAR....TURNED TO CLAY” 


do wid me. Needuh me nuh de britchiz fuh an- 
suhr’um back, en dat mek’um mo’ bex. 

“Jedge, Uh bin obuhrun meself een me talk. 
Uh gone too fas’. Uh haffuh gone back to de fus' 
gwinin’ off. W'en Uh bin tell de 'ooman suh you 
bin tell me fuh be man een me own house, 'stead- 
'uh 'e skayre’um lukkuh Uh bin 'speck'um fuh do, 
please me Gawd, Jedge, de 'ooman laugh, en' 'e 
hab uh wickit laugh—'e soun' sukkuh goose duh 
hiss. Da' t'ing jis' suit’um! ‘Jedge tell you fuh be 
man, enty?' 'e say, ‘Berrywell, Jedge tell you right. 
Da' wuh Uh binnuh tell you all de time, en' Jedge 
hab good sense fuh tell you de same t’ing. You iz 
man, fuh true, da' mekso you ent nutt'n’ een dish- 
yuh house! Man! Man! Come on, man! Jedge 
tell you fuh manhandle me, en hoe-handle me, all- 
two, enty? Berry well. Do’um, ef you man 'nuf, 
do'um, do’um! Him tell you fuh t'row hoe-handle 
'cross me hanch, enty? Berrywell, shum yuh! 
Yuh de hoe-handle, yuh de hanch; wrassle'um out 
me han' en' knock’um—You en' de Law!'" 

“Well, did you accept her challenge?" 

“Suh?" 

“Did you knock her?" 

“Jedge, man ent fuh knock da' 'ooman! Man 
duh him meat! De 'ooman' mout' so scawnful, en' 
'e hoi' man so cheap, Uh shame fuh ansuhr'um, 
so him gone 'pun de back trail 'gen, 'cause da' 
t'ing you bin tell'um 'bout hoe-handle, duh nyaw 


207 


LAGUERRE 


een’ e min , sukkuh wurrum duh nyaw een dem 
chinkypen! So ’e say, ‘Budduh, lemme tell you 
one time! Long ez man dey een dis house me duh 
de hoe-handle en’ de hoe, alltwo, en’ him iz nutt’n’ 
but de grass duh grow een de du’t. W’en Uh git 
ready, Uh fuh chop’um up, enty? En’ w’en ’e git 
een me way en’ tangle up me foot, Uh fuh chop¬ 
’um up befo’ Uh git ready! Now/ de ’ooman say, 
‘You know how you stan’, en’ wuh you yiz. You 
iz nutt’n’ but de du’t, en you ent wu’t’! Now, git 
out me way, git out me way!’ ” 

“Did you oblige her? Did you get out of her 
way ?” 

“Jedge, Uh ’blige’um. Uh git out ’e way. W’en 
Uh look ’puntop de ’ooman en’ see how sabbidge 
’e stan’, me Jedus tell me fuh le’m’lone, so Uh 
nebbuh ansuhr’um, nuh nutt’n’. Uh g’em de 
flo’!—ef Uh didn’ bin g’em, him woulduh tek’um 
jis’ de same, but Uh g’em. Jedge, Uh g’em! Uh 
git out de ’ooman’ way lukkuh him bin tell me fuh 
do. Uh watch me chance w’en ’e tu’n ’e back, Uh 
ketch me hat off de nail, en’ drap’um ’pun de flo’, 
en’ nex’ time de ’ooman tu’n ’e yeye off me Uh 
grab me hat, Uh crack de do’ easy, en’ Uh gone!— 
Uh haffuh sneak off out me own house, Jedge, same 
lukkuh me bin ketch een Buckruh’ smokehouse! 
En’ w’en Uh git outside de yaa’d, en’ Uh feel me 
two foot loose onduh me, en’ nebbuh yeddy nutt’n’ 
een me yez ’cep’ dog duh baa’k to de Buckruh’ 


208 


“CAESAR. .. .TURNED TO CLAY” 


house, en’ owl duh hoot een de swamp, en’ alltwo 
stan’ fudduh, en’ Uh know suh needuh one duh 
’buze me, Jedge, me h’aa’t git so saaf’ en’ peaceub- 
ble, Uh haffuh drap ’pun me two knee een de du’t, 
en’ tell me Jedus ‘t’enkgawd.’ W’en Uh done pray, 
Uh gone een de pinelan’, Uh rake’up some pine- 
trash onduh one de big tree, Uh mek me bed, en’ 
Uh gone sleep. Dis mawnin’ Uh gone to me 
cousin’ house fuh eat, en’ attuh Uh done eat, Uh 
cut some wood fuhr’um, en’ help’um fix ’e fench, 
’tel time fuh come yuh to you, suh.” 

“What do you want me to do? I told you what 
Daphne needed, and told you what medicine to 
give her. Two or three good trouncings is what 
she needs, and nothing else will cure her.” 

“Jedge, you bin gimme good exwice, en’ da’ 
physic you bin tell me fuh t’row ’puntop de ’ooman 
woulduh cyor’um ef Uh coulduh do’um, ’cause 
da’ physic strong. But ’e tek two man fuh do 
da’ t’ing, ’cause ef one man try’um, him fuh dead! 
Dat wuh Uh bin know all de time.” 

“Then, what the deuce are you going to do about 
it? Are you going back into the house of bond¬ 
age?” 

“No, me Sabeyuh! Nebbuh, no mo’! Him fuh 
tek him road, en me fuh tek my’own! Him kin 
tek him road fus’, en’ soon ez Uh see w’ich way 
him toe duh p’int, me foot fuh lean de t’odduh 
way, en’ ebb’ry step wuh Uh step gwine tek me 


209 


LAGUERRE 

mo ’ fudduh frum de 'ooman, en' me foot fuh ho 1’ 
da' road, Uh dunkyuh ef ’e lead me een de sea, 
'cause Uh know him ent fuh dey dey. En’ now, 
Jedge, ef you please, suh, tell me how de law stan', 
en’ 'splain'um fuh me so Nigguh kin onduhstan , 
'cause Uh nebbuh gwine back to me house no mo'. 
Uh done!" 

“Are you going to give up the house and all you 
have been working for all these years?" 

“Yaas, suh, Jedge, ef him haffuh go 'long wid de 
house, 'e kin hab’um. De 'ooman kin tek me bed, 
me jacket, me shu't, me britchiz—ebb'ryt’ing wuh 
Uh got, 'cep' me skin! Ef him lef’ dat 'pun me 
bone, Uh will sattify, 'cause, ef Uh nakity—if 
nutt'n' dey 'puntop de skin—Uh know da’ skin 
fuh kibbuh peaceubble h’aa't, en’ ef man got dat, 
him oughtuh sattify, enty, suh?" 

“Yes, Caesar, your philosophy is sound for a 
kinky head." 

“Jedge, 'e tek kinky head fuh match kinky head! 
Buckruh ent fuh know’um too good. Same way 
Nigguh' head stan', him h’aa’t fuh twis’up en' 
tanglety same fashi'n. 'E nebbuh fuh comb out 
straight, lukkuh Buckruh' own. Nigguh' head, 
en' Nigguh’ h'aa't fuh kinky 'tel de Nigguh dead! 
Duh so 'e yiz." 

“Caesar," asked Laguerre, “are you regularly 
married to Daphne? Is she your lawful wife?" 

“Yaas, Jedge, him iz me reg’luh wife, same 


210 


“CAESAR... .TURNED TO CLAY” 


lukkuh mos' all dese Slann’ I'lun’ man hab wife. 
Nigguh ent got time fuh bodduh tummuch wid 
preachuh en' t'ing w'en him git ready fuh hab 
wife. Sometime Nigguh frum town come yuh 
een we country fuh wisit, eeduhso fuh stay, en' 
you kin yeddy de ’ooman wuh de man fetch wid- 
'um tell de t'odduh 'ooman 'roun' Nigguh-house- 
yaa’d, 'bout how dem bin hab preachuh fuh hitch- 
'um to de man, but da’ preachuh de 'ooman talk 
'bout dey een town, enty, suh? Nobody 'puntop 
Toogoodoo nebbuh shum, en' de 'ooman jis’ ez well 
fuh say him bin hab preachuh fuh hitch’um een 
New Yawk! Nobody cyan' 'spute’um, en' nobody 
nebbuh b'leebe’um, en' nobody nebbuh bodduh 
'bout'um. Dem jis' tek'um fuh she-she talk, en' 
le’m'lone. 

“Den, now en' den, some dem Nigguh frum 
Adam Run en' Jacksinburruh come yuh down on 
de salt fuh git wife en’ t’ing 'mong we 'ooman, 
'cause deseyuh gal wuh lib 'pun oshtuh, en' mul¬ 
let, en' all da' ralishin’ bittle dem ketch out de 
crik, stan' fat mo’nuh dem Pon-Pon gal, en' dem 
skin mo' shiny, en’ de Pon-Pon man lub fuh hab- 
'um een dem house; so w'en de Nigguh quizzit de 
gal, en' ax'um fuh come een 'e house fuh wife, ef 
de gal smaa't, him fuh tell de Nigguh yaas, him 
lub'um strong, but him iz uh deestunt gal, en' 
Pon-Pon stan' fudduh, en' him 'f'aid fuh gone so 
fudduh frum Toogoodoo, 'cep' him fuh tie 'spon- 


211 


LAGUERRE 


subble to de man, en’ him haffuh hab preachuh, 
eeduhso Trial Jestuss, fuh tie’um. 

“Jedge, dis gal schemy! ’E dunkyuh nutt’n’ 
'bout de law en’ de chu’ch, ’cause him know suh 
w’en de time come fuh man fuh lef’ de ’ooman, 
him fuh t’row’um’way en’ gone, Uh dunkyuh ef 
de chu’ch en’ de co’thouse dey ’puntop ’e back! 
De gal jis’ talk so fuh mek de man b’leebe him ent 
hoi’ ’eself too cheap. So de po’ Pon-Pon Nigguh 
t’row’way two dolluh fuh git da’ stuhstiffikit, en’ 
de stuhstiffikit ent wu’t’ fuh hoi’ da’ Nigguh no 
mo’nuh leely grapewine kin speci fy fuh hoi’ range 
bull w’en him git ready fuh buss’ loose! De bull 
en’ de Nigguh alltwo fuh gone!” 

“But what has that got to do with you and 
Daphne; are you regularly married?” 

“Yaas, suh, da’ wuh Uh jis’ bin tell you. Him 
hab me, en’ me hab him, same lukkuh mos’ all we 
Nigguh een dis neighbuhhood. Him iz de only 
reg’luh wife wuh Uh got, en’ me duh de only man 
wuh him got; en’, Jedge, suh, attuh Uh git loose 
frum’um, him nebbuh fuh hab no mo’ husbun’ 
en’ t’ing een him house, ’cause all deseyuh man 
know’um now, en’ none fuh git ketch een de lion’ 
jaw lukkuh me bin ketch. Da’ ’ooman’ meat stan’ 
stylish, but ’e h’aa’t too dainjus!” 

“How did you happen to ‘hab’um,’ ” Laguerre 
asked. 

“Well, suh, dishyuh Daphne come frum obuh to 


212 


“CAESAR. .. .TURNED TO CLAY” 


W’aley place, t’odduh side Doctor Paul Jinkin’ 
place, en’ him bin hab man befo’ him bin hab me. 
Dat weh him hab de exwantidge obuh me, ’cause 
Uh nebbuh bin hab no wife befo’ Uh bin hab him, 
en’ Uh nebbuh yiz f uh hab none ’gen, no mo’! Uh 
dunno wuh happ’n to de man Daphne bin hab obuh 
to W’aley. Uh dunno ef ’e gone New Yawk uh 
jump een de crick, but Uh know ’e gone, en’ w’ed- 
duh him dey een dis life, uh gone to ’e Jedus, Uh 
know him nebbuh fuh come back Toogoodoo long 
ez Daphne dey yuh! 

“Well, suh, one Sunday Uh gone chu’ch obuh 
to W’aley, en’ Uh see dishyuh Daphne cornin’ 
’long, en’ ’e stan’ so stylish ’e ketch me yeye. Dat 
mekso de man iz fool. ’E look ’puntop de ’ooman’ 
meat, en’ ’e nebbuh see de ’ooman’ h’aa’t—en’ 
sometime de po’ creetuh nebbuh look ’puntop de 
’ooman’ meat. Him t’ink ’e shum, but nutt’n’ 
dey dey. 

“Well, suh, all dem ’ooman to W’aley dress’up 
berry stylish w’en dem duh gwine chu’ch, en’ 
ebb’ry Gawd’ one bin hab one dem high brustle 
’puntop ’e back. You know wuh ’e yiz, suh. Uh 
dunno wuh Buckruh’ own mek out’uh, but Nigguh 
haffuh do de bes’ ’e kin, so de ’ooman git dishyuh 
black moss off de libe-oak tree, en’ dem roll’um 
up en’ twis’um ’tel ’e stan’ sukkuh ottuh skin attuh 
’e done stuff. Den de ’ooman wrop’um up een 
papuh en’ tie ’tring ’roun’um, en’ pitt’um ’puntop 


213 


LAGUERRE 


’e back, en’ tie’um ’roun’ ’e wais’ obuh ’e sku’t 
befo’ ’e pit on ’e frock. Den, attuh ’e t’row ’e 
frock obuhr’um da' brustle fuh hice da’ frock’ tail 
up high, ’tel ’e stan’ sukkuh tuckrey gobbluh’ tail 
w’en him duh strut! De ’ooman do’um fuh fool 
de man, but nutt’n’ dey dey. De man know suh 
nutt’n’ dey dey, stillyet ’e lub fuh look ’puntop’um 
en’ ’e know de ’ooman duh fool’um, en’ ’stead’uh 
him git bex wid de ’ceitful ’ooman, him lub’um 
’cause ’e fool’um! Dem iz man!” 

“What the devil have the bustles on the women 
on the Whaley place got to do with your sticking 
your head in the lion’s mouth? In this year of 
grace, is a buck Nigger fool enough to run after a 
woman because she wears a bigger bustle than 
anybody else? Couldn’t you see, to begin with— 
and to end with—” he laughed—“that Daphne 
didn’t need any other bustle than that Nature had 
so lavishly bestowed upon her! Eh?” 

“Yaas, suh, Uh bin fool fuh true, en’ all dis time 
Uh binnuh suffuh ’cause Uh yiz bin fool. 

“So, suh, Uh look ’puntop Daphne ez ’e cornin’ 
to de chu’ch en’, same time Uh ketch’um een me 
yeye, him ketch me een him’own, ’cause same time 
me binnuh pick ’ooman, him binnuh pick man, 
en’ w’ile me binnuh say to meself, ‘Eh, eh! dish- 
yuh ’ooman stan’ stylish, ’e meat look good, en’ ’e 
step fas’. ’E look lukkuh smaa’t ’ooman. Uh 
’speck’ ef man hab’um een ’e house him fuh tu’n 


214 


“CAESAR... .TURNED TO CLAY” 


’roun’ swif’. W’en chu’ch done out, Uh fuh quiz- 
zit’um, en ax’um ef ’e hab man. Ef ’e yent, Uh 
fuh tek’um fuh wife.’ 

“Jedge, all de time me binnuh study ’bout de 
’ooman, him binnuh study ’bout me. ‘Uh wunduh 
weh dis Nigguh come frum,’ ’e say; ‘Uh nebbuh 
shum befo’. ’E seem kind’uh chupit, but ’e look 
easy, en’ ’e look lukkuh him kin wu’k. Ef ’e yent 
got no ’ooman, Uh fuh tek’um fuh meself; en ef 
’e yiz got ’ooman, Uh fuh tek’um’way frum de 
t’odduh ’ooman, ’cause Uh know, whoebbuh ’e yiz, 
’e yent stan’ stylish lukkuh me, en’ ’ooman lukkuh 
me haffuh git wuh ’e want, enty?’ 

“Duh so da’ Daphne talk to ’eself, en’ soon ez 
’e come out de do’ Uh jine’um, en’ me nuh him 
talk. Uh nebbuh loss no time. Uh ax’um ef ’e 
bin hab man. Him say no, ’e yent hab none, 
’cause him lub fuh pick en’ choose, en’ ’e say dem 
man wuh lib to W’aley so no’count, ’tel de pick 
stan’ sukkuh de choose. Dem all ent wu’t’. ’E 
say all de man on de plantesshun wuh yent got 
wife binnuh quizzit’um fuh hab’um, en’ dem bod- 
duhr’um summuch, dem nebbuh g’em no res’, but 
him haa’d fuh sattify, en’ him nebbuh fuh hab 
none ’tel ’e git one fuh suit. ’E yiz bin t’ink ’bout 
hab uh berry stylish man frum Wadmuhlaw, wuh 
come to W’aley fuh shum, en’ him say ’e look 
fuhr’um fuh come Monday fuh git ’e ansuh. ’E 
nebbuh come duh Sunday, ’cause Daphne say all 


215 


LAGUERRE 


dem W’aley man wuh him done ’jeck’, stan’ so 
jallus, him ’f’aid dem fuh waylay da’ Wadmuhlaw 
man duh paat’, en’ cut ’e t’roat wid oshtuh shell. 

“Jedge, w’en Daphne tell me ’bout hummuch 
cow en’ fowl en’ t’ing him sweeth’aa’t hab, en’ 
all ’bout ’e house en’ ’e groun’ en’ ’e creetuh, en’ 
Uh yeddy ’bout how strong de man duh co’t’um, 
Uh git jallus meself, en’ Uh tell’um no use fuh 
bodduh wid Wadmuhlaw man, ’cause da’ place 
stan’ fudduh, en’ ef him ready fuh hab man, 
him jis’ ez well hab me, ’cause Toogoodoo stan’ 
close mo’nuh Wadmuhlaw, en’ me dey yuh, en’ da’ 
t’odduh man, him dey dey. En’ Uh tell’um man 
iz man, en’ ef me pocket ent strong lukkuh da’ 
Wadmuhlaw Nigguh’ pocket, me h’aa’t strong fuh 
lub’um, en’ me han’ strong fuh wu’k fuhr’um. 

“Den, Jedge, de ’ooman tu’n’way ’e ’ceitful face, 
’e heng ’e head, ’e yeyelash drap obuh ’e yeye, en’ 
’e mek’out lukkuh ’e shame fuh talk ’long man 
’cep’ him maamy dey dey fuh puhtek’um! You 
shum, enty, suh? Den ’e tu’n ’roun’ kind’uh slow, 
fuh face me, ’e grin, en’ ’e say berrywell, attuh Uh 
push’um so strong, him willin’ fuh t’row’way da’ 
rich man, en’ tek me, ’cause me bin fetch’um to de 
p’int fus’; but ’e say ef Uh hadduh wait ’tel tomor- 
ruh come Uh woulduh loss’um, sho’, ’cause him 
foot woulduh lean Wadmuhlaw. Den, Jedge, me 
Jedus tek ’E yeye off me, en’ Uh drap een de 
’ooman’ trap!” 


216 


“CAESAR. .. .TURNED TO CLAY” 


“The spider and the fly, eh?” 

“Yaas, suh—me bin de fly! En’ Uh binnuh 
buzz me wing long time, but Uh jis’ git’way! 

“Jedge, come fuh fin’ out, none dem man wuh 
lib to W’aley ebbuh bin quizzit da’ ’ooman fuh 
hab’um fuh wife. Dem know’um too good! En’ 
no Wadmuhlaw man nebbuh bin come fuhr’um 
needuh—no Wadmuhlaw Nigguh bin mek track 
’pun W’aley fuh t’ree munt’ befo’ da’ day Uh git 
ketch. All dem man bin een de ’ooman’ min’, en’ 
de man stan’ sukkuh bu’d een de tree. De ’ooman 
call’um him’own befo’ him borruh de hatchitch 
fuh split de shingle fuh mek trap fuh ketch’um! 

“En’, Jedge, duh so dem ’ooman do we! Dem 
fuhrebbuh got man duh hide out een de bush. Ef 
de man ent dey dey, dem gott’um ’puntop Wad¬ 
muhlaw, eeduhso een New Yawk! But dem gott¬ 
’um, Jedge, dem gott’um! En’ all de man iz rich, 
en’ all stan’ stylish. No po’ man dey dey, needuhso 
no oagly man. W’en ’ooman duh talk, po’ man 
en’ oagly man ent wu’t’, en’ ef you only got da’ 
man een you min’, en’ you nebbuh haffuh show’um 
to nobody, ’e jis’ ez cheap fuh mek de man fuh 
suit, enty, suh? Berry well. 

“So w’enebbuh true-true man peruse ’roun’ de 
’ooman fuh co’t’um, eeduhso fuh projick wid’um, 
de ’ooman reach een ’e min’, ’e fetch out one de 
man, ’e pitt’um ’puntop ’e knee, en’ ’e play wid da’ 
man. ’E play wid’um sukkuh dem leely gal chillun 


217 


LAGUERRE 

een Nigguh-house-yaa’d play wid dem rag baby 
wuh dem got. Da’ rag doll ent got hair no mo- 
’nuh punkin, but de leely Nigguh gal mek b’leebe 
’e gott'um, en' 'e seddown een’ de du’t, 'e tek da' 
raggity t’ing 'pun 'e lap, 'e git piece'uh pine baa'k, 
en’ 'e comb de hair 'pun da’ smood head, 'e 'ile’um, 
'e twis'um, en' 'e plait'um, jis’ ez sattify ez dat! 

“Duh so dem 'ooman do. Ebb'ry time man wuh 
hab on britchiz come fuh wisit'um, dem fuh trot 
out da' sperrit man wuh yent got on nutt’n'! Some¬ 
time de 'ooman fuh fetch'out two-t’ree man. Yuh 
dem come! You nebbuh see shishuh rich, stylish 
man lukkuh deseyuh sence you bawn! De 'ooman 
walk'um, 'e trot’um, 'e pace’um, 'e cantuhr'um. 
Dem all fuh wu’k haa’d, en' pull plow en’ waa’gin 
en' cyaa’t, fait’ful ez mule, en’ w’en you hitch'um 
een da' light buggy, eeduhso t’row saddle 'pun 'e 
back, you nebbuh see nutt'n' lukkuh him, 'cause 'e 
bow 'e neck, 'e hice 'e tail, en’ 'e jis' ez skittish ez 
ef him nebbuh bin look 'puntop no plow! 

“En', Jedge, suh, da’ man 'ooman got een 'e min’ 
—da' man him tell you him got een de bush w'en 
him duh try fuh mek you j alius—him iz two man, 
eeduhso free, 'cause Gawd nebbuh wrop'up all 
dem t'ing de 'ooman want een no one man' skin. 
No, suh! Him mek da' slim-foot race-hawss fuh 
run race, en' 'e mek da’ stubbunt mule fuh pull 
plow t'ru da’ tough j'int-grass—one ent fuh do all- 
two, en' needuh one ent wu’t' fuh t’odduh man' 


218 


“CAESAR... .TURNED TO CLAY” 


wu’k. Duh so Gawd mek’um. Him mek some de 
man fuh dance, en’ some fuh hor hoe. Ef you pit 
da’ hoe man ’pun de flo’, him foot fuh tangle’up 
en’ t’row’um. Ef you pit hoe een da’ dance man’ 
han’ en’ t’row’um een de sunhot, him fuh cry fus’, 
en’ den him fuh creep off fuh leddown een de shade 
fuh sleep. 

“Duh so de man stan’ wuh Gawd mek, but de 
’ooman t’ink him know how fuh mek’um bettuh 
mo’nuh Gawd, so him man—da’ one wuh ’e mek 
een ’e min’—fuh run race, en’ pull bulltongue t’ru 
da’ j’int-grass, onetime! Him fuh play wid de 
’ooman, en’ wu’k fuhr’um. Him ent fuh talk ’cep’ 
de ’ooman quizzit’um, but wuhebbuh de ’ooman 
ax’um, him fuh hab de ansuh ready, en’ attuh ’e 
tell de ’ooman wuh ’e wantuh know, him fuh shet 
’e mout’ tight, ’tel de ’ooman quizzit’um ’gen. Him 
fuh look good ’nuf fuh mek all dem t’odduh ’ooman 
jallus ’nuf fuh please ’e wife, but ef outside ’ooman 
ebbuh cut ’e yeye att’um, him fuh run een ’e wife’ 
house fuh hide. Dat fuh him , but, Jedge, w’en 
him wu’k haa’d fuh buy stylish frock fuh pit ’pun 
’e wife, en’ de outside Nigguh buzz ’roun’ ’e wife, 
en’ projick wid’um, en’ praise’um, de man fuh be 
glad, enty, suh? Berrywell. 

“So de ’ooman hab uh good time, long ez dem 
duh roll all dem man obuh en’ obuh een dem min’, 
but all dem man dem duh study ’bout, dey een de 
cloud, en’ bumbye, w’en time come fuh pick man 


219 


LAGUERRE 


wuh walk ’pun de du’t, de ’ooman haffuh do de bes’ 
’e kin. Some de ’ooman pick man fuh dance, but 
him duh buttuhfly, him fuh dance all ’e life, en’ 
bumbye, ’e dance ’pun de po’ ’ooman’ grabe. All 
de ’ooman lub stylish man, but some hab tummuch 
sense fuh bodduh wid no buttuhfly, so ’e say, 'Oh, 
me Jedus, dishyuh man oagly, but ’e fait’ful, en’ 
’e lub fuh wu’k, en’ ’ooman haffuh lib. Uh fuh 
tek him, enty, suh? T’engkgawd!’ En’ de ’ooman 
drap uh cutchy to ’e Jedus, ’e tek de man en’ 
gone!—en’ him do berry well, ’cause ’e yent haffuh 
look ’puntop de man all de time! 

“But, Jedge, howebbuh de ’ooman’ chance fall, 
’e nebbuh git all ’e want. One de man always 
git’way out ’e min’, en’ one de t’odduh ’ooman 
gott’um, en’ w’en de ’ooman wuh hab de fait’ful 
man look ’puntop de stylish man wuh de t’odduh 
’ooman got, him fuh say, 'Uh wish Uh bin hab 
race-hawss lukkuh dat’; en’ w’en de hongry 
’ooman wuh got de no’count man look ’puntop de 
nyuseful man wuh him tittuh got, ’e say to ’eself, 
'Uh wish Uh bin hab mule lukkuh dat fuh plow 
fuh me.’ So, Jedge, none de ’ooman nebbuh sattify, 
’cause, alldo’ Gawd mix’up de good en’ de ent 
wu’t’ een some de man sometime, Him nebbuh 
mix’um up ’nuf fuh suit.” 

Then came old Scipio, respectfully: “Maussuh, 
not cutt’n’ yo’ disco’se, but dinnuh ready, suh.” 

“Discourse! My discourse! Why, this con- 


220 


“CAESAR....TURNED TO CLAY ” 

founded Caesar who ran away from his wife be¬ 
cause she talked too much, has been talking all 
the morning telling me about it!” 

“Jedge, Uh yent done tell you.” 

‘‘Tell me another day. Go around to the kitchen, 
and Scipio will give you something to eat.” 

“Yaas, suh, t’engkgawd!” 

“ ‘Imperious Caesar, dead and turned to clay,' ” 
quoted Laguerre, as he rose. 

“Jedge, Uh bin tu’n to clay befo’ Uh dead! Da’ 
’ooman tell me Uh bin nutt’n* but de du’t, en’ him 
done tromple me!” 


221 




“THE LAW AND THE LADY” 


Mid-November. The first ice of the season had 
come with a brilliant white frost whose crystals 
glistened in the sunlight from every spear of grass 
in the fields and open spaces. Earlier and lighter 
frosts had touched the tender leaves that tipped 
the long limbs of the Sea-Island cotton-stalks, and 
nipped the sweet-potato vines, but, under the icy 
hand of the ‘‘black frost,” these were now 
shriveled and dead. 

Before the skirmish line of the early frosts the 
beautiful morning-glories, spread over grassy 
fields and fence corners, or clambering up tall 
cornstalks to fall in graceful festoons to earth 
again, though burned and wounded, bloomed 
riotously on, and glorified the autumn mornings, 
as, through suffering and tears, brave women 
smile to cheer a world in pain. But in the black¬ 
ened vines that long had nourished them, the 
sap of life, now stilled, would flow no more. So, 
as weary hands are folded for the waiting grave, 
each tender chalice folded in the frost, and drew 
within itself, as all must do at last. But earlier 
blooms had left their seeds behind, and these, to 
lie long dormant on the chilled and unresponsive 
bosom of the earth, another summer’s suns would 
warm to life, and other vines would run and 
climb and bloom again! 


223 


LAGUERRE 


In the forests the early fallen leaves of the 
less hardy trees were slowly turning to mold. The 
painted oaks and hickories yet held in greater 
part the leafage they would later yield to wintry 
winds that would not be denied. Among their 
fruitful boughs, now dressed in soberer hues, 
gray squirrels played, or busied themselves with 
winter stores. 

The wine-like tonic of the frosty air had set 
wild things astir, and under its urge, afoot, or on 
the wing, life seemed more restless, as winter, the 
iconoclast, drew near. For winter—intolerant of 
illusions, strips tree and shrub, and sees them as 
they are—as truth strips men. 

And as the trees were bared, the wild creatures, 
that all through the summer had been sheltered by 
their protective foliage, became more wary and 
alert. So men, long sheltered, thrown upon their 
own resources, develop self-reliance, and become 
keener in life’s struggle. 

Deer, when jumped, made longer runs, for far- 
off coverts; flushed partridges whirred away for 
distant bays; and turkeys, put to flight, beat 
noisily on strenuous wings to far sanctuaries in 
lonely swamps. 

Scared rabbits sprang more quickly from their 
forms, ran fast and far, nor stopped to look and 
listen, short of the sheltering arms of the briars, 
for the leaves of the scrub had fallen, and weak 


224 


THE LAW AND THE LADY 


creatures take no chances when lynx and gray 
fox are afoot, and marsh-hawks on the wing. 

Squirrels, that in early autumn had played 
among the heavy leafage of oaks, whose early 
ripening acorns gave promise of the heavier harv¬ 
est to come, now watched more warily for boys, 
and men, and red-tailed hawks, and flattened out 
on leafless limb, or spiraled cautiously on un¬ 
sheltered trunks. 

But “Jedge” was little moved by the stir of 
wild life in the woods, by the vast panorama of 
field and forest. He knew the sun was warm, and 
the keen air tingled in his nostrils, and that, for 
the moment, was enough to put him at ease with 
the world, as he lounged in a comfortable rock¬ 
ing chair on his front piazza to hear the comple¬ 
tion of Caesar’s story, interrupted on the preced¬ 
ing day. 

“Jedge, me wife cyan’ mek me tek’um back, 
enty, suh?” 

“Why, has she intimated a desire to return to 
your bosom, or, rather, bring you back to hers, as 
you were the runaway?” 

“Jedge, Uh yent got no buzzum, een de fus’ 
place, but, ef Uh yiz bin hab’um, Uh nebbuh fuh 
tek him back, not long ez Gawd pit staar fuh 
shine een Him sky! Long ez dem dey dey, Uh 
know suh Him dey dey too, fuh watch obuh we po’ 
creetuh, wuh got ’ooman ’puntop we! Jedge, befo’ 


225 


LAGUERRE 


Uh fuh gone back een da’ spiduh’ nes’, en’ git tan- 
glety’up wid’um, Uh mo’ redduh graff de debble 
by ’e tail, eeduhso ketch mule by ’e behine foot, 
en’ dead one time! ’Cause man jis’ ez well dead at 
de fus’, ez de las’, enty, suh?” 

“Have you heard anything from your wife 
since you took leg bail?” 

“Jedge, me nebbuh tek da’ t’ing you duh talk 
’bout! Me nebbuh tek nutt’n’ out me house ’cep’ 
de shu’t en’ de britchiz en’ t’ing wuh Uh bin hab 
on w’en Uh sneak out me do’ en’ git’way, en’ dem 
same t’ing, uh gott’um on now. Me Sunday jacket 
en’ me Sunday britchiz, en’ all de t’odduh shu’t 
en’ t’ing wuh Uh got, dey een me house. Dem all 
dey dey, en’, Jedge, dem fuh dey dey, ’cause 
Daphne, him dey dey too, en’ w’en him dey dey 
trouble dey dey, sho’ ez wawss got sting!” 

“Well, what have you heard from the wasp? Is 
she still buzzing?” 

“Jedge, him duh buzz. Ebbuh sence Uh git¬ 
’way, Uh binnuh stay to me cousin’ house, en’ 
las’ night me cousin gone to Daphne’ house fuh 
see wuh ’e kin yeddy. Me cousin mek b’leebe suh 
him gone dey fuh borruh de ’ooman’ washboa’d, 
but de ’ooman know berry well him nebbuh come 
fuh no washboa’d, ’e come fuh pick ’e mout’; so 
Daphne mek up ’e min’ suh ef him mout’ fuh pick, 
nobody fuh git nutt’n’ out’um ’cep’ lie—en’ him 
smaa’t ’nuf fuh do’um, too. So befo’ me cousin 


226 


THE LAW AND THE LADY 


kin crack ’e bre’t’, Daphne jump een, en’ ’e woice 
berry saaf’, en' ’ceitful: ‘Uh wunduh weh my 
juntlemun gone?' ’e tell de ’ooman. T’odduh 
night, him pit on ’e hat en’ gone out fuh tek uh 
leetle walk, en' Uh yent shum sence. Ebb’ry day 
Uh cook ’e bittle fuhr’um en’ leff’um by de fiah 
fuh keep hot, so ef him come een ’e house w’en me 
yent dey dey, him wouldn’ haffuh nyam col’ bittle; 
but ’e nebbuh yiz come, en’ now Uh biggin fuh 
git kind’uh oneasy ’bout’um, ’cause Uh ’f’aid ’e 
mus’be bin hab acksidewt.’ 

“Jedge, you shum, enty, suh? You see how ’e 
stan’? Daphne know berry well suh Uh bin to me 
cousin’ house, ’cause him binnuh peep t’ru de 
bush fuh look ’puntop me ebb’ry day ez Uh gwine 
een en’ cornin’ out, en’ him know ’sponsubble suh 
me dey dey duh hide frum’um, en’ de ’ceitful t’ing 
nebbuh bin oneasy ’bout no acksi dent, ’cause him 
know ef Uh yiz fuh hab acksidewt, Uh fuh hab’um 
frum da’ hoe handle een him han’, ’cause, Jedge, 
wehebbuh Daphne dey, acksidewt fuh dey dey 
too! En’ da’ oneasy wuh ’e hab, iz ’cause, sence 
me run’way en’ gone, ’e yent got nobody cun- 
weenyunt fuh ’buze, en’, Jedge, you know, suh, 
some ’ooman stan’ lukkuh dat. Dem too lazy, 
en’ too ’f’aid fuh gone out dem house fuh ’buze 
nobody wuh stan’ fudduh, en’ ef dem ent got man 
’pun dem own do’ step fuh mek do’mat out’uh, 


227 


LAGUERRE 


dem t’ink de Lawd ent treat’um right, en’ dem 
bex wid de Lawd.” 

'‘True enough, Caesar, but some men are like 
that, too, you know.” 

“Jedge, Uh dunno nutt’n’ ’bout man. Uh yent 
got no time fuh study ’bout man, but Uh know 
how ’ooman stan’, ’cause ’ooman binnuh ride me 
min’ long time, en’, ’tel him git off’um, Uh cyan’ 
t’ink ’bout nutt’n’ else. En’ seem ez ef him neb- 
buh yiz fuh git off, ’cause Jedge, ef you pit bridle 
een de man’ mout’, en’ saddle ’pun ’e back, en’ 
girt’um up tight, en’ fetch’um to de ’ooman’ do’ 
step, him sho’ lub fuh ride! But Daphne nebbuh 
fuh ’crape ’e foot ’puntop me no mo’, ’cause Uh 
done! 

“Jedge, you know suh, Uh keep study ’bout how 
fool some ’ooman stan’. W’en Gawd mek ’ooman, 
Him know suh ’e han’ ent strong ’nuf fuh rule de 
man wid knock, so ’E mek de ’ooman smaa’t ’nuf 
fuh git ’roun’ de man, en’ ’suade’um fuh gone him 
way. Gawd do dat fuh puhtec’ de ’ooman, en’ 
sabe’um, ’cause man’ han’ strong mo’nuh him’- 
own. Long ez de ’ooman sattify fuh nyuze de 
ecknowledge wuh Gawd g’em, ’e git’long berry 
well, ’cause ef ’e hab uh good h’aa’t, him kin mos’ 
all de time lead de man de right way en’—” 

“If there’s any good in a man, Caesar, a woman 
can get it out of him, if she wants to, but some 


228 


THE LAW AND THE LADY 


men are hell-bent and no woman, however good, 
can save them.” 

“Dat so, suh, en’, Jedge, you talk de Gawd’ 
trute w’en you say ef anyt’ing dey een de man, 
’ooman kin gitt’um out! ’E stan’ so, Uh dunkyuh 
w’edduh ’e dey een de man’ han’, uh een ’e h’aa’t, 
uh een ’e pocket, him kin gitt’um. Ef Gawd dey 
een de man’ h’aa’t, en’ de 'ooman want’um, him 
fuh tek’um, en’ ef de debble dey dey, de ’ooman 
fuh tek’um same fashi’n, enty, suh? Berry well.” 

“A shrewd observation,” said Laguerre. 

“Yaas, suh, dat w’at Uh bin say. En’, Jedge, 
same lukkuh you say, some de man stan’ so bad 
’tel de ’ooman cyan’ sabe’um, en’ dem duh gwine 
to da’ place weh de debble lib, en’ all shishuh man 
lukkuh dat, w’enebbuh Uh shum, Uh wish Daphne 
bin hab’um fuh husbun’, en’ him bin hab Daphne 
fuh wife! Den dem alltwo kin fin’ de debble w’en 
dem want’um, en’ nebbuh haffuh bodduh fuh 
gone out de house, ’cause de debble him fuhreb- 
buh duh wisit een dem h’aa’t. 

“En’, Jedge, Uh dunno how chance happ’n fuh 
mix’up man en’ ’ooman lukkuh ’e yiz. Ebb’ry day 
Gawd sen’, you look ’puntop oxin en’ mule, race- 
hawss en’ jackass, hitch’up togedduh, en’ none 
de creetuh seem fuh sattify. De oxin t’ink de mule 
too stubbunt, en’ de mule t’ink de oxin too slow; 
en’ ez fuh de race-hawss en’ him paa’dnuh, da 
jackass, dem ent fuh git ’long none’tall, ’cause 


229 


LAGUERRE 

one de head look 'pun de sky en’ t'odduh one look 
'pun de du’t! 

“En' 'nuf man en' 'ooman haa'ness up toged- 
duh sukkuh dem t'ing. You see de haa'd, mean 
man wid da' easy, fait’ful leely wife, en' de man 
'buze’um en’ run obuhr'um 'tel 'e dead. Den you 
see de good man wid de saaf' h’aa't, him fuh 
hitch to da' hebby bex 'ooman wid de debble duh 
bile een’um all de time, en’ him mout' fuh pizen 
da' good man' life. En’ w'en you shum stan' so, 
you wish Gawd coulduh reach down Him han' en' 
tek'way da' good man en’ da’ fait'ful 'ooman, en' 
hitch'um, en' de debble coulduh ketch dem t'odduh 
two—da’ mean man en' da' bex 'ooman—en' fas- 
'n'um togedduh sukkuh cat tie by 'e tail, so needuh 
one kin git loose frum t'orruh one, en' t’row'um 
obuh tree limb, en' leff’um fuh fight 'tel dem 
dead! Den Gawd' sun coulduh shine een de sky, 
en' man en’ 'ooman wuh sattify fuh be peace- 
ubble, coulduh lib peaceubble!" 

“ ‘A consummation devoutly to be wished,' " 
quoted Laguerre. 

“Yaas, suh. But mos' all de t’odduh man, 
'ooman kin manage’um ef him sattify fuh 'suade- 
'um, lukkuh de Lawd show’um how fuh do, but, 
Jedge, alldo' Gawd mek de 'ooman, seem ez ef de 
debble haffuh exwise'um, en' some de 'ooman done 
fuh lub fuh folluh de debble’ exwice! 

“Now, 'cawd’n' to Him plan, Gawd mek man 


230 


THE LAW AND THE LADY 


en’ ’ooman two diff’unt way. De man’ han’ 
strong, en’ ef him cyan’ rule de ’ooman no odduh 
way, him haffuh knock’um, fuh fetch’um to ’e 
han'. En' de ’ooman, him mout’ saaf’, en' w’eneb- 
buh ’e wan’ de man fuh gone him way, him haffuh 
sweetmout’um; ’e yent fuh knock’um, en’ ’e yent 
fuh dribe’um, ’cause Gawd mek ’ooman’ mout’ fuh 
coax, ’E yent mek’um fuh cuss, enty, suh?” 

“That is both the poetical and the popular con¬ 
ception.” 

“You shum, enty, suh? So, sometime, w’en de 
debble git een de ’ooman, lukkuh ’e yiz een da’ 
’ooman Uh bin hab, him exwise de ’ooman fuh 
t’row’way de plan wuh Gawd mek, en’ tek him- 
’own! De debble say ‘Wuh use fuh bodduh fuh 
coax da’ man, en’ lead’um? De man blonx to 
you, enty? Ride’um! Dribe’um! Show you’self 
fuh be man!’ 

“Jedge, dat weh de ’ooman loss ’e chance, en’ 
obuht’row de plan Gawd bin mek fuhr’um! W’en 
de debble tell’um fuh show ’eself fuh be man, 
’stead’uh dat, ’e show ’eself fuh be ’ooman, ’cause 
attuh ’e done drap ’e shimmy, no britchiz dey dey, 
en’ ebb’rybody fuh see how ’e stan’! 

“Jedge, suh, w’en you got chillun ’puntop you 
knee duh play wid’um, en’ de chillun box you en’ 
obuhrun you, you ent fuh bex, long ez de chillun 
know dem iz chillun, en’ know suh you hab pash- 
unt wid’um jis’ ’cause dem iz chillun, but ef de 


231 


LAGUERRE 


chillun staa’t fuh sassy you en’ ’cratch you eye, 
den, play done obuh, en’ you fuh pitt’um down en’ 
switch’um. 

“En’ duh so man en’ ’ooman stan’. Sometime 
w’en de ’ooman lead de man him way, de man 
nebbuh know weh ’e duh gwine, but ef de road 
ent boggy, nuh nutt’n’, en’ ’e yent got no deep rut 
een’um, de man nebbuh ’spute ’bout’um, en’ ’e 
folluh de ’ooman fait’ful. 

“En’, sometime de man see t’ru de ’ooman’ plan, 
en’ see de ’ooman duh coax’um en’ ’suade’um, en’ 
know puhzac’ly weh de ’ooman’ toe duh p’int, en’ 
weh him duh try fuh lead’um; stillyet, ef de road 
ent look too dainjus, en’ ef de man strong ’nuf 
fuh ’pen’ ’pun ’eself, him fuh say, ‘Eh, eh! da’ 
po’ creetuh duh try fuh fool me, enty ? Him t’ink 
’e got ’e finguh een me two eye, but Uh see weh 
’e duh gwine. Ef Uh hadduh bin weak man, Uh 
woulduh bex, but Uh strong, en’ de ’ooman weak, 
so no use fuh bodduh ’bout’um. Ef de ’ooman 
t’ink him duh rule me, Uh yent min’, so long ez 
de ’ooman sattify fuh coax me en’ ’suade me, 
but ef him hadduh try fuh ride me, Uh woulduh 
knock’um sho’ ez Gawd! De road look good ’nuf, 
anyhow, en’ ef Uh fin’ ’e yent suit, attuh Uh 
trabble’um leetle w’ile, Uh kin leff’um, enty ? 
’Cause man oughtuh strong ’nuf fuh trabble een 
de ’ooman’ road sometime .’ So de man laugh to 
’eself, en’ ’e nebbuh tell de ’ooman ’e bin see 


232 


THE LAW AND THE LADY 


t’ru'um, en’ de ’ooman t'ink him bin fool de man, 
en' him laugh to 'eself, en’ de man en' de 'ooman 
alltwo gone 'long de same road jis' ez sattify ez 
dat! 

“Jedge, dat de way Gawd mek man en’ 'ooman 
fuh do, enty, suh? 'Cause dem alltwo ent stan' 
same fashi'n, but w’en de debble git een dat 
’ooman’ h'aa't en’ tell’um fuh ride de man 'stead- 
'uh 'suade'um, den trouble fuh staa’t! Ef de man 
stan' rough, him fuh lick de 'ooman; ef 'e easy, 
uh ef 'e yent strong 'nuf fuh lick de 'ooman, him 
fuh lock 'e mout', en' watch 'e chance, but him 
gwine fool da' 'ooman, Jedge, him gwine fool’um! 

“W'en de debble gone een da’ 'ooman, him fuh 
spile de man en' de 'ooman alltwo. Needuh one 
fuh peaceubble no mo', 'cause w’en de 'ooman tek 
'way de 't’oruhty frum de man, en' shame’um een 
'e own house, de man fuh 'spize 'eself 'cause 'e 
shame, en' 'e fuh 'spize de 'ooman 'cause him t'row 
da' shame 'puntop'um; so de man dunkyuh wuh 'e 
do, 'cause 'e yent 'speck' 'eself, needuhso 'e wife, 
en' soon ez Gawd t'row da' Nigguh-night 'puntop¬ 
'um fuh kibbuhr'um, him en' de owl fuh gone 'bout 
dem bidness, en' de man peruse 'roun' dem t’odduh 
'ooman' house en' projick wid’um same ez ef him 
nebbuh bin hab no wife; en' attuh 'e gone home, 
'e lie to de 'ooman jis' ez easy ez dat, 'cause, at¬ 
tuh de 'ooman tek'way 'e shame frum'um, de man 
dunkyuh wuh 'e tell'um. So, Jedge, dat de way 


233 


LAGUERRE 


some deseyuh fool ’ooman try fuh ride de man 
wuh Gawd bin g’em, ’tel, bumbye, de bridle twis’ 
out de jackass' mout’, de saddle slip off ’e back, 
de ’ooman seddown een de du’t, en’ de creetuh 
git'way—en’ yuh me yiz!” he ended with a laugh. 

“What did your cousin say to Daphne?" 

“Jedge, me cousin, him iz ’ooman, en’ him know 
how fuh lie berry well, but him know ’e yent no 
use fuh t’row’way no lie ’pun Daphne, ’cause him 
done bin look ’puntop me en’ know Uh dey een 
me cousin’ house, so him tell’um no use fuh be 
oneasy, ’cause Uh dey dey. Daphne mek’out luk- 
kuh ’e done fuh glad, en’ ’e sen’ uh ansuh by me 
cousin fuh tell me him hab uh berry ’pawtun’ 
bidness fuh talk ’bout soon ez Uh come back to 
me house. So da’ wawss duh buzz, Jedge, da’ 
spiduh duh spin ’e nes’, en’ Uh yent gwine een- 
’um no mo’, suh, ef you en’ me Gawd stan’ by 
me. You en’ Him iz all Uh got fuh ’pen’ ’pun, 
’cause Gawd, Him rule de sky, en’, Jedge, suh, 
same fashi’n you fuh rule obuh dishyuh Toogoo- 
doo, ’cause all dese Nigguh en’ t’ing dey een you 
han’.’’ 

“Jedge’’ accepted the apotheosis graciously, and 
took thought upon the unhappy Caesar’s plight. 
The situation was complex, for the master of the 
house had forsaken his own roof, stealthily, like 
a thief in the night, leaving behind him his house¬ 
hold gods, and a wrathful goddess, to him, if not 


234 


THE LAW AND THE LADY 


to Greece, “the direful spring of woes unnum¬ 
bered!” The fugitive was willing—passionately 
willing—to abandon his home and all his belong¬ 
ings, animate and inanimate, if only, in the same 
gesture of renunciation, he could divest him¬ 
self of his wife! For Caesar was not on all fours 
with Coleridge in his jab at Job in respect to the 
first “Restoration” in history—“.. . shortsighted 
Satan, not to take his spouse!” Caesar believed 
that Satan had already entered into his spouse 
and would remain with her always. 

Laguerre was familiar with the formal notice 

_published by the husbands of wives who had 

left the “bed and board” of their lords and made 
a break for liberty—warning the public that the 
forsaken husbands would not be responsible for 
debts incurred by the forsaking wives, and he 
resolved, in Caesar’s name, to warn the public 
against crediting Daphne. Not that he thought 
the public would hold Caesar responsible, for his 
masterful wife had long held the purse-strings, 
and had managed the family finances efficiently, 
as is sometimes the way with masterful women. 
This Laguerre knew, for Caesar cheerfully 
conceded the termagant industry, efficiency, and 
thrift—qualities be held to be far outweighed, 
however, by lethal tongue and temper but 
“Jedge” thought a warning posted on the door 
of Caesar’s castle would draw its chatelaine, as 


235 


LAGUERRE 


badgers are drawn, wrathfully and precipitately, 
and, once in the open, Laguerre could test her 
mind in respect to Caesar, whom he was deter¬ 
mined to take from her; even if a legal Caesarian 
operation should be necessary. 

Drawing his chair to the writing table, La¬ 
guerre wrote in ink upon foolscap a proclamation 
which he read impressively to Caesar: “Notice: 
My wife, Daphne Wineglass, having left my bed 
and board, all persons are notified that I will not 
be responsible for any debts incurred by the said 
Daphne Wineglass in my name. Caesar Wine¬ 
glass.” 

“Great Gawd, Jedge! Da’ papuh fuh mek da' 
’ooman bex ez wil’cat, 'cause w’en him yeddy suh 
me abbuhtize ’bout bed en’ boa’d en’ t’ing wuh 
blonx to me, him gwine suck ’e teet’ at da’ papuh, 
’cause him claim all dem bed en’ boa’d en t’ing 
blonx to him. Duh me mek de money fuh pay 
fuhr’um, but him buy’um wid da’ money, en’ at- 
tuh dat, dem duh him’own, enty, suh?” 

“Whether hers or yours, doesn’t matter. I only 
want to smoke her out and find out what is in her 
mind.” 

“Jedge, suh, ef you smoke da’ ’ooman out, fiah 
fuh come ’long de smoke, en’ no use fuh s’aa’ch 
’e min’ fuh see wuh dey een’um, ’cause me kin 
tell you dat befo’ you quizzit’um. De debble dey 
dey, Jedge, de debble dey dey!” 


236 


THE LAW AND THE LADY 


“Then Caesar, we’ll smoke him out. You’ve 
been talking about that devil a long time, and 
now I want to see what he looks like.” 

“Jedge, suh, Buckruh ent fuh shum. Nigguh 
fuh shum! W’en Daphne come yuh befo’ you en’ 
de law, him fuh kibbuhr’um up so close ’tel you 
nebbuh ’spishun da’ t’ing dey dey. Him smaa’t 
to dat, en’ befo’ ’e gitt’ru wid ’e sweetmout’ talk, 
him fuh mek you b’leebe suh him duh de man wuh 
run’way, please Gawd, ’cause me bloody’um up 
wid da’ hoe handle! You bettuh watch’um, Jedge, 
’cause him will fool you, sho’ ez Gawd! Him iz 
’ooman, you know, suh!” 

Laguerre having made up his mind to discipline 
the jade severely, or, at least, to frighten her, 
was undisturbed by Caesar’s fear that she would 
wheedle him out of his purpose, so, sending for 
Cud jo, the constable, he gave him the notice and 
commanded him to proceed immediately to Cae¬ 
sar’s house, presently Daphne’s lair, and nail it 
securely on the door, directing him, further, that 
if questioned by the cockatrice, he should give no 
explanation, save to warn her not to tear it down 
on pain of whatever dreadful penalties his imagi¬ 
nation and his disregard for the truth suggested. 
Cud jo, full of mystery and of importance, and 
with hatchet and nails in his pocket, departed, 
while Caesar, drowsing like a setter in the sun, 
lounged on the bottom step of Laguerre’s piazza 


237 


LAGUERRE 


to await the return of the dark minion of the law, 
with news from the front. 

Cud jo swung along rapidly, his mind full of 
pleasant anticipation of the effect his proclamation 
would have upon Daphne. He had no idea of its 
portent, for he couldn’t read. Neither could she, 
but he knew it spelled trouble for the masterful 
one, between whom and himself there was little 
love lost, for Cud jo was a hoe-handle man—a wife- 
beater—who often wished his legal right as an 
official of Laguerre’s court could be accorded the 
latitude exercised by the black bucks of Slann’s 
Island in respect to marital rights, so that he 
might, within the law, explore the Amazon with a 
hoe handle. Given the latitude—Mis’ Wineglass 
was long on latitude—Cud jo thought he would lay 
on the hoe handle just south of the equator, where 
he was sure it would do the most good! 

On the other hand, Daphne, deep-bosomed, tall 
and muscular, conceived herself quite competent 
to hold her own with the brutal and uncouth 
Cud jo, and she had often looked with interest at 
his ears, his big nose, and his prominent eyes and 
—like melancholy—marked them for her own 
tooth and claw—the lex talionis by which the 
dusky ladies of the plantations are wont to rule 
their lords! “Ef me Jedus ebbuh gimme uh 
chance fuh clabbuhclaw da’ oagly ’ranguhtang, 
Cud jo, en’ ’cratch ’e nose en’ ’e yeye wid me nail, 


238 


THE LAW AND THE LADY 

en’ bite off ’e yez ’long me teet’; w’en Uh gitt’ru 
wid’um, him fuh look lukkuh da’ snag-toot’ har- 
ruh bin ’cross ’e face, en’ him nebbuh fuh beat 
’ooman ’gen, no mo’!” 

It was yet early afternoon when Cud jo came to 
Caesar’s cabin, sometime the house of strife, but 
now given over to the solitary tenancy of Mis’ 
Wineglass, alone with her smouldering temper 
and her now useless tongue. Often, during the 
self-imposed loneliness of the last few days, Daph¬ 
ne had thought bitterly upon the unkind fate that 
had deprived her of a listener, but “the spoken 
word” is of the things that come not back, and 
masterful ladies—critics on the hearth—who 
must have their say, though hearts break, come 
at last to empty hearths, and must, if they talk 
at all, talk up the chimney! 

“Sence da’ no’count Caesar run’way en’ gone, 
me mout’ duh dry’up, ’cause Uh yent got chance 
fuh nyuze’um. Ef Uh bin hab eeb’n da’ black 
Quakoo frum Wadmuhlaw, Uh coulduh talk to 
him, lukkuh Uh bin do t’odduh day. ’E oagly ez 
mongkey, en’ ’e deef ez de debble, but ’e woulduh 
bettuh mo’nuh nobody. Eeb’n ef ’e couldn’ yeddy 
me, Uh coulduh limbuh up me mout’ ’pun’um, but 
now Uh yent got nutt’n’! Uh ’f’aid fuh gone ’mong 
dem t’odduh ’ooman fuh talk, ’cause dem sho’ fuh 
quizzit me, en’ ax me weh my juntlemun gone. 
Dem ebb’ry one know weh ’e yiz, jis’ ez good ez 


239 


LAGUERRE 


me, but dem drat ’ooman gwine ’tarrygate me, 
jis’ fuh mek me shame, so Uh yent gwine ’bout 
de ’ooman, none’tall. But Uh wish Uh bin hab 
Caesar back. Shuh! Dishyuh t’ing ent wu’t’!” 

Caesar came not, but Cudjo did, and announced 
his presence as boisterously as a medieval knight, 
hungry and athirst, battering on the outer door of 
tavern or castle with the basket hilt of his great 
sword! But Cudjo did not demand admittance. 
No welcome of knightly host or avaricious boni- 
face awaited him within. No visions flitted 
through his mind of groaning boards set forth 
with boars’ heads, barons of beef and Brobdignag- 
ian pies; of servitors in leathern blouse and 
buskin, bearing, high-handed over rush-strewn 
floors, great flagons filled with amber-hued and 
ruby-tinted wines; of toast, and quip and laugh¬ 
ter! Nor any dream of oaken tavern table; of 
wide, deep-throated chimney, roaring flames, and 
glowing coals; of slowly turning spits, of roast¬ 
ing capons, lordly rounds of beef; great loaves of 
wheaten and of barley bread, and foaming pewter 
tankards filled with hot spiced ale! The fellow¬ 
ship of jovial friendly men—merchant, monk, 
adventurer—friendly, traveled men upon the 
hearth! 

But Cudjo thought of none of these. The cabin 
door was closed, nor did he take thought whether 
the black panther lurked within; but, hammer- 


240 


THE LAW AND THE LADY 


ing lustily, each hatchet stroke drove a nail more 
firmly in the stout panels of the door, and fastened 
more securely the written warning of the law. 

The panther was abroad, so, finishing his task, 
unchallenged save by the echoes of his hatchet 
from the pine forest nearby, he went his way to 
report to his magisterial master. 


241 













BED AND BOARD 


After posting Caesar's warning on Daphne's 
door, Cud jo “took his foot in his hand'' and hur¬ 
ried back to report to Laguerre that his commis¬ 
sion had been executed. 

“Jedge," he said, “Uh done do wuh you tell me 
fuh do. Uh tek me hatchitch en' Uh nail da' 
papuh 'pun de do', en' Uh hammuhr’um een tight. 
Uh pit two nail to de top, en' two to de bottom, 
en' free to alltwo de side. Uh nail'um ’sponsub- 
ble! En' Uh nebbuh see de 'ooman; nobody bin 
dey, 'cep' de house." 

“Yaas," said Caesar, with a scornful laugh. “No 
use fuh tell we dat. Uh know berry well nobody 
bin dey, 'cep' de house." 

“Hukkuh you happ'n fuh know summuch? Ef 
you so smaa't, tell me how you know'um," the 
constable demanded. 

“Uh know'um, budduh, 'cause you got you eye 
een you head, en' you got you nose, en' you got 
alltwo you yez. Soon ez Uh look 'puntop you en' 
see how you stan', Uh know suh nobody bin dey, 
'cep' de house. No use fuh 'spute 'bout'um, Buh 
Cud jo, 'cause Uh know!” 

“You fink me 'f'aid 'ooman—man lukkuh me?" 

“Uh dunno w'edduh you 'f'aid 'ooman, en' Uh 
dunkyuh w'edduh you iz uh you ent, but Uh know 
Daphne ent 'f'aid no man, en' ef him hadduh 


243 


LAGUERRE 


ketch you w'en you binnuh nail da’ t’ing 'pun 'e 
do', da' ’ooman’ ten finguh woulduh frizzle you 
face 'tel 'e stan’ sukkuh frizzle fowl!” 

“Who, me? Me fuh 'tan’up en’ 'low 'ooman fuh 
clabbuhclaw me same lukkuh me bin de 'ooman' 
own husbun'! Wuh you s’pose me fuh do w'en de 
'ooman t’row 'e han' een me face; en' me got 
hatchitch een me han?'' 

“Uh dunno wuh you fuh do, but Uh know him 
claw swif’ mo'nuh yo' hatchitch, en’ ef you en’ him 
ebbuh hitch, him fuh tayre’off yo' britchiz befo’ 
you tayre'off him sku't!" 

With a gesture of contempt, Cud jo went about 
his business, leaving the question of Daphne’s 
combative prowess in the air, where, in a manner 
of speaking, Daphne herself was at the moment, 
for Cud jo's hurrying feet had hardly brought him 
to Laguerre’s when the chatelaine returned to 
her castle, to find the dreadful warning some 
impious hand had nailed upon the door! Dreadful, 
she knew it was—more dreadful still, charged 
with the mystery of the unknown, for the super¬ 
stitious Negro would always rather suffer the ills 
he has, than fly to those he knows not of! 

To Daphne—so facile with the spoken word— 
the written tongue of Toogoodoo was as a Cunei¬ 
form inscription, and meant no more than Bas- 
com's word to a Lily-white in Georgia! But at the 
indignity some unknown hand had put upon her, 


244 


BED AND BOARD 


she flared up as angrily as the three bears after 
the invasion of Goldilocks, and, about the time 
Goldilocks was reporting to Laguerre, she set out 
hot-foot for Pa Tumbo; neither a scholar in poli¬ 
tics, nor in the church, but the least illiterate 
among the unlettered black folk of the community. 

Tumbo could read after a fashion—a lame and 
impotent fashion—that preferred print to pen¬ 
manship, and, importuned by Daphne he set out 
at once for the maison Wineglass, gathering 
along the way half a score of his church sisters 
and an idle brother or two to season the stew 
now simmering over the fires of Daphne’s wrath. 

Almost silently, the little procession moved 
toward the house of mystery, for Mis’ Wineglass 
had only been able to tell her beloved pastor that 
during her brief absence from home some jinnee 
or unfamiliar devil had placed upon her door a 
writing whose meaning she besought Pa Tumbo 
to reveal, and they were all too full of curiosity 
to waste breath in speculating upon a puzzle 
whose solution they hoped through Tumbo to 
come at so speedily. To Daphne’s curiosity was 
added an intense anxiety that quickened her pace, 
as, stepping out like a drum-major, she hurried 
her companions toward the isolated cabin she 
called home. 

Arrived at last, Pa Tumbo walked boldly up 


245 


LAGUERRE 

to the door and faced his arduous task, for he 
always found difficulty in deciphering the written 
word. Before venturing to read it aloud, he went 
over the proclamation several times to himself, 
the silent sisters clustered about him watching 
with intense interest the movement of his lips as 
they mumbled unintelligibly. Tumbo read the 
signature first. “Caesar” presented no difficulties 
for, while he thought the spelling rather a high¬ 
brow affectation of “de Buckruh,” his Bible had 
made him somewhat familiar with the word, and 
on several occasions he had heard the peripatetic 
“preachuh on de Sukkus,” while visiting Slann s 
Island, render sonorously “unto Caesar the things 
that are Caesar’s,” but Daphne he found as elu¬ 
sive as did the nimble Apollo—and he could by no 
means come at the name by word of mouth. After 
several silent readings, however, he absorbed the 
meaning of the proclamation and, clearing his 
throat, proceeded to enlighten the anxious 
Daphne and her eager companions. 

“Sistuh,” he said, “dishyuh papuh iz uh berry 
cu’yus t’ing. ’E seem lukkuh de papuh call Sis¬ 
tuh Wineglass’ name, but ’e hab uh funny way fuh 
write’um. ’E yent call’um lukkuh we call’um. ’E 
call’um ‘Dap-ne!’ ’E look cu’yus—Dap-ne, Dap- 
ne!” 

“Nemmin’ how ’e call’um,” interrupted Daphne, 


246 


BED AND BOARD 

“tell me wuh 'e say 'bout me. Wuh 'e say? Wuh 
'e say?" 

“My sistuh,” said Tumbo, impressively, “de 
papuh hab yo’ name to de top, en' 'e hab Bredduh 
Wineglass' name to de bottom, en' 'e say dat at- 
tuh you done lef' yo’ juntlemun’ bed en' boa'd—" 

“Bed en' boa'd!” she shrieked, “bed en' boa'd! 
Him bed! Him boa'd! Weh 'e gitt'um? Weh 'e 
yiz? Man fuh hab bed? Enty duh me buy de 
bed frum de Buckruh? Enty duh me pick'up de 
black moss onduh de libe-oak tree en’ stufFum een 
de tickin' fuh mek mattruss? Enty duh me buy 
de tickin' frum de sto'? Enty ebb'ry Cryce fed- 
duh een dem two pilluh wuh Uh got come out my 
fowl? En’ ez fuh de boa'd! Enty duh me buy 
boa'd frum de sawmill, en’ pay Nigguh fuh fetch- 
'um frum de mill een 'e oxin cyaa’t fuh mek fowl- 
house een me yaa’d? Enty duh me buy nail 
frum de sto' fuh nail'um up? Enty duh me stan' 
obuh Caesar en' mek’um nail’um up? Enty duh 
my eye haffuh watch’um, en' enty duh my mout' 
haffuh scol’um fuh mek'um do’um right?" 

“Don’t bex, my sistuh, don't bex," said Tumbo, 
soothingly. “You dey een de Lawd’ han', enty?" 

“Uh dey een de debble' han'!" she retorted, 
passionately. “Uh dey een de debble' han', en' 
Uh dunkyuh ef Uh nebbuh git out'um no mo’!" 

“Oh, Jedus! De debble got ti' Daphne! De deb¬ 
ble gott'um!" shouted a church sister. 


247 


LAGUERRE 


Daphne turned on her furiously: “Shet you 
mout’, ’ooman! Shet you mout’! Ef ’e yiz, wuh 
you got fuh do wid’um?” 

“Be pashunt, my sistuh, be pashunt,” Tumbo 
pleaded. “You iz de daughtuh ub de Lawd, you 
know, en’ ef de debble dey dey, lukkuh you say, 
yo’ pastuh will haffuh pray’um out, enty, so dat 
dy sperrit shill be cleanse w’ite ez snow.” 

“Don’ bodduh me, Reb’ren’, don’ bodduh me! 
Uh too bex fuh pray. Da’ snow en’ t’ing haffuh 
wait 'tel Uh git cool, en’ Uh nebbuh yiz fuh git 
cool ’tel Uh ketch de Nigguh wuh bin to me house 
en’ nail dis t’ing ’puntop me do’ w’en me back bin 
tu’n. Read’um now, Reb’ren’. Read de odduhres’, 
en’ see wuh ’e sayand Tumbo, thus appealed to, 
essayed another “spell.” 

“ ’E say, my sistuh,” said the scholar, stumb- 
lingly, “de papuh say, ’e say, ‘Notus: My wife 
Dap-ne,’ ’e say, ‘My wife Dap-ne Wineglass hab 
lef’ my bed en’ boa’d—” 

“Oh, Jedus! Him duh talk ’bout da’ bed en’ 
boa’d ’gen, attuh all wuh Uh done tell oonuh 
’bout’um!” 

“Hab pashunt, sistuh, hab pashunt. Da’ papuh 
cyan’ yeddy, you know. De mout’ kin change, 
but de papuh, him ent fuh change. Ef mout’ tell 
lie ’puntop you, en’ you fau’t da’ mout’, en’ ’cuze- 
’um, him kin ’splain ’e wu’d, eeduhso tek’um 
back, but han’write ent stan’ so. Wuhebbuh him 


248 


BED AND BOARD 


say, haffuh dey dey. En' no use fuh 'spute de pa- 
puh, en' 'taguhnize’um, 'cause him ent do nutt’n' 
to you. 'E yent do uh t'ing. 'E jis’ fetch you de an- 
suh wuh Buh Caesar sen'. En', fudduhmo’, dis pa- 
puh say, 'cawd’n' to you done lef' all dem t'ing 
wuh you say him nebbuh bin hab, Buh Caesar ent 
fuh pay none you debt. En' ef anybody credik 
you, de somebody haffuh tek 'e chance, 'cause Buh 
Caesar, him ent fuh be 'sponsubble, none'tall." 

“Oh, me Kingdom come! Dishyuh t’ing too 
hebby! De drat man run'way en’ gone, jis' 'cause 
'e too lazy fuh yeddy wuh Uh bin hab fuh say, en' 
'e lef’ me bed en’ me boa'd, en' ebb'ryt'ing wuh 
blonx to me, en' 'e eeb'n lef' 'e own Sunday britch- 
iz, en' 'e shu't, en' 'e jacket—all duh heng up een 
de room. En' all da’ bed en' boa'd; hukkuh me kin 
run'way en' leff'um! Enty Uh gott'um? Enty de 
bed dey dey een de house? Enty de boa’d dey dey 
een de yaa’d? Me fuh run’way en' lef' me own 
t'ing? No, me Jedus! Man kin do shish t’ing 
lukkuh dat, but 'ooman nebbuh do’um! 'E too 
haa'd fuh git. 

“En’ ez fuh de credik! Hummuch me ebbuh git 
'pun da' po' creetuh' name! Uh nebbuh git none! 
Uh got credik fuh meself een de Buckruh' sto' 
en' de Buckruh' compuhserry, alltwo, en' duh 
Daphne Wineglass gitt'um, en' him name stan' 
'sponsubble fuhr'um; 'e yent duh no Caesar! 

“En' now Uh know wuh de papuh say, all Uh 


249 


LAGUERRE 


want iz de Nigguh wuh fetch'um yuh! W’enebbuh 
Uh ketch’um, Uh dunkyuh who 'e yiz, him duh 
my’own!" 

Suddenly a sleek and stoutish sister, coming up 
belated, joined the group just as Daphne con¬ 
fessed to an appetite for the dark meat of whom¬ 
soever had violated her front door, and Judy 
Chizzum, Tredjuruh-Lady of the I will Arise,— 
she of the uncovered mouth—opened it a little 
wider and poured a can of kerosene upon the in¬ 
candescent temper of Sister Wineglass! 

“Me know de man wuh do’um," she cried ex¬ 
citedly, full of joy at being able to add fuel to the 
flames, “Uh know puhzac’ly who 'e yiz, 'cause Uh 
shum w'en 'e bin cornin', en' Uh shum w’en 'e 
binnuh gwine—" 

“Who 'e yiz," demanded Daphne, “Who 'e yiz?" 

“Uh know ’sponsubble who 'e yiz, 'cause 'e bin 
jis' 'bout hour en’ uh half attuh middleday, w'en 
Uh shum fus'. Uh know 'e mus' be bin close da' 
time; Uh know 'e yent bin fudduh frum da' time, 
'cause Chizzum come home fuh 'e bittle teday. 
'E yent come home fuh eat ebb'ry day, 'cause w'en 
him does go fudduh fuh wu’k, him nebbuh come 
home middleday, none’tall, 'cause 'e alltime cook 
'e bittle soon duh mawnin'—" 

“'Ooman! Drat de 'ooman! Wuh de debble 
me care wuh time Chizzum cook 'e bittle? Uh 
dunkyuh ef 'e nebbuh cook’um! Uh dunkyuh ef 


250 


BED AND BOARD 


’e nyam’um raw lukkuh dem canni bel him bin hab 
fuh gran’daddy een Aff’iky befo’ de Nyankee 
ketch’um en’ fetch’um yuh! Wuh de debble—! 
Uh bex tummuch! Tell me de Nigguh’ name!” 

“—En’ w’en Chizzum cook duh mawnin’, soon, 
’e tote ’e bittle een ’e bucket, en’ w’en middleday 
come, him en’ all de t’odduh Nigguh wuh wu’k 
to da’ place seddown fuh eat. Ef ’e dey een de 
summuhtime, all de Nigguh fuh seddown onduh- 
neet’ de tree een de shade, but een de wintuhtime, 
w’en de we’dduh col’, Nigguh nebbuh hab no 
nyuse fuh shade, en’ tree ent wuT fuh Nigguh 
duh wintuhtime, ’cep’ de leaf done drap off, so 
een de wintuhtime, w’en Nigguh seddown middle- 
day fuh nyam dem bittle, dem fuh seddown een 
de sunhot—” 

‘“Sunhot! Sunhot!”’ Daphne screamed. “Me 
h’aa’t duh bu’n’up wid fiah out da’ place weh de 
debble lib, en’ you tell me ’bout sunhot! Gimme 
de Nigguh’ name, ’ooman, gimme’um!” 

Pa Tumbo again sought to still the tempest of 
Daphne’s troubled heart but, “on information and 
belief” he was ready to swear that no “Nigger 
squat on her safety valve” could hold in her 
steam until her passion had spent itself! “Now, 
sistuh,” he essayed, “you iz berry bex dis mawnin’, 
en’ de Lawd tell we: ‘let not dy angry passhun 
rise’, en’ ’e say, fudduhmo’, to dem dat iz fait’ful 


251 


LAGUERRE 

unto him, ‘de Lawd will relibbuh dy enemy eento 
dy han’.” 

“Reb’ren’, ef Gawd ebbuh ’libbuhr’um een me 
two han’, lukkuh you say Him fuh do, da' Nigguh 
fuh fin’out Uh got ten finguh ’puntop’um! Ef dis 
slowmout’ ebbuh gimme ’e name, Uh nebbuh stop 
’tel Uh ketch’um!” 

But Judy’s “slow mout’ ” could in no wise be 
hurried. Big with her news, she was determined 
to withhold it as long as possible, and then 
“break” it when she had led up to a dramatic 
climax. So, going over the back trail, like a 
careful old hound, she made another start. 

“But Chizzum nebbuh bin gone fudduh fuh 
wu’k dis mawnin’; ’e gone close, so ’e nebbuh bin 
tek no bittle een ’e bucket, ’cause ’e come home 
fuh eat, en’ attuh ’e done eat, ’e seddown ’pun ’e 
chair een de sunhot, jis’ outside de do’. ’E neb¬ 
buh hurry fuh eat, ’e tek ’e time, ’cause de Buck- 
ruh tell’um nemmin’ fuh gone back teday attuh 
’e done eat, ’cause de wu’k wuh dem bin hab fuhr- 
’um kin wait ’tel tomorruh, so Chizzum nebbuh 
bin gone back to de Buckruh, attuh ’e done eat; 
’e jis’ seddown een ’e chair outside de do’, en’ ’e 
’tretch’out ’e foot befor’um, en’ ’e tek ’e pipe out 
’e pocket, en’—” 

“Oh, Jedus!” said Daphne with a moan of 
martyred resignation, “Him duh git ’e pipe! En’ 
den him haffuh ’cratch match, enty; eeduhso gone 


252 


BED AND BOARD 


een 'e house fuh git fiah fuh light'um! En' all dis 
time de nail 'pun me ten finguh duh eetch fuh da' 
Nigguh' two eye! Uh haffuh wait, me Jedus, 'tel 
da' pipe done light, but all de time Uh duh wait, 
me finguh nail duh grow mo' longuh, t’engkgawd! 
Dem duh git mo' longuh!" 

Judy lit the pipe. “Attuh Chizzum bruk up 'e 
tubackuh een 'e han' en' ram’um een 'e pipe, den 
'e biggin fuh s'aa’ch 'e pocket fuh match! 'E 
nebbuh fin' none. 'E s'aa’ch alltwo 'e jacket 
pocket, en’ 'e s’aa’ch alltwo 'e britchiz pocket. 
None dey dey. 'E ax me ef Uh got any match. 
Uh tell'um no, Uh yent got none. Den 'e say 
ef dat de case, Uh bettuh watch out puhtic- 
'luh, en’ don' 'low de fiah fuh gone out 'tel we kin 
hab chance fuh buy match to de sto' w'en tomor- 
ruh come, 'cause tomorruh duh Sattyday en' 
'ooman haffuh gone to de sto'. Uh tell’um Uh know 
dat, en' Uh duh watch me fiah close, 'cause Uh 
know him duh all we hab fuh 'pen' 'pun 'tel de 
match git. Den Chizzum ax me please fuh fetch- 
'um piece'uh fiah out de house, en’ 'e ax me so 
mannussubble, Uh tell'um yaas, Uh willin' fuh 
'blige'um, en’ Uh gone een de house, en' fetch'um 
uh coals out de chimbly. 

“Attuh 'e git de coals—" 

“You nebbuh bin tell we," commented Daphne, 
sarcastically, “w'edduh da' coals bin oak, eeduhso 
hick'ry." 


253 


LAGUERRE 


“ 'E come off 1 'uh oak log, 'cause Chizzum neb- 
buh hab no hick’ry." 

“Uh glad fuh yeddy dat, 'cause hick'ry log fuh 
hoi' fiah summuch longuh mo’nuh oak. Uh 'f’aid 
ef da' coals you bin fetch fuh Chizzum hadduh 
come off hick'ry log, 'stead’uh oak, you woulduh 
talk 'bout’um mo’ longuh." 

Daphne’s grim humor amused the others, but 
Judy, untouched, proceeded. 

“Jis' ez Chizzum light 'e pipe en’ 'tretch'out 'e 
foot befor’um, Uh see somebody duh cornin' t'ru 
de pinelan', en’ him duh swing 'e aa'm berry 
swonguh ez 'e gwine, en’ him duh walk fas'." 

“Wuh time dat bin, my sistuh?" asked Tumbo. 

“ 'E bin 'bout hour en’ uh half attuh middle- 
day; dat de reaz'n Uh bin tell you so puhtic’luh 
'bout Chizzum en’ 'e bittle, en' 'e pipe, 'cause him 
lef' de Buckruh middleday, w’en 'e knock'off, en' 
him haffuh walk home en' nyam 'e bittle en’ light 
'e pipe, so, by de time 'e do dat, hour en' uh half 
attuh middleday done pass, en’ me en' Chizzum 
see de Nigguh cornin' 'long, en’ alltwo uh we shum 
good." 

“ ’Ooman,” said Daphne, pleadingly. “You got 
de Nigguh een you eye, tell me who 'e yiz." 

“Chizzum en' me, alltwo, see de Nigguh at de 
same time, but Chizzum talk fus': ‘Uh wunduh 
weh da' Nigguh gwine,' 'e say, ‘seem ez ef him 
mus'be hab some berry 'pawtun' bidness fuh 'ten' 


254 


BED AND BOARD 


to, 'cause him duh step fas'.' Uh teH’um de Nig- 
guh step fas’, fuh true, but Uh dunno, no mo'nuh 
him, weh de Nigguh duh gwine, Uh only know 
suh de Nigguh ent lib to we plantesshun, 'e yent 
blonx to we, en' 'e yent hab no bidness ’mong we, 
none'tall, 'cause none uh we people obuh yuh ent 
got no nyuse fuhr’um, en’ us dunkyuh ef we neb- 
buh shum! En' w’en you see Nigguh' foot trab- 
ble swif' lukkuh dat, him eeduh duh gwine fuh 
wisit 'ooman, elseso 'e dey at some odduh debble- 
ment, en’ 'e 'f'aid man gwine ketch’um, 'cause 
deseyuh he-Nigguh stan' too drat lazy fuh walk 
fas', 'cep' dem haffuh do’um. W'en Uh tell'um 
dat, Chizzum say, yaas, 'e stan’ so, fuh true, jis' 
lukkuh Uh bin say; 'cause Chizzum iz uh berry 
mannussubble man, en' w'enebbuh me en' him 
talk, him all de time 'gree to wuhebbuh Uh say, 
en' 'e nebbuh 'spute me, 'cause Chizzum hab 
sense." 

“Yaas, 'e hab sense. Him haffuh hab sense," 
said a knowing sister, while the others, to whom 
the man's uxoriousness was as an oft-told tale, 
smiled approvingly. 

Realizing the futility of attempting to stem the 
flowing tide of Judy's speech, she was allowed 
to proceed, without further interruption, to a 
“logical conclusion," or wherever else her insist¬ 
ent tongue might take her. 

“So me en' Chizzum nebbuh say no mo', but we 


255 


LAGUERRE 


alltwo watch de Nigguh long ez we kin shum, ’tel, 
bumbye, de tree en’ de bush swalluhr’um’up en’ ’e 
gone. 

“Leetle w’ile done pass. Den, een ’bout ten 
minnit attuh we yeye done loss de Nigguh, we 
yeddy 'bram, bram, bram, bram, bram, bram, 
bram!’ out yuh een de ’ood, en’ we alltwo bin 
’stonish. Dis time, me duh de man fuh talk 
fus’. Uh say, 'Wudduh dat, Chizzum? ’E soun’ 
sukkuh dem big black Kate woodpeckuh duh knock 
pine tree.’ ‘Yaas,’ Chizzum say, ' ’e soun’ lukkuh 
dem Kate, fuh true, but ’e soun’ mo’ holluh, ’cause 
w’en woodpeckuh knock pine tree, de tree dead, 
eeduhso ’e staa’t fuh dead, en’ you ent fuh git 
holluh soun’ lukkuh dat out’uh no pine tree, ’cause 
long ez ’e duh stan’up, pine tree nebbuh lub fuh 
hab no holluh een’um. Seem to me,’ Chizzum say, 
'seem to me da’ t’ing soun’ mo’ lukkuh man duh 
dribe nail een boa’d wid hatchitch.’ 

"Den, attuh two-t’ree minnit we yeddy’um ’gen, 
'bram, bram, bram, bram, bram, bram!’ ‘Yaas,’ 
Chizzum say, 'da’ duh man duh hammuh nail. ’E 
yent no Kate duh knock. De reaz’n ’e bin stop 
so long iz ’cause him haffuh tek dem nail out ’e 
pocket. Ef him bin hab’um een ’e mout’ him 
coulduh git de nail mo’ cunweenyunt, en’ ham- 
muhr’um mo’ rappit.’ 

"Da’ bin jis’ wuh Chizzum say, en’, please me 
Jedus, de man bin right! Uh nebbuh ’spute’um, 


256 


BED AND BOARD 


nuh nutt’n’, 'cause Uh bin s’pishun all de time 
him bin right, but Uh nebbuh tell’um so, 'cause 
man iz uh t’ing, ef you 'gree wid'um, en' praise- 
'um, him berry aps fuh swell'up en' git swonguh. 
Him swell’up too easy! So Uh nebbuh tell’um 
nutt’n', en' attuh leely w'ile we yeddy da' t’ing 
knock ‘bram, bram,’ some mo', den 'e stop. 

“Attuh 'e stop, me en’ Chizzum keep on tu’n’um 
obuh een we min’ en’ study obuh how de t’ing 
stan', but we cyan' onrabble’um. Ef 'e yiz man, 
wuh 'e duh do? Ef him binnuh mek house, eb’nso 
ef him binnuh mek fowl-house, him woulduh ham- 
muh mo’ longuh. Him wouldn' bin knock shishuh 
shawt time fuh nutt’n’, ’cep’ him binnuh fix ’e 
fench, en’ man nebbuh knock fench hebby luk- 
kuh dat; de soun’ too strong. Jis’ ez we gitt’ru 
tu’n’um obuh en’ mek’up we min’ we cyan’ do 
nutt’n’ wid’um, please de Mastuh, Uh see da’ same 
debble’ub’uh Nigguh cornin’ back obuh de same 
track him binnuh trabble w’en we bin shum at de 
fus’, only, dis time, him duh gwine 'pun 'e back¬ 
track, sukkuh beagle trabble 'pun de back-track 
fuh ketch de trail 'gen, w’en fox en’ wil’cat t’row- 
’um off. 

“Dis time, duh me yeye wuh ketch de Nigguh 
fus’. Uh shum 'way off een de bush duh trabble 
one dem crookety paat’ wuh Nigguh en’ cow does 
trabble, en’ soon ez Uh shum, Uh tell Chizzum 
fuh look 'puntop’um. Chizzum look 'puntop’um. 


257 


LAGUERRE 


‘Eh, eh!’ ’e say, ‘seem ez ef da’ same Nigguh duh 
gwine back by de same road wuh ’e bin come by. 
En’ seem ez ef ’e foot moobe mo’ swif’ ez ’e gwine, 
den ’e bin do w’en him binnuh come.’ 

“Uh tell’um yaas, en’ w’en Nigguh’ foot hasty 
lukkuh dat een de daytime, Uh haffuh s’pishun de 
Nigguh. You look fuh ’e foot fuh hasty duh night¬ 
time, w’en him duh ramify, en’ t’ing, but w’en 
him do’um een de daytime, you haffuh s’pishus, 
’speshly shishuh Nigguh lukkuh dis, ’cause Nig¬ 
guh lukkuh dis, you haffuh s’pishun’um all de 
time. ’E so mean! En’ w’ile we duh talk ’bout’um, 
de Nigguh come mo’ closuh. De paat’ him duh 
folluh tek’um pas’ we house ’bout uh acre en’ 
uh half. ’E cut ’e yeye at we, en’ him see we 
good fashi’n, but ’e nebbuh crack ’e teet’, en’ ’e 
nebbuh mek no mannus, nuh nutt’n’. 

“Uh didn’ ’speck’um fuh mek none, ’cause him 
iz de wuss’ no’mannus Nigguh ’pun dishy uh whole 
Toogoodoo. W’en Uh shum stan’ so, Uh tell 
Chizzum, Uh say, ‘Chizzum, you see da’ heng-dog 
look da’ Nigguh got ’pun ’e face, enty? Da’ Nig¬ 
guh binnuh do some mischeebus t’ing, sho’s you 
bawn. ’Membuh wuh Uh tell you! You fuh see. 
You shum how ’e duh swing ’long, wid da’ hebby 
hatchitch een ’e han’? Him duh de man wuh bin 
hammuh dem nail so strong! Him duh de berry 
man, en’ Uh know him bin some place weh ’e 
hab no bidness fuh gone. Him bin attuh some 


258 


BED AND BOARD 

debbl ement 'pun dis plantesshun, sho' ez Gawd! 
Him mean to dat. You kin s’aa'ch dishyuh whole 
Toogoodoo nation, en' you yent fuh fin' no Nig- 
guh mean mo'nuh him! Uh dunno w’ymekso Jedge 
hab'um een place, 'cause Uh tell ebb'rybody suh 
da' oagly 'ranguhtang, Cud jo—" 

“Cudjo!” screamed the frantic Mis' Wineglass 
as the name she had been waiting for slipped in¬ 
advertently from the lips of the lady whose me¬ 
ticulous and circumstantial narrative had been 
designed to retard the revelation as long as pos¬ 
sible—“Cudjo! Me Gawd nebbuh fuhgit me! Me 
Jedus gimme de Nigguh! Him pitt'um een me 
two han'! En' Uh got ten finguh, enty? T'engk- 
gawd!" 

Judy's balloon of self-importance collapsed sud¬ 
denly and disastrously with the premature birth 
of her portentous secret, and she was heard no 
more, but her spirit still glowed with pride for 
the labial continence that had held her hound of 
mystery so long in leash. 

Now Daphne took the stage, and she yearned 
ardently to adventure with tooth and claw against 
those parts of Cud jo's cranial and facial anatomy 
whose mutilation constitutes mayhem under old 
English law. Uh wan' da' Nigguh' yeye en' 'e 
oagly nose en' 'e two yez. All dem t'ing duh my- 
'own soon ez Uh shum," but she was advised by 
her friends to be patient, for Cudjo, an officer of 


259 


LAGUERRE 


the law, would come under “Jedge's” protection if 
she assailed him during the sittings of Laguerre's 
court, or while otherwise about his business as 
constable. 

Few of the Negroes had any use for Cudjo, a 
rough, ill-mannered fellow—despised by the wom¬ 
en as a wife-beater—so when Daphne, the only 
one among them physically competent to engage 
him in single combat, outlined her plan for bring¬ 
ing the black boar to bay, the feminine Board of 
Strategy promptly agreed. 

“Uh know wuh Uh gwine do, ,, said the fearless 
feminist. “Uh gwine bex da' baboon, en' mek- 
'um knock me fus’. Den Jedge dunkyuh wuh 
Uh do wid’um, 'cause Jedge, him ent 'low man fuh 
knock 'ooman een him country, en’ all dishyuh 
Toogoodoo neighbuhhood blonx to Jedge, en' dey 
onduh him 't’oruhty. Eb'nso ef de 'ooman duh de 
man' wife, him ent hab no prib’lidge fuh knock- 
'um, 'cep' de 'ooman 'buze de man, en' jump 'pun- 
top’um fus’. Tomorruh duh Sattyday, en' de 
we'dduh stan' good, so Uh know Jedge fuh hoi’ 
co’t to him reg'luh summuhtime co’thouse een de 
pinelan' close Toogoodoo bridge, en’ Cudjo, him 
all de time gone to da’ place long time befo' Jedge 
git dey, 'cause him lub fuh strut 'roun' de 'ooman 
en’ t'ing fuh show'off, sukkuh him bin Jedge, 
'eself. But da' 't’oruhty wuh Cudjo t'ink him got, 
'e yent wu't', 'cep' Jedge dey een place. Bedout 


260 


BED AND BOARD 


him dey dey, Cud jo ent nutt’n’! So tomorruh 
mawnin’ Uh gwine watch fuhr’um ez ’e comin , 
’long, en’ ketch’um duh paat’, ’cause w’en him 
dey dey, him iz nutt’n’ but de pyo’ Nigguh. No 
’t’oruhty dey ’puntop’um, ’cep’ ’e black skin en’ ’e 
britchiz, en’ ef me Jedus stan’ by me, deseyuh ten 
finguh wuh Uh got, fuh tayre off alltwo!” 

“My sistuh,” said Tumbo, impressively “my 
sistuh, ’membuh de Wu’d say: 

‘Let dog delight to baa’k en’ bite, 

Let bear en’ lion growl en’ fight, 

Yo’ leetle han’ wuz nebbuh mek 
Fuh ’cratch one’nurruh eye.’ ” 

“Don’ bodduh me, Reb’ren’, don’ bodduh me! 
En’ don’ tell me nutt’n’ ’bout no Wu’d! Uh got 
wu’d een me mout’, enty? Uh gwine baa’k en’ 
bite, alltwo, en’ ’cratch ’puntop’uh him! Uh gwine 
cuss Cud jo fus’, fuh mek’um bex, en’ Uh gwine 
cuss’um strong, sukkuh man. Den Uh fuh ride- 
’um! Uh got de debble een me now. Uh gwine gi’ 
Cud jo de debble tomorruh mawnin’, en’ den, attuh 
Uh done t’row’um een da’ Nigguh, lukkuh him 
bin gone een dem wil’ hog een de Scriptuh, Uh 
will ready fuh pray, Sunday. Uh yeddy suh dem 
Scriptuh hog bin jump een de sea. Cud jo ent 
got no sea fuh jump een, ’cause de sea stan’ fud- 
duh—’e dey t’odduh side Keewaw—but ef him 
jump een Toogoodoo Crik, Uh dunkyuh. Now, 
Reb’ren’, lemme’lone!” 


261 


















; 

































THE TAMING OF THE SHREW 

On Saturday morning Cud jo was swinging 
along a neighborhood road on his way to La- 
guerre’s court. An hour or two in advance of its 
convening, he was taking his time and looking 
about him as he walked, at the forest that was 
now changing under the frosts to its somber 
wintry garb. 

As he came within a mile of the “Court” his 
interest was engaged by the flutter of a petticoat, 
as a woman rose from a log by the roadside, and 
came into the road a hundred yards ahead of 
him. In a moment a second stepped out. “One too 
many,” thought Cudjo. Another joined the other 
two, and Cudjo was disappointed, for then there 
were two too many! “Uh wunduh wuh summuch 
’ooman duh do yuh?” he grunted. He soon found 
out, for when he neared them and faced Sister 
Wineglass as a lion in the path, flanked by Sis¬ 
ters Chizzum and Fields, “summuch” became 
split’um, ’enty?” 

“You iz de black Guinea-Nigguh, de oagly red¬ 
eye’ ’ranguhtang, wuh tek ’t’oruhty ’puntop yo’- 
self fuh come to me house w’en me bin tu’n me 
back, en’ dribe ten-penny nail een me do’ fuh 
split’um, ’enty?” 

“Hukkuh you know Uh bin to you house?” 


263 


LAGUERRE 


“Uh know ’cause you oagly twis’-foot track dey 
dey een de du’t, enty?” 

“Ef Uh yiz bin dey, Jedge sen’ me. Him tell 
me fuh pit da’ papuh ’pun de do’, en’ Uh do’um. 
Now, shet yo’ debble’ub’uh mout’ befo’ Uh knock 
you!” 

“Nigguh! Knock me? Uh know you lub fuh 
knock ’ooman—da’ duh all you iz fuh knock, ’cause 
you nebbuh fuh knock no man—but befo’ you 
knock me, lemme gi’ you sump’n’ fuh knock me 
’bout. Lemme tell you wuh you iz. Ef you hadduh 
bin deestunt w’en Jedge tell you fuh fast’n da’ 
papuh to me do’, you coulduh tek light’ood splin- 
tuh en’ jam’um een de crack, en’ da’ splintuh 
coulduh speci fy fuh Jedge’ wu’d, jis’ ez good ez 
nail; but no, you too mean fuh do dat, ’cause de 
house blonx to ’ooman, en’ de po’ ’ooman ent dey 
dey. En’ you knock dem hebby nail een de do’ wid 
you hatchitch en’ spile de do’, en’ you do’um 
’cause you mean to dat. En’ you know w’ymekso 
you mean to dat? Lemme tell you. You mean 
to dat ’cause you iz buzzut, en’ crow, en’ Nigguh, 
en’ ’ranguhtang, all one time! You gran’daddy 
bin mongkey. At de fus’, Gawd mek’um wid tail, 
but attuh ’e bin too lazy fuh nyuze de tail de 
Lawd bin g’em fuh swing frum de cokynot tree, 
Gawd dry’um up; en’ sence you gran’daddy loss 
’e tail, all you fambly een Aff’iky, you budduh, en 
you tittuh, en t’ing, all stan’ same fashi’n lukkuh 


264 


THE TAMING OF THE SHREW 


you. No tail dey dey, so dem haffuh lib een hole 
een de du’t, sukkuh cootuh en , alligettuh, 'cause 
dem cyan' climb no tree! Now, lemme see ef you 
man 'nuf fuh climb 'ooman! You bin talk 'bout 
knock, now knock me, knock!" 

Cud jo, a surly brute, was restrained by no 
chivalrous impulse from raising his hand to 
woman. Daphne, arms akimbo, tense as a coiled 
steel spring, stood invitingly before him, and the 
invitation was pressing for she was determined 
to goad him into hitting “de fus' lick" so as to 
save her the reproach of an unprovoked assault 
upon an officer of “Jedge's" court. As she laughed 
in his face and spat at him contemptuously, Cud- 
jo drew back his right arm in the threatening 
gesture with which a plantation boxer is wont 
to apprise his adversary of a purpose to project 
a round-arm swing for the jaw—or anywhere 
else—a considerate warning to the adversary to 
get out of the way! As his arm was poised in 
this awkward posture, Daphne tauntingly made 
play upon the constable's name. 

“Hawlback !" she shouted. “Cudjo Hawlback! 
Him is Hawlback fuh true. De name jis' suit. 
'E han’ ent wu’t', 'e han' ent wu't’. 'E haul'um 
back, but 'e cyan' t'row'um out; 'e haul'um back, 
but 'e cyan' t’row'um out, 'cause 'e 'f'aid fuh 
knock, 'cause 'e 'f’aid fuh knock!" 

Cudjo, now red-eyed with wrath, shifted his 


265 


LAGUERRE 


long hickory staff from his left hand to his right, 
stepped back a pace and launched an awkward 
swing that, if it had landed, would have caught 
Daphne just abaft the beam. But it didn’t land, 
for Daphne had anticipated the sweeping gesture 
and saw it coming, and, as it started, she sprang 
quickly within the unguarded gates, for Cud jo, 
depending upon his right hand alone, had not 
taken the trouble to put up his left, which hung 
idly by his side, until the sting of Daphne’s talons 
furrowing his face impelled him to bring it into 
action; but ’twas then too late, for the Trojan 
horse was already within the walls, and he could 
only grasp his assailant in a gorilla-like grip and 
draw her nearer to him; which was precisely what 
his assailant wanted, for Mis’ Wineglass was ex¬ 
pert at in-fighting and the closer Cud jo clasped 
her to his bosom, the more poignantly was im¬ 
pressed upon him the perilous propinquity of her 
finger-nails. And she used them valiantly! 

If the constable had had the wit to drop the 
hickory staff from his right hand, he could have 
hugged, and thrown, and mastered her, but he 
held it fast, and belabored the lady ineffectively 
over the back, whereon she was well protected; 
but, outraged by the indignity of the antipodal as¬ 
sault, Daphne, having achieved her first objec¬ 
tive and sacrificed her victim’s face, locked her 


266 


THE TAMING OF THE SHREW 


arms about his neck, drew his head down sud¬ 
denly and fastened her teeth in his ear. 

With a hoarse scream of rage, Cud jo dropped 
his staff and threw the terror off, but before he 
could strike her, Sister Chizzum, who had picked 
up the long hickory, came to the rescue with a 
threatening gesture, while Sister Fields, feeling 
that “they also serve who only stand and wait,” 
stood by loyally. 

Cud jo knew he was no match for the three 
petticoated musketeers, standing as one, but his 
fury might have impelled him to take a chance, 
had not the quick-witted Judy shouted, “Jedge 
duh cornin’! Jedge duh cornin’!” and pointed down 
the road to a buggy slowly approaching. 

It was not Laguerre and Judy knew it, for the 
burly figure of Pa Tumbo filled her eye at the 
first glance, but she knew no other name would 
so chill Cud jo’s combative ardor as that of the 
testy magistrate; and her psychology was sound, 
for the constable cooled instantly, and when 
Tumbo jogged slowly up a few minutes later it 
was too late to get mad again. 

Pa Tumbo, having left his entirely superfluous 
lawfully-lady behind him, was on his way alone 
to attend Laguerre’s court. Upon reaching the 
group in the road, he stopped to express a sur¬ 
prise he did not feel, for one look at Cud jo’s har¬ 
rowed face and lacerated ear, told him that Sis- 


267 


LAGUERRE 


ter Wineglass had kept yesterday’s promise to her 
Maker that, with His gracious help, she would 
mar the countenance of the “ ’ranguhtang.” The 
promise lacked somewhat of fulfilment, for he 
had held his eyes inviolate, but nose and cheeks 
were cruelly clawed, and his bitten ear dripped 
blood, so Daphne felt the Lord would not hold the 
eyes against her. She had done her best. 

“Bredduh Hawlback,” said the Reverend hypo¬ 
crite, “you seems to bin hab uh bad acksi dent. 
You mus’be bin trip you foot en’ fall down, enty? 
’Cause you face en’ you yez look lukkuh you bin 
stumble een uh harricane tree en’ snag you’self. 
You bettuh git one dese good sistuh fuh tayre uh 
piece’uh clawt’ off his shimmy en’ tie up you yez 
fuh you.” 

“Harricane! Uh yiz bin snag’ wid harricane, 
but ’e yent no tree do’um! ’Tis dem t’ree dyam 
she-cat bin gang me w’en Uh yent bin look, en’ 
dem claw me face en’ chaw me yez, lukkuh you 
shum, en’ dem ebb’ry one blonx to yo’ chu’ch, en’ 
duh you spile’um en’ pit notion een’um ’bout 
’Syety, en’ all shishuh t’ing, en’ den, ’puntop’uh 
dat, you dey dey wid you ’ceitful mout’ duh tell 
de drat wil’-cat fuh tayre ’e shimmy fuh tie up 
me yez! Ef you didn’ bin come so soon, Uh 
woulduh tayre’um off all t’ree fuh meself, en’ 
tu’n’um loose een dis pinelan’ nakit ez nyung 
crow! Now, Uh gwine tek’um to Jedge!” 


268 


THE TAMING OF THE SHREW 

“Oh, me Jedus!” cried Judy, “Yeddy’um duh 
lie! W'en you shum sputtuh lukkuh dat, en' all 
da’ w'ite frawt' come out 'e mout', you know 'e 
duh lie. All dem blue-gum Nigguh stan' same 
fashi’n. En\ Reb , ren , , him say we all free bin 
gang'um. Please me Jedus, nobody nebbuh tetch- 
’um ’cep' Sistuh Wineglass. Him lick’um by 
*eself, him, one! En' Cudjo call 'eself man !—Him 
en' 'e britchiz! 

“En' w'en him talk 'bout tek we to Jedge—Ki! 
Him duh t'row rabbit een briah-patch, enty? 
Only de 'ranguhtang haffuh tu'n eento taar-baby 
fuh tek we! Come 'long, wunnuh gal, leh we go!" 
And with a laugh at her conceit, Judy threw the 
hickory staff contemptuously at the constable s 
feet, and victors and vanquished moved off, with 
Pa Tumbo in the middle, spreading himself as far 
as possible over the buggy seat that he was too 
wise to offer to share with any one of the three 
sisters. 

“My sistuh, Uh berry sorry Uh yent got room 
fuh ax wunnuh all free fuh ride, 'cause dishyuh 
buggy seat too narruh." 

“Dat so, suh. 'E stan' so fuh true," for the 
ladies knew that Judgments of Paris were not for 
Slann's Island parsons, who, in respect to the 
gentler sex, do not commit themselves in public! 

Cudjo didn't travel long in company, but 
walked ahead rapidly and, coming to the meeting 


269 


LAGUERRE 


place well in advance of Tumbo and his feminine 
escort, was the center of sympathetic interest 
until his assailants arrived and gave their side 
of the story. Among those present was Caesar, 
who was frankly delighted that his estimate of 
his wife's prowess had been justified. 

“Enty Uh tell you?" he asked Cud jo tauntingly. 
“Enty Uh tell you Daphne' claw swif' mo'nuh yo' 
hatchitch? Enty Uh tell you him would frizzle 
you face? You bin too swonguh fuh yeddy wuh 
Uh bin tell you. Now, attuh you done clabbuh- 
claw 'tel you nose en' you yez en’ t'ing done spile, 
you sattify, enty? Berry well." 

At noon came Laguerre. One glance at Cud jo's 
dour countenance told him the constable had run 
into a buzz-saw, and he more than suspected that 
Caesar's buzzing wasp had both buzzed and stung. 

“What have you been up to Cudjo?" he asked. 
“Your face looks as if you had been on the devil’s 
gridiron!" 

“Jedge, Uh yiz bin dey. Deseyuh t’ree Satan- 
'ub'uh wil'-cat bin double-team me en' tayre me up 
lukkuh you see." 

“If ‘there was lack of woman’s nursing,' there 
was no ‘dearth of woman’s tears,' eh, Cudjo?" 

“No, suh. Da' Wineglass 'ooman hab claw luk¬ 
kuh de debble' gran’maamy, en’ him duh de one 
wuh tayre me face lukkuh you shum, en' dem 


270 


THE TAMING OF THE SHREW 


t'odduh two stan' by’um so close, Uh didn' hab 
chance fuh ’fen’ fuh meself.” 

“Judy, you seem to have been an innocent by¬ 
stander, tell me about it,” said Laguerre to Sis¬ 
ter Chizzum, who caught his eye as she bustled 
up to the front, with words almost jumping out 
of her mouth. “How did it happen?” 

“Jedge, suh,” said Judy dropping a brisk 
curtsy, “ 'e happen dis way. Me en' Sistuh Fields 
en’ Sistuh Wineglass binnuh walk een de big road, 
en' bumbye, w'en we foot git w’ary we all free 
seddown 'pun uh log 'longside de road fuh res'.” 

“Lying in wait for Cud jo, I suppose.” 

“Jedge, suh,” said Judy with a quizzical smile, 
“we iz 'ooman, you know, en' w’en 'ooman see 
stylish man lukkuh Buh Cud jo cornin' down de 
road, de man full we yeye 'tel we haffuh gone een 
de road fuh look 'puntop’um, close. So w'en Buh 
Cud jo nigh we, all free uh we dey dey duh wait 
fuhr'um, en' soon ez we shum we staa’t fuh quawl 
obuhr’um, 'cause 'ooman is uh jalius f ing, en' w'en 
shishuh stylish man lukkuh Buh Cud jo come’long, 
ebb'ry one de 'ooman say him haffuh be de one 
fuh pass de time uh day, 'cause all uh we lub'um 
tummuch!” 

“Yaas, you 'ceitful debble,” said Cudjo with an 
evil scowl. “Wunnuh lub me sukkuh hawn-owl 
lub rat! Wunnuh lub me wid you claw!” 

“So, Jedge, attuh we 'spute obuhr'um leetle w'ile 


271 


LAGUERRE 


me en’ Sistuh Fields tell Sistuh Wineglass him 
kin hab de fus’ chance, ’cause him kin talk stylish 
mo’nuh we.” 

“En’ ’e drat fang en’ ’e claw mo’ shaa’p,” in¬ 
terjected the clawed one. “Dat w’ymekso ’e 
cyan’ keep no husbun’ en’ t’ing een ’e house! En’, 
Jedge, de Satan cuss me sukkuh man, jis’ ’cause 
Uh nail da’ papuh ’pun ’e do’ lukkuh you tell me 
fuh do, en’ den ’e call me out me name fuh ebb’ry 
debble’ub’uh t’ing him kin lay ’e mout’ to.” 

“How was that, Judy?” demanded Laguerre. 
“She abused an officer of the law for doing his 
duty ?” 

“No, suh, Jedge, him nebbuh ’buze’um fuh dat, 
’cause him ax Cud jo ’sponsubble, w’ymekso ’e 
nebbuh nail’um up deestunt lukkuh you bin tell- 
’um fuh do, ’stead’uh split de po’ ’ooman do’ wid 
dem hebby ten-penny nail. En’ Jedge, suh, Sis¬ 
tuh Wineglass nebbuh bin call Cudjo out ’e name! 
Him nebbuh call’um nutt’n’ ’cep’ Guinea-Nigguh, 
en’ buzzut, en’ ’ranguhtang! Him nebbuh call’um 
out ’e name none’tall, ’cause, Jedge, suh, enty duh 
you tell we suh Nigguh’ gran’daddy en’ t’ing een 
Aff’iky iz mongkey? Yaas, suh, you iz de berry 
man, en’ you tell we ’ sponsubble! En’ we b’leebe 
you, Jedge; attuh you tell we so, we b’leebe’um, 
’cause you stan’ nex’ to Gawd ’puntop dishyuh 
Toogoodoo, Jedge, en’ we haffuh b’leebe you. 

“En’, Jedge, enty ’ranguhtang iz mongkey wuh 


272 


THE TAMING OF THE SHREW 


done drap ’e tail? Hukkuh ti’ Daphne call Cud jo 
out ’e name w’en ’e call’um so? Enty you tell 
we suh one time all de Nigguh bin mongkey? 
Enty you know? W’en da’ eegnunt Nigguh ’tag- 
uhnize ti’ Daphne ’bout call’um ’ranguhtang, him 
ent hab sense ’nuf fuh know suh him duh ’taguh- 
nize him Maussuh, him ent duh ’taguhnize de 
’ooman, him duh ’taguhnize you , ’cause all de 
’ooman do iz fuh tek de wu’d out yo’ mout’ en’ 
t’row’um ’puntop de Nigguh. So, w’en you call 
de Nigguh mongkey en’ de ’ooman call’um ’rang¬ 
uhtang, him nebbuh call’um out ’e name, Jedge, 
him only tek off de tail you bin g’em, en’ ef de 
’ooman hadduh know suh Cudjo woulduh agguh- 
nize en’ ’spute summuch ’bout da’ tail you g’em 
en’ de ’ooman tek off’um, de ’ooman woulduh gi’ 
de Nigguh de tail at de fus’, en’ call’um mongkey, 
’stead’uh ’ranguhtang. You shum, enty, suh?” 

“The point or the tail?” asked Laguerre, 
amusedly. 

“Great Gawd, Jedge, de p’int. No tail dey dey!” 
said Judy, with a laugh. 

“I see the point,” said Laguerre, “and the point 
is well taken. Now, who hit the first lick?” 

“Jedge, suh, nobody nebbuh hit none, no fus’ 
lick, needuhso no las’ lick. Nobody nebbuh hab 
nutt’n’ fuh knock no lick wid, ’cep’ Buh Cudjo. 
Him bin hab da’ long hick’ry stick een ’e han’, 
but ’e yent hab sense ’nuf fuh nyuze’um. Him 


273 


LAGUERRE 


t’reat’n de ’ooman wid’um, but w’en time come 
fuh knock, no knock dey dey. De Nigguh too 
slow. ’E name Hawlback, en’ ’e haul back ’e han’ 
fuh true, but ’e nebbuh knock no knock, cause 
de ’ooman too swif’ fuhr’um. ’E run een en 
fluttuh een de Nigguh face sukkuh roostuh! Den 
Cud jo tek de t’odduh han’ wuh ’e hab—’e lef’ han’ 

_en’ ketch’um ’roun’ de ’ooman en’ hug’um up 

close to ’e breas’ lukkuh ’e binnuh kiss’um, but 
Cud jo nebbuh hab no appetite fuh kiss no wil’-cat, 
en’ de closuh ’e hoi’ de ’ooman, de mo’ sabbidge 
de ’ooman clabbuhclaw’um; en’ all de time de Nig¬ 
guh try fuh lam’um obuh ’e back wid da’ long 
hick’ry stick, but de ’ooman’ hanch tough, en’ 
Cudjo «.van’ do nutt’n’ wid’um, so all de lam ’e 
lam only v nek de ’ooman mo’ bex, ’tel, bumbye, de 
’ooman bite ’e yez sukkuh him bin tarrier, en’ de 
Nigguh bin hog! 

“Den, de ’ooman teet’ sting de Nigguh’ yez 
so keen, ’e drap ’e hick’ry en’ t’row’off de ’ooman, 
en’ attuh ’e drap de stick, Uh pick’um up; but 
nobody hit de fus’ lick, ’cause nobody bin hit no 
lick, none’tall. Cudjo duh de only man wuh hab 
stick fuh knock wid, en’ him bin tu’n ’roun’ so 
slow, ’e loss ’e chance. En’, Jedge, Cudjo iz big 
man, en’ ’e bin hab big stick een ’e han’, en’ de po’ 
’ooman ent bin hab uh Gawd’ t’ing but ’e finguh- 
nail en’ ’e teet’. Enty you t’ink de po’ ’ooman bin 


274 


THE TAMING OF THE SHREW 

do berry well wid wuh de Lawd g’em? Enty, 
suh?” 

“Jedge,” amused by the plaintive note of Judy’s 
plea for her militant sister, thought she had done 
very well indeed, and his admission brought smiles 
to the dark faces of the three feminists, who, at 
the moment, were banded together against man! 
The smiles broadened into grins as Laguerre 
turned upon his constable: 

“Cudjo,” he said, “confound you, you got what 
you deserved for hugging a wildcat in the open 
road. Next time, be more circumspect.” 

“Jedge, you gimme good exwice. Uh nebbuh 
bin s’peck’ de ’ooman ’tel ’e jump me! Attuh dis 
Uh gwine s’pishun all de ’ooman! Soon ez Uh 
see ’e shimmy fluttuh, Uh gwine s’peck’um. Den 
none nebbuh fuh run up on me too close, no mo’.” 

“Daphne,” said Laguerre fiercely, “Judy has 
been saying a great deal for you this morning, 
and saying it well. Now, what the devil have you 
got to say for yourself about Caesar?—Don’t say 
it! If you had lived in New England in the old 
days you would have been ducked in the village 
horse pond for a common scold! 

“Don’t you confounded women know that a 
man is entitled to peace in his own house? Don’t 
you know that if he can’t get it there, he’ll try 
to find it somewhere else? Don’t you know that 
the marriage ceremony—‘me hab him, en’ him 


275 


LAGUERRE 


hab me—in which most of you Niggers are held 
in ‘the holy bonds of matrimony’ is a slip-knot 
that wouldn’t hold a buck rabbit—much less a 
buck Nigger? Don’t you know that Caesar can 
turn you out of his house whenever he wants to, 
or he can take his hat and his britches and quit 
you without a ‘by your leave’? When you know 
these things, why are you such an infernal fool as 
to tongue-lash him all the time? He has left his 
house, now. Do you want to run him off for 
good?” 

“Jedge,” whimpered the Amazon, now 
strangely subdued. “Uh wan’ Caesar fuh come 
back. Uh nebbuh bin want’um fuh gone ’way. 
Uh binnuh talk up da’ chimbly too long.” 

“What saith the noble Caesar?” demanded La- 
guerre. 

“No, suh, Jedge, Uh free now. Uh nebbuh bin 
free befo’ sence Uh bin hab Daphne. Me en’ dem 
crow duh git ’long berry well. Dem talk, fuh 
true, but dem nebbuh ’spute me, nuh nutt’n’. Uh 
yent want no home, suh. Uh yent want no wife, 
’cause peaceubble h’aa’t bettuh mo’nuh ’ooman en’ 
house. Man wuh wan’ dem t’ing kin hab’um, but 
’e yent fuh me. Uh yeddy de Buckruh say ‘one 
man bittle iz ’nodduh man’ pizen.’ ’E so, fuh 
true, en’ Uh yent got appetite fuh pizen no mo’.” 

“You see where you stand, Daphne,” said La- 
guerre. 


276 


THE TAMING OF THE SHREW 

“Jedge, suh, Uh yent duh stan' no place," said 
the penitent. “Uh duh seddown flat 'puntop de 
du't, 'cause me sperrit berry hebby, en' please, 
suh, tell Caesar Uh sorry Uh bex'um. Uh do'um so 
jis' 'cause Uh bin mean, en' 'ooman t’ink ef him 
'buze man, en' de man nebbuh knock um, nuh 
nutt'n', en' nebbuh ansuhr’um back, de 'ooman 
hab prib’lidge fuh 'buze de man mo' hebby, ’cause 
'ooman iz uh t'ing 'e lub fuh 'buze dem wuh 
tek'um." 

“A privilege also exercised sometimes by weak 
men," commented the court. 

“En' tell Caesar Uh bin mean 'cause de debble 
bin een me. Uh all de time t'reat'n Caesar, but 
Uh nebbuh knock'um one time. En’ da' debble 
binnuh bile een me en' Uh couldn' loss'um 'tel 
Uh git chance fuh knock somebody. Uh nebbuh 
knock Caesar 'cause Uh lub'um tummuch, but dis 
mawnin,' soon ez Uh meet da' oagly 'ranguhtang 
een de road en' ride'um, da' debble wuh bin mek 
me so mean en' mischeebus, gone out me h'aa't 
en' gone een Buh Cudjo, 'cause Uh g'em de debble, 
en' de debble dey een'um now, en' ebbuh sence da' 
debble done t'row’way out me h'aa’t, Uh nebbuh 
yiz fuh bex no mo’; en' now me sperrit stan' w'ite 
ez da' snow Pa Tumbo binnuh talk ’bout!" 

“Amen, my sistuh!" said old Tumbo. 

“Oh, Jedus! We fuh hab snow!" said a doubting 
sister. 


277 


LAGUERRE 


“Sut duh fall!” said Cudjo, laconically, as he 
spat on the ground. 

“Daphne,” said Laguerre, with a laugh, “you’ve 
found a new way of taming a shrew.” 

“Jedge, Uh tame fuh true, lukkuh you say. Ef 
Caesar come back een ’e house, ’e fuh be him 
house, him fuh rule’um, en’ wuhebbuh him tell 
me fuh do, Uh gwine do’um!” 

“Well, Caesar?” asked Laguerre. 

Caesar scratched his head. 

“Uh dunno, Jedge. Uh mo’ redduh watch’um 
fus’. ‘Bu’n chile ’f’aid fiah,’ you know, suh, en’ 
‘cut finguh ’f’aid axe,’ en’ w’en mule’ yez full’up 
wid sheep buhr him berry skittish ’bout bridle! 
But Uh kin wisit de ’ooman sometime. Uh kin 
gone to ’e house fuh shum.” 

“You kin wisit me now, Caesar,” said Daphne, 
appealingly. “En’ fus’ t’ing you kin stop up dem 
crack Cudjo bin mek een de do’ wid ’e hatchitch 
en’ ’e ten-penny nail, so de we’dduh fuh keep out.” 

“Yaas,” said Caesar, with an amused grin, as 
he joined her. “T’odduh day you bin tell me Uh 
bin nutt’n’ but de du’t, now you tek me fuh mek 
clay fuh stop crack!” 

“ ‘Imperious Caesar, dead and turned to clay, 

Might stop a hole to keep the wind away’,” 
quoted Laguerre, as with a whack of the red 
hatchet he adjourned the court. 


278 


A JUDGMENT OF SOLOMON 

To those who care for nomenclature the old 
slave records of the Low-country plantations 
would offer an interesting study. The larger 
slaveholders, hard pressed to find names for the 
steadily increasing black populations of their es¬ 
tates, must have searched the pages of sacred 
and profane history to help them out. Adam and 
Eve, Cain and Abel, and Gabriel, the trumpeter. 
Abraham and Isaac, Moses and Jacob. Prophets 
and the sons of prophets. David and Solomon 
and Daniel. Joseph and his brethren—but neither 
Potiphar nor his wife—Sarah and Esther and 
Rachel. Mary and Martha, and John and Peter, 
and Paul and Barnabas. Jupiter and Juno, and 
Venus and Diana. Hercules—but not Antaeus. 
Apollo and Daphne. Caesar and Pompey and Bru¬ 
tus. Cato and Cassius and Cicero. Paris and Helen, 
Achilles and Hector. Antony and Cleopatra. Ro¬ 
meo and Juliet. Hamlet, Ophelia and Yorick. Rose 
and Violet and Lily. Phyllis and Chloe and 
Amarinthia. January, February, March, April, 
May, June, July and August. Sunday, Monday, 
Thursday, Friday. Cud jo, Cuffy, Mingo, Qua- 
koo, Quash. London and Boston. 

And how they were mixed up on the plantation 
books! With entire disregard of the morals, or 
the racial strains of history or mythology, a little 


279 


LAGUERRE 


black boy would carry the name of a Roman sen¬ 
ator, though born to an Olympian goddess and 
sired by an Old Testament prophet of the House 
of Israel!—And the Old Testament prophets 
sired with facility! 

So much for their Christian names—the names 
they commonly used and were known by. Sur¬ 
names, or “titles”, some of them had, but these 
they chose for themselves, independently of their 
masters. Of course certain fine old family ser¬ 
vants bore respected patronymics through suc¬ 
cessive generations, but these were exceptional, 
and often the field-hands—the peasantry of the 
plantations—were known only by their first 
names, qualified, if there were several of the same 
name on the place, by the relationship of the 
individual to some landmark of the plantation, 
whom everybody knew. Thus, Ben Summers 
might have had a title of his own, while Ben Dimes 
was only Ben, the son of old Dimes, as Quash 
George was George, the son of old Quash, and 
George Cephas, George, the son of Cephas. 

But with Freedom, all the freedmen who had 
come out of slavery without them made a wild 
rush for “titles,” and they helped themselves to 
whatever struck their fancy, wherever they found 
them. A few were chromatically content with 
White, and Gray, and Green, and Brown, and 


280 


A JUDGMENT OF SOLOMON 


Black; others were satisfied with the simple and 
easily remembered names of the sturdy English 
Yeomanry who came with the early colonists, but 
the more ambitious of those who sought to find— 
if not to make—names for themselves, chose those 
of the great landholders—sometimes their former 
masters, but more often those of other large slave¬ 
holders. 

So it came that in a very short time the names 
of Pinckney, Rutledge, Barnwell, Heyward, Mid¬ 
dleton, Fraser, Allston, Ladson, Gadsden, Mani- 
gault, Moultrie, Ravenel, Gibbes and many others, 
became household words in ten thousand lowly 
cabins on the sea-islands or along the lower 
reaches of the great coastal plain; and the black 
folk traveling broad highway or lonely path, by 
day or night, exchanging salutations as they 
passed, would proudly mouth the sonorous syl¬ 
lables of “Middletun,” “Mannigo” and “Rab’nel.” 

“Dat you, Mis’ Wineglass ?” 

“No, ma’am. Uh yiz bin name Wineglass, one 
time, but dat bin munt’ befo’ las’. Me en’ Wine¬ 
glass bin hab uh failin’ out, en’ me nuh him paa’t. 
Uh coulduh mek up wid Wineglass, ’cause Uh neb- 
buh fau’t’um much, en’ him do berry well fuh 
husbun’, de way dem stan’, but ’e name ent 
wu’t’. ’E hab uh cu’yus soun’ sukkuh po’-buckruh’ 
name, en’ Uh shame fuh hab some de ’ooman wuh 


281 


LAGUERRE 


bin pick dem title out'uh 'ristycrat Buckruh' 
fambly, fuh call me Mis’ Wineglass w'en Uh 
meet’um duh paat' en' stop fuh pass de time uh 
day. So, attuh me nuh Wineglass suffuhrate, 
Uh nebbuh bodduh fuh gone back, 'cause Hacklus 
Rab'nel him lady leff’um, en’ Uh git chance fuh 
hab him, so w’en de Nigguh ax me, Uh tell’um 
yaas, 'cause 'e name stan' so stylish. Soon ez de 
Nigguh git loose, Uh t'row me yeye 'puntop’um; 
'cause 'e name stan' so stylish Uh bin want'um 
fuh meself. Yaas, ma'am, duh dem eye Uh bin 
t'row 'puntop'um mek de Nigguh ax me fuh hab- 
'um. Him nebbuh know, 'cause 'e t’ink him bin 
ax me fuh 'eself. 

“Him iz man, en' you know how 'e stan', yaas, 
ma'am. —No, ma’am, Rab'nel ent no 'count; 'e 
lazy en' 'e lub rum, 'cause 'e t'ink 'cause him hab 
'ristycrat name him kin do sukkuh dem quality 
Buckruh. But 'e yent wu’t’ fuh feed no 'ooman, 
needuh fuh pit no frock 'pun 'e back; 'ooman haf- 
fuh feed him! Uh wouldn' bodduh wid de Nig¬ 
guh none’tall, 'cep' fuh 'e name, en' da’ Rab'nel 
soun' so rich, de t’ing duh sing een me yez all de 
time. 'E feoun' sukkuh cow bell w’en de cow duh 
cornin’ home late een de ebenin' duh summuh- 
time, w’en dem duh walk berry slow, en' stop now 
en' den fuh bite grass. De name sweet'n me yez 
'tel 'e mek me h'aa't fuh peaceubble. 


282 


A JUDGMENT OF SOLOMON 

“Yaas, ma’am, you, ’self, hab uh berry stylish 
name; ‘Mannigo’ done fuh stylish! Ef Uh did n 
bin hab Rab’nel, Uh woulduh hab him, but seem 
to me Rab’nel soun’ mo’ richuh, so Uh nebbuh 
fuh t’row’um’way, eeb’n ef Uh haffuh t’row’way 
Hacklus. Ef ’e git too triflin’ en’ Uh haffuh lef’ 
de Nigguh, Uh fuh hoi’ ’e name, en’ Uh yent fuh 
hab no reg’luh husbun’ ’gen, ’tel Uh fin’ anodduh 
Nigguh name’ Rab’nel. Ef Uh cyan’ fin none een 
dishyuh Toogoodoo country, Uh gwine Pon-Pon, 
but Uh yent fuh cross Caw-Caw swamp, ’cause no 
stylish Buckruh dey dey, en’ ef him ent dey dey, 
Uh know suh no Rab’nel Nigguh fuh dey dey! 

“Ef Uh cyan’ fin’ de man’ to Pon-Pon, Uh gwine 
spang to Stono ribbuh fuh s’aa ch fuhr um, but 
da’ Nigguh haffuh git! Soon ez Uh shum, en’ 
yeddy ’e name, Uh fuh t’row me yeye ’puntop- 
’um en’ mek’um ax me. Ef de Nigguh hab wife, 
Uh dunkyuh, ’cause Uh got uh good ecknowledge 
how fuh toll man off frum ’e wife en’ t’ing, en 
tek’um’way. Ef Uh ebbuh see de man, en’ want- 
’um, him duh my’own! En’ ef de man name Rab¬ 
’nel, Uh want’um! Eeb’n ef Uh yent lub de Nig¬ 
guh, Uh fuh lub ’e name, en’ Uh fuh hoi’ da’ name 
long ez Uh lib. Uh nebbuh fuh tu’n’um loose, 
en’ w’en Uh dead Uh fuh wrop’up een’um suk- 
kuh shroud, en’ attuh me sperrit gone to me Jedus, 


283 


LAGUERRE 

Uh fuh leddown een Mis’ Rab’nel grabe, enty? 
Berrywell.” _ 

On a bright Saturday in early December, La- 
guerre drove to his open air court for the last 
session of the season before going into winter 
quarters at home, for, during the colder months, 
“Jedge” heard causes only “in Chambers.” 

Killing frosts had come earlier than usual and, 
save for the tops of the tall long-leaf pines, there 
was little green left in “God's Green Inn.” 

Here and there on oak or hickory, a red or yel¬ 
low leaf, slow to die, held stoutly on, a spot of 
light in the somber forest, where the brown 
leaves clung tremblingly to the half-bare limbs 
from which the winds and rains would presently 
bring them to earth. So brave men—torch- 
bearers—hold their lamps aloft unto the end, 
though shadows fall and winter whelms the 
world! 

Around the court half a dozen little fires blazed, 
and about them clustered half a hundred happy 
Negroes, full of themselves and their own little 
affairs—“the short and simple annals of the poor.” 
As “Jedge” drove up, the talk and laughter sub¬ 
sided, but many a woolly forelock was pulled, 
many a foot scraped, and many a jumpy “cutchy” 
“drapped” in friendly salutation, for, in the fel¬ 
lowship of understanding, these lowly folk be- 


284 



A JUDGMENT OF SOLOMON 


longed to “Jedge,” as “Jedge” belonged to them. 

Laguerre took his seat and thwacked the box. 
In an hour all the minor causes had been disposed 
of and the calendar cleared for the consideration 
of a case whose complexities involved not only- 
two aristocratic patronymics, but the respective 
marital rights of two dark ladies in the same 
husband! Husbands, upon occasion, on Slann’s 
Island, as elsewhere, have been known, in such 
circumstances, to rise to the occasion and accom¬ 
modate themselves to such embarrassment of 
riches as the gods provide; and by such riches 
Rambo Rab'nel found himself presently embar¬ 
rassed, for he had loved not wisely but too well! 

Rambo was a rover. No pent-up Utica con¬ 
tracted his powers. The boundless continent was 
his—at least as far as the boundless continent 
was traversed by the old King's highway between 
the Stono and the Edisto—for he worked inter¬ 
mittently at the Bradley phosphate mines at 
Rantowles, and the Baring mines at Pon-Pon. 
And Rambo, a peripatetic—a sort of traveling 
man—sometimes paused to gather black-eyed 
Susans along the way! 

The gathering offered no embarrassment— 
“findings” were not necessarily “keepings”—for 
“Man ent haffuh hoi' ebb’ryt’ing wuh ’e ketch een 
'e han’, too long. W’en you han’ git full, you fuh 


285 


LAGUERRE 


t’row’way some, enty ?” Sound philosophy for 
traveling men, or those who tread the primrose 
path of dalliance, but Rambo had thoughtlessly 
put two of the wayside flowers in his buttonhole 
—and there they stuck. True, the buttonholes 
belonged to different coats, for one flower had 
been plucked beside the limpid Edisto; the other 
where the salty tides of Stono ebb and flow with 
the throbbing pulses of the sea. And both had 
been gathered by the way, for neither was in¬ 
digenous, the ladies having come to “wisit” from 
Toogoodoo, where, having been born and reared 
to bursting womanhood—they had come at last to 
years of indiscretion, and so it was that Rambo, 
the latest indiscretion of both ladies, was embar¬ 
rassed ! _ 

Whenever a bride falls into the hands of the 
bright young women who “conduct” Society 
columns for newspapers, the bright young women 
forthwith begin to flutter feathers and crow, and 
the types begin to “nee”, and there's no word 
for a wedding announcement like your “nee”! 
“The bride hath paced into the hall, Red as a rose 
is she,” but no sooner hath she paced out again 
with husband “on the side,” that the linotypes an¬ 
nounce Red as a Rose as having been “nee Jones” 
—or Brown or Robinson. So far, so good, but often 
the bright young women, flowering into speech as 


286 



A JUDGMENT OF SOLOMON 


profusely as a dogwood bursting into bloom, pin 
or buckle on as a sort of verbal garter, just be¬ 
hind the nee, a superserviceable “Matilda”, or 
“Mehitabel,” or something. Of course the poor lit¬ 
tle soul was not “nee Matilda Jones” or anything 
of the sort. She just came into the world as Jones 
—plain Jones, or beautiful Jones—and was 
doubtless glad enough to get in, at that, and no 
questions asked! 

But, despite its frequent misuse, nee is a very 
good word—the better, because not one man in a 
thousand can pronounce it—and, as there could 
hardly be a marriage in fashionable circles with¬ 
out it, the moral standing of the word is unim¬ 
peachable, and could no more be challenged than 
could the nuptial music of Wagner or of Mendels¬ 
sohn ! So the bright young women responsible for 
its inclusion in newspaper English, are quite as 
bright as they are painted! 

Rambo, a rolling stone, rather prided himself 
on gathering no matrimonial moss, as he rolled 
along. Moss was well enough for men who set¬ 
tled down, or stationary stones, but not for him, 
thought Rambo, for moss caused friction, and re¬ 
tarded speed, and cruisers must keep their copper 
free from barnacles. As Jones, or Brown, or 
Robinson, he might have jogged on “the foot-path 


287 



LAGUERRE 


way” smoothly and irresponsibly enough, for, as 
poverty has its compensations for those who would 
keep out of the eye of the world, the names heard 
every day on highway or on bridlepath do not ex¬ 
act attention, but Rambo’s rollicking name rang 
like an alarum along the countryside—a Muezzin’s 
sunset call! 

“The evil that men do lives after them”—some¬ 
times—and when, with the coming of Freedom, 
Rambo’s sire, naked and very much ashamed for 
want of a name, stepped up to the nomenclatural 
clothes line of “de Buckruh” and wrapped him in 
Ravenel, he chose for himself and bequeathed to 
his son a singing patronymic whose music could 
not be stilled. So, as Rambo lingered by the way, 
the lichens grew upon the rolling stone almost 
as he slept. And as they had grown upon both 
sides, rolling stone and lichens were before La- 
guerre for a Judgment of Solomon! 

The younger of the Mesdames Rab’nel was 
Rena, nee Rivers—though perhaps no more than 
a spring-branch when she came bubbling up into 
the dusty world. Rivers was a good enough name 
—an excellent name—as Rena knew, and Rena 
held it above riches; so much above worldly con¬ 
siderations, that she had scorned the advances of 
more than one plantation suitor, whose posses¬ 
sion of mule or ox could not, in her critical mind, 


288 


A JUDGMENT OF SOLOMON 

make up for the possession of a simple uninspir¬ 
ing Brown, or an unsesthetic Limehouse, or Wine¬ 
glass. 

“Uh ready fuh hab man, en’ deseyuh boy wuh 
duh quizzit me, do berry well—all 'cep’ de name 
wuh de Nigguh got, but de name ent wu’t’! Me 
fuh t’row’way de good name wuh Uh got en’ 
swap’um off fuh dem Brown, en’ Limehouse en’ 
t’ing? No, suh! Ef dem t’odduh ’ooman call me 
name lukkuh dat w’en dem duh peruse ’long wid 
all dem stylish name lukkuh Middletun en’ Man- 
nigo, en’ Rab’nel, ’e fuh mek me shame, same ez 
ef Uh bin gone chu’ch een homespun frock, ’mong 
all dem t’odduh ’ooman dress’up een calicro. Befo’ 
Uh do dat, Uh redduh do bedout de man, en’ keep 
de name wuh Uh got ’tel Uh kin ketch uh Nigguh 
wuh got name stylish mo’nuh my’own. ’Cause 
Ribbers stan’ too good fuh t’row’way!” 

The slim black girl curtsied to the Court and 
told a straightforward story. Going to Pon-Pon 
to “wisit,” she had encountered Rambo and, fall¬ 
ing under the spell of the two R’s, she forthwith 
made such ocular demonstration of the receptivity 
of her mind in respect to Rambo, that her quarry 
was moved to propose to her what she had already 
determined to do. She graciously consented, 
“and so they were married,” in the “hop-skip- 


289 


LAGUERRE 


and-a-jump” fashion of the community—a long 
jump from either the Law or the Gospel! 

“Jedge, suh,” she said ingenuously, “soon ez 
Uh look ’puntop da’ Rambo, en’ yeddy de Rab- 
’nel, Uh know Uh haffuh hab alltwo, ’cause Uh lub 
de Nigguh, en’ Uh lub ’e name. So Uh t’row me 
yeye ’puntop’um, en’, Jedge, Uh look at Rambo 
berry keen.” 

“Yes,” said Laguerre. “I know, I know!” 

“En’ den de Nigguh quizzit me.” 

“And you, though taken entirely by surprise, 
graciously consented.” 

“No, suh, Uh tell de Nigguh yaas.” 

“What then?” 

“Den, suh, me hab him, en’ him hab me, en’ 
w’en dem Pon-Pon Nigguh say ‘Ebenin’ Mis’ 
Rab’nel,’ de t’ing roll so rich, ’e mek me h’aa’t 
fuh swell. We bin git ’long berry well, ’tel, at- 
tuh two-t’ree week done pass, Rambo gone Ran- 
towle fuh wu’k, en’ ’e tell me fuh gone back Too- 
goodoo ’tel him come, so Uh do lukkuh him tell 
me, but Rambo nebbuh come; en’ attuh two munt’ 
done gone, Uh yeddy suh Rambo bin git ketch en’ 
tanglety’up wid ’ooman down to Bradley, dat 
w’ymekso ’e nebbuh come Toogoodoo, en’ jis’ t’od- 
duh day, come fuh fin’out, de ’ooman wuh bin 
tanglety’up wid’um, iz dishyuh same Daisy Man- 
nigo wuh lib to W’aley place; en’, Jedge, please, 


290 


A JUDGMENT OF SOLOMON 


suh, mek de 'ooman ontangle 'eself frum Rambo 
en' tu’n’um loose, 'cause Daisy got stylish name 
fuh 'eself, en’ him bin hab heap’uh husbun' en' 
t'ing, en' him gone en' tek my Rambo, en' my 
Rab'nel, alltwo, en' dem blonx to me, Jedge, 
'cause duh me shum fus\ Uh nebbuh bin hab 
no husbun' befo', en' Rambo duh all wuh Uh got," 
and she whimpered pathetically as she withdrew. 

Then the crowd opened and Daisy Mannigo 
“busted" through, and Daisy boasted “a perfect 
forty-six!" 

Daisy was built like the continent of South 
America. Above and about the equator, 
in a manner of speaking, nature had en¬ 
dowed Daisy exceedingly, but, like the esteemed 
southern continent, she tapered to tenuousness 
toward the southern extremity, until, below the 
Tropic of Capricorn, she became what the planta¬ 
tion Negroes call “dry-bone"—a form of physical 
construction not infrequently met with—Nature 
sometimes distributing her favors unequally! 

And Daisy wore a corset! Corsets were corsets 
in those days! None of your long, “straight- 
front," slab-sided affairs, fitted with straps and 
buckles and breeching, like a trotting harness! 
Spineless things, with no more backbone than a 
politician! Nothing of the sort; for in Laguerre’s 
day the corset was at once “the glass of fashion 


291 


LAGUERRE 


and the mould of form!” The glass of fashion 
was the hour-glass, and the mould—rigid and 
uncompromising—was one into which all fashion¬ 
able feminine forms—by expansion or contrac¬ 
tion—were forced to fit themselves as best they 
could, for there was little variation in the models 
—at least those that came to the plantations—and 
the manufacturers thought that if a 22-inch 
waist called for a 36-inch bust, why, mathemat¬ 
ically speaking, a 54-inch bust should go with 
a 33-inch waist, and this, by sine and cosine, they 
were ready to demonstrate, though the Lord, 
working in His mysterious way, His wonders to 
perform, doesn’t always form them after this 
fashion. But fashions are imperative, and will 
not be denied, so the women—the work of His 
hands—were poured into the moulds that man 
had made! Some were poured hot, for contrac¬ 
tion here or there, is sometimes cruel and trying 
to the temper; and some were poured cold, for 
expansion—the simple stuffing in of corn-shucks, 
moss or cotton, could be done dispassionately! 

But whether squeezed or stuffed, the -women 
had to fit the cuirass, whose steels and whale¬ 
bones clasped them as closely as the armor-of- 
proof enclosing the burly form of old Henry the 
Eighth, astride his equine effigy in the Tower of 
London! 


292 


A JUDGMENT OF SOLOMON 


And these armored corsets—like the hour-glass 
—looked reversible—perhaps they were, for the 
fullness of the front, at the top, seemed to the 
unenlightened masculine eye, to match the fullness 
of the back, at the bottom, so they might just as 
well have been worn upside down! 

As a further concession to fashion—perhaps 
farther would be the better word—Daisy had 
built herself a bustle—tall, and long, and wide, 
for Daisy, resting upon the Scriptural assurance 
that “to him that hath shall be given,” had rested 
upon the liberal endowment of her own proper 
person, a comic supplement, a vast territorial 
hinterland, that brought laughing comments 
from the Negroes, and a contemptuous damn or 
two from “Jedge,” who held shams of all sorts 
in utter contempt! 

Daisy, sometime Mannigo, recently Rab’nel, 
had been born Brown, nee Brown in Society. “She 
knew it for her mother told her so,” but, as 
Brown, mere, prominent in the Smart Set of the 
Whaley plantation, had not been chromatically 
circumspect, Daisy might just as well have been 
nee Gray or Green or Black; but her mother said 
she wasn't, so that's that! 

“Well,” demanded Laguerre, as he glared at 
Daisy's far-flung hinterland and longed for the 
paddle of a “trus'-me-gawd,” “What the devil do 


293 


LAGUERRE 


you mean by coming to my court dressed up like 
an organ-grinder's monkey? Tell your story!" 

“Jedge, suh,” the witness simpered, “Uh berry 
lub dress, fuh true. En' me story stan' berry 
straight. Uh lib to W'aley place. Uh bin hab 
husbun' las’ yeah, name' Mannigo, but 'e yent 
wu’t', en' befo' de yeah done out, de Nigguh run- 
'way. Him say me run’um off. Uh dunno 'bout 
dat. Uh only know 'e gone, en' Uh dunno weh 
'e yiz, en' Uh dunkyuh weh 'e yiz, 'cause dishyuh 
Nigguh, Rambo Rab’nel, wuh Uh got now, mo' 
nyuseful fuh wu'k, en' 'e name stan' mo' stylish, 
so Uh dunkyuh ef Uh nebbuh look 'puntop Man¬ 
nigo no mo'!" 

“ ‘Off with the old love, on with the new,' eh?" 

“Yaas, suh, Jedge. 'Ooman ent fuh keep on de 
same frock, en' de same shimmy all de time. Him 
haffuh tek'um off now en' den. En’ man stan' 
sukkuh dem sku't. Him haffuh shif' sometime , 
enty, suh? 

“So, attuh de summuh mos' gone, Uh bin wisit 
me cousin wuh lib to Rantowle, en' Uh gone one 
day to de Bradley rock mine, en' heap'uh Nigguh 
dey dey duh wu’k, en’ de Nigguh ax me fuh stay 
to de rock, fuh cook fuhr'um, so Uh mek baa’gin 
wid de Nigguh, en' Uh stay to de rock, en’ dish¬ 
yuh same Rambo bin one de gang, en’ soon ez 
Uh shum, Uh mek’up me min’ fuh hab'um, 'cause 


294 


A JUDGMENT OF SOLOMON 


da’ Rab’nel name roll rich mo’nuh my’own. W’en 
Uh fus’ yeddy’um, ’e roll sukkuh dem railroad 
strain duh roll obuh Rantowle trussle duh night¬ 
time. Da’ Rab’nel done fuh full’up me yez! 

So, den, ebb’ry day Uh cut me yeye attuh Ram- 
bo, en’ ebb’ry ebenin’ ’e come to me fiah fuh talk, 
en’ w’enebbuh ’e come Uh feed’um high. En’, 
bumbye, Rambo ax me.” 

“Did he ‘ax' you, or you ‘ax’ him?” 

“Well, suh, Jedge, Uh yent puhzac’ly ax de Nig- 
guh, ’cause Uh yeddy suh ’ooman ent fuh ax man. 
Uh jis’ tell’um man haffuh hab ’ooman, en’ ’ooman 
haffuh hab man, en’ Uh tell’um ’e seem lukkuh 
man wid shishuh stylish name lukkuh him hab 
oughtuh hab wife fuh tote ’e name to chu’ch, en’ 
show’um off, en’ w’en Rambo tell me him yiz bin 
hab uh gal fuh wife, but ’e lef’ de gal Pon-Pon, 
Uh tell’um me, ’self, bin hab husbun’, but him dey 
off some place een de bush, so Uh nebbuh count- 
’um, en’ Uh tell’um no use fuh bodduh ’bout de 
gal to Pon-Pon, en’ de run’way Nigguh een de 
bush, ’cause dem stan’ fudduh, en’ me en’ him 
stan’ close, so me en’ him jis’ ez well fuh hab 
one’nurruh, ’cause we alltwo dey right yuh. 

“Dat de way de Nigguh ax me, Jedge, en’ den 
me hab him, en’ him hab me. En’ t’odduh day 
da’ po’buckruh Trial Jestuss to Rantowle yeddy 
’bout’um, en’ ’e say him fuh swayre out warrant 


295 


LAGUERRE 


fuh Rambo, en’ t'row’um een Walterburruh jail, 
eeduhso een Town, 'cause 'e hab two wife, but, 
Jedge, him only hab one, 'cause Uh yent fuh 'low 
da' t’odduh 'ooman fuh come close’um none’tall." 

“Rambo Rab’nel", called Cudjo, and the rolling- 
stone—presently apple of discord—stepped up 
and pulled his wool. A pleasant faced young 
Negro, his simple story revealed a nature too 
guileless to protect him from the nomenclatural 
fortune-hunters of the gentler sex. 

“Rambo,” said Laguerre, “How do you happen 
to be such a devil among the women?” 

“Jedge, suh, de debble ent dey een me, 'e dey 
een me name, en' 'e yent dey een me fus’ name, 'e 
yent dey een Rambo none’tall, 'e dey een da’ deb- 
ble'ub’uh Rab’nel! Soon ez de 'ooman yeddy'um, 
dem tu'n fool, en’ dem hankuh attuhr’um 'cause 
dem t'ink 'e stan’ so stylish. De Rambo nebbuh 
bodduhr’um. Ef one de 'ooman look 'puntop me 
fuh de fus' time, 'e ax de t’odduh 'ooman ‘Who dat 
new Nigguh? Uh nebbuh shum befo’. Wuh 'e 
name?' Ef de t’odduh 'ooman tell’um uh name 
Rambo, de 'ooman nebbuh bodduh 'bout me no 
mo’, but ef 'e tie de Rab’nel 'puntop de Rambo! 
Ki! ‘Oh, me Jedus,' de 'ooman say. ‘Uh haffuh 
look 'pun da’ Nigguh close! Da' name soun' too 
rich. Lemme shum.' ” 


296 


A JUDGMENT OF SOLOMON 

“Well, then, knowing the danger you were in, 
how did you get caught in this double trap?” 

“Uh dunno, Jedge. Uh jis' bin fool, lukkuh man 
haffuh yiz w'en 'e tanglety'up wid 'ooman. Da' 
fus' gal, Rena, him nebbuh bodduh me none. 'E 
jis' t'row 'e yeye 'puntop me, en’ de yeye talk so 
straight, en’ tell me so 'sponsubble, ‘ax me, ax 
me!' 'tel Uh haffuh ax’um, enty, suh? 

“En' me en' Rena git’long berry well, 'tel Uh 
gone Rantowle fuh wu’k, en' den dishy uh hebby 
Mannigo 'ooman t’row 'e yeye 'puntop me, en' him 
ax me 'long 'e yeye en' 'e mout', alltwo, 'cause 
him ent fuh tek no chance! 

“En' now, suh, alltwo de 'ooman got me, en' 
likewise, also, dem got me name, en' Uh yeddy 
suh ef man hab two wife—'cep' him iz preachuh 
—him haffuh sen' Walterburruh jail, en' eeb’n 
de preachuh haffuh hide de t'odduh 'ooman een 
de bush! En', Jedge, suh, Uh dunno wuffuh do!” 
he ended plaintively. 

“Daisy,” said Laguerre, to the bustled one, 
“Rena had this man first, you know. Would you 
rather give him up, or let him go to jail for 
bigamy?” 

“Jedge, him hab de Nigguh fus', but me hab- 
'um las', enty, suh? De Nigguh blonx to me, 
en' 'e name, alltwo, en' befo' Uh 'low da' t'odduh 


297 


LAGUERRE 


'ooman fuh hab’um, Rambo en' 'e Rab’nel alltwo 
kin leddown een Walterburruh jail.” 

“Jedge,’' said Rena, tearfully, ‘‘please, suh, 
don’ sen’ Rambo Walterburruh! Him duh my- 
’own, en' de hawk ketch me chicken out me han', 
but him kin hab'um, Jedge, 'cause Uh lub’um, en' 
Uh yent wan’ Rambo fuh gone to no jail!” 

“Rambo,” demanded Laguerre. “How were 
you married to these women? Were you chained, 
or only roped?” 

Rambo chuckled. 

“Jedge, suh, needuh one de 'ooman nebbuh look 
'puntop no preachuh, needuhso no Trial Jestuss,” 
he said, “en’ 'e yent bin tie wid rope, needuh wid 
chain—nutt’n’ but grapewine!” he added, with a 
laugh. 

“Well,” said the Court, “one of your women is 
going to ‘look 'puntop a Trial Jestuss' this minute. 
Step here, Rena,” he commanded. “Catch hold of 
this philanderer's hand. Now, Rena ‘Ribbers', 
do you take Rambo ‘Rab'nel' for your lawful 
husband together with the euphonious and aris¬ 
tocratic patronymic thereunto appertaining to 
have and to hold talk fast damn it talk fast or 
forever after hold your peace?” 

“Yaas, suh! Yaas, suh, t'engk-gawd!” she cried, 
excitedly. 


298 


A JUDGMENT OF SOLOMON 


“Now both of you say ‘me hab him, en’ him hab 
me/ three times.” 

They repeated the formula in unison, and 
“Jedge” thwacked his hatchet thrice, and pro¬ 
nounced them man and wife, by authority of the 
State of South Carolina and the local usage of 
Slann’s Island, and the beaming couple slunk 
away. 

“Oh, Jedus!” cried Daisy, passionately. “Jedge 
tek’way me Rab’nel frum me en’ t’row’um ’pun- 
top da’ blacksnake gal! Now, Uh haffuh fall 
back ’pun me Mannigo, en’ do de bes’ Uh kin. 
W’en Uh binnuh trabble ’pun da’ Brown name Uh 
bin hab at de fus’, Uh binnuh walk ’pun me foot 
een de du’t; w’en Uh trabble ’pun de Mannigo, Uh 
binnuh dribe oxin cyaa’t; but w’en Uh binnuh 
trabble ’pun da’ Rab’nel, me Jedus, Uh binnuh 
dribe hawss een stylish buggy! Now, attuh Jedge 
tek’way me Rab’nel buggy, Uh haffuh gone home 
een me Mannigo oxin cyaa’t, en’ Uh ’speck’ Uh 
haffuh greese de w’eel, ’cause Uh yeddy me sper- 
rit duh groan!” 

Laguerre turned upon her savagely: “How dare 
you hold Manigault so cheaply?” he demanded. 
“You dusky Darwinians toss about Huguenot 
names as lightly as your anthropoidal ancestors 
played with coconuts in Africa! It’s got to stop! 
Those of you who got names from your daddies, 


299 


LAGUERRE 


may keep them, but if I ever hear of a new Nig¬ 
ger on Toogoodoo helping himself to a Huguenot 
name again, Fll fine him for contempt! And, 
damn it, if any one of you ever dares to call him¬ 
self ‘Laguerre’, I'll send him to Walterboro jail 
for thirty days! Now, go! ‘Man-ni-go!’ ‘Rab’- 
nel !’ Damn!” 


300 


THE TRAGEDY OF THE MARSH 

A bitter day in mid-December. Winter had 
come in earnest, and the ground was iron hard. 
A north wind on the night before had brought a 
heavy sleet, changing toward morning to a fine 
sleety snow that frosted each ice-sheathed trunk 
and bough and turned the forest into a wintry 
fairyland. Loveliest of all were the great pines, 
their tall purple boles in shining armor, each em¬ 
erald needle of their lofty crowns glistening in 
its icy covering, while to windward, whence the 
boreal blasts had blown, the driven snow had 
powdered trunk and top with feathery crystals. 

The myrtle thickets, at the forest’s rim, shone 
like polished jade, and in the open fields that lay 
beyond, the tall broom-sedge and all the lesser 
grasses bent low, or stood erect, as is the way 
with grass and men—“if winter comes!” 

And the wide marshes, sown with the dragon’s 
teeth of the frost, upreared a million spears, 
sharper and more brilliant than ever Cadmus saw! 

Now, although the snow had ceased, a keen 
wind blew steadily out of the north, swept 
through the woods and set the sleeted boughs 
a-tinkling with the music of far-off sleighbells. 
Then, stooping to the open spaces it touched more 
tenderly the strings of frozen marsh and grass 
until they sang in muted whisperings. 


301 


LAGUERRE 


Far aloft the ducks came down the wind— 
long lines of mallard and of widgeon—strung like 
beads, or looped in necklaces against the leaden 
sky, while hurtling flocks of green-wing teal swept 
by their slower congeners like charging cavalry, 
and rushed far in the van. Now and then a 
wearied flock swung over the marshes to find 
shelter in the little creeks that wound among 
them, another stooped to the broad bosom of the 
Dawhoo, while others—far-flung adventurers— 
passed on unwearied wing toward the far horizon. 

The little runs and branches, frozen hard, shone 
along the roads like mirrors of dark steel, for the 
fallen leaves that clogged their shallow channels 
had stained their waters and tinted them like 
wine. 

No voice of any furred or feathered thing broke 
the silence of the lonely forest, now wrapped in 
its icy mantle; only the tinkle of the distant sleigh- 
bells as the branches swayed in the wind, and now 
and then a crash, as a harder gust shattered their 
crystal coverings and sent the broken fragments 
shivering to earth. Nothing more, for squirrels 
curled deep in their nests, rabbits snuggled down 
in their sheltered forms in the briar-thickets, and 
in the thick broom-sedges at the edge of the myr¬ 
tles the partridges huddled closer together and 
told their troubles in low and plaintive notes. 

Such wintry storms rarely reach the coast 


302 


THE TRAGEDY OF THE MARSH 


country, but when they do, the added rawness of 
the sea, makes their sting more poignant than in 
higher, drier, regions. 

The sting of the penetrating cold bore heavily 
upon the scattered whites of the plantations, un¬ 
prepared as they were to withstand its severity, 
but heavier still upon the poor black folk, poorly 
housed and poorly clad; for many an “Imperious 
Caesar, dead and turned to clay,” would have been 
required to chink the log walls of their lowly hab¬ 
itations tightly enough “to keep the wind away” 
that now blew so fiercely from Hudson's Bay at 
the rim of the Arctic ocean! 

And their clothing, particularly that of the 
older Negroes, was pathetically inadequate; the 
flimsy cotton fabrics and the gaping “Yankee 
shoes” of Freedom were a far cry from the stout 
plantation brogans, the knitted woolen caps and 
the warm “blanket” great-coats of slavery, when, 
as chattels—property—they had to be taken care 
of! And the poor old women—how they shivered! 
Happy the old Mauma who could boast a red 
flannel petticoat or a worsted scarf, as a gift 
from the “Big-house”—now, often small enough! 
The scarf she would wind around neck and face 
until only her eyes were uncovered, and whenever 
she walked abroad, however cold the weather, the 
overhanging skirt would be proudly “hiced” and 
reveal the ruddy petticoat in all its glory! 


303 


LAGUERRE 


So, to the old black folk, men and women, Free¬ 
dom meant very little, for, in their days of waning 
usefulness, under slavery, their tasks, if any there 
were, were light, and their old masters kept them 
warm. Now, God was their only Master, and God 
did not always keep them warm, save in summer, 
when they were warm enough! But whenever 
they were tempted to question His decrees and the 
weight of the hand He had laid upon them, if 
they but thought of fire, their hearts were stilled, 
for fire—God’s greatest gift to the Negro—they 
had always, and He had taught them how to make 
it, while “de Buckruh” had made them free of 
their pinelands and hardwood forests. Woodpiles 
in the front yard of every humble cabin showed 
logs of oak or ash or hickory, and piles of light- 
wood knots, or “junks,” and from the first streak 
of dawn, those who passed plantation quarters 
or isolated cabin, seeing a wisp of blue smoke 
rising from short clay chimneys, would know 
that the home fires had been lighted at the rising 
of the morning star, to be kept burning through¬ 
out the day until raked out at bedtime in the early 
hours of the night. And whenever black folk 
gathered out of doors in cold weather, whether 
clustered, palms outspread, around a roaring bon¬ 
fire, or crouched over a pitiful pile of embers 
which they were feeding with fagots of green 
wood and trying to fan into flame, their hearts 


304 


THE TRAGEDY OF THE MARSH 


burned incense as the smoke floated away and 
the sparks flew upward! 

During such storms in the Low-country few 
Negroes are abroad. Those whose lawful occa¬ 
sions impel them to leave the family hearthstone 
and brave the weather, swathe their throats up 
to the jaws with whatever wrappings they can 
command, leaving only their ashen cheeks ex¬ 
posed. Novelists often turn the cheeks of their 
villains or their heroes—never their heroines, 
however fearful, in these synthetic days—“ashen 
with fear,” but if the novelist could “hold the 
mirror up to Nature” at Slann’s Island on a 
winter’s day he would see more ashes on a dozen 
black faces than his imagination could sprinkle 
on the cheeks of a thousand affrighted Aryans. 

So on this bitter mid-December morning, white 
folk and black along the Toogoodoo slept late, 
then rose and hugged their hearths, nor dreamed 
of tragedy at hand; yet in the heavy hours of the 
night, in the dog-watch, just before the dawn, 
Death had stalked through the frozen marshes 
and touched and stilled a human heart! 


Mingo Polite belied his name, for he was the 
meanest Negro on Edisto Island, a distinction 
that made him stand out among his fellows, for 
the Island Negro population was unusually well- 
behaved, as is usual in isolated communities re- 


305 



LAGUERRE 


mote from railroads, where the land was still 
held by the old families. Here the Negro was al¬ 
ways happiest and at his best, for, along with his 
freedom, he still had the communal life of the 
big plantations, which he loved, and service un¬ 
der employers who understood him and whom he 
liked and respected. 

Mingo was wily enough to keep straight with 
the whites, but among his own color he was surly 
and domineering. A gambler—both with cards 
and dice—he was so successful at crap-shooting, 
“rolling the bones,” that when the Saturday night 
bouts were over his pockets usually jingled with 
small silver and, sometimes, when fortune’s smile 
was broad and generous, a few greasy green¬ 
backs were added to the coin. 

And Mingo was a menace in marital as well as 
in financial affairs. A bold, if not a gay, Lothario, 
he held the other men so lightly that he seldom 
took the trouble to conceal his exploits, holding the 
heavy revolver he sometimes carried as more than 
a match for the razors and oyster-knives of those 
whose homes he invaded upon occasion. 

But many a head shook knowingly, and many a 
beard wagged wisely, over the fate they knew 
would one day overtake the man who would! 

“Wunnuh boy! ‘Membuh wuh Uh tell you, en’ 
don’ ’low’um fuh leak out you head! Ef da’ 
Mingo Puhlite ebbuh gone off dishyuh Edisto 


306 


THE TRAGEDY OF THE MARSH 

I’lun’ fuh cut ’e ’ranguhtang shine, lukkuh ’e do 
yuh ’mong we ’ooman en’ t’ing, da’ Nigguh gwine 
dead! ’E know suh all you man ’f’aid’um, en' 
da' hebby pistul wuh ’e got’, dat de reaz’n ’e so 
mischeebus, but ef ’e ebbuh gone Pon-Pon, en’ 
mix’up wid dem rockfiel’ Nigguh ’roun’ de Cross¬ 
road, Sattyday night, en’ roll ’e bone crookety, luk¬ 
kuh him roll’um ’pun dis I’lun’, dem he-Nigguh 
gwine roll ball een’um, eeduhso cyaa’be’um up; 
’speshly ef him binnuh ’dultri/?/ ’roun’ ’mong de 
freemale wuh blonx to de Nigguh, ’cause man iz 
uh t’ing, ef you tek’way ’e money en’ ’e ’ooman, 
alltwo, one time, you gwine bex’um, sho’ ez cootuh 
got snout!” 

“You talk trute, budduh, ’cause ’dultri/?/ duh 
da’ Nigguh’ name! Mingo done fuh ’dultri/?// En’ 
’e so wickity!” 

“ ’E wickity, fuh true, en’ ’e keep on wid ’e 
wickity, ’cause nobody obuh yuh nebbuh ’taguh- 
nize’um, en’ da’ jail to Mt. Pleasant stan’ fudduh; 
but ef him ebbuh cross da’ ferry fuh ramify 
’roun’ Slann’ I’lun’, een da’ Toogoodoo nation, 
Jedge gwine ketch’um, sho’ ez Gawd! En’ w’en 
’e yiz ketch’um, Walterburruh jail stan’ berry 
cunweenyunt fuh t’row’um een, ’cause da’ Too¬ 
goodoo nation ent dey een we county, en’ Jedge 
nebbuh haffuh t’row Nigguh een no boat fuh sen- 
’um to him jail, none’tall! So, ’membuh wuh Uh 
tell you. Jedge gwine git da’ Nigguh yit!” 


307 


LAGUERRE 


But Laguerre was a long time getting him, for 
Mingo was circumspect and, watching his step 
wherever he traversed Slann’s Island, he left no 
incriminating tracks behind him. And it was 
well that he did not, for, through his own Ne¬ 
groes, “Jedge” knew Mingo’s bad reputation, and 
was all cocked and primed to give him the limit 
of the law if he ever fell into his hands. 
Edisto, like Wadmalaw, belonged to Berkeley 
County, and whenever visitors from these outly¬ 
ing Island communities violated within his juris¬ 
diction any laws “made and provided” “against 
the peace and dignity of the State,” “Jedge”, for 
the honor and dignity of the State aforesaid, and 
for the exaltation of Colleton county and the en¬ 
largement of its magisterial revenues, always 
fined them heavily to remind them that Toogoo- 
doo did , whatever others didn’t! 

The storm had come suddenly. Two days ear¬ 
lier, on Friday morning, Mingo, having business 
on Pon-Pon, started under bright skies for Par¬ 
ker’s Ferry cross-roads, driving a mule to his 
buggy. By nightfall, his daylight affairs finished, 
he was able to devote the long winter hours of 
darkness to the more profitable business of fleec¬ 
ing the sporting element among the workers of 
the Baring Phosphate mines of the little that 
remained of the last week’s wages. This, Mingo’s 
loaded dice enabled him to do with surprising 


308 


THE TRAGEDY OF THE MARSH 


ease, many Negro sports, perhaps like other gamb¬ 
lers, being strangely willing to “take a chance” 
against odds they knew to be heavily against 
them. 

More than suspicious of Mingo’s “bones,” and 
cognizant of the manual efficiency with which he 
“rolled” them, they watched—with the fascinated 
eyes of a bird under the spell of a snake—the 
deft twist of Mingo’s wrist under which his 
weighted cubes would fall, on rough pine floor 
or smooth, packed earth, to Mingo’s profit! But 
he was seldom challenged, for his truculence and 
his heavy armament—more impressive than any 
lethal tools carried by the Pon-Pon sports—gave 
them pause, though they grumbled exceedingly 
behind his back: 

“Da’ drat Mingo cheat we ebb’ry time him 
come yuh ’pun Pon-Pon fuh roll bone! ’E bone 
crookety, en’ ’e han’ crookety. Ebb’ry time ’e 
twis’ ’e han’ fuh roll’um, dem debble’ub’uh bone 
gwine drap fuh suit’um!” 

“You talk trute, en’ ’e mek me bex fuh hab 
dem oagly, black, pluff-mud Nigguh frum down 
on de salt come yuh ’mong we Pon-Pon man en’ 
cheat we out’uh all we money. En’ alldo’ we 
know him duh cheat we, nobody kin ketch’um, 
’cause ’e too schemy, en’ ef you yiz ketch’um, no¬ 
body nebbuh bodduh fuh ’spute’um, ’cause ’e too 
309 


LAGUERRE 

mean, en' da’ hebby pistul 'e tote stan' too dain- 
jus." 

“Dat so. No use fuh 'taguhnize'um, 'cause 'e 
mean, en' 'e mischeebus, alltwo. Le'm’lone!" 

“AW de same, Mingo lub fuh drink rum, en' 
ef him keep on wid 'e mean, lukkuh him duh 
gwine now, some night een de daa’k uh de moon, 
w’en him duh gwine back to de salt full’up wid 
rum, Mingo gwine hab acksi dent, en', bumbye, 
buzzut fuh fin’um een de bush wid 'e t’roat cut!" 

So, both at home on the Island and on the dis¬ 
tant marches of Pon- Pon, the wise men predicted 
that, because of his sins, Mingo would die with 
his boots on. 

By dawn on Saturday, when Mingo's pockets 
were heavy with silver, he forsook his sportive 
companions of the night, in whom, having taken 
all they had, he had now no further interest, and 
going to a friendly house nearby, he “bedded- 
down” for the day, intending, when the evening 
shadows fell, to make play for the easy and un¬ 
wary money of Saturday—money never able to 
protect itself in the hands of the irresponsible, 
black, or white. But when Mingo rose in the 
late afternoon the sky was overcast, the north 
wind shrieked through the forest, and “it grew 
wondrous cold," so Mingo’s thoughts turned to¬ 
ward the hearthstones of Edisto, where tolerance, 
at least, awaited him. 


310 


LAGUERRE 


He knew he could not reach the ferry before 
night, but, warned by the members of the house¬ 
hold where he had slept through the day that 
it would be unsafe to risk a Saturday night among 
the gamblers of the cross-roads, who, having long 
scores to settle, might knock the winning man 
in the head and rob him at the close of the night’s 
sport, he resolved to start for home while it was 
yet day, hoping to spend the night at some house 
on Toogoodoo, where his bulging pockets would 
make him a welcome guest. So, hitching up his 
mule he drove off, just as the sun must have been 
setting behind the dark clouds. 

Mingo habitually drank, and seldom started on 
a journey without a comforting flask in his pocket, 
and now, if ever, he needed comfort, as the cold 
wind whipped about him. But, afraid to drive 
by the cross-roads, and apprise the Saturday 
evening crowd that he was leaving—for he was 
always apprehensive of being waylaid— he took 
the Landing-road where it crossed the Willtown 
road, drove through the Mitchell settlement, and 
came out into the King’s Highway at the corner 
of the Oak Lawn plantation. Driving east, he 
passed the avenue and made for Jupiter Hill, a 
mile beyond. Here, “at one stride came the dark,” 
and he took the right hand road for Adams Run 
with a lighter heart, for the wind, sweeping out 
of the unknown, mysterious north, beyond Caw- 


311 


THE TRAGEDY OF THE MARSH 


Caw swamp—the border-land of culture and of 
civilization to the darkies of the Sea-coast—was 
now at his back, and the village store, with its 
whisky and its big sheet-iron stove, was only 
two miles away. These were soon covered, for the 
mule, urged by the cold, and headed for home, 
moved briskly. 

As Mingo entered the store and came within 
the radius of the glowing stove, the comforting 
contrast with the cold without was almost in¬ 
toxicating, and the dour Negro began to grin. 
He would have stayed and warmed him through 
and through, but the questioning eyes of the 
Negroes around the stove made him apprehen¬ 
sive, so, buying a quart of whisky, which he was 
careful to pay for without rattling the silver in 
his heavy pockets, he slipped out quietly and drove 
off through the night. 

A mile beyond the village he passed the old 
church and, turning obliquely to the left, dipped, 
at a lower level, into the darkest stretch of the 
Toogoodoo road—dark by day, with its overarch¬ 
ing forest trees—magnolias, beeches, gums and 
maples, and great vines that swung like pythons 
across the way—but of stygian blackness now in 
the starless, lowering night. 

And, just as Mingo dipped into the dark, the 
sleet began to fall. A whisper first, like the faint 
strumming of violin strings or zithers, swept by 


312 



BEYOND TOOGOODOO BRIDGE 























































‘ 

. 









THE TRAGEDY OF THE MARSH 


fairy fingers, far away. Then, louder and nearer, 
the soft pattering of frozen drops on the topmost 
leaves of the great magnolias, and their musical 
tinkle as they slipped and tumbled over all the 
glossy leaves along the way, until they came to 
rest on the silent earth. 

The wind bit more keenly. Mingo tipped his 
flask and drank deep. The whisper of the sleet 
now swelled into a song that blended with and 
softened the harsh drumming of the wind. And 
all around, the dark! 

The mule knew the road as Mingo knew his 
dice, but, troubled by the tumult of the wind 
among the trees, and chilled by the driving sleet, 
he came down to a walk. Mingo drank again. 
The spirits warmed him, but the weird voices of 
the storm seemed mysterious and menacing; a 
thousand tongues were telling of his sins, and 
Mingo's rosary of remembrance told him they 
were many! The mule walked slowly on. Near¬ 
ing Toogoodoo bridge, a great liana hung across 
the road. Swinging in the wind, it almost 
touched the mule’s ears. He gave a frightened 
snort and started suddenly, and Mingo’s spirit 
jumped with him. Just beyond, among some 
live-oak scrub, the road traversed a thicket of 
saw-palmetto, and, as the sleet fell whisperingly 
on a hundred pleated fronds, a strange new note 
of terror came to Mingo’s ears—the distant flap- 


313 


LAGUERRE 


ping, flapping, flapping, as of the storm-torn sails 
of phantom ships, beating the shrouds, as grieving 
women beat their breasts, crying for dead hands 
to furl the restless sails of the spirit and quiet 
them! And Mingo shuddered! Then, from the 
cloistered darkness of the woodland road to the 
outer darkness of a narrow sandy flat, flanked by 
marsh—and Mingo knew the high unlovely bridge, 
spanning Toogoodoo Creek in a rainbow-arch, 
was but two hundred yards away. The mule 
slowly climbed the steep incline and almost slid 
to earth again on the farther side, the planks fast 
taking on a coating of ice. 

Once safely over, Mingo drained his flask, and 
by the time he came to a road crossing a mile be¬ 
yond was too muddled to know where he was 
going. He tried to select a road leading to the 
house of a Negro whom he knew, but the mule 
chose the well-remembered road for home, and 
thither, at a slow walk, the faithful creature held 
his way, and came at last to the Slann’s Island 
causeway, a high road across the marshes. Half 
way over, the mule reached an impasse, for three 
bars forbade the way, and these, the work of 
human hands, only human hands could displace. 
Had Mingo been awake and sober, he could have 
removed the cattle-guard in a moment, and passed 
on, but as he was now slumped down in a drunken 


314 


THE TRAGEDY OF THE MARSH 


stupor, the poor mule could only rest his head 
upon the topmost bar and wait. 

The night wore on. The cold grew more in¬ 
tense. The slanting sleet flew faster. Mingo 
slept heavily. The nepenthe of the village whis¬ 
key had laid all his ghosts and calmed his supersti¬ 
tious fears with the blessed balm of forgetfulness. 
The sleet that now sang over the shivering 
marshes had not slighted Mingo, and his clothes 
were frozen stiff, but while the potent spirits kept 
up his steam he was oblivious to everything. 

The night slipped away. At last, in the heavy 
hours before the dawn, when old men die, and the 
world bears more hardly upon the lonely and the 
heavy-laden, Mingo’s steam ran low. The cold 
bit him to the marrow. He shuddered and awoke. 
And his Negro spirit yearned for fire. He had 
no idea where he was, and he didn’t care. Tumb¬ 
ling out of the buggy, he searched his pockets for 
matches. Finding a box, he struck a light to 
look around for wood, but in the steady wind the 
match but flickered and went out, and not until a 
dozen little fitful beams had feebly shone like 
good deeds “in a naughty world” did Mingo make 
out, at the foot of the embankment, a pile of dry 
brush, thick marshmallows that had been cut 
away in the late summer while clearing the cause¬ 
way. 

Mingo’s heart leaped, for he know there was 


315 


LAGUERRE 


no better fuel for a quick fire. The brush lay 
almost at the water’s edge and the tide was up. 
The bank was steep, and slippery with the sleet, 
but Mingo took no thought for danger, and, 
groggy and uncertain, blundered down the bank 
through the darkness toward the spot where the 
last flash of light had shown him the brush pile. 
He found it, and stooped to lift the precious load, 
but as he tried to rise, his feet slipped from under 
him on the frozen mud, and Mingo, with the 
marshmallows clasped to his breast, slid into 
the tide. The water was shallow, but the mud 
was deep, and poor Mingo was too cold and too 
sodden to help himself, and his feeble struggles 
but sank him deeper in the mud. A choking 
sob, a gasp, a gurgle, and the freezing mule was 
alone! 

Then the sibilant whistling of the sleet was 
stilled, and the pitying snow came sifting down, 
softly, silently, and before it ceased with the com¬ 
ing of the day the glittering spears of the wide 
marshes were sprinkled with silvery dust, and 
over the poor black body in the frozen mud a 
silvery shroud was spread. 


“Oh, Gawd! Dead Nigguh een de maa’sh! Dead 
Nigguh een de maa’sh!” 

The excited cry reached Laguerre just as he 
rose from breakfast. Zouave was quickly hitched 


316 



THE TRAGEDY OF THE MARSH 

up, and, driven by Scipio and followed by half 
the plantation, he was soon at the scene of the 
tragedy. Mingo was quickly identified, and some 
of those who had more than suspected his atten¬ 
tions to their women-folk, now cried out upon 
him gleefully and unfeelingly: 

“Aye, yaye! Dishyuh duh da' ’dultri/?/ man, 
enty? Uh bin tell wunnuh ef da’ Nigguh keep 
on ramify ’roun’ yuh, ’e gwine git ketch. Now, 
de maa’sh ketch’um!” 

“Shut up!” ordered Laguerre. “When the poor 
devil was alive you were all afraid of him, and 
now ‘there’s none so poor to do him reverence!’ 
The way of the world, damn it, the way of the 
world!” 

The inquest didn’t take long. The empty quart 
flask, the matches struck and blown out, half- 
burned, by the cutting wind, the stumbling foot¬ 
prints in the slippery mud of the steep embank¬ 
ment, the marshmallow fagots still clasped in the 
frozen arms—traced the tragic story, step by step. 

The verdict rendered, Laguerre directed that 
Mingo’s body, decently clad, be sent to Edisto in 
a farm wagon. Then the frozen semblance of a 
man was turned over, and “Jedge s eyes flashed, 
for sticking out of an ample hip pocket was the 
handle of a heavy navy revolver! It was old 
and rusted, but it had been a concealed weapon, 


317 


LAGUERRE 


and as concealed weapons were of the sins La- 
guerre had “no mind to,” he exploded. 

“Damn scoundrel! Carrying concealed wea¬ 
pons on Slann’s Island! What have you got to 
say for yourself? Talk fast, talk fast, or forever 
after hold your peace!” 

“Maussuh,” remonstrated old Scipio, “him cyan’ 
talk. No use fuh quizzit’um. Da’ Nigguh dead!” 

“Shut up!” cried Laguerre, “shall I deny the 
accused the right to defend himself, just because 
he's dead? Not on Slann’s Island! Not by a 
damned sight!” 

“Jedge” turned again to the silent Mingo. 

“Damn scoundrel doesn’t answer,” he said. “I 
fine him fifty dollars for carrying concealed wea¬ 
pons, and twenty dollars for contempt of court! 
Sell the mule to pay fine and costs!” 

And it was so ordered. 


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